[kitkat582497]

We justed had a meeting with the Aparnets... They told us they don't want to give us the amout of time we talked about form the 1st time we meet with them... We told them up fornt that we wanted to see out baby for 2 years at lest and we wanted more sooo to me that was the lested we would setle for they KNEW this up fornt it was not hiden form them... We are aweek away form our due date We love this family and they have and can give her everything We Can and we want get too have... The mom told us she don't know IF she can go pasted the 1st 3 months I don't know IF I can just have that... I know its more then what they want tooo give... And I justed feel like theres something worng with us... The bdad wants too stick with them... They are great and I like them alot BUT I don't know what to do about this... We're close BUT I have this BAD feeling that we wont get pics BUT once in a while... and thats not what I want... I want someone who will let us be apart Of there and her life... the only thing is up here they don't like openess and I don't understand I don't want my baby in a foster home sooo I have tell tues to make up my mind soo we can have time to find a famliy I may have to bring her home for a bet... witch will Give her daddy the much earned time with her... THANK GOD FOR him I don't know what I would do... It piss me off we were clear and I don't understand how we could have been more clear with them about this... There has been many stadys done that say its good for a child to stay in contact with there bfamliy... I tryed not to cry about this BUT the way it was done it was like we had done something worng... it was done totlly worng and our Bconlure didn't even give us a heads us about this... And I talked to her today about the meeting she said it was normal and we were justed going over they hosptal plain... What I don't understand is why the aparnts could have justed come to us about this... We have don't must if this on our owen and it makes me mad at them that they couldn't have said something too US 2 months ago...
Kathy and Josh

[BellaNel]

Kathy,

I am having the same fears!! I don't know what to do either, but I hopefully have a bit more time than you as my due date isn't until May 7th.

The only thing I can tell you is that I am starting to question whether or not I can do it because I'm afraid they won't let me into my daughter's life. I'm not questioning whether or not I can do it because of who they are though. When it comes down to it, I have to remember why I made the choice to place her for adoption- doing the best thing for her.

I really think it's the best thing for her to know me too, and it's definately the best thing for me too.

Are you working with an agency? I would strongly suggest bringing up your concerns with them if you are. If you aren't strong enough to do it yourself (which I'm not!) maybe Josh can do it for you- I'm sure he knows how important this issue is to you.

Also, look into your state laws- in 18 states you can develop a legally binding contact agreement. I'm having an adoption attorney draft one for us- and at no cost to us either.

No matter what, be sure to make your concerns about contact clear BEFORE you sign anything. I know it's hard to stick up for yourself, and you feel like your imposing or doing something wrong asking for time, but you'll seriously regret it if you don't.

You have every right to be the one who decides what kind of contact to arrange- at this point, YOU are the parent, not them. Until you sign the papers, until the child is born, the ball is in your court. That kind of sucks for adoptive parents, but it's the only thing we have going for us birthparents. Remind yourself that it's only because of you that they will even be parents of this child- and if need be, remind them of that too. They should be respectful, and not go back on their word.

Best of luck, please let me know how it turns out. If you need any help, PM me.

[donnaparadise]

Oh, Kathy! I'm so sorry that this is going on. It is obvious these people cannot be trusted and it is a sure thing that once they have your baby, they will change the rules again and you may never see her.

It is alright for the bdad; he doesn't have the burden of having carried the baby within himself for so many months to have her taken from you and never be sure if you will ever see it again.

You mention you might have to take the baby home with you for a while. Perhaps that is best. Then you can always find other parents for her. There are lots of parents around.

You will have a tough time of it and it seems that you are pretty well alone here.

Decide what you want for yourself and forget about the pressure you will surely get. Stick to your guns.

This is absolutely horrible! I cannot believe these people would be so cruel to wait until the last minute. They probably did not tell you earlier because they didn't want to give you a chance to change your mind.

Well, Kathy, I don't know you and I cannot tell you what to do, for sure. However, it is obvious you are being manipulated here and the consequences for you will be terrible, I believe.

Decide for yourself and your little one and do what you need to do for yourself.

I hate that these people are being so mean and forcing you to accept something you never wanted at any time. Fool the hell out of them and change your mind.

If it were me, even if they promised on a stack of bibles that I could see her after she was born, I would not believe them now. They have broken the contract even before the child is born; they won't have any problem breaking their word after and you are the one that is going to suffer as well as you baby, in the end.

It is hard enough to do this without this kind of thing going on.

My heart breaks for you and I wish I could give you a hug. I'm so sad for you.

Donna

[momofmykids]

Kathy,
I'd think long and hard before placing my baby with this family. YOU are in control here...this is YOUR baby and you should do what you feel is best. There ARE families out there who are ready and willing to have wide open adoptions like you are talking about. This family is throwing up tons of red flags! I'd never EVER even think about treating the bmom of my children this way. She's given me something that I couldn't do for myself (until my miracle baby came along) and I will forever be grateful to her.

Praying for your decision...
~J~

[ellemeth]

If the baby is not born yet, you still have time to find other aparents. The ones you've been talking to don't sound like they will keep up their end of the bargain. I believe that the conventional wisdom is that it is best to match with paparents who want a little more contact than you think you will want.

With the first baby I placed, I didn't pick the aparents until a week before my due date and then I delivered 4 days early. And when I delivered my third (2nd placed) there was a girl in the locked hallway with me who was sorting through profiles. As long as they don't mind the short wait (and most I've spoken to seem to prefer to match with pbmom's closer to the due date) things should be fine with choosing another set of aparents. They really don't need that much to start them off, an infant car seat, bassinette, diapers, a few outfits, formula and bottles.

Do what you feel is best but don't let them push you around. this is the only time you will have any power in teh relationship and if they are refusing your prefered amount of contact now, what will they do when the papers are signed? I suspect that they will change thei minds again and decide they can't deal with any contact.

[Big Dreamer]

Hi Kathy,

I am sooo sorry that this is happening to you.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

I too am concerned about this family I really believe they will promise you the world and will break every promise once they have your little girl.

Since your boyfriends family was involved with this match I really think that you will be the one with so much to loose if you place with them.

This is your decision if you don’t feel comfortable with them take your time finding another family that will give you what you want.

There is nothing wrong with you taking your daughter home with you. If you find that you just can’t take care of her then start looking for another family.

I would I hate to hear how your heart was broken by these people.

By the way IT IS NOT NORMAL for an Adoptiove family to make promise and then change their mind.

I really think that your Social Worker is playing you. Sounds like she will say anything to get you to sign the dotted line.

It also sounds like she does not have your interest at heart if she did she would be working with that family to help you get your needs met or she should be helping you find a family that will agree to the amount of Openess you want.

As you know my realtionship with H is so Open two weeks ago her and her family threw Star a Birthday party.

I wanted more openness then H did and she is soooo glad that we wanted to be as open as we are. She sees Star around 5 or 6 times a year, we e-mail, send pictures etc and we have a web site also.

YOU DESERVE TO HAVE THE TYPE OF REALTIONSHIP THAT YOU WANT!

If you still have my e-mail drop me a note if not send me a PM.

I am here for you any time.

Hugs,
Maria

[BrandyHagz]

Kathy,

If you have ANY reservations about the match, act on them now while you are in control. If the prospective adoptive parents are telling you right now that they cant honor their original agreement, do you think they will have any problem telling you post placement that they cant adhere to the new agreement? Most likely not.

To me, this sends up HUGE red flags…HUGE.

It sounds like they were saying whatever they thought you wanted to hear initially, then they got to know you…and once they felt comfortable that you were connected to them, they changed the rules, thinking that you would be ok because you’d gotten to know them.

There are couples out there who are willing to have as much (and more) contact than what you are requesting, those couples could most likely give your child the kind of home you are hoping for, because those couples aren’t making the decision for visits/openness based on how they feel, but on how the relationship will affect their child….which is not what I’m reading in your post regarding your current match.

The ball is very much in your court…do not move forward with someone who is already changing the rules…what will keep them from changing them again in the future?

Protect yourself and your unborn child…stand up for what you want regarding openness and do not let any social worker double talk you into moving forward in a situation where you don’t feel 110% comfortable.

Open Adoptions are NOT legally binding in most states…you will have no recourse if they decide to close the adoption completely after placement/finalization…you have to be able to trust the people who are making this verbal agreement with you…

If you don’t want the baby going to foster care, take him/her home with you…do ANYTHING…but do not consent to a match where the terms aren’t 110% agreeable between parties! There are resources out there for you if you need help…

Remember, YOU are in control…not the social workers and not the adoptive parents…take charge of this situation now…and be weary of any 11th hour agreements to openness coming from this couple…it could be that once they find that the match is failing, they will possibly say what they think you want to hear in order for you to move forward, again, that’s a HUGE red flag.

From where I’m sitting, it sounds like you need to page your social worker TOMORROW and demand additional profiles to view…this just doesn’t seem like a suitable match.

Good luck…and feel free to PM me or email me thru my profile if you want to talk…I cant believe these people are doing this at the 11th hour…

[wanttobeparents]

I agree with the others. This is the wrong match for you.

We wanted a fully open adoption with visits, the birthmom wanted no contact. Two weeks after she gave birth, she realized that she DID want contact. What if she had chosen a couple that wanted no contact? We were thrilled when she decided that she wanted to open the adoption up.

The couple you have chosen may change their minds about contact, but it's unlikely to be closer to what you want. Find a couple that thinks more about what the child needs than about how comfortable THEY are with visits. There are couples out there that want this.

Don't worry about being so close to your due date. Take the baby home with you if you need to. It's going to be the only time that you are in charge of what you want for your child. We only had a few days notice that our first child was coming home and got ready without a problem.

Peggy

[Big Dreamer]

Kathy,

I am sure that you are stressing about taking the baby home. You won't need much the hospital can give you some diapers and a few t-shirts/Onsies.

You can nurse the baby or the hospital can give you some formula and a blanket or two. In some states they also give out car seats.

You can pad a laundry basket with a sheet or a blanket it will be a nice cozy place for the baby to sleep just be sure to ALWAYS KEEP THE BABY ON HER BACK.

If you decide to parent you can go to a Women Infant Children (WIC) program and get formula and other things.
Many churches have resale shops who will give you clothes if you need them for you or the baby.

I really don't want your heart broken...I care about you...I know Josh is doing his best and is out of work right now but you can get through it.

Find another agency, find a family who wants an OPEN ADOPTION look on Parent Profiles for a family in your home state who wants an Open Adoption.

You deserve to be HAPPY,

Hugs,

Maria

[Jennifer]

As an adoptive mom to a 17 mos old son I would not be able to live with myself IF I ever stopped sending our sons bmom his pics (I always get doubles made and give her the other set) nor would I ever dream of hurting her this way or any other way. It is appalling to me no matter how many times I hear comments like yours about aparents breaking their promises to a birth family. We have an open adoption and I have never had a problem packing up my SUV and driving 7+ hours for a visit.

Plesae follow your hearts and your instincts, there is still time to work things out, I am not saying to find another couple....... but you need to get this resolved NOW ... not after. I hear alot about how once papers are signed and adoptions are final the aparents more or less change things...... this gives all the rest of us who take pride in our promises and commitments that we make a bad name.

If the aparents you all have chosen are reading these forums ...... PLEASE think about the promises you have ALREADY made and the commitments that are already in place. These birthparents and so many others deserve that much .... if not more, for the sacrifices they are making out of the love they all have for their children to make the dreams they have for them come true by placing them in our loving and trusting arms.

Sorry but it gets to me when I hear or read things like this.

Please keep us posted and you will all be in my thoughts and prayers

Jen
amom to Jamie
Born 11/5/03
Finalized 12/17/04

You did not grow under my heart but in it!!

[kitkat582497]

Its the the counler that we're mad at mosted of all... She talked to us 3 time this week and never said a word about what was really going to happen... I want more then just a few months Josh says he can live with a few months as long as we can get pics and vido every month for the 1st year I would be ok with that IF I thought I could trusted them... Thats whats gone now they knew what was going to happien we walked in and got sat donw and talked to like to little kids... I wasn't asken to see her everyday just 1 time a month tell she is 6 months old and every other month after that 3 hours whats that 24 hours in her 1st 2 years of like I don't see how setting down with someone and talking and show us pics and things can be that hard that way we know how shes really doing sooo we can see that shes talk and IF she having problem my Big this is what happen when her Big brother turns 18 she'll be 12 what IF she wants too meet us well they lie and tell her that we are not well and then what well happen when she 18 will they be honsted with her about us wanting too see her more then they would let us... I don't know what to do we have somethings to take care of her... and I know how too and I just don't know what to do the counlers are not very helpful and Its not a good thing... Its hard to talk to Josh about this he thinks there just right I know that its my chose BUT we started this together and I don't want him to feel like I don't care about what he think couse I do and hes been great...
Kathy

[BrandyHagz]

Kathy,

You have to do what’s best for you…is it fair that you have to sacrifice significantly because of how Josh feels? It sounds like you are willing to sacrifice your desires to accommodate him…but have you asked him if he is willing to do the same?

There has to be a happy medium.

I have real issues with this family changing the rules before the games even started…it sounds like you do to…GO WITH YOUR GUT!

There is no reason why you both cant have what you want…there are plenty of couples out there willing to give you what you want, relationship wise…and I honestly think, given the chance, Josh would realize that seeking these families out is the best for all four of you…

Good luck with whatever you decide to do…

[donnaparadise]

Kathy, sweetie. I'm so sorry this is going on and thing are changing so fast. Please, do not be pressured into giving your little girl up forever. Because it sounds like this is what is going to happen. You cannot trust the counsellor nor the parents who want to adopt.


Josh may be good and all that and I'm sure you love him, however Josh will not be the one who goes through the ache that will be in your heart forever if you give your little one up and never see her again.

These people cannot be trusted. Plain and simple. Be strong. Think of yourself. Think of your little one. Think of what is best for you, as has been told to you by others.

There are things you can do. If you have to, talk to the police or someone else in authority - your doctor, maybe. Tell them you have changed your mind and cut off all communication and don't let them railroad you into doing something you don't want to do.

Even when we make the choice because it is for the best of everyone concerned, we are left with so much sadness, grieving, unresolved feelings. To have her taken from you and never be able to see or hear from her again, would not be fixed by Josh being a good guy. A man is there for you, possibly. However, your daughter is a forever thing.

I'm hoping others on this forum can advise you as to practical steps you can take now to protect yourself or have someone come and help you out in this.

Don't be shy. Speak up. Tell them you have changed your mind. Don't give in. Take care of YOURSELF, sweetie and you little one.

my prayers are with and you and I send you warmest of hugs,
Donna

[billysmommy]

I agree with everyone else. The good thing is, this has happened BEFORE you placed your baby with this family. I think the wisest thing to do is trust your instinct. There is a family out there that wants the same openness as you - you just have to find them. Have you thought about looking at families that are already involved in open adoptions?
You seem to like them , and this doesn't mean they are bad people. For whatever reason ( and it doesn't really matter the reason), they don't feel comfortable with what they thought they would. Of course, it's bad timing, but it could be much worse. There are too, too many stories of women (and men) who were promised openness and then shut out completely after the baby is born.

[Big Dreamer]

Hi Kathy,

I know how much you love Josh and I know how much you respect his parents for finding this family for you.

In the end you will be the one left with the heartache if the Adoptive Family cuts you out. Josh and his family are friends with these people so they have nothing to loose.

YOU HAVE SOOO MUCH PAIN NOW, IMAGINE HOW HARD IT WILL BE WHEN SHE GETS HERE AND THEY DECIDE NOT TO LET YOU SEE HER.

YOU deserve more than a few hours in the first two years. H spends 3-6 hours per visit and we have lots of visits, phone calls etc

What is this family afraid of?

If they really wanted an OPEN ADOPTION they wouldn't change the agreement. Even if they say OK...we will do it your way I can guarantee as sure as I am sitting here that as soon as the adoption is final or your rights fully terminated they will cut you out of her life.

As I have said to you many times before follow your heart...once you sign over your rights it is FOREVER and they can decide when or if you see your little girl.

I know that Josh is a great guy and he has been with you for a long time and you guys are planning to go to school in the fall. Having plans for a future is great!

If you are depressed because you are thinking and worrying about the baby you may not be able to function in school. That depression is what causes birth moms to do say or do things they would never do.

Then your mom will be saying " I told you so" for the rest of your life...

These folks have already deceived you once what will they say or do to your daughter?

That baby deserves to know that you and Josh love her she deserves to have a relationship with the two of you and you all deserve to have pictures and be in each others lives. That was the whole reason you wanted an Open Adoption.

If you can’t be this little ones full time Momma then just remember that this baby (YOUR BABY) is counting on you to find the family who will allow you to have a relationship with her and the Adoptive Family that you choose for her.

The truth NEVER hurt anyone it is ALWAYS THE LIES AND DECEPTION that creates the havoc.

Those of us on the Forum can see things real clear, we have nothing to loose or gain from your situation which is why we are so honest with you.

That counselor is NOT on your side…that family is not on your side…

I know that right now your head is spinning and everything seems crazy you WILL BE OK…

I want you to be ok and I want you to be safe...follow your heart...your gut has been talking to you for a long time....

I sent you a PM.

We are here for you...

Hang in there,
Maria