[crick]

Well, I know one thing I try to do is remember what forum I'm reading the posts in. If I'm reading a post in the foster care to adoption forum and they say, "Man, I hate how these bparents treat their kids", I know they are speaking specifically about those bparents in abuse/neglect system. kwim?

So I know there's a distinction there and I wouldn't put all bparents in that same light.

[boo20030]

I too have lived with the stigma of being a b-mom, many times I have felt that I was a bad person for relinquishing my baby. I got a nasty to the point e-mail from the adoptive mom telling me I had no right to seek out my children (twins, now adults) as I had signed away my rightsIt hurt more than I could imagine. I wonder what she told my daughters about me as niether of them want anything to do with me at all.

[lilifelover]

I've actually done a lot of work in my community (and here on the forums) to help reverse the thinking about birthparents. If it isn't a highly publicized law suit it's a sitcom, lifetime movie or vengeful-sounding adoptive parents that paint negative pictures of birthparents. Granted, some birthparents aren't model citizens, but that doesn't mean that it's okay to paint the whole class as such...just as it's not fair to say something like "Adoptive parents steal babies!" See? Doesn't work!

In fact, I get a little irritated on the boards when I read posts or signatures that give serious glory to the exact date the birthparents rights were terminated. Instead, why don't they praise over the adoption day where the adoption became final (or, if it's the same day, praise the finalization rather than termination of another's rights). I don't, however, attack people who have those signatures...I know they're excited and there's different ways of understanding them and possibly helping them understand us.

Now that I'm all frazzled I think I need to vent too. Here's a quick little story about my daughter's relinquishment and finalization.

I brought my daughter home from the hospital for a few hours before I signed relinquishment paperwork. She was my daughter and I was not going to leave the hospital without her. Besides, I wasn't final on my decision. You can look up my story for how the rest of the evening panned out, but when I went into a back bedroom to sign the paperwork I took my daughter and the adoptive parents to watch. It wasn't a pretty sight. I was holding her in my right hand and a pen in my left....and I was sobbing so hard I couldn't hear the words I was supposed to be saying under oath or even write my name on the 3 copies of the grueling paperwork. My heart was absolutely crushed and it was the worst moment of my life to "sign my rights away" as some say it. I made the APs watch so they would know what kind of sacrifice it took for them to have a child and that they might honor it rather than celebrate the "birthmother's termination!"

We had a custom placement ceremony in my home and visited for a few hours before I finally told her goodbye. Talk about a nightmare, that day was the worst.

Then, about 6 months later, came her finalization. I invited myself...sort of. The adoptive parents left the door open but I was told by the agency that birthparents generally don't go to finalization and that it was "adoptive parent territory." Well, being obstanant as I was, I decided that I MUST be there. I bought a pretty dress and gathered my mom up and we drove to the courthouse to meet the APs there. I wanted to show my daughter that I would be there for her through everything--whether it be thick, like that day, or thin and easy. It's a tradition in their house for the kids to watch their finalization videos every year on their adoption day, and I wanted to show her I'd be there for her!

It was horrible! The judge verbally erased my name from her records and her life in a cold, harsh way (I did not have to participate, my rights were already gone...I was a spectator with the rest of the extended family). He gave them my daughter and officially changed her name to what they had named her. It took all I had inside me to not fall down to the floor in heartbreak. Despite my resolve to remain composed I cried silently in the background as my daughter changed hands forever.

Afterwards a lawyer gave me their "packet" of legal documents (thinking I was AMom's sister) and was all excited about its contents. She showed me the parts that said the APs were the parents in all the birth records and legal records and she made a big deal about how "the birthparents have been permanently erased from all legal records--it's like they don't exist!" At once I asked her why she was doing what she was doing and she realized that I was the birthmother...and slinked away.

The rest of the day was a whirlwind. I snuggled a lot with my daughter's older brother whose birhtmother isn't involved. He had a lot of questions as to why I was there and his birthmother wasn't...and I tried to help him out the best I could by giving him all the attention in the world since my daughter was getting all the attention from her parents and the slew of people that came with them. He was a saving grace that day and let me hold him and talk to him...thank goodness.

Wow, I'm sorry I rambled on and on and on....that's water under the bridge....and the anniversary is coming up so I guess I've been thinking about it more than usual lately.


Long story even longer...I do resent the general "bad birthmother" remarks that some people make (and they don't even have to be APs). I work very very hard to ensure that I'm doing the right thing for my daughter and her entire family. I spend a lot of time and energy validating everything that the APs do...even when I don't agree with it. I've swallowed more pride than chocolate in my life doing this and I know it's the right thing to do for my daughter. We're now a family, we all love each other and this adoption story is proof that APs, birthparents and adoptees can get along, share love, share family and find happiness with one another.

Thanks for letting me get some steam out! Maybe I can go be productive now!