[cryingcrimson]

i placed my son for adoption. i didnt want to do it, but i didnt really have any other option. i was on bed rest the majority of my pregnancy so i couldnt support myself, but i just keep thinking, i could have done something i dont know what to do. i feel ive lost all purpose all reason im so depressed. i realized nothing i do will ever be good enough to get my son back. hes gone and its over. i have a very open relationship with his adoptive parents, we visit and talk all the time. and sometimes i think that makes it harder. i cant find closure. i see him every few weeks, so i know hes doing wonderfully. but i just dont know what to do. everyone keeps saying "you made the best decision for your baby" how do they know that? as soon as i had the baby i could have gotten a job, i could have done it. i know i could have, the job i aim to start soon would have hired me even with a child and the money is enough to take care of me and a baby. How does anyone know that he'll grow up to be a happier person because of my decision? i miss him so much. i cant seem to get out of this "funk" but i dont know how much longer i can deal with this pain. i wish i could get him back. even if there was a way his adoptive parents love him and i could never bring the kind of pain i feel on anyone else. ive been prescribed lorazopam (like a weak valium) and prozac (an antidepressant). i just need some advice.

[kune]

CRYINGCRIMSON
You poor darling. I know the empty arms feeling even though it was years ago I relinquished my son. Does it get getter? Well I can assure you that life does go on. You will work through the grief as best you can and there is happiness and a good life to move on to, but you can't delete a child you loved for 9 months, and that maternal feeling that the two of you shared. You will always remember your first born and in many ways it will assist you to be the best Mom you can be to your future children. You now know how precious and important life is.
How long ago do it you place him with his adoptive family?
Are you receiving any counselling?
Are you alone or have a partner or family for emotional support?

Know that you are not alone. Lot's of mothers on the forums have walked in your shoes. We all differ, most of us are still struggling with our decisions, but......

Keep posting. Your willingnes to reach out to others and ask for help will also give you people to talk with who understand your thoughts and fears.

Ann

[banjo]

Hi Crying, I your bson still a baby??? Perhaps you should investigate possible ways of getting him back. Yep I know it will seriously hurt the aparents but ....they too know the risks of adoption...yes he's probably bonded with them but he will bond with you again as well...Go and find out how to over turn the adoption...at least you can look back and be sure that you explored all avenues....I too live with grief and regret and my bchild is almost 15 and it has impacted hugely on my life.....most of us do adoption changes everyone's lives forever and has a huge ripple effect.....banjo....

[leaabc123]

Instead of focusing on trying to change something that probably can not be changed legally. Focus on helping yourself now, seek counseling from someone experienced with grief issues and adoption issues.

If you feel that seeing your child is making things harder, perhaps a break from visits right now might be good for you? I am not suggesting cutting off all contact but you may need some space to heal.

Good Luck

[Lorics64]

Hi! I was in the same was forced to give my children up. It has been 3 and half years and there is not a day goes by where im not missing her. I dont get to see her or talk to her It is very hard on holidays and her birthday.

[papaeck]

lorics64, know the feeling, i was forced to give up my only daughter 45 yrs ago i was only 15, her birthfather and i married and had 4 sons. we are in contact w my daughter christine but i have only regrets that i didnt yell out , i want to keep my baby. the pain never goes away , you just live with it stuff it away and go on , i can hope my daughter and i can have a good relationship now, but the adopted mom doesnt want her to see me.

[papaeck]

seriousreqret, if i was you i would try to get my son back anything is possible. i wished i had done something years ago. when my daughter found me, she said she used to dream i came and got her. how sad for me.

[schuggi]

I understand your pain, one thing I can say as a woman who has recently placed a child, you can not determine the future, You cannot second guess it. You made the best decision for your son! That was what you thought was best at the time and that is what you needed to do,and it is good, you are good! I always say I made the best decision for my son but the worst one for me.The pain is indescribeable When you made this decision you were thinking of someone other than yourself and that is what makes it a great decision! Often when we make decisions thinking of others first, it causes us pain, but know that it is not a fruitless pain. One day at a time, you must begin to thank God for his loving family, thank God for his health and yours. God will give you a second chance, yes I know that will NOT replace that preciuos angel you let go but, you hopefully will begin to find peace with your decision. He will know opportunity, he will know you. Please be encouraged, God loves you, your son will love you and I am sure the adoptive parents love you. It was a hard thing you went through but you can and will come out on the other side a better person, make the choice to make your little angel proud of you some day when he is older and can understand more.schuggi

[Southernroots]

Is the adoption final yet? If it is not, I'd move heaven and earth to get him back. I know - all the adoptive parents hate to hear that. But, look at it this way, do you wnat to fill the hole in their heart at the expense of your own heart? They would be hurt if they lost him, but failed adoptions happen, and adoptive parents find other babies and children to love. I do not mean to minimize the pain for them, but, what is best for you and your child should be your priority. You do not "owe" your child to them.

If the adoption is final, I have further advice for you, but, I would rather wait till I know whether the adoption is a done deal or not.

[RiverGal]

Crying ~ My heart really goes out to you. How well I remember the emptiness and millions of regrets that came along with relinquishing. It's not something that most of us "get over," but in time, it is possible to "get through" the pain...at least come to grips with it.

I agree 100% with leaabc123 (post #4). In order to heal, you may consider limiting your (at least F2F) contact for a bit. And a good counselor who is familiar with adoption issues and the grief that you are feeling could be a great asset to you at this point.

IMO, the energy that some are suggesting you expend on trying to interrupt the adoption (which is most likely futile anyhow) could be better spent on trying to heal and move ahead.

I wish you all the best.

~Deb

[angelsmom]

I am so sorry.

Yes, it depends how long ago this took place. If it is VERY, VERY soon after - and IF you have the resources, contact an attorny IMMEDIATELY. But know that even then, your chances are very slim except in cases of duress or undue pressue or some other legal loophole, like the baby's father did not consent to the adoption.

You are right that there are no guarantees that he will be better off. If you are to do this - you need to act IMMEDIATELY for both legal reasons and for the best interest of your son. The feelings of his a-parents are NOT the primary concern here. HIS well being is! Do whatever you feel in your heart is best for him, based on the currrent situation and then you will have to learn to live with knowing that you did the best with what was available to you AT THE TIME!

Few birthmoms who have no regrets.

If you do not choose to or cannot reverse the adoption, make sure you keep track of the a-parents in the event they move or change their mind about openneess. It happens. If there is any way possible to obtain their SS#s do it. It could be vital in tracking them if need be.

One ** I know in an open adoption, got a notarized agreement from the a-parents that if EITHER of them died or was incapacitated, custody would return to her. This was because the a-parents were odler and neither of them could handle the child alone. But you might get some sort of agreement from them, even if it was in the event both died. Sometimes even after a divorce a single parent decides they cannot handle parenting alone. BUT, you need to be careful not to spook them by appearing to be a threat who wants your son back - then they might disappear without a trace if they feel threatened with loosing him.

Good luck.

Mirah

[maryjanek]

cryingcrimson --

I also gave up my baby and regretted it deeply. Maybe I was lucky that it was a closed adoption -- the only kind that existed then -- so I couldn't torment myself with the thought of getting him back.

I think for your own sanity you need to believe there was a reason your child was adopted by this family. You've hurt yourself, but you haven't hurt him. Remember you are part of your son's life. He'll always know you. It doesn't alleviate your pain, but it is precious. All the years of his childhood, I had no way of even knowing whether my son was still alive.

I reunited with my son when he was 29. We're a lot alike, it turns out, and I've become a doting third grandmother to his two sons. The pain of what I missed is there in the background, but I've had a lot of joy from our relationship. And I have a grown daughter I raised who's a very important part of my life. I agree with the person who said losing a child makes you realize what a gift it is to be a mother. If that is what you want, the joy can be yours someday, too.

So many women have come through what you're going through and gone on to live fulfilling lives. I pray that you also find the strength and hope to go on.

[LisaCA]

if the adoption has been finalized, then it's time to focus on yourself. I'm sure the aparents won't mind if you take some time outs from the visits and calls til you get yourself together. As an aparent I know it's sometimes difficult to have that closeness initially and I wouldn't mind at all if dd's bmom asked to have some time. we'll be here when she's ready.

Contact an atty to see if there's anything you can do, and make sure you're in counseling with someone who knows about adoption.

I can't speak to the pain your experiencing from a personal place since I haven't been through what you're experiencing. I do know that medications, while helpful in the short term, don't help you to deal with the problem in the long term. Talking to folks can be quite helpful, however.

I wish you luck and peace.

Lisa

[mrsburt]

I fully understand what you are saying. I too was forced to place my daughter for adoption when I was 15. She is now 19 and we have a wonderful relationship.
If I were you, I would tread lightly on letting the aparents know that you intend to see about getting him back. They may take off and then you will never see him again, and in time when he wants to make contact with you, they may keep him from it.
I would see a counselor and take it from there, and please see an attorney asap. You are his mother, and I too wish that my parents wouldn't have made me give her up. I was lied to by my parents and it was a horrible experience.
Do what you can. At least you will know that you made an effort.
Being a birthmother made me decide to have only one more child when I got married. I never felt "good" enough since I thought that I had "blown" being a good mother the first time.
We are here for you.
Please know that.

[angelsmom]

[quote=maryjanek]cryingcrimson --

I also gave up my baby and regretted it deeply. Maybe I was lucky that it was a closed adoption -- the only kind that existed then -- so I couldn't torment myself with the thought of getting him back.

Open adoptions are no easier per se to reverse than closed. The only way to reverse an adoption is if the law was violated, i.e:

1) the brithfather did not consent
2) birthmother was coerced
3) money paid beyong expnses
4) birthmother made to sign before the birth

One case I know of involved taking and underage ** across state lines and telling her to lie to her parents abotu where she was.

And even then VERY VERY few succeed because the a-partenst drag it out - even disobeying court orders, often gettng lots of public opinion on their side - until the child has been with them so long the judge deicdes that even if a law was broken it's in the child's best interest to let him/her remain with "the only family he's ever known."

So, maybe in that sense an open adoption is a SLIGHT edge on the outcome. But there first needs to be a proof that the adoption was obtained illegally.

Mirah