[DCadoptee]

Hi everyone,

I was adopted as an infant by a wonderful family, but I always longed to meet my birth mother. She wrote an amazing letter shortly after I was born and it became my most valued possession. I finally found her when I was 22--almost seven years ago--and we started talking and emailing. I eventually visited her and her family. I wrote two magazine essays about what it was like to grow up with an adopted family and find my birthmother.

The story was sad, though, because as much as I longed to reconnect with her, I never felt like we clicked. I blamed myself and felt guilty about not having an instant connection with her. Now I realize there was a lot going on that I didn't understand or expect--deep feelings on her side (loss, guilt, need) that scared me.

As a writer, I'm hoping to connect with women who live near Washington, DC who are now going through the adoption process--or even just considering it--because I want to learn what it is like from thier perspective and shed light on this often-overlooked aspect of adoption: the worries and feelings of loss, but also the hope that children will have a better life.

At the same time, though, I understand how sensitive and how personal this is. I certainly don't want to intrude or make an already difficult experience worse.

I'm writing to ask for advice. Do you think there are women out there who want their stories told, or is that unrealistic? If there are, how can I best connect with them? Any advice or suggestions will be appreciated.

[Pinakitha]

My guess is that if you start asking young women who are in the process of relinquishing their children to adoption that you will meet with "denial". They will probably not be able to tell you how they really feel at that time or even give you a meaningful reason why.

Sadly, it is often not until the adoption has taken place that the full reality of what happened hits and, by then, it is too late for the mother. She has lost her child forever.

Even if you had been raised by your bmom, you may not have "gelled". That can happen you know (it did with me). On the other hand, as you say, you may not have been able to deal with the emotions your contacting your mother raised (both for her & for you).
I am sorry that you were disappointed. Perhaps you were a lot "younger" then & didn't know how to cope?

If you want to know about loss, trauma etc, I would be happy to respond to you if you send me a private message. However, I should tell you that I am not from the USA, but my feelings about what happened will probably be much the same as bmoms around the world.

[Montraviatommyg]

DC,

I would like to encourage you with your idea although it can be a minefield. There are many women who post on the forums, like me, who do feel strongly about sharing their stories no matter the pain is. If anything I posted here the past 18 months has touched anybody then hopefully I am doing a good job. Like Pinakitha I'm not in the USA but I am in reunion with my 24 year old son and am getting quite practised at sharing my ongoing story .

Pip

[FauxClaud]

There are MANY who want their stories told!!!
I'll PM you!

[Kindreds]

Check out Ann Fessler - Everlasting exhibit
http://www.inside.mica.edu/everlasting/

she is a professor at Univ. of RI - has completed a book being published in May. She is an adoptee that has spent several years interviewing mothers who lost their children to adoption. Her Everlasting exhibit has also travelled to other colleges/Universities (Radcliffe being one) and will be on the road again this Spring I understand.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Kindreds, thanks for that link.

To the OP: I encourage you to go on with your project. Check out the many birthmother blogs that are FINALLY starting to pop up on the net.

[Kindreds]

The "Unwed" Mother - Who Am I?
by Robin Westbrook


Look at me. Look closely at my face and truly see me.

I am the face of the housewife, the store clerk, the doctor, the teacher, the doting grandmother, the "childless" business executive, the judge, the florist, the drycleaner on the corner, the crossing guard...all these and more.


Behind my face, lies the truth you deny. Behind the wall I have built for self-protection, is the pain you refuse to see. My face does not reveal the open wound in my heart, but it is there.


I am the forgotten face, the face that fades into the crowd, that re-invents itself in order to fit in with all the rest of you.


I am the face that many wish would remain forever anonymous, the face that many long to see yet the face that others fear.


I am the face of denial and repression. Behind my silent, sealed lips, there are cries of grief and screams of rage. Behind my dry eyes, is a lifetime of unshed tears.


I am the face of long-ago shame and yesterday's scandal. I am the face of an imprisoned soul, punished for breaking obsolete and unloving rules.


I am the face of one-half of a whole. I am a missing piece longing for completion. I am the face of a traumatic and unnatural separation and a primal wound.


I am the face of grief without a grave, questions without answers and secrets unknown. I am the face of an unfinished story, a life in limbo and a victim of the needs and desires of others.


I am the face of remorse and betrayal and a singular brand of loneliness. I am the face of unique tragedy.


I am the face that, now, emerges from obscurity and calls out to be seen. You can call me the birthmother, the first mother, the natural mother or whatever term meets your comfort level, but it won't change the fact at hand.


That fact is that I am a MOTHER without her child.


Robin Westbrook, copyright 2000

[FauxClaud]

I know Robin Westbrook very well..and she has an amazing story as a mother in the babyscoop era. She is also on the east coast and is amoung those who is open and speaks about the loss of mothers ( obviously!)

[DCadoptee]

Thanks, everyone, for the great suggestions.

Any other ideas on how to meet women considering adoption in the DC area who want to share their stories?

I guess another way to approach the project would be to talk to bmoms at another crossroads--right before a reunion. I wonder which would be more compelling.

I'm curious: Do most of you regret choosing adoption?

Denise

[Pinakitha]

Thanks for that Kindreds. That was powerful!

In reply to the question about whether or not I regretted relinquishing my baby for adoption the answer is YES.

[Montraviatommyg]

Denise,

I never chose adoption but I do regret not having the strength to stop it happening. My parents were adamant it happened, the social worker lied to me so it would go through yet not once did I say I wanted my son adopted.

Pip

[Southernroots]

YES, I regret my decision every day of my life - and I always will. My son found me nearly 5 years ago - he is now nearly 36.

I will PM you a possibility to find some women in the area. Plus, if you want a woman about to relinquish, try local adoption agencies - I am certain that there are plenty

[Tigger27]

Nope, I don't regret my decision that I made to place both my girls for adoption. I know that was the right and best thing for my girls and myself in those situations.

I love them more than anything, but I know that the best thing was to place them and I'm at peace with my decisions that I made to place both my girls.