[emilyangel]

Hi everyone, I'm Jen, and all I can really think is how sad I am that I did not find these boards a year ago.

I gave birth to a beautiful little girl 2/19/04, so she just turned 1 this past Saturday. I placed her with her Aparents a year ago yesterday. This past week has been so painful, and yet, noone seems to understand. My bf (not baby's birthfather, however, we were dating at the time I was pregnant and placed), just tells me that he doesn't want to deal with this for the next 18 years... How does he think I feel? I don't want to be in pain over this... I don't want to cry and hurt over this.. I wish things had gone differently, I wish I felt like I had another choice...

I'm also the mother of an almost 4 year old little girl, and a soon-t-o-be step-mom of an almost 9 year old little boy. Some days it's just so hard to parent my children, just because of guilt that I could not keep my youngest..

I'm not really looking for advice... Just hoping I'm not alone....

Jen

[Big Dreamer]

Hi Jen,

I am so sorry that no one seems to understand how you feel. I am really glad that you came to these boards for support.

Though I am not a birth mom I am a very, very grateful and happy adoptive mom.

You have every right to express your thoughts and feelings; our birth mom also had times where the journey was difficult. H was able to focus on school and set goals for herself.

I can’t begin to imagine how hard things are for you. Your children and family need you, have you considered some counseling or an anti – depressant? I have been in touch with other bmoms who have told me that the anti-depressants have helped take the edge off so that they could work on being the best that they can be.

Please know that you are not alone…

I will gladly be your support system and will gladly stay in touch with you via phone or e-mail. I have big arms and big ears come to think of it…I am just a BIG GIRL full of lots of love .

I am here for you…hang in there.

Hugs,
Maria

[VKH]

((((((Jen))))))

I am a birthmother too. My son was born about 2 months ago. I have had many ups and downs in these last months. I can say with honesty, "I know how you feel".

My family and friends just don't get it. In fact, I think that you will hear that a lot on these boards. Family and friends do have the best of intentions, but unless you've LIVED it....you just don't know.

I'm so glad that you've found these boards. They have helped me tremendously. Please feel free to post any time about anything. We are all here to encourage and support one another in this *journey*.

Do you have an open adoption? It almost sounded like your adoption was closed, or at the most semi open.

Do you get to see pics of your daughter?

Vanda

[SchmennaLeigh]

Your boyfriend does not sound very supportive. I was also dating someone who was not the birthfather during pregnancy and placement and his support is the only reason I have made it through on some of my darker days. He does not sound like something that you need for you or your daughter. You need someone to support and uplift you. You need encouragement that days will get better.

I hope you find people like that, even if they are only here.

My name is Jenna and I am also a Birthmother. Some days are better than others. I placed in late 2003.

*hugs* Hang in.

[Montraviatommyg]

Hi Jen,

My circumstances were completely different to yours, I realised I was pregnant after a bad relationship split up but I didn't get any support from anyone either. For 23 years my bson was only mentioned briefly 3 times the last time 11 years ago. Subsequently when I found him accidently days after his 23rd birthday I suddenly had to deal with my emotions which was hard going as I was trying to put how he was feeling first. Fortunately since reunion my husband has been on the whole supportive and when either of us have a bad time of it dealing with issues we have dealt with it.

I strongly believe that bmothers should be given the support we need particularly when we feel down, want to cry, trying to get through 'our baby's' birthday ..... the list is endless. It is a shame your partner has the attitude that he does have as it wont make the situation go away. Also if you are reunited with in the future with your bdaughter it will be hard as you will not have talked about it as a couple. I completely support your need to deal with how you feel and please don't bottle it up.

Hope things improve for you.

Montravia

[emilyangel]

My daughters adoption is open, however a few months after her birth, I moved 3000 miles away. So, visists aren't easy anymore (although I'd only had 1 prior), and phone calls seem to be difficult to time with the 3 hour time difference now.

I do get photos, as a matter of fact just got an email this morning with her christening and birthday photos! (both events were the same day last week).

I deal so wonderfully 95% of the time, but Christmas was hard and her birthday was even harder.

I love my boyfriend dearly, and I know he's dealing with alot of guilt issues. He feels that I only placed Angelina because of him... I did want to keep her, yes, but I couldn't... Sooooooo many reasons, and he was none of those reasons.. During my pregnancy it was 'easy' to get angry with him, or 'blame' things on him, and I am dealing with the consequences of those actions now, however, I've tried explaining over and over that he's got nothing to feel guilty for..

I wish the 2 of us could enter counseling together... Over this, and over parenting together... There are days when I feel like the placement of Angelina effects how we/I raise our children now. I worry everyday about my role as a parent; if I'm doing well, if I could be a better mom etc etc... And the commenr he made on Saturday just really made all those fears seem like a reality...

I'm, glad I found this place... I really need someplace like this to talk...

[wondering205]

Emily:
I am a bmom of a 3-year-old girl and it definitely is a journey full of pain by also joy.

Although my the time my daughter was born my bf and I had broken-up, he also dealt with a lot of guilt issues. I've never heard anyone else say that, so I'm very glad that you shared that.

You should certainly consider counseling! This will likely be the biggest "thing" that you'll ever go through and we all just need some help sometimes!

By the way...how much fun to get new pics! Those are always the BEST days!

-Meg

p.s. Vanda-I haven't posted on here since forever ago! But, it's Meg from the B web forum. I just felt like checking things out over here! Oh, and I had 9 pms waiting. Oops! Well, "see" you soon!

[VKH]

(((((Meg)))))

Good to see ya here!

Jen, I also live 3000 miles away from my bson and his parents. Sometime I could kick myself for choosing aparents so far away. At the time I thought that was what I wanted but now I can definately say that is my only regret.

As for counseling...it never hurts anyone!! In fact I think it could only help. I would highly recommend it.

Vanda

[emilyangel]

With counseling, right now I'm waiting to be approved for medical aid in this state. It will more likely than not go through, but I can't afford anything until then.

While pregnant, I talked to a social worker at the dr's office I went to, which was helpful. And my daughter's Aparents paid for me to see a couselor (once right before birth, and twice after)... She was christian, and I am not, and while I could see her counseling benefiting another christian person, it really did nothing but make me angry with her for things she'd said to me regarding MY faith and choices I've made in MY life, ya know?

So after that, I was a bit bitter, and just saw noone. That was a year ago. I moved in June, just to move back 17 days later. After that I moved permantly the end of October, and have been working on this part of my life ever since.

The hardest part of all this just really seems to be my boyfriend.... Ya know, his guilt and just how frustrated he gets when I'm sad. It's as if somehow to him, my being sad must mean I'm angry with him or something... Of course, that's not true, my being sad has diddly to do with him, but if I were him, I'd probably feel similar...

[catfish]

Hi Jen. I'm new here too. As far as I can tell, this is a good place to be. You are definitely not alone. I'm sorry you didn't find the support you needed a year ago. What a tough year this must have been for you and how strong you must be to have gotten through it. We're all behind you.
*hugs*
Tam