[PearlyGraceyLou]

If its not to intrusive to ask:

I was wondering if you guys would share with me why you gave your child up for adoption

and whether you regret it or not

Any information would be a great help thanks



PearlyGraceyLou

[MajaHedman]

We placed Punkin because we weren't ready to be parents, period, my partner moreso than me. I didn't want to be a single parent, nor do I think I am capable of that, and I knew I would be if I chose to keep Punkin.

Do I regret my choice? No, not really. It isn't something that I am happy, happy, joy, joy over, but it is something that I can live with.

[Tigger27]

I placed both my girls for adoption because I felt it was the best thing. I felt that was the best choice I could make for both my girls -- to place them for adoption where each of them would have a mom and a dad who loved and respected each other and would give them the world. Whereas I wasn't in the best position to have been able to have given either one of my girls everything I wanted them to have. I would have had to single parent and with the financial responsibilities and everything, I knew it wouldn't have been fair or right for me to have kept my girls. That is, of course, only my story and I'm not saying that single parenting can't work, it just wasn't meant to be for me to keep my girls and raise them myself.


I researched my options and discussed everything I could think of with my counselor before deciding on adoption. I looked at everything before I made my decision, but after much thought and prayer, I knew they were meant to be with other families. Each of my girls went to a different family and they both fit into each family I placed them with and I'm very close and best friends with both adoptive families I placed with and talk with them on a regular basis through e-mail.

What it came down to for me was deciding what I thought and felt was the best for my girls and what decision I could live with the rest of my life. For me, adoption was the only decision I felt right about and that I could live with the rest of my life, I knew that if I had kept either one of my girls I would have always kicked myself and would have felt that they had suffered because I had kept and raised them myself. I couldn't have lived with knowing that my girls would not have had everything I wanted them to have most especially a mom and a dad that loved and respected each other. There were many things that I wanted them to have that I knew I wouldn't have been able to give and provide for them the same way a family would.

One way I'd sum it up is that I wanted and still do want both my girls to have everything, to have the world at their fingertips and access to everything they could ever want and more and I couldn't give it to them by myself. I love them deeply and unconditionally just like any mother loves their child and I think about them every single day and night and pray for them and hope their happy and well always and that they always will know how much I loved them. But the thing was that my love for them probably wouldn't have been enough to give them everything with and so because of how much I love them I gave them everything through placing them with these two wonderful families who could give them everything, provide them with opportunities I couldn't and give them happiness too.

Of course, there is a lot of pain, sorrow and heartache that I've experienced since placing my 2 1/2 yr old and my 10 mo old. There is a lot of grief and heartache that never really goes away, you learn to deal and better cope with it each day as time passes, but there's always a piece of me missing that left and went with both my girls - they each carry a piece of my heart with them and I've had to find other ways and things to help to somewhat compensate for that void in my heart and soul, but the only complete compensation will be when I see my girls again when they're older. So, believe me, adoption is not an easy thing for anyone to do.

But be that as it may that there's grief, pain and heartache and the reality that I don't have my girls with me and that I physically ache to hold them sometimes, I don't regret for one minute my decision to have placed them both for adoption because I knew with all of me that it was the best and right decision for both my girls and myself. I still know with that same certainty I had back then that I made the best and right choice for my girls and I won't ever regret it. I'm not all happy, happy, but it was the best and right choice for my girls.

I'll always love them and they'll always be my daughters and I'll always be their mother even though I'm not raising them and they're not with me because there is a strong connection and bond between mother and child that I know is real and I feel it between myself and each of my girls every single day even though we're apart.

Anyway, sorry I got a little long winded there and I hope that what I said might help you out.

Good Luck and God Bless,

Anne

[carmentb]

Well, I was 17 and a Junior in High School. My father made the decision to go through an Agency for Open Adoption, where I could pick one family out of six. I had my ups and downs, but recently, while I was updating my contact information through the agency, my Case worker called his Mother and called my right back with a verbal update.(He is now 14 and it has been so long since we made contact) The whole family is doing great! And that was all I needed to know. I was young and I am grateful that my Father helped me make that decision. My whole family grieved for a long while, but now my parents have plenty of grandchildren and I've grown so much. I don't know your story, but I feel, at that time, I did a good thing. I love him and his family and they are in my heart forever. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Send me a personal email and we can keep in touch through this. You don't have to go through this alone.
Keep smiling...I promise everything will be okay!

[SchmennaLeigh]

There was no one single reason for placement. I was simply not in the place that I needed to be in order to adequately parent a child. This included financial, emotional, spiritual and physical reasons coupled with some unique factors.

No, I do not regret placement. There are days that suck. I always miss her even though we have the most open of adoptions. But I do not regret doing what was best for my child at the time.


Side note: I didn't "give up" my child. I went through an arduous task of weighing the pros and cons of what was best for my child. I then placed her in an open adoption.

[Montraviatommyg]

In my situation I didn't actually want my son to be adoption despite breaking up from an emotionally bad relationship. My parents were adament he was to be adopted, I didn't get support from anybody else including my social worker who also lied to me. She knew I didn't want him adopted and said she would support my decision but when he was 6 weeks old she told me it was too late to stop it so I would have to go through with it. Earlier this year when I received copies of the adoption papers I found out she had lied to me.

Got to agree that I'm another one who "didn't give up" my child ... I was lied/forced to. Fortunately last year we were reunited last year just after he turned 23 and we have a good reunion.

Pip

[Sugrsugr]

what about those who did not 'give up' their child ? what about the lies that are told to get a mother to 'give up' her child ? what if she's told her child didn't even survive the birth or after birth ?

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by Sugrsugr

what about those who did not 'give up' their child ? what about the lies that are told to get a mother to 'give up' her child ? what if she's told her child didn't even survive the birth or after birth ?

I've heard about cases like that.

Pip

[MelissaJohnson]

Hi I placed my son for adoption 10 months ago. Some days I miss him more then I can say, I know that I did the right thing for him and I have a very open adoption so if I miss him I can just go see him. But I am still not his mother and I regret that. I dont regret having him or placing him for adoption but I do regret that I couldnt mother him.

[FauxClaud]

Because I was young and scared and thought that adoption would be a "right" solution.
Because I doubted myself and my abilities to mother. I thought that I would feel resentment and that my needs would always continue to be more important.
Because I had no clue of what being a mother ment and how the love for one's child pretty much superseeds it all.
Because I could not face the reality of the situation, deal with the conflict and controversary and wanted to make it all "go away" and adoption enabled me to do that.
Because I was so damaged and lost that I needed to be the "strong, selfless angel" to feel worthy of good things in my life.
Because I thought that it was a win win solution and I could just move on in my life uneffected.
Because I thought it was a better situation for my child and he also would be uneffected.
Becuase I procrastinated reality and refused to just accept it and deal.

I wish I hadn't let my son slip away.
I wish I had anyone who had done more than just agree with my "decision" and let me make such a huge life altering decision based on fear and doubt.
I wish I had the ability to see that I had everything in my grasp to do the job, do it well, and keep my joy.
I wish that I thought I was important enough to my child, had something to offer, and that money wasn't everything and I would not be in the same situation for ever.
I wish that I was really "strong"; strong enough to fight, strong enough to try, rather than run away.
I wish that I was more aware at the time of how my son could feel later on..because finding out after the fact that I could have caused him pain was trully awful and very hard to accept and process.
I wish that I had thought about how adoption was forever and it would never stop being an issue in my life.
I wish that I had thought beyond the immediate crisis and my needs to think abut how it would effect my future child, my family, my grandchildren forever.
I wish there was a way out of the "Birthmother Club" and it could really be over.
I wish there was a way to undo it all and spare myself all the needless tears.

I wish I had just accepted what life had to offer me rather than change it to fit me needs, my timeline, my fantasy of what it was "suppose" to be.

ANd mostly I wish that I could have just not done ot at all, despite having a good life, despite being treated well, despite knowing my son is content and well loved...I wish that tomorrow morning I could just walk down stairs and get to yell at my now larger than me baby to stop teasing his little sister and why did he not take the dog out. I wish I could feel disgusted when I have to pick up his dirty socks and tell him to please, for the love of god, turn that music down!
All the "right" reasons..and all of then were wrong.
It can all work out and still be a bad choice.

[makhaze]

I have to totally agree with Claud. All the right reasons, but still I regret it. I don't feel that I gave my child up, either. I was young and had no support, and my doctor took advantage of that. I was manipulated and lied to and my counseling was nothing more than endless reminders that the ad-parents could financially care for my child better than I could. I have wished a million times that even one person had said to me, "You can do it." I wished I would have known then what I know now, that no matter what, you always find a way.

[missingmyboy]

Lots of reasons for placing. No time to list them all at the moment as I have to get to bed as I have to work early in the morning. I will come back later. In the mean time, I wanted to say that I have absolutely no regrets about choosing adoption. Was it hard and at times emotionally hell for me? You can bet it sure was. But I don't have any regrets with my decision.

Shell

[banjo]

Hi, I am totally in agreement with Claud. I wasn't ready to parent and the pregnancy was totally unplanned - at that time in my life I had already decided that I was never going to have children!!! But children are the best and being a mother is tough, hard work esp if you do it alone but it's the best job ever. Also children truly need very little materially in life - they just need lots of love and to have their mom close. I seriously regret my decision. I also want to get out of the birthmother's club - however I have met some great women along the way. good luck with your decision.

[kitkat582497]

I gave Hope up becoue her Father lives 1 state away... I would have to pick her life up in a year soo she could be close to him... As for being ready to parent we both were BUT the time would have been an issuse I work 60- 70 hours a week and he works 50-60 hours a week... WE now live in the same state as each other and we still gave her up... She is with a great family form our church... Do I reget it NOT AT ALL never will my famliy is NUTS... and we would have to be there with them... Not heathy for anyone... I honstly never plained to have Bio children I love adotion... and I'm happy that I could be on this end of things... I do miss her EVERYDAY... BUT we would All be soooooo unhappy if we would have kepted her... Shes such a HAPPY baby...

[lolapink]

I placed my son because I already single parent another boy and I felt it was unfair to us all to try to parent 2 with the resources I had. I placed because I didn't want to see another baby of mine crying because his daddy continuously broke promses and lied. I placed because I wanted to do better for us all. I don't regret placing because I thought long and hard about it and did lots of research. I am confident that I made the right choice for me and my children. I love his adoptive family and I feel good that I hand picked them.