[scarlet52698]

I often read on other forums horrible stories about bith parents. People get excited about a birth parents rights being terminated like they won the lottery or something. Now I can understand that there are parents out there that abuse their children and should have their rights terminated.

But do people have to totally trash them online? I was a birth parent who placed as a teen. My child was not removed from me by DSS and yet my status as a birth mother is often protrayed as hidious on other forums.

So my question is, are all birth parents created equal? Does anyone else hate being lumped in with birth parents that abused or neglected their children?

This is a vent by the way, speaking from an emotional place not a logical one

[leaabc123]

As a foster parent to children whose parents are in the end stages of TPR, there are two answers here.

First, like no person is the same as any other, birth mothers are not the same. The ones who choose to place are in a different place and category, if that makes sense.

While, foster parents do have reasons to celebrate when a TPR occurs, there is also usually some regret and sadness there as well. We will celebrate when TPR is final because it will mean our kids will have the stability in life that they deserve and it will mean that we will be mostly done with the "system" of foster care.

TPR is usually something that takes years to complete, even with the new laws. There are many loopholes for bio-parents and relatives. In the meantime, kids may languish in several different homes. They may sabatoge adoptive placements and make it even harder to find another one (we have seen our kids' siblings do just this). When it is done, there is a sense of relief for foster parents and for kids, altough there may be grief and sadness as well.

We are sad because it means tremondous loss for our kids in that their first parents could not or would not get it together. As they get older, they will know the reasons for this and it will not be easy.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I don't like being lumped, personally. But I can sympathize with even those who had their children taken away (rightfully or without evidence or cause) because they, too, have experienced a loss. No, maybe they weren't good parents but that doesn't mean that their hearts don't have a child shaped hole for all eternity. I can only imagine that, when and if their life cleans up (or even if it doesn't), the guilt associated with having a child removed AND the loss associated with adoption can be overwhelming.

But yes, I get mad when I am told that I am basically the same as a child abuser/molester, a neglectful parent or an abandoner. None of those even remotely touch who I am as a parent. You either, Heather. I do understand that families involved with such characters do need a safe place to vent. If someone had abused my child, I'd be pretty peeved as well. But, at the same time, people need to realize that lumping solves nothing. My least favorite thing is when what I say is written off simply because I am a firstmother. I mean, I couldn't possibly understand anything being discussed because I'm a sub-par human being, right? With no morals, values or exceptional parenting skill? It hurts.

I can only hope that our presence will continuously remind and show people that firstparents are NOT the vilest forms of matter on the face of the Earth.

[banjo]

Yep, we are heros when we place and then quickly become bad, bad abandoning mothers the next day and of course the child is way better off without us - sigh. I read about some bparents taking their child back after relinquishing and I hear aparents saying that they were the only parents the child knew and they have to hand their children back to a stranger- actually that's incorrect. The child knew her bmother for a good nine months or so first....go figure. I do feel sorry for everyone involved in that sort of situation thou....

[cruiseaholic01]

I can definently understand where you're coming from. Hero's to the adoptive families that are going to have their dreams come true with a baby that they've waited so long for and then all of a sudden, we don't exist anymore. They got what they wanted, we're nothing. That's what I'm experiencing right now with my birthson's adoptive parents. They're statement is, You signed your rights away, go away and leave us alone. I have felt every emotion known to mankind over the last 2-3 weeks. I'm like you, I carried him for 9 months and he knew my voice and now look, I'm the villian...........

[scarlet52698]

I do understand people's need to vent, I suppose because I'm on this board so much it get's to me over time reading threads titled "Birthmom" only to read about a drug/alcohol dependent woman who neglects or abused her kids.

You're right Jenna, it makes me feel sub-par or much less than. I too have noticed that birthmothers are often dismissed in other forums just for the simple fact that we are birthmoms.

It's really frustrating

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by FH-scarlet52698

I too have noticed that birthmothers are often dismissed in other forums just for the simple fact that we are birthmoms.

It's really frustrating

Or if we say something negative or express some negative feelings we are "angry" birthmoms....

[mamabee]

Or needy! We are normal people who share a common bond....we feel.

[scarlet52698]

Or if we say something negative or express some negative feelings we are "angry" birthmoms....

I agree! And I get a double whammy because I'm also an adoptee. So does that make me an angry adoptee/birthmom when I don't agree with someone?

I need to change my signature.........LOL

[Montraviatommyg]

I hate being lumped together with other birthmothers as "bad mothers who deserved to have their children taken away from them". The current trend in the UK seems to believe that children are "taken away" from their mothers due to neglect, abuse, their mothers are prostitutes and or drug addicts. There are children who are adopted for this reason but people in general don't seem to realize that children are relinquished for other reasons.

Pip

[BrandyHagz]

Or if we say something negative or express some negative feelings we are "angry" birthmoms....

Or if we have had a good experience and are overall happy, we’re in denial.

It’s not just adoptive parents who perpetuate birth parent stereotypes – for many birthmother groups out there – you can only have one opinion – any other opinion means you need to be educated or that you’re in denial.

You’d think everyone could be respectful of individual experiences – but that isn’t my experience in the adoption community.

[eastendmommy]

I agree that we are often lumped together as one. The lines are blurry and there's little distinction between removal for abuse and neglect, or removal due to the fact that we weren't married.

One minute, you're the hero for being so unselfish, and the next, you're the one who abandoned your child... It's a no-win situation, folks...

The fact that so many of us right here on this forum had our children taken away from us SIMPLY BECAUSE WE WEREN'T MARRIED is validation that there wasn't anything wrong with US - there was something wrong with society and our parents...

I get tired of being made to feel like we are so needy, like we think we can just pick up where we left off "X" number of years ago and be your mommy again... We just want to reconnect with our firstborn children. Why is that so wrong??????? Tammi

[crick]

I can see that you wouldn't want to be lumped in with parents who had their rights terminated by the state due to abuse/neglect. And any time I see the blanket or generalized statements painting bparents in this way, I point that out.

Same way I point out that not all aparents are out there to "steal" babies, or completely disregard the bparents after the adoption is finalized. Or when an adoptee is painted as people who should be grateful for their lives.

Think it's just really important to remember on here that people are venting and we can't take one's actual personal experience as the experience for all.

When I discuss things about my kids' situation or their bparents, I'm talking about them personally. Not anyone else. Just like when one discusses the pain of having the aparents slam the door in their face, is their experience and I know they are not painting that picture for all people.

I do hate the generalizations though...it is frustrating for all of us involved.

[scarlet52698]

I have no problem with people venting, it's an important part of making it through a difficult situation IMO.

I do hate the generalizations though...it is frustrating for all of us involved.

I completely agree Crick.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Yep. There's a difference between venting by saying: "Man, I am really upset that this woman treated our child like this." And making a hugely generalized statement by saying, "Man, I really hate how birthmothers treat their children."

I've seen that. And it hurts.

And Brandy poses a good point too, that it's not just one generalization. It's almost as if you have to fit a cookie-cutter mold in the adoption world to be accepted by all. It's unfair, really.

Bah!