[andraya]

hello all,

I am fairly new here and haven't posted anything this far. I am a birth mom to a wonderful boy who will be 11 this November. He was adopted at 3 after much turmoil and hardships in our lives. I just knew he needed a better home than I could provide. I also have a 7 year old daughter who I co-parent along side her father.

My problem now is that I have found myself pregnant again and am very fearful, not about parenting or even about the birth but that this child will also be a boy. I am also a reunited adoptee and would love to ask my own bmom about it but she had my sister only 17 months after me and honestly can only remember thinking that she would be allowed to raise her, my sister's gender never became an issue. My sister has three boys of her own and I must admit that I find it hard to see them, mostly the eldest, because of the strong resemblance to my son.

The closer I come to my due date, January 31, 2006, and my next ultrasound on October 18, the more afraid I become. Our family has such strong genetics, I look like my mom, my son looks like me, my daughter looks like my sister and her boys well they are all so similar to my Justin. I had awful post partum depression after my daughter and truly felt I was unworthy of parenting. The only saving grace was that she was a girl. I just don't know how I will be able to handle holding another boy if he was to look like Justin.

Has anyone else been fearful of having another child after placing one?

[SchmennaLeigh]

There are some interesting discussions in "Birthparents Trying to Conceive" forum about this specific issue.

I made a post (Petrified of a Girl) in which I stated that I was absolutely petrified of having a girl. (My first child, placed, was a girl.) Your feelings are not uncommon or unwarranted. I am due next month (though currently on bedrest and looking to go earlier than our due date) with what will be our first child post-placement. (Husband was not the first child's birthfather.) I have been through a myriad of emotion, trying to figure out what to do with this child, how I will feel, how to be a parent, etc.

There are lots of women around these parts that have had a child post-placement that have helped me through some of these questions. Do not feel alone.

[andraya]

It is a relief to hear that I am not being a freak about all this, This baby is such a miracle as I had cervical cancer 5 years ago and was told there were no more babies in my future. I don't want to feel ungrateful for this child but the emotions surrounding my son's adoption are still a bit raw.

Thanks very much for the reply, knowing I am not alone is a comfort.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I don't want to feel ungrateful for this child but the emotions surrounding my son's adoption are still a bit raw.

I don't think anyone would take your post as sounding ungrateful. (Though some people may have judgements; just let it roll when it happens.) Working through your fears prior to the baby's arrival shows that you not only care greatly for this child but also for the one you have placed. The work that I have done emotionally on preparing for this little one to enter the world has helped me (greatly!) with some emotions that I didn't know were "leftover" from my daughter's placement. I encourage you to keep working through these emotions; ask questions, not only of others and their experiences but ask questions of yourself. What is triggering this fear? Is it solely the genetic resemblance? Or is there more?

Consider journaling (either on the site or in a paper journal). I do both and it really, really helps.

Hang in!

[andraya]

I have been keeping a journal of this pregnancy and it has helped in so many ways. I know there will be judgements, there always are lol. My fears are unwarranted and seem out of place, but I know I will get past them... I have had problems during this preg as well and it just seems too parallel to Justin's pregnancy and birth. I think that is fuelling the fire a bit.

I just read and replied to your post on the birthparents trying to conceive board. I too spent a pregnancy in and out of labour and on bed rest, Horrid time for sure. Justin was almost 7 weeks early. I will be thinking of you and your little one.