[tricia3]

Recently my state Adoption Reform Group placed a letter in a local newspaperI received the following from someone in comment to my article in yesterday’s paper. I would really like to hear back from all of the ‘birth parents’ on the lists, is this how you feel? Should the website be revised not to say ‘Birth Mother’s’? Please do a reply to all when you reply.
R. M.


“I just read your article in the News and Observer regarding opening records for adoptees and their natural parents. It is a shame that your article used language that many natural mothers, such as myself, abhor. Once a woman gives birth and passes along her genes, she is a mother, not a "birth mother." The latter word is demeaning to all mothers, whether or not we have lost a child to adoption. In the future, please use "mother" or "mother who has lost a child to adoption," or "natural mother" to describe moms of adopted-out children and adults. Only when mothers begin to be treated as the mothers that we are, whether or not we are raising our child(ren), will we begin to truly reform adoption.



I was born in Virginia and adopted and raised in North Carolina. When my natural mother tried to obtain my original birth certificate, she was told that it was "as if you'd never had a child." The only birth certificate available to me is a falsified one. What a slap in the face to my mother, something I only truly realized after my first child was born. My mother is my only mother and I can't help but think that perhaps much of the loss of family values can be traced to calling my own mother and other mothers who have lost a child to adoption "birth" things. It is derogatory indeed and many mothers who have lost a child take offense to it. Let's make sure that we all use language more respectful of natural families when we are describing those who have been separated by adoption.”


So what do you guys think? What would you prefer to be called?

[Montraviatommyg]

I'm glad you have posted about this issue as personally I prefer being referred to as a 'natural' mother rather than 'birth' mother.

The first time I heard of the term birth mother was when I was first reunited with my bson although it wasn't him who used it. I found it most strange and have never really got used to it so really I am saying that I think it's nicer to be referred to as a natural mother.

Montravia

[echaos]

Hi Tricia, I realise that you are asking for birthparent feedback, but since you are an adoptee, I hope that you don't mind another adoptee answering.

For me personally I dislike the term "Natural mother" and terms like "adopted-out children" and "mother who has lost a child to adoption". I think for me the problem lies in the opposite definitions that would refer to my adoptive parents. I have a birth mother and an adoptive mother. I do not have a natural mother and an un-natural mother. Neither of them ever lost me (though I did wander off in a mall once for a few scary minutes!) and "adopted out" sounds to close to "I rented out the cabin" for me to be comfortable with it.

That being said, I know that terminology is a heated debated amongst all members of the triad. If someone were to tell me that they did not want to be refered to as XXX then I would respect that, but not change the way I use the terms that I'm comfortable with in general. I would hope that I would get the same respect back.

I'm interested to see other responses.

[BrandyHagz]

I represent several sides of the triad and I feel the exact same way that Andy does…thanks for sharing Andy.

[ellemeth]

I don't like the term natural mother mainly because of the implied 'unnatural' that gets atached to the a-mom. I don't really like birth-mother either though. And birth-father is just silly. I prefer the term biological mother (or bio-mom) because birth is a single moment and biological represents something that will always be there.

As for "mother who lost a child to adoption" I think that makes it sound like I lost her at the mall and someone picked her up and took her home. I didn't lose the babies I placed. I'm not with them now but I know where they are and who they're with.

Just another point of view to consider...

[tricia3]

Originally Posted by echaos

Hi Tricia, I realise that you are asking for birthparent feedback, but since you are an adoptee, I hope that you don't mind another adoptee answering.

echaos ~ I'm interested in everyone's opinion, not just birthparents. Yeah I posted on the birthparent boards , but I'd like to hear what everybody thinks.
I've really never given much thought to terminology until the above e-mail was sent to me by the author. I did find it interesting that the offended person in this letter is not even a biologial mother.
I don't agree with anything the writer said. I too feel the word "natural mother" doesn't quite work for me. Like several of you said ......natural as oppsed to un-natural. To me this implies that the mothers who adopted us are un-natural.
She also said that "the latter word (birth mother) is demeaning to all mothers" . There she goes speaking for other people again. I am a mother and in no way do I find the term birth mother demeaning to me.
The saddest part is, the author totally missed the point of the original letter, which was for adoption reform. So adoptees like me and her, can have access to our original birth certificates. She's attacking the very people that are fighting desparately to help her and other adoptees. I just don't understand why people get so caught up in silly things just for the sake of arguing.

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by echaos

For me personally I dislike the term "Natural mother" and terms like "adopted-out children" and "mother who has lost a child to adoption". I think for me the problem lies in the opposite definitions that would refer to my adoptive parents. I have a birth mother and an adoptive mother. I do not have a natural mother and an un-natural mother. Neither of them ever lost me (though I did wander off in a mall once for a few scary minutes!) and "adopted out" sounds to close to "I rented out the cabin" for me to be comfortable with it.

Ellemeth and BrandyHagz this applies to you both as well as you agree with Andy - I prefer the term
natural mum to birth mum as it is the better of two evils in my eyes. With 'birth mum' it gives me that uncomfortable feeling (even though I I refer to myself as a bmum) of women who have children then give them up without a thought for adoption but as we all know the majority of women do actually struggle with this. So many times I have read of women like myself who would have kept their child had our situations been better/had support so the decision wasn't taken lightly.

Using the term 'natural mum' to mothers who give birth has the problem of implying quite rightly that a mother who has adopted is an 'unnatural mother' which is absolutely wrong. A mother who adopts is 'natural' as well simply because they are being the mother to the child they have adopted so deserve the same respect. Hope this makes sense.

Montravia

[Jensboys]

Although I use the term birthmom for clarity's sake on the forums ... and I dont really like the term natural mother, not only for the above mentioned reasons, but also because those who are vehimently anti-adoption use it certainly because their intent to to make adoption seem unnatural and the familial relationships as less than.

Mostly, I use the term first mother. We talk in our home that everyone has a first mother, and usually your firstmom (the one who gives birth to you) is the mother who raises you, but sometimes, for whatever reason, your first mom cant raise you, so then you have a "raising mom". I dont think explaining it that way belittles anyone and it recognizes the child's reality as well.

Jen

[tricia3]

Originally Posted by tricia3

Recently my state Adoption Reform Group placed a letter in a local newspaperI received the following from someone in comment to my article in yesterday’s paper. I would really like to hear back from all of the ‘birth parents’ on the lists, is this how you feel? Should the website be revised not to say ‘Birth Mother’s’? Please do a reply to all when you reply.
R. M.


“I just read your article in the News and Observer regarding opening records for adoptees and their natural parents. It is a shame that your article used language that many natural mothers, such as myself, abhor. Once a woman gives birth and passes along her genes, she is a mother, not a "birth mother." The latter word is demeaning to all mothers, whether or not we have lost a child to adoption. In the future, please use "mother" or "mother who has lost a child to adoption," or "natural mother" to describe moms of adopted-out children and adults. Only when mothers begin to be treated as the mothers that we are, whether or not we are raising our child(ren), will we begin to truly reform adoption.



I was born in Virginia and adopted and raised in North Carolina. When my natural mother tried to obtain my original birth certificate, she was told that it was "as if you'd never had a child." The only birth certificate available to me is a falsified one. What a slap in the face to my mother, something I only truly realized after my first child was born. My mother is my only mother and I can't help but think that perhaps much of the loss of family values can be traced to calling my own mother and other mothers who have lost a child to adoption "birth" things. It is derogatory indeed and many mothers who have lost a child take offense to it. Let's make sure that we all use language more respectful of natural families when we are describing those who have been separated by adoption.”

I am not the author of either of these above quotes. The first is written by the Roberta McDonald, whom I believe is the founder of the NC Coalition for Adoption Reform. The response was from a reader of the original letter that was published in the New-Observer Times.

Just wanted to clear that up.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Birthmother does not bother me because that's, basically and at the core, what I am. So as not to confuse Munchkin in our open adoption, her Adoptive Mom will always be Mom/Mommy and I will always be Birthmom/Jenna. It's just who I am.

[tricia3]

Published: Mar 19, 2005
Modified: Mar 19, 2005 3:45 AM


Sunshine for us too



During what newspapers are calling Sunshine Week, one of the questions being asked of the public is, "Do you know where your public records are?"

For adult adoptees in North Carolina, all we know is that our public records were sealed away at the time our adoption was finalized. Public records such as the original birth certificate, hospital record, foster home record and access to updated medical information are all sealed away from us for life.

State government keeps tight control on all the information associated with us prior to our adoptions. But as a recent article noted, "And secrecy fosters corruption, inefficiency, waste, even oppression." So why were these records sealed? Why do they continue to be sealed? Can this process be changed? Should these records be unsealed?

Originally, birth certificates were sealed to protect people from the shame of either being born out of wedlock or having a child out of wedlock. They continue to be sealed today to protect adoptive parents from any interference from the birth parent who relinquished the child.

The process can be changed by giving back a right which was taken from the only party who had no input into the contract signed by their adoptive parents and the state. A right allowing the adult adoptee access to the information sealed away when he or she was adopted.

This will help protect the children of adoptees, and their grandchildren, from inherited medical or mental health problems. And it will prevent the adopted person from marrying anyone such as a sibling or someone else they may be related to.

What is keeping this process the way it is are closed minds. The closed minds of legislators who say a birth mother's privacy and confidentiality should be protected from the child she gave birth to and relinquished. That is a privacy and confidentiality which were not written into any of the relinquishment papers a birth mother signs in North Carolina. This privacy and confidentiality issue has been taken to the state Supreme Courts of two other states and has been denied.

The N.C. Coalition for Adoption Reform is working on legislation for 2007 to grant access to original birth certificates for adult adopted persons, parents of a minor adoptee and the descendants of a deceased adoptee. The legislation would allow for updated medical information to be passed along also. Anyone interested in learning more about this local adoption reform group can visit our Web site at adoptionreform-nc.org

Roberta MacDonald

Chairwoman

N.C. Coalition for Adoption Reform

Durham

(The length limit on letters was waived to permit a fuller response.)










Roberta MacDonald

Chairwoman - NC Coalition for Adoption Reform

http://adoptionreform-nc.org



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The oppressed should rebel, and they will continue to rebel and raise disturbance until their civil rights are fully restored to them and all partial distinctions, exlusions, and incapacitations are removed. -- Thomas Jefferson

[stacyone]

Amom piping up here, feel free to scroll on by.

I gave my daughter's bmom the option of what she wanted to be called -- she feels comfortable with 'birthmom'.

Note that I don't say 'birthunit' or 'birthmachine'. I say 'birthMOM'. BirthMOTHER.

On the forums I refer to her as bmom and myself as amom, just for expediency's sake.

My daughter is starting to use the phrase 'birthmom'. At first we used 'tummymom', which frankly I wasn't crazy about but it made sense to my daughter. Babies come from their mommies' tummies. I tell my daughter that she's so lucky because she has TWO mothers who love her more than the sun and the moon and all of the stars... 'H' and Mommy.

[79nic]

I don't really care. Of the three (birthmom, first mom, natural mom) I guess I like first mom the best, and probably birthmom last, but it's not that big a deal to me. Birth mom is probably last because I do feel I have more of a role in Marie's life than having just given birth to her...... I understand how natural mother can be offensive, but I think of it more as "natural" vs. "legal." Natural--as in, the way nature works (becoming a mom by giving birth). Not as an implication that forming a family another way (legally) is worse than giving birth... just different.

But I tend to use whatever language most others around me are comfortable with, since I don't care that much. To Marie, I am her birthmom, and that's fine.

[emilyangel]

I don't care, personally... I use the term 'birthmom', but amom says bdaughter has '2 moms', she's her mom and I'm her mom. There's no 'adoptive' or 'birth' added in front of either. We are both parents to her.


I don't like 'natural mother', for the same reasons mentioned about UNnatural mothers, and someone mentioned 'natural vs legal', which kinda bugs me too, cause amom is a he!! of alot more than a 'legal mom' to bdaughter... She's her MOM plain and simple, legality or not... So yeah, 'natural' bugs me for me, and 'legal' bugs me for amom. I don't even like referring to her as 'amom' or 'adoptive mom', she's my daughter's mother and that's it...lol

That confuses people alot, but guess what, it's noone's business but mine and my family's...

So yeah. Birthmom is fine, but honestly, I prefer Jen

[suzherm]

Originally Posted by ellemeth

As for "mother who lost a child to adoption" I think that makes it sound like I lost her at the mall and someone picked her up and took her home. I didn't lose the babies I placed. I'm not with them now but I know where they are and who they're with.

Just another point of view to consider...

I prefer natural mother (agree with those that feel birthmother seems to imply "breeder").

I also dont like "placed". I prefer surrender. To me, placed implied temporary, like I was coming back, or I could pick her up (simliar to the lost at the mall scenario mentioned in another post). I place things on a table. To me, "placed" implies free will, a choice - not something all of us had. More than one option needs to be presented for their to be a "choice". Some may have that - I did not.

I surrendered my daughter because of no job, no where to live, no support system. My child deserved more than I could offer her at the time.

All that aside, its what matters to YOU that is important. If you want to be called birthmother, adoptee, adopter, natural mother, or Scooby Doo, I would do it.

Cheers!