[melissa23melissa]

hello,
I'm pregnant and looking to place the child for adoption.I have found the internet to be a great resource for parent profiles and websites but i am starting to get frustrated. I have sent out emails to three familes that i thought would be a good match and I wanted to get to know them a little better.
I was very upset that that all three familes only responded with their lawyers phone numbers. No questions about me nor did they take the time to answer the questions i asked them.
Am I wrong to find this insulting? adoption is a very personal experience and I don't want the first step to be to talk to some one's lawyer. HAs anyone else had this problem? Am i overreacting? Is this normal? sorry for the rambling but I'm new to this and starting to feel overwhelmed.

[sneezyone]

Melissa - I'm sure that's very frustrating but hard as it may be to believe, there are lots of scammers who contact paparents wanting to place a child for adoption when in reality they are not pregnant, never were, and only want money. Not that you're one of those people, but aparents try to protect themselves by having a third party make sure the person who contacts them is who they say they are. It's not intended to be insulting at all, in fact, it's quite normal. If you want easier access to pre-screened couples, you might consider going through an agency.

In any case, I wish you all the best with your decision-making.

[bromanchik]

Personally I would be insulted too.

Have you thought about going through a reputable agency in your area? That way you can find a family close to you and communication will be a lot easier. Not to mention visits after placement.

If you need some help finding one pm me. I've worked with agencies that do real open adoptions all over the country.

[MrsSmith]

Hello Melissa,

Welcome to the forums! I am one of the Community Moderators here, as well as being an adoptee and an adoptive parent. There are members of all parts of the adoption community on these boards, and many different viewpoints as well.

One thing I wanted to tell you is that it is expressly against the Terms of Service for anyone to "solicit" any expectant mother, whether that be via posting, email or private message (PM). Since PMs are only viewable by the recipient, I'd ask that if anyone ever does solicit you - say "Oh I'm looking to adopt" or "I'd love to talk to you about your baby" or "Please consider us as parents for your baby" - please let myself or one of the other Community Moderators (crick, echaos, leaabc123, tigger27) know ASAP so that we may deal with it. We try very hard to keep these forums a safe place where everyone is welcomed and respected.

That being said, I'll remove my "moderator hat" and respond just as a plain ole person. While I haven't been in your shoes - though I've been on the other side of the email/phone line - I can totally understand how that would be insulting, especially when it is so scary to make that first contact to begin with. Personally, when my DH and I were seeking to adopt, we would speak with/write back to any expectant parent who had contacted us, and only if things seemed to be progressing to a more "serious" state did we refer them to our attorney. This is what our attorney had advised us to do, by the way - to focus on getting to know the person and letting them get to know us before jumping to the "Oh you must go through my lawyer" point. We were advised to refer any legal question, such as financial issues (medical/living expenses etc) directly to our lawyer, but that never came up in a first, second or even third contact....

I also, like sneezy said above, can see where the potential aparents are coming from - there are unscrupulous people out there who prey on the hopes and desperation of folks who are looking to adoption to create a family. My DH and I were victims of a scam artist, as many other paparents/aparents have been, especially since the advent of internet profiles used for adoption matching. So, perhaps if you respond to those paparents by saying "I understand you want to be sure that I am legitamate, and I have no problem with speaking with your attorney when the time is right, but for now I'd prefer to get to know you and for you to get to know me a little bit so we can see if this is a situation we'd even like to continue with....." and see what they say to that.

Otherwise, I agree with Brenda and the other posters that perhaps going through an agency is the best bet for you, in terms of prescreening and getting that "OH NO, you MUST talk ONLY to our lawyer FIRST" thing out of the way.

I wish you strength, peace and the best of luck on this journey, and I hope that you will find the support and information you are looking for here on the forums.

Sincerely,
Heather

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Melissa,
No, I don't think you're overreacting.

I would probably be pretty insulted, too. I can understand these couples giving you their attorney's information, but it's hard to imagine what must have happened to these people to not even want to talk to you, even a little bit.

It's possible they happened to have been scammed... I wonder if they all worked with the same atty? (I have no idea how this works at all, so forgive me if my question is ignorant.)

The only reason I ask this question, is because if they all work with the same atty, and that atty has drilled into their heads not to speak with the pbparents before they do, that might be why you've had this response. But again, I'm not sure. I'm working with an agency. Even they have urged us to limit our relationship with the pbparents we're currently matched with. That didn't sit well with me at all. Left me feeling very conflicted. That's a different issue though. The ironic thing is, they support open adoption.

I hope your luck gets better in contacting people. I do not blame you one bit for feeling hurt or insulted.

My very best to you. I'm sorry that things are difficult for you right now. Come here and vent, any time you need to.

Take care.

[BoxerLady6]

If you dont want to go through an agency (like I did not) have you thought about either contacting an adoption lawyer first and explaining what you want or looking at ads in the paper or elsewhere with 1-800 numbers. Thats what I did. I talked to the adad for about 1/2 an hour on the phone the first day and he had me contact the lawyer at that point and then we set up a time for me to call back and talk to him and amom later. I had TONS of questions which the lawyer could answer for me and he could not.

[melissa23melissa]

thanks everyone for your reponses, the more i "talk" to people the more normal i feel. my biggest concern is that talking to the lawyer seems like a big formal step, and that's a big deal when you feel like you hardly know the coulple, but maybe that's just me. also if there are any birthmothers out there who have been through this process and have any suggestions on how to place a baby with out going through an agency please PM me, i would appreciate the help

melissa

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Melissa,
Actually, I think the feelings you are having are pretty common, and normal, for what you're going through. It definitely is a big formal step, but it's not anything binding. It's really so the atty can do the formal work, requesting family health history, contacting the birthfather (if you're not in a relationship with him), acquiring your prenatal records, setting you up with any help you need, etc. Then, when you do communicate with couples who you are considering, the atty is doing all the paperchasing, you and this couple can just work on your relationship. I know it's an intimidating step, rest assured that contacting an atty does not mean you have to commit to anything more than providing them with information.

Hope this helps.

[sneezyone]

I would just add that you don't have to even give an attorney that much info if you're not comfortable doing that. Many scammers are put off by the involvement of an attorney at all so even contacting one to verify your identity shows your seriousness. An atty who wants to push for your complete medical records and personal history etc. before you've even spoken to the paparents would seem a little forward to me. Although, I have heard that asking for proof of pregnancy is pretty common. Just my 2 cents.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Great point, Sneezyone!

[happygmom]

I'm sorry that you are feeling frustrated. And you are not wrong to feel insulted. Take a deep breath and start again. I helped my daughter explore the possibility of adoption last year. We were advised by our lawyer not to use the internet to look for potential families. Scams go both ways in adoption, and you could well get yourself in a situation where you will lose contact with the family and your child (assuming that you want an open adoption).

Absolutely nothing is binding until you sign relinquishment papers after the birth of your child. So, take your time, ask questions, and get some good counseling from your own lawyer or an agency that will advise you of your rights and protect your interests.

Good luck and stay in touch for help so we know that you are well.

Happy G'Ma

[Big Dreamer]

Just checking in to see how you are doing today.

Hope that you are having a wonderful day...

I sent you an e-mail

Hugs, hugs and more hugs,

Maria

[Gadoptmom]

I usually won't post in this section. I always feel like this is somewhere that adopting parents should stay out of posting.

But I don't think you are wrong to feel insulted at all! I just heard this same thing from someone who contacted us. She said that the other woman she contacted was not friendly at all and just wanted her to contact her attny right off. I was really surprised. I mean I'm on the other adopting parent support lists and I know all the things everyone recommends to do. But my goodness...having a conversation with someone who is interested in your profile - what's wrong with that?! I can understand if there have been several calls to their toll free numbers and many emails and chats online that they would get concerned if the potential birth mom is not willing to contact any of the adoption professionals. But to right off not ask anything about you, talk with you at all, just here call the attny....I don't know - I think that is just rude!

Unfortunately there are those adopting parents that have become very jaded in the process....and yes I understand why and we've dealt with our share of scammers approaching us. And I could definitely see where women considering adoption would be very frustrated by talking with them! Because I become frustrated talking with them as another adopting parent myself! But to me if they are that jaded then maybe they need to go a different route and not put themselves out there for direct contact from potential birth parents.

You have lots of options and choices. And there are lots of families out there that will not treat you that way. And what has been said here is true...in contacting an attorney you are not obligated in any way. But I would think that anyone would want to get some sort of feel for one another before going right into talking with an attorney.

I would not agree that the internet is not a place to look. It can be a great way to connect and I think there are some very good websites out there for this. Parent Profiles is one of them. I know of quite a few people that have had very good situations meeting through parent profiles. Going through an attny or agency doesn't guarantee anyone of anything. Just because someone chooses someone through parent profiles doesn't mean anything. They still have to get legal professionals involved and do all of that.

You have to do what is right for YOU. And if you choose to do an adoption plan...you will find the right family.

[Big Dreamer]

As an Adoptive Parent I too am beside myself at the thought that a couple who wants to adopt would refer a potential Birth Family to an attorney rather than take the time to get to know the potential Birth Family.

Right now my heart is aching and breaking for all the women who may be searching for the right family for their child and are running into these types of walls. It just blows my mind!

As a person who has adopted and as a mother I have to say that NOT all adoptive families refer Birth Families to attorneys or agencies.

Like many my journey was long and hard, I had my share of scammers, been burned by a facilitator, after 18 months walked away empty handed from an adoption agency after pouring our life savings into them and experienced a reclaim after having a baby living in my home. Through it all I held out hope that the right situation would come along therefore I gave 100% to every phone call and every potential relationship.

Yes my heart ached and yes my heart was broken but that did not compare to the pain that I had day after day knowing that I did not have a child to love and honor and call me mom at the end of the day.

“Unfortunately there are those adopting parents that have become very jaded in the process....and yes I understand why and we've dealt with our share of scammers approaching us. To me if they are that jaded then maybe they need to go a different route and not put themselves out there for direct contact from potential birth parents.”

Kim, I really do agree with your above quote. I think that if I had let the process “jade me” I would have never had the Birth Family of my dreams come into my life.

H found us on Parent Profiles it is a match made from Heaven~8 months later our daughter Star was born. 3 years later we still have a great realtionship with phone calls, e-mail and visitations. Last year H and her mom threw Star a Birthday party.

Someone said that the “Internet was NOT a good place to find a family” speaking from personal experience I believe that this is an untrue statement.

I have two other friends who were also found on Parent Profiles and as a result they are now happy parents. In all three of our situations our matches went well. Yes we had some scammers but like everything you must take the time to educate yourself and learn to watch for the signs. There is NO perfect way to find a scammer just as there is NO perfect way to predicate the weather.

Melissa you have every right to feel angry and insulted but please don’t let the actions of a few people derail your goal of placing your baby in a loving home if you really feel that is in your babies best interest.

“Going through an attny or agency doesn't guarantee anyone of anything.”

Kim once again you brought up another great point. At some point the potential Birth Family and the Potential Adoptive Family will have to develop a sense of trust. Once that happens then maybe then they can add an attorney or an agency to the equation. In order for an adoption to be legal both parties will have to go through the legal process.

Both parties must feel comfortable with the situation and both parties really need to understand what the other party needs. Some people are great at expressing their needs and wants and others need mediators like attorney, agencies or facilitators to speak on their behalf. The bottom line is that if you don’t feel comfortable with the situation then walk away that should hold true for the Potential Birth Family and Potential Adoptive Family.

Trust is a two way street, in order to achieve your goal you have to be willing to take a chance on the road of life.

Melissa I commend you for hanging in there, please know that you are NOT alone.

To you and any other Potential Birth Families who are going through this I want to say that I am so sorry.

Don't give up...if you really believe that Adoption is in the best choice for you keep looking until you find the family of your dreams. Don't settle for anything less. You owe it to yourself to know in your heart that you found the perfect family for you and your baby.

I am here for you and anyone else who needs and ear or an extra bit of support. If you want to talk you know how to reach me.

Hugs,
Maria

[Sweetie]

Is this sympathy for the OP or a classified ad?