[mom2justynsarah]

My friend just found out her 17 year old daughter is pregnant (due in December). So this is a VERY early pregnancy.

"J" has alwasy been an A student & is graduating high school this May. She had been on the girl's varsity team all throughout high school & involved in many extra curricular activities.

She has always wanted to work in law enforcement. In fact, she had been part of what's called "Police Explorer's" program for high school students.

She had been accepted at numerous colleges (planning on starting college in the fall) on FULL scholarships!

So now she is pregnant. The father is a high school drop out loser. She is planning on keeping the baby (who by the way will be biracial) Her mom (although devastated) is supporting her decision in keeping the baby.

The current plans are that she will graduate high school and then work full time. She will go to college in the evening....and then..

Any words of wisdom regarding teen pregnancy? Any reality checks here? Any way I could encourage her to give the baby up for adoption? Or is that WAY out of line?

Please help out here bmoms..

Thanks a bunch!

[bumblebeeskies]

I believe that what you posted was way out of line!

You want to know what I got out of your post from reading "between the lines"? You want her baby! Your post wouldn't have been so bad, if I hadn't already known that you have two adopted children!

You stated:
So now she is pregnant. The father is a high school drop out loser. She is planning on keeping the baby (who by the way will be biracial).

That comment reminded me of gossippy women sitting around and someone whispering, "if that's not bad enough, the child will be half black"


However, you don't really want to "support" her as you titled your post, you want to talk her into giving it up for adoption-How convenient for you BTW. Do you have no regard to what adoption does to people? If she has chosen to keep her child, and can do so adequately, why instead plead with her to change her mind? Do you really want to see your friend's daughter go through years of pain and heartache? What if in 16 or 17 years it was your daughter?

I commend her mom in being supportive of her wanting to keep the baby. I'm sure that it wasn't news she was expecting to hear, but at least she is truely being supportive-Not plotting in her head about how to get her daughter to give her child up for adoption!

As for you, I think I'd probably be banned if I said what I actually thought of you.

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

My friend just found out her 17 year old daughter is pregnant (due in December). So this is a VERY early pregnancy.

"J" has alwasy been an A student & is graduating high school this May. She had been on the girl's varsity team all throughout high school & involved in many extra curricular activities.

She has always wanted to work in law enforcement. In fact, she had been part of what's called "Police Explorer's" program for high school students.

She had been accepted at numerous colleges (planning on starting college in the fall) on FULL scholarships!

So now she is pregnant. The father is a high school drop out loser. She is planning on keeping the baby (who by the way will be biracial) Her mom (although devastated) is supporting her decision in keeping the baby.

The current plans are that she will graduate high school and then work full time. She will go to college in the evening....and then..

Any words of wisdom regarding teen pregnancy? Any reality checks here? Any way I could encourage her to give the baby up for adoption? Or is that WAY out of line?

Please help out here bmoms..

Thanks a bunch!

I must admit I'm surprised by your attitude although I was confused by your first paragraph as you have stated that the baby is due in December . According to my maths the baby should be due in September.

Does it really matter if the boyfriend is a drop out loser? What is more important is that this young woman is healthy and her unborn baby is healthy. She needs support rather than people being judgemental, having "been there" with judgemental attitudes I can assure you it isn't very nice. I am also concerned about the "who by the way will be biracial" ... does it really matter? A baby is a precious gift no matter what the colour of their skin is. However I am thankful that her mother is being supportive as she does need constructive help.

Yes it is way out of line to encourage this young lady to go for adoption and am disgusted that you have this attitude. She a young mother to be who has every right to keep her baby so I'm rather upset by your attitude. If I'd had the support I deserved I would never have allowed my son to be adopted. In this day and age there is plenty of help for single mothers so I do believe you're the one who needs a reality check.

I was 19 and working when I was pregnant so could financially as well as emotionally able to keep my baby. My parents were adament that he was to be adopted, I had no support and I was continually lied to by the social worker. I NEVER wanted to relinquish so eventually the s/w told me it was too late to put a stop to the adoption. Last year I found out that it was a lie and I was devastated. I went through 23 years of regrets and grief at losing my son so the day I found him was one of the best days of my life. You obviously have no idea how devastating it can be to relinquish a child. To add to my pain my son found my family early in his search but they never told him where i was nor did they tell me they had contact with him. That was also cruel to him and he was hurt by their lies.

Pip

[bromanchik]

No one needs to have adoption pushed down their throat. It sounds to me like she has a solid plan. Life is full of twists and turns. Things rarely turn out the way we dream they will. But reality can be just as beautiful. It often excedes our dreams. It sounds to me as if she is making the most of her reality.

[kune]

bumblebeeskies

1. Support your friend every step of the way.
2. Tell her daughter that she will make a wonderful mother.
3. Offer her the use of your baby-gear
4. Don't ever be judgemental of anothers decisions.
5. This is her choice so honor her for being self-less.
6. With a young family your help will be invaluable.

I don't think you were being selfish. I think you are acting like the parent of a pregnant teen - panicing. As you know babies are hard work, but they are also such a blessing and bring joy into a household. If mothers with husbands and young children can complete their schooling or work full-time, there is no reason why this young woman cannot do the same - with support from family and friends. Just be there as a friend.

Ann

[FauxClaud]

No surprise here, but I am going to vote to agree that "It is WAY out of line" to even SPEAK about adoption to this family.

Let's see...so a smart motivated young woman is adapting to what life has to offer her, even if it's not the "plan", she is going to balance home and her education with support of her family, "She will go to college in the evening....and then..""
...and she will love and adore her baby, always have him/her as additional drive and motivation, and she will work, as we all must do at times, and live her life..
OR
She can have adoption whipsered in her ear, begin to doubt her own abilities, lose her first child to adoption, suffer endless tears, maybe not have the will and desire to finish her education anyway becasue she feels depressed and worthless, learn to parrot sayings that help her get though the dark nights, feels badly when they leave her empty still, and learn to self mediacted herself with who knows what.....and wonder and doubt herself the rest of her life..

Have you read the threads where us moms have talked about what we have gone though? Do you any affection for this girl? Why would you want to even take the chance that she even could feel like anyone of us? Maybe you can convince her that it would be peachy keen, but considering that she has a plan to keep her baby....I can very easily see that this one has huge regret written all over it.

I wouldn't wish the path of a surrendering mother to my own worse enemy..if I had one.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I agree with Claud.

Unless you are approached with questions about adoption, let the family deal with it in their own way. If you begin to hear that she is considering placement, you could offer your story but "encouraging her to give the baby up for adoption" is not only way out of line but rather coercive. She should be informed that she can still go to college, on scholarship. She should be encouraged to research all parenting resources.

Adoption is not ALWAYS the answer for an unplanned pregnancy. And if her Mom is supportive in her keeping the baby (God, how many of us wished for that!!!) then adoption really isn't something that should be "encouraged."

[Kitti]

I have to agree with the others that suggesting adoption to this young woman would be way out of line. That would be closing your mind to the idea that a young mother could in fact raise and love her own child. It will be hard yes, but not impossible and with her familes support it will probably be a great success. I have to speak for the bmoms who at a young age (I was 15) had our choices made for us by people who believed they knew what our capabilities were. MANY of us had no support and were told by our own mothers/parents that we were not keeping our children. We were told we were not good enough, smart enough,stable enough, or any number of derogatory things. We were shut away from the world, cut off from our friends and shamed by our familes. Why...........because we fell in love with a boy and we dared to dream about a child. We were scared but we knew we loved our unborn children. How many stories would have ended differently if our parents would have put aside their anger and said "This will be hard but I am here for you". It takes years to undo the feelings of worthlessness that can be given to you by an unsupportive family. It is hard to believe that anyone can approve of you if your own family does not, and that can play havoc on future relationships. My daughters I have raised are now 17 and 19 and so far have made good choices in their lives. I believe in them enough to know that if they do become pregnant,by accident or choice they will be good, capable mothers. I will be there to support any decisions they make and provide a vote of confidence when they need it. That I believe is what parents do. This young lady is very lucky to have her family and the baby she is carrying will bring joy to them. Your friend may be devestated at the moment but I bet she will adore her grandchild. Be there for them in a positive way.
Kitti

[bumblebeeskies]

There's no reason why she can't still go to school the regular, during the daytime way. There should be no reason why she can't get govt. assistance for child care. She will be able to get wic, so she won't have to worry much about formula costs. I wouldn't see why a part time job wouldn't be enough. She wouldn't have a lot extra, but at least she would have her baby, and it's not like college lasts for the rest of your life!

To the original poster, this is what you should morally do:

1. Like pp mentioned, offer her the stuff you no longer need.

2. Keep her child in clothes. Shoot, I don't even know this girl, but I would do it if I knew where to send to!

3. Offer to watch her baby for her, for free, when she needs it.

4. Help buy diapers!

Don't say one word to her about adoption. I'm sure she already knows about adoption, as you have adopted children. Obviously, that isn't the route she wants to take.

Oh, and why haven't you posted again in reply to what we're all saying? Can't handle the truth?

[MatthewS]

Completely out of line.

She has decided she is going to keep her child and her mother, while understandably concerned, has indicated she will be supportive.

You should be helpful and supportive. That's it, that's all.

[Aviera]

1. The issue of bi-raciality:
Statistically, bi-racial babies have a drastically lower adoption rate. Specifically because of people who worry about that sort of thing, like you.

So unless you do want her child, you're advising her to take a very long shot chance at her child finding a good home.

However, thankfully the type of morons who worry about that sort of thing are getting less and less. Maybe her child would've gotten lucky.

2. Family, close friend, whatever your relationship with her (and I'm unclear as to whether you're friends with the mother or the mother-to-be) you have a right to state your opinion.

Once her decision has been made, however, you do not have the right to KEEP expressing your opinion. That, my dear, is the definition of a jerk.

If you do actually care, as opposed to just being nosey and controlling, think of ways to help her decision become the right one (as opposed to hampering her with doubts and waiting till it fails so you can feel justified).

3. The attitude you come across as having is, in my opinion, a very large reason of why abortion is sought after. You make things sound dirty and impossible.

It'll take too long to go into the full reasoning behind the connection, but hopefully you can see the direction.

Don't hinder her because you don't even realize you feel threatened by her being stronger than you think you might be.

And if the person above who mentioned you might want the child for yourself (I kinda doubt it because it's clear you're racially prejudiced) is even remotely possible, I beg you to get ahold of yourself.

The bottom line is help this young lady make her decision work. Respect her, don't assume she's wrong because of your own fears, apprehensions and prejudices.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by bumblebeeskies

I believe that what you posted was way out of line!

You want to know what I got out of your post from reading "between the lines"? You want her baby! Your post wouldn't have been so bad, if I hadn't already known that you have two adopted children!

You stated:
So now she is pregnant. The father is a high school drop out loser. She is planning on keeping the baby (who by the way will be biracial).

That comment reminded me of gossippy women sitting around and someone whispering, "if that's not bad enough, the child will be half black"


However, you don't really want to "support" her as you titled your post, you want to talk her into giving it up for adoption-How convenient for you BTW. Do you have no regard to what adoption does to people? If she has chosen to keep her child, and can do so adequately, why instead plead with her to change her mind? Do you really want to see your friend's daughter go through years of pain and heartache? What if in 16 or 17 years it was your daughter?

I commend her mom in being supportive of her wanting to keep the baby. I'm sure that it wasn't news she was expecting to hear, but at least she is truely being supportive-Not plotting in her head about how to get her daughter to give her child up for adoption!

As for you, I think I'd probably be banned if I said what I actually thought of you.

bumblebeeskies,
I don't even know where to start with you. First correction, I don't have 2 adopted children. I have one bio and one adopted.

If you think your familiar with me, why don't you check out all of the other posts I have written on these boards. Then come back and tell me what you really thought of me. I am sure you will be sorry for what you said.

From what I can tell from your reply to my post, you are a VERY angry person. Are you a bmom or an adoptee?

As a person touched by adoption, I view adoption as a VERY POSITIVE, BEAUTIFUL, LOVING and WONDERFUL experience.

I have already asked my friend what her daughter thought about adoption. She said she would never do it. No problem- END OF DISCUSSION! Geez!

As far as talking about the birth father- I was telling the truth about this guy. No, it doesn't make a difference that she is white and he is black. I just wanted to provide all of the details relating to her life and her pregnancy. I was ASKING for advise.

Oh, and by the way- I just spoke with my friend a short while ago. Right now, her daughter is on the fence as to terminate the pregnancy or keep the baby.

Lastly, if in 16 or 17 years my daughter gets pregnant, I can't honestly say what I would say or do. If she was that age now- she would not be keeping the baby.

[mom2justynsarah]

Ok folks- what started out as a request for advise has turned into a bashing session. I don't appreciate being called a moron, a jerk, or accused of being prejudiced.

Obviously I have touched a major raw nerve here. For that my sincere apologies. If you could step back a bit, take a deep breath and calm down, you would see what I was presenting.

You may not like to hear it- but this is the truth. A young white girl pregnant by a young black man is not something that a lot of people jump up and down with joy about.

FORTUNATELY, my friend (including me and my husband) have never had a problem with black, white, purple, green, .. people are people.

It is devastating in general for a parent to learn that their under age daughter (not mine- she is only a baby) is pregnant.

My friend is shocked, scared, angry, sad and every other mixed emotion you can imagine. Also, her daughter was set to go off to college in the fall (on a full scholarship). Now she is giving that away because she is pregnant.

Who can HONESTLY say that if they had the chance to do it over, they would have wanted to be a teen mom?

The fact that the baby is biracial doesn't mean that he/she isn't god's creation. ALL children are precious in god's eyes (AND MINE). Yet, it does have social consequences.

HIS parents are not talking to HER because she is white. They do not want to accept a half white baby. HER grandparents want to disown her. HER father doesn't want a half black grandchild..and so on and so forth.

You can call it what you want- don't direct your anger at ME. It is society that causes racial discord. NOT ME!

Lastly- the baby is due in September.

Please stop the blasting. I am in no intentions trying to hurt anyone. I would like the same respect.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hey mom2justynsarah,
I'm sorry you're getting so blasted. I think we've all been in a situation on here where we have posted a request for honest feedback and it becomes a food fight. It's good that there is a place for people to come for help, and unfortunate when personal attacks replace opinions.

As far as your post, it was a little rough around the edges, but I think I heard it more from a concerned friend of a woman who's daughter is in a bind right now. (and I didn't know if your kids were adopted, bio, relinquished, etc)

I picked up on the drop out loser comment. It reminded me of my little brother (not so little anymore, but still little to me.) He dropped out of high school in 9th grade. I can't even tell you how many times he stayed back. He really did give it a shot. And he finally gave in. Not before having met his girlfriend.

He dropped out probably 11 years ago, maybe 12. He's been with the same girl since then. She got pregnant, and she, too, dropped out. (she miscarried that pregnancy but went on to have a baby with my brother a few years later) She had had aspirations to be a dr. And she was a straight A student, too. I always felt a little bad that she dropped out and never went back. But she may still go back for her GED. He just got his GED less than a year ago. He used to be really messed up. And I mean REALLY messed up. He's been clean for years and hasn't been in trouble for years. His (their) daughter will be 6 in May. I would love for them to have more kids! But that's just me being selfish wanting more nieces and nephews. :-)

He's really gotten it together. And I know that when they got pregnant in high school, people said the same about my brother. So did I. Not because he got her pregnant, no, but because of all the drugs and legal problems he made for himself. That was what really upset me about him. My parents lost years, I swear, worrying about him.

But, he's great now. I have more pride in him than in anyone I think. I never in a million years thought he could be where he is. His gf is fortunate enough to be a full time stay at home mom. And he loves providing for his family. Yeah, he spoils his daughter, but I'm so glad that he's that kind of dad. He's had to work than any of the rest of us in our family, and he's doing great. I can not tell you how proud I am of him. I tell him and he doesn't believe me, he still doesn't have the best self esteem, but he is amazing. And he would be devastated if his gf ever left him, and if he couldn't hug and kiss his little girl every morning and every night. He has been at the job he's at now, longer than I've been at mine! I never thought he'd hold a job longer than 3 days!!! I really didn't.

So, losers can change. I hope that your friend's daughter is healthy, and if the guy is a loser, I hope he's not an abuser, you know? I hope that if there is any danger for her she finds the strength and support she needs to get away, and if not, maybe he will turn out like my brother. We really never know.

Yeah, it is very difficult when someone you love is faced with changing their life plans... like my brother's gf not being a doctor. But, she gets so much joy out of living in her little country apartment being at home with her daughter that I know she'd never have even if she was a successful doctor. Now, she says she can't imagine going back to school. She feels like she should (because that's what society pushes), but she says she doesn't want to because it would be a waste since she doesn't want to work. (Not gonna lie, the not wanting to work does urk me, but probably only because right now I HAVE to, y'know?).

I think you'll be a very supportive friend to your friend and your friend's daughter. It is unfortunate she is considering abortion. But that is her choice right now. And she has to make the choice. If anyone tells her what to do, she'll resent them later. She needs to make up her own mind. If she feels later that it's a mistake, at least it's her mistake. It's tough to not know what to do. I really feel for this girl. I think everyone has struggled with not really knowing what is right or wrong for them in certain situations, and this might be this young girl's first experience with that sort of dilemma, and that is so hard. I'm sorry that your friend's daughter is going through this.

[BrandyHagz]

Wow - this is out of hand...sorry folks - take a breather.