[Tigger27]

Warning: Long information post about a book on Grief I'm starting to try to write/put together.

Okay,well, I guess this is a good a place as any on the boards to post this so here goes.
For those of you who have been following the Grief thread in the Healing forum (subforum), you've read some of my posts of poems and thoughts on Grief with that discussion going on over there in that thread. So, you may or may not have read that I was thinking about writing a book about Grief that had to deal with more specifically birthparent grief/adoption grief because no one's really written a book about that and I think it could be a good thing to do to help others in writing this book.

So, I've started talking more about it to my counselors and others for ideas of where to go with it and where to start and decided to come post a type of questionaire for you to answer.

I'm thinking of putting together thoughts, experiences and advice of others as well as my own in a book about grief with adoption and leaning more toward birthparent grief since I am a birthmother and have a little more life experience in that area.

Anyway, I am welcome to any and all input in response to the questions, I will post below for you to answer. If you are okay with me using what you say in the book then please let me know it's okay. If you don't want your real name used then tell me and I will put a different name to protect your confidentiality and privacy.

Also, if you don't wish to post your answers and thoughts to these questions on here then just write/type up your responses and e-mail them to me at
allieandanna@hotmail.com.

Questionaire

1) Where are you at post placement? As in how far out, 1 month, 2 months, 20 years, etc.

2) In around 2-4 pages describe your grief, as it is now and as it was in the beginning, in general?

3) Was/Is your adoption open, closed or semi-open? How do you think that influenced your grief?

4) How have you dealt with your grief so far? What have been the most effective ways you have found to deal with your grief thus bringing you healing?

5) What are some myths that you may have had to dispel or deal with before you could really grieve? Or perhaps myths that you had a hard time with?

6) What questions do you have about Grief post placement? (I intend on giving a questionaire to counselors to get their perspective and input on this birthparent/adoption grief as well. I am planning on asking the counselors/professionals for input on your questions about grief to put in the book as well.)

7) What do you wish you'd known about grief that you know now?

8) What advice or pointers would you give those who are dealing with grief or going to be dealing with grief post placement?

9) What do you think others (the world) should know about a birthparent's grief?

I apologize if some of the questions seem long or redundant. I just want to make sure I cover certain areas of this topic in writing this book.

Also if you have any recommendations for something you think would be good to include in the book then please let me know. I am open to new ideas and suggestions as I am just starting this process of putting this book together and seeing how it evolves and what the best, most effective approach is to take. I want to help others and give birthparents especially a book on grief that is specifically for them, to help them, give them ideas and/or comfort so that they can know it is normal and alright to feel and go through the things they do with grief post placement.

I am also putting this together and writing this book in hopes of it being another good resource for knowledge for just general people in the world. I think everyone should know and be able to read in a book about what we, as birthparents, experience in grief with adoption post placement. I think there needs to be more recognition in connection to the birthparent grief as well as other things so I am hoping to be a voice for birthparents when putting together this book on grief.

Any and all input from all of you would be very helpful for me with this book idea and I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you for your time and input.

Anne

[Montraviatommyg]

Anne,

Will definitely respond to this so will give the questions much thought over the next couple of days then I'll respond.

Philippa

[Tigger27]

Thanks, Philippa.

I look forward to your thoughts and input on this.

Anne

[kelly1244]

woot, hello

alrighty... i'm gonna do this, it just might take me a bit... but i'll get there


kelly

[Tigger27]

Thank you, Kelly, I look forward to your input as well.

And don't worry about rushing to get me the answers to these questions, I don't have a deadline, I realize this will take time to do.

Also, you don't have to write any certain amount of response, just however long within a reasonable length you feel explains your answers the best.

Anne

[Montraviatommyg]

Anne,

Got a headache now - sent you my answers in an email, hope my response helps and good luck with the book.

Philippa

[cricket8664]

I gave a baby girl up for adoption 19 years ago. I was just reunited with her a couple of months ago. I received a call from the adoption agency tellling me my daughter was trying to find me. I have prayed for this day for years and years. It was a shock of course to get the call, and it has certainly changed my life in ways I NEVER expected.
I have been in contact now with my daughter for 3 months. I have visited her at the college she is attending twice, we have talked on the phone a few times, and correspond through email and IM. It is harder than I ever imagined. I want it all with her, love, friendship, etc. etc. and have a hard time holding back as not to smother her and push her away. I think she wanted to find me to satisfy her curiosity, "who do I look like, what have I inherited medically from my birth mother?" etc. I have welcomed her into my family with open arms and embraced her and her adoptive parents. Yet, I seem to be struggling with emotional pain of not having been the one in all the photos I have seen of her all the years she was growing up. I long to be the one she calls when she is hurting... I long to be the one she calls when she is excited about something. I guess I am longing for everything that I gave up and can never get those things back no matter how long our relationship lasts over the next however many years. I miss her. I love her. I want her in my life always, and every minute of every day. My heart is breaking - again - as it did when I gave her up 19 years ago.

[Tigger27]

Thanks, Cricket and everyone who's taking the time to send me responses and their input for this birthparent grief book.

God Bless.

Anne

[tjqarnold]

First of all, your idea about a book is wonderful. I am contributing to a new book by Kasey Hamner, a well known adoption author. She sends out an Email roughly once a month and that gives us the ability to answer some very difficult questions privately.

Questionaire

1) Where are you at post placement? As in how far out, 1 month, 2 months, 20 years, etc.
I relinquished 23 years ago.

2) In around 2-4 pages describe your grief, as it is now and as it was in the beginning, in general?
I had never been so very alone in my life. I left the hospital, crying hysterically in a cab, without my daughter. I self-destructed because of the grief. I began drinking heavily although I was spared the throes of addiction. The entire birth month was a living nightmare. I constantly searched crowds for her face, wondered if she was ok, thought of her constantly. I was then told I couldn't have more children (which wound up not being true) and thought God was punishing me for what I had done. Although I am reunited, the first year brought back alot of memories that I had buried deep inside for self-preservation. I now dream about having to sleep in a park for 2 nites, dream of my parents insisting on an abortion and how they sued my now hubby for statutory rape. I so bonded with her before she was born and I never really recovered from my grief. Our son didn't "replace" that hole in my heart.

3) Was/Is your adoption open, closed or semi-open? How do you think that influenced your grief?
It was semi-open and the pictures killed me. I so wanted to be that "mom" in the background taking them. I eventually asked them to stop sending them due to the guilt and pain they caused.

4) How have you dealt with your grief so far? What have been the most effective ways you have found to deal with your grief thus bringing you healing?
The best thing I've done is come here and openly discuss it on chat or in forums. I had 1 yr of therapy that didn't accomplish anything close to what I've done here.

5) What are some myths that you may have had to dispel or deal with before you could really grieve? Or perhaps myths that you had a hard time with?
I believed she would be "better off with someone who could give her more than I could". I've since realized that wealth doesn't replace the primal bond.

6) What questions do you have about Grief post placement? (I intend on giving a questionaire to counselors to get their perspective and input on this birthparent/adoption grief as well. I am planning on asking the counselors/professionals for input on your questions about grief to put in the book as well.)

7) What do you wish you'd known about grief that you know now?
I was told at such a young age that I would "get on with my life" and "forget". I so wish I would've known that you can't simply walk away from a baby you've nurtured in-utero for 9 months.

8) What advice or pointers would you give those who are dealing with grief or going to be dealing with grief post placement?
I adviced my sister to either keep her child or have an abortion instead of considering adoption. I didnt want her to go thru what I had been dealing with for years. Times have changed and single-parent homes are no longer frowned upon or unheard of.
9) What do you think others (the world) should know about a birthparent's grief?
I think they need to know that we never forget and that we dont take our decision lightly. It is only after many sleepless nites and prayer that I was able to make my choice.
"Dreams come true. Without that possiblity, nature would not incite us to have them"

[haddixbardi]

It's funnythat this should come up today. My bdaughter is having her 34th birthday today.
I was sixteen and engaged when I found out I was pregnant. My husband to be was fifteen years older than me. When I Made the announcement that I was pregnant, his response was more than statleing. He said that I couldn't be because, like he had always told me, he was sterile from working with radiation while in the service. Of course I knew better. He was the only man I had been with. After finally giving in to seeing a doctor and finding out that he was not sterile, he chose to have a visectamy. He said that he hated babies and never wanted to have any. He gave me the choice of keeping the baby and not having him or giving the baby up and keeping him. I was young, stupid and only a few weeks pregnant and was so in love (I thought). We married just two weeks later. From that day on, I always felt that by the time the baby was born, he would change his mind. He would have to, it was his own flesh and blood.
As the months went by, I began to realize that I was carrying a life inside of me. When the kicking and movements started that were visible, I would beg my husband to watch and to put his hand on my stomach. No, he wouldn't have any part of it. Still I just knew that he would change his mind.
It was so lonely going through it all alone. Even my mother said that I should do as he wishes and give the baby up. I never had any kind of support. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone that I was giving the baby up for adoption. I was to wait until after she was born, and tell people that I gave birth to a still born.
May 10, 1971 arrived and I delivered a baby girl. I was so scared (never being told what to expect) and so exhausted and knowing what I was going to have to do that I can remember asking God to just take me because I couldn't do it. I remember seeing that bright light that people talk about and feeling so at peace. Suddenly I heard the cry of a baby and I fought to come back. I wanted to see her. I tryed so hard to pull myself up as they were placing her in the bassinet but I couldn't see and I finally fell back and went to sleep. In the morning I called my husband, just knowing that he had changed his mind, and asked him if we had a boy or a girl. He said that he didn't know. That hurt and I knew then that there wasn't a chance. I then spoke to my mother and she told me that it was a girl. My heart was aching.
The next day, I decided that I was going to the nursery to see her, only to be stopped by a nurse in the hall that said I wasn't allowed. (I learned later that the doctor had read her the riot act for stopping me). I never did get to see her. I did ask the Childrens Home Society if I could get some ppictures from them and they said that they would send them.
It was only a few days after being released from the hospital that I had to go before the judge to sign papers. I was in such a cloud. This wasn't happening. When we went to leave the courthouse, I turned facing the building and cried saying, "I can't even go back in there and tell them I've changed my mind." No one ever told me any different either.
A month went by and the pictures never arrived. My husband got to them before I did and burned them. I had to learn that from my mother. She had known for two weeks.
There were a lot of other ugly things he did at that time but they aren't important now.
Four years ago, the C.H.S. did a search to find my bdaughter. They did locate her only to learn that she wasn't ready at that time for a reunion. The news was so devistating. I felt as though they were telling me that one of my children had died.
I have finally been able to give it all up to God. I know that if her and I shoould ever meet that it will be in his time. It took me nearly 34 years to get to this point but I know in my heart that it's the right place to be. Yes, I will always wonder and I will always love her. Somehow, I know that she knows I do.
I just want to say, God Bless all of you birthmothers out there. Pray about it!
P.S. My mother told me some time later, that the doctor came out from delivery, and told her that they almost lost me.

[Tigger27]

Thanks so much for sharing your input on grief with me, Barbara . I appreciate your willingness to share your experience with me in helping me to gather info for this book.

Anne

[Olvia]

Hello there Anne, My name is Olvia I am a recent birthmother of a beautiful little girl whom i named HOPE GARCIA. I gave birth to here on February 10th 2005. I am going to try to answer your questionier. I cant exactly say how long it is going to take being that i just placed and it might bring back hard things to remember. All though i think what you are doing is awesome. It was about time that someone came up with something that was based on us birthmothers. For some reason the people in this world think that we do not grieve but they are wrong this type of grieve in my eyes is the hardest. Because or child is out there somewhere and we are not apart of them anymore regardless of the reasons we placed them it does not mean that we did not love them. I love my daughter more than life itself and each and every day gets hard and hard because it is another day that i am without her. But i placed her beacause i loved her and she deserved better.

[lisaann57]

Hi,

My name is Lisa and I relinquished 2 children, and I am in reunion with 1. I will answer your questions, but I want to take a day or 2 to gather my thoughts, where they make sense. I think the idea is a great one. You will be hearing from me in a day or 2.

Lisa

[makhaze]

Hi - my name is Paula and I will be answering your questionnaire, probably mostly by e-mail. I can tell you that I just recently found my bdaughter, now twenty years old and the grief is more real now than it has ever been.

I haven't got to meet her yet, but my husband and I met the adfather yesterday and he gave us a video they made with snapshots of her life. When we watched the tape, we just held each other and sobbed. I can't describe how deep the sobbing was. I don't know if we were grieving or healing.

[FauxClaud]

Oh, I just saw this!
I will definatly be intersted in participating.
And now I can find it as soon as I have time1