[donnaparadise]

It has been suggested I post my story as a new thread instead as a post on an existing thread, so here I am. This is my first time so am not sure if I am navigating properly or not.

I would be very interested in feedback from both birthmothers as well as adoptees or frankly, anyone else that can possiby give me some insight.

Perhaps you'd just like to tell me I'm in the wrong site! lol

Here is a drastically abridged version of my story at this point in time.

In 1998, at the urging of my best friend, I posted my birth daughter's name and particulars on an online Adoption Registry and other than once in a while, going back to check it was still there, or change my address on the Profile, I more or less forgot about having done it.


My life has taken a few bad twists and turns and challenges of late and late last year, I contacted the Children's Aid Society that I dealt with almost 40 years ago, to see if there was any information that could be makde available to me.

I was informed that the 'rules' had changed considerably and I was entitled to non-identifying information and the Worker told me she would send it to me, which she did early this year.

As you would expect, there was not a lot in the report however, I got some insight into the kind of home she was placed in and it seemed stable, with parents who would provide her with what she needed.

Last month, shortly after my own birthday, I got a call from the Registry Angel. We chatted for a while and she asked me my feelings about re-connection, etc.

Finally, she told me she had received an email from my first and only daughter and child. She warned me it was not that great but asked if I wanted to hear it. I agreed.

My bdaughter identified herself, not by name but by circumstance. She said she was well and happy and had 2 great parents but did not want anything to do with me.

I was fine with the 2nd part, however I realized that the information she had regarding the circumstances of her surrender were wrong. She believed I gave her up after having had custody of her for a year and the reason was because my mother did not approve of her.

I saw her for 3 days in the hospital and once when I had to go to court as custody was being taken away from me, although in those days, they called it Relinquishment. There was no surrender. The judge decided that enough time had passed and I was not fit to take care of her and that she was being declared a ward of the Court.

My daughter sent an email the next day saying that I could forward medical information, given I 'owed her that much'.

I took the opportunity to write her and fill her in on all medical and health information I could about both sides of her birth family and then spoke of the circumstances I was in before her birth, around her birth, after her birth, during the Relinquishment and what happened to me after.

She has returned an email to the Angel, more or less suggesting I am playing games as the information she has was based on a reliable source.

She says she is happy and her REAL PARENTS were great and she does not want a reunion. But something is amiss.

It seems that she has searched going back almost 10 years now. Facts she divulged in later emails to the Angel. She contacted the government agencies at least twice. She searched online and found the Registry. She then took the time to send 2 emails to the Registry Angel. She read my letter and responded. But, she says she wants nothing to do with me.

She states that my guilt is not her responsibility. She says she is identifying herself so that I can feel better that she is well and happy and wants to be fair.

I am in the process of trying to get clarification as to what was told her so many years ago and the Society is investigating for me. My intent is that once I receive it, depending on what it says, I will forward it to the Angel, to send along to her. That is all I can do.

I never pushed for a reunion at any time. I placed her name on the Registry in case she wanted to contact me and I did not feel it within my right to deny her contact should she wish it.

I am ambivalent about contact. I do not want to open up a can of worms, especially with someone who is, in my opinion, very resentful and angry. Certainly, now would not be a good time to do it and would be better if things cooled down a little, I think.

I feel so sad that she is so angry. I admitedly, don't understand it a lot. I understand she would be upset if she thought I had her for some time and gave her up when she was older, however in this day and age, don't adoptees in general realize that certainly in the 60s, the world was a very different place and the basis for decisions that we as first mothers took, were not what they are today.

I don't expect anything from her. I am grateful she was in a loving family and I am grateful she is well, happy and has children of her own right now.

I have never considered giving birth as a license to exact any consideration or rights or even hope of any reunion. The day I left court was the day I knew that my secret would be with me forever.

Little did I know how much my behaviour and foolishness and the results, haunt me for the rest of my life, permeate my every emotion, effect every decision, and never allow me any peace.

Relationships with my family, with men, with children were forever tarnished. I understand her feelings of abandonment for I too, have suffered from heart-breaking feelings of abandonment my whole life.

I had no more children. I never wanted any. I never felt I deserved any, really. Somewhere out there was a part of me that I take care of. There was to be no more errors of judgment on my part.

I did not even understand until recently, how much grief I have been carrying around. I thought I had put it past me and moved on, the best I knew how.

This connection has brought it all back. How I felt unloved and unloveable myself. How I looked for love in all the wrong places and the disastrous effects of my need.

There is so much more, but it is not my intent to write a book here, so I will move on to my question.

Is there any advice as to what would be some best approaches, other than what I have said I am in the process of doing? What now? So I just let it go?

How do I deal with the fact that she is so angry? Is the general experience that in time, perhaps she will be able to accept that there was an error and perceive things differently? No one knows her or I but I am open to any insights that anyone might be willing to share.

Thank you
Donna

[Jackiejdajda]

Hello Donna..

You got everything right and started a thread in a good place.. I hope you get some input from adoptee's.. I will be interested in their replies..

Jackie

[donnaparadise]

Thank you so much for your help. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous posting this story in case she falls upon it. Oh well, just have to leave it up to the Powers that be. thanks again.
Donna

[Marciah]

Ouch!

You are not alone. I completely understand. I am so scared for the exact same reason. They are told by complete strangers "their assumptions" of us.

I feel I was lied to about just about everything and am scared to death about how she perceives me. All I ever wanted was for her to be loved, and for understanding on all parties about where I was coming from. Bottom line I feel like I was "fooled". Jese. The weird part is I got my act together because I wanted to be a good "role model" if she ever found me. She is 19 now and there are no signs.

She knows where I am, and I think that is what is freaking me out. That is bull*** to lie to our children about who we are/were. It is all we have.

I don't know what else to say. I do understand!

[donnaparadise]

Thank you Marciah

It is truly a nightmare, isn't it? I believed when I surrendered her that this was a good thing and that she would be loved and cared for and be happy - certainly happier than if she was with me. And here it is, 38 years later and I find out that for at least 10 years, she has resented me. Exactly what I feared would happen!

There is not much other than try to get the right information, that I can do about it. Once I get the info from the Social Worker, I will pass it on to her and try to just let it go.

It will be in her court then. There is not much else one can do and I can't beat myself up for something that happened and I had no control over.

I'm so sorry you have had a similar experience. It sounds like it was the aparents that told her something that was not correct. In my case, my bdaughter says it was the Agency that gave her her information. At least I have an opportunity to clear it up.

I'm so sorry for your double loss.

[evildishrag]

Hi Donna.

Boy that sucks. What's worse is even if/when she gets the facts in front of her, she sounds as though she'll be too stubborn and set in her mind to see them.

I sincerely hope she eventually opens up her eyes to the truth. She sounds messed up.

[BrandyHagz]

Donna,

I thought I’d share a tidbit of my story with you, because it sounds similar (sorta).

My birthmom placed me for adoption at birth, however the information surrounding how that placement took place is unknown to me, it really depends on who you listen to and what you read in my records, that are open.

My birthmom claims to have used my adoptive mom’s name in the hospital, and that no adoption took place…

My adoptive mom claims this is false.

My records indicate that my amom is right, after all, I do have my adoption records.

My birthmom claims that she wasn’t married when she gave birth to me.

My amom has no idea and doesn’t really care.

My records indicate a mans name as my birthfather, who she was married to at the time of my birth (a subsequent search revealed) but she swears she has no idea how anyone got his name.

My birthmom claims she had ANOTHER man (not birthdad, she never told him of me) sign a termination of rights (what? I thought there was no adoption?!) but this man’s name never appears in any of the records. I also tracked him down in 03, he has no idea what she is talking about.

I asked my birthmom for the truth in the summer of 2003, I explained to her that I had done a lot of research, I had a copy of my records and I had talked to several people…and her story and mine weren’t adding up. She got violently mad and demanded I never contact her again.

Around Christmas 04, I scanned my adoption information onto my PC, and emailed her the forms that list her husband as my birthfather…

I showed her the entry in the Texas Birth Index that shows her husband as the birthfather.

She just plain doesn’t care…she has her truth and she is going to allow reality to affect it.

I don’t know if confronting her with corroborating facts will do any good…but if you’re anything like me, you have to give it a try!

Anyway, I wish you luck…it’s a frustrating position to be in…to know the truth and not be able to do anything with it.

[donnaparadise]

Yes, I'm afraid you are right,
Evildishrag. She has had several years to ruminate on the wrong story and when she suggested "someone was playing games", after reading my version (true one) of the circumstances, I pretty well gave up hope that she would be open to more clarifying information.

I'll follow through but am bracing myself for I do not expect much good will come of it - at least not in the short term.

It is sad, as I said, because I was not the one pushing for a reunion but she stated right up front that she in no way was in the least bit interested in one. And yet, she is surfing sites to get information..... something of a contradiction that I'm sure she is not aware of herself.

Thanks for responding. It is appreciated.
Donna

[donnaparadise]

Wow! Brandy, that sounds like selective memory to me! I can well imagine someone tweaking the facts somewhat in some cases. We carry around so much shame with us and I can understand someone might want to re-create somewhat to not have the real truth come out.

However, in my case, she thought I had her for a year before giving her up and that I did because my mother did not approve.

The details are correct but not the facts. She was not actually put up for adoption for a year because she was born with a problem. I could not keep her because I had a terrible relationship with my mother and my mother did not know what had happened. I never told her because I knew it would be hell to pay.

Those 'facts' got twisted somehow and the results are that she thinks she was abandoned, obviously instead of the circumstances created the gaps.

I wrote her all the details but as I mentioned before, she suggests I am playing games because the info she got corroberates her 'story'.

It was such an abusive system back then and it did more damage than good in so many cases.

I'm told by the Angel that she matches on average 4 a day! She says she has only had to handle one other in almost 10 years that was this angry.

I feel so sad about it all. Obviously I can't change what happened but I wish I could take away her pain.

Thanks for your support Brandy. Good to hear of others here having gone through similar situations.

Donna

[nugget]

Donna,
I am an adoptee. I started searching for my first family the day that I turned 18. It was 14 years before I found my first mom and sister and my search continues for my first father as well as one more sibling.
Now then!! A few months ago I located a half brother. I did this with the help of many. I first found his birth father and contacted him for some help as well. In the end, I found my brother through his own search posting. It was an abrupt posting stating that "If you do not wish contact with me that is fine, that is how I would prefer it. But I do wnat my medical history". So, when I contacted him he kept going back and fourt as to what he wanted (2 days of emailing) and in the end decided he wnted nothing, not even the little bit of medical that I could give him.He asked me to never contact me again as he had a family and did not need any drama.
This was very hard for me to deal with. It still is at times. I can't say that I understand it however I have read here of other people with the same type of response.
IMO, your daughter has not fully dealt with the emotions of being an adoptee. I had not dealt with them either until this past year (and am still dealing OR avoiding them!!). As years went by in my search, I canged the dream out come to protect myself. I went from imagining she was a model (turns out she almost was) to the final years of my search thinking she was probably a drug addict hooker. Please know I did this in my head so that if she rejected me maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.
Anyway, IMO your daughter is not trying to find the true truths. She's taking the easy answers, the ones she's always been told. I wonder if she felt like you should have looked for her harder or sooner since you said you found out she had searched for you?
Hang in there, it really sounds like you do have a grasp of what's going on. And FYI, until I came here and started reading and not just searching, I had no idea how things were back when for my first mom. Knowing the times and the truth have truely been helpful for me.
Wendy

[donnaparadise]

Wendy, thank you so much for sharing your story with me and giving me more insights.

I find it so curious that a brother would search and then not want anything and say he did not want drama. Seems like such a strange contradiction all around.

I admit I can't for the life of me understand it either. Why go to the trouble of searching, finding and then rejecting in the end if he was 'happy'?

I think you may be correct in your assessment of what my daughter's train of thought might be.

As you are well aware, many of us first mothers don't feel we have any rights, at least I didn't. I did not think it was my place to search for her, however I did put the info on the Registry, in case she wanted to find me. I felt that I should not do anything to stop that, however did not feel it was my right to initiate it.

Notwithstanding the fact that in the time of her surrender, it was actually against the law to try! Even though the rules changed in recent years, one has a certain mindset for years and year and one convinces oneself that one must behave a certain way. Very hard to shift.

But perhaps she would have preferred I do more than just wait for her to find me. I'm not sure I will ever know as she is certainly not very forthcoming with any information, other than she is very happy, has a strong sense of who she is, has healthy self-esteem and her REAL PARENTS were/are wonderful.

You are just a little younger than my daughter so you were also caught in the middle of very hard times, which I'm sure you already know about from your research.

Good for you for getting to as much truth as you can and being open to the possibility that things may not be as they are conjured up in one's mind.

Everytime I think I know exactly how things have happened or are going to happen, I am almost always wrong. lol

Thanks again for your insightful support. It is truly helpful.

Donna

[Bmom to Joshua]

Donna:

While it does sound as if your daughter is very angry right now, I believe she may be more afraid and confused than anything and here are a couple of reasons why:

1. You stated that she had searched 10 years ago. Why would she search only to tell you that she wanted nothing to do with you?

2. If she doesn't want anything more than information that she feels "you owe her", why would she feel compelled to identify herself so you would know that she was ok?

I agree with you that there is definately something amiss. However, as hard as it may be to let her go once again, I think that is the best thing right now. You are doing your best to try to clear up her misgivings. If she continues to be angry then there is nothing more you can do. I would continue to leave the lines of communication open to her in hopes that she will someday be able to forgive but would not try to contact her again.

Now, I could be completely wrong in all respects but if she is just ANGRY then her anger, in my opinion, goes much deeper than just feeling abandoned or rejected by you.

Anyway, I seem to be rambling and probably not making much sense but I wish you the best of luck and think that you definately came to the right place for support.

Jamie

[donnaparadise]

Thank you so much for commiserating with me, Jamie.

She not only searched 10 years ago, but again 4 years later and finally, as far as I can make out just a month or so ago. Don't know what else she did in between but those are milestones she identified within her small rant.

She never identified herself to me but to the Registry Angel. I still am not sure who she is because her foster mother changed her first name so I have no way of identifying her myself. Which is fine. I'm not going to go there and assured her I wouldn't.

The Registry Angel emails me with her messages inside the body of the email and I respond to the Angel, who then sends on to my daughter.

I'm using every effort possible right now not to get into what-ifs, how-comes, etc. Not easy but there is not much I can do, other than pass on whatever information I can get from the Worker when I get it.

Thanks for your support. I have never had anyone to talk to about any of this in all these years. Now, it is all coming out for me to deal with front and centre. I have lived my life thinking I had dealt with all the feelings surrounding the conception, pregnancy, delivery and relinquishment - fool that I was!

Now it is all back, stronger than ever, the memories as fresh as it was yesterday.

Donna

[nugget]

Donna,
You might,if you haven't,look around at some other threads as well. There are so many peple here who can relate to how you are feling and what you are going through. And there will be so much more to deal with that getting the network of supporters now is a great idea!
The way you are aproaching this situation I think is very smart. Right now letting us in to help you deal and remain factual with her. But that's just my opinion!! I'd hate to see her hurt you more,at the same time I'm not sure what else you can do.
I can tell you that I was a very angry adoptee for many years. Just the fact that I was adopted made me feel angry,and hurt to name a couple of emotions! And there are times in my life that I am still angry. Only because I don't want to deal with the real feelings.
So hang in there and here, you'll find all members of the triad as well as many first mothers who can help you through this and be here to listen too (read!!)
Hugs to you for opening up, so many years later.
Wendy

[tlee70]

First of all...my question is, who would tell her ????:

She believed I gave her up after having had custody of her for a year and the reason was because my mother did not approve of her

certainly not someone that cared about her feelings! If this is coming from her aparents, then I would have to question the validity of her "wonderful real parents".

Now, I'm not saying this is the case with your bdaughter, but I came from an extremely abusive adoptive home. I was very angry for MANY years..still have issues with it to this day. I also started my search when I was 16 years old. I could be wrong..but maybe the something amiss has to do with her afamily?

tlee