[BrandyHagz]

…could tell someone considering adoption what would it be?

If an expectant mother or father walked up to you on the street and said, “I’m thinking about adoption as an option for my child, what can you tell me that I haven’t thought or heard about?” what would you say?

I’m really only interested in hearing from birthparents, as birthparents have first hand experience dealing with birthparent experiences.

I’d like to hear the one thing you say in response based on your experiences.

Thanks!

[mtlover]

I would ask them if they have considered parenting. I would let them know that adoption is definitely an option and still there is no one better to raise their child then they are... that is what I would tell them.

Kim

[SchmennaLeigh]

I would tell them this: research all of your options prior to making any decision and if adoption is your decision, be fully prepared to remake the decision after birth.

Technically, that's two things, but they go hand in hand. Research is key to any decision involving these topics. All parenting options need to be researched and exhausted. If the expectant mother or father still believes, at that point, that parenting is not an option for the situation, adoption needs to be researched THOROUGHLY. They need to know the laws for their state and even the county in which TPR will be signed. (For example, even within a state, one county will need two witnesses to sign while a neighboring county could need three; knowing this prior to signing will help keep problems at bay.) They need to know the different kinds of adoption; closed, semi-open, open and what agencies/lawyers that they are researching feel on each one of these options. Beyond the technical research regarding laws, signatures and so on, they need to research what current birthparents are saying about adoption and how the healing process can effect them. They need to read the good stories AS WELL AS the bad stories, because they are equally as real and equally as vital to one's recovery post-placement.

With all of that comes the fact that they need to know that emotions can change when the baby is born and that it is absolutely okay, no matter how much contact you have had with the potential adoptive family, to change your mind and parent your own child. Prior to signing the TPR, that child is theirs and theirs alone and no one else has a right to the child or can stake claim over the child.

I cannot stress research enough. I didn't do enough of my own and truly lucked out when I compare how much I knew with all of the horror stories that could have befell me. I only had to deal with an unethical agency, a lawyer who didn't know county specific laws and the complete shock that post-placement grief brought. It could have been far worse, so I totally encourage research, research, research.

[coco46]

I guess the thing I would try to convey would be that the "adoption" isn't over for a birthparent once the TPR is signed.

All your life, this child, and later, this unique adult person, will be out there. They are connected to you in a way that no legal paper can ever fully sever. You will be a birthmother or a birthfather all of your life, from that moment forward.

And no matter how comfortable (or uncomfortable) you are with the decision you make to place, that fact will not change. It doesn't go away. That isn't always bad, but it can be very hard.

[donnaparadise]

You never forget. No matter what anyone tells you - you never, ever forget!

[Montraviatommyg]

That no matter how much you do (may) feel you're doing the right thing opting for adoption it is painful and the pain never goes away....you just learn how to deal with it.

Pip

[Tigger27]

I would strongly reinforce everything everyone else has said in the above posts.

Also I would say that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says to you about your situation and that all that matters is that when it comes down to it, you have to be able to live with whatever choice you make, whether that choice is adoption, parenting or what not. You are the one who has to live with your choice and you have to be able to know deep inside you that you are going to be okay and be able to live the rest of your life knowing that you made whatever choice you did.

You also have to do what is in the best interest of your child and yourself and not worry about anyone else. This decision is about your child and what the best thing is for them first and foremost and then it's about you and what's best for you and you have to know you'll be okay and can live with your decision the rest of your life.

There's a ton of advice and things to cover, but that's some of what I would say.

Anne

[michellemartin]

I'd tell them that open adoptions are not legally binding.

I wouldnt say that the pain of adoption never goes away, because I dont feel pain. Adoption is something that I will always live with, but I dont find it painful.

And I'd stress Jenna's aproach, research research research...

And I'd stress that the decision has to be remade after birth and That it is OKAY to change your mind. It seems that pbmothers are made to feel that it will devastate all those around them if they change their mind...

Okay, more than one. sorry.

[scarlet52698]

I would also stress doing lots of research on the effects of adoption not only on birthparents but adult adoptees.

Also, take what professionals say to you with a grain of salt. It may or may not be complete information and you should check out what you are told via outside sources.

[kelly1244]

i would tell them plain and simple to sit down and really think about it. i went into it blind myself, unware of the full spectrum of emotions that were involved in adoption.

no choice is easy... if it was we wouldnt have these problems... but i'd tell someone to be informed over anything.

just my two cents tho..

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Put down any preconceived notions of "It wont be that way for me" and really listen to the people who have been there... they once thought "It wont be that way for me", too.

You will never forget your child. And your life will NEVER go back to "normal".

[MajaHedman]

To look into all your options and seriously consider parenting. There are ways most people can do it! You're never going to forget the child you place and it CAN be painful forever.

[Volfe]

I would like to stress that it is not all sunshine and roses, as portrayed in a lot of media and in some agency projections (including the ads that surround this page).

The fact is that it is a gamble that you will feel happy and content, and the risk is that you will feel devestated. We all feel differently after placing. I have felt both, the joy and contentedness, and the utter loss leftover from the liars.

I would really like to shoot down the happiness myth, for when its not the reality, youre still stuck with it.

Maia

[79nic]

I'd tell her to do what SHE WANTS TO DO, not what she thinks is "best" for the baby. I'd tell her that if even a tiny part of her wants to parent, that's what she should do. I'd tell her that if she can provide the basics--a home, food, and love--then she CAN parent, no matter how young she is, what her education level, how she got pregnant, or what her parents think.

I'd also tell her to find a GOOD counselor--one not affiliated with any adoption agencies--and start getting counseling immediately.

[Kindreds]

I would tell her that there will be those that will tell her that something good can come out of her predicament - that she can be responsible for curing the pain of infertility for a wonderful couple. They will try to brainwash her that she can fully "pay off" her sins by giving the gift of parenthood to someone else that is more deserving. She will be told they are more deserving of her baby because they are married and they planned for a baby. She will be told that since she did not plan for this baby - it really isn't hers and that it belongs to someone else - Christian groups will even tell her that God intentially planned for this to happen as he saw her errant ways and he is using her womb to create a baby for someone else. Hogwash - I would tell her to run for the hills and don't look back. I would tell her to be wary of those who say they want to help her but what they really want to do is to help themselves to her child fresh from her womb - they care nothing for her no matter what they tell her. She needs to be selfish -if she "selfishly" wants her baby - that is the best thing in the world for her and her baby