[DavidKed]

I just got a letter from my son. For the first time, I had asked him what it was like growing up. He didn't say much and said it wasnt too bad growing up adopted. However, he said the only hard part was his parent's divorce.

What divorce?!? How dare they? That upsets me to no end. We entrusted our son to two supposedly responsible and loving adults so that our son could grow up in a stable home. Unfortunately, I find out that the parents cant get their act together enough to stay married. I cant believe they would hurt him like that.

All this time I imagined him growing up in a perfect little family. It is hard to think that it was otherwise

I understand that people get divorced all the time and it is simply a fact of life. However, these two people made a commitment to our son and they didnt live up to that commitment. That is unacceptable.

[Jensboys]

Oh I am so sorry. I cant imagine ... I do believe that when we adopt we should be held to a higher standard - particularly if a bparent places so their child can have MORE stability and a two parent family. The reality is that many people divorce, and I, like you, dont really agree with it.

I have a dear online friend who found out that not only did the aparents cut her off contact after promising an open adoption - they divorced WITHIN THE FIRST YEAR of her daughter's life. She placed specifically so her child would be raised with two parents ... and now 12 months later she faces a closed adoption and her child being raised being shuttled between two homes.

[scarlet52698]

My aparents divorced before I was two. I'm now 34 and have NEVER seen my parents in the same room together.

It really does bring a lot more issues into being adopted when your parents split up, at least for me it did.

Of coarse no one's perfect........but it's hard to resolve that as an adoptee sometimes.

[Jensboys]

I am not an adoptee but my parents also divorced when I was 20. That is still one of the hardest things for me as well. Not being able to be with your parents in the same room. Not being able to go out for supper/coffee/lunch ... not being able to celebrate the arrival of a grandchild TOGETHER.

Divorce sucks. And for an adoptee, it must be worse.

[HappyMomAnna]

Divorce is horrible no matter what on children!!!!

Jen--my parents were also divorced when I was older--I was 22 and already married with two kids of my own! TALK about redefining my meaning of marriage--being a mother--and being a wife!!!!!! My whole life had been based on the role modle my parents had set for me!

My own children were 11 and 12 when I divorced their father (after basing my whole life on my parents no wonder I was doomed) And it was hard for them....

David--I can only imagine how this information MUSt STUN YOU! and how it really is hearbreaking.... Divorce is terrible no matter what---But having been there and done that--I can tell you as hard as the divorce was for my kids it was also better for them.... Most people who go to the trouble of adopting do NOT consider that a divorce is in the picture...and most people do not just get up and get divorced... GENERALLY, iif they were to have stayed togehter ther kids would actually suffer from some other problems...maybe even worse ones..... there was NOTHING worse for me then thinking may parents has stayed together long enough for me to grow up....and then finding that what I thought a marriage should be was all wrong...I can only hope my kids do not make the same mistake....And that my mistake and then my recovery and remarraige has made them stronger...?

[scarlet52698]

I agree.......divorce is difficult on ALL children. It does stink that aparents are held to a higher standard when they are human beings just like the rest of the world. I guess from a bparent perspective if you place your child solely for the reason of them having a two parent family then finding out they experienced divorce is devestating. This was the case with my bmom. She was 20 and had a good job, but my bdad was in Vietnam and she didn't know if he would come back. She wanted me to have a mom and dad in my life. Unfortunately, she had no say in who adopted me and her dream for me was shattered.

You're right Anna, your kids will learn from watching your strength and courage in leaving a situation that was unhealthy for you and them.

I would like to believe that my bsons parens are still married. It would devestate me if they weren't, but like I said before they are just people too so I'd have to find some kind of acceptance about it.

I dunno.......wish there was a magic happy spell to make everyone love each other and get along no matter what. But happily ever after is rare nowdays

[AMom2Two]

I agree aparents are held to a higher standard and I do feel personally responsible to do the best I can to provide a loving and stable 2 parent family for our children.

BUT, let me tell you one thing, if I should ever find out that my dh cheated on me, adoption or not, I would leave him. That is my standard. I would not accept that behavior just because I adopted my children and feel a responsiblity to provide a good two parent home to them. I will teach my children values and how NOT to allow others to treat them. I can't teach this if I do not do as I preach. KWIM?

[SchmennaLeigh]

David,

I would have been just as upset. In my (well, our) minds, divorce is only acceptable in terms of adultery. We made a sacred vow. My parents have been through a lot of, well, crap, and will be celebrating their 25th anniversary this year. I am so happy for them. I must admit a few times when I was growing up and I did not understand adult relationships, I "wanted" them to divorce until I sat down and thought about having to choose, going back and forth and so on. How very unfun.

I am sorry that your son's parents did not live up to their commitment. Munchkin was placed in a two parent home for a reason: I couldn't provide one. I would be just as upset.

*sending hugs of support*

[paigeturner]

David,

I'm sorry to hear this. I would be upset as well. However, without knowing why they divorced I can't say it was wrong. I've watched my SIL who is an adoptive mom work through her divorce. She believed in the trust that was given to her by her son's bparents and while it was impossible for her and my xBIL to continue their marriage, they've worked hard to maintain a friendship and a united front for their son. He's commented that life has become more peaceful and he gets more support from both of his parents now that they aren't living in a battle field. My SIL is getting remarried this spring and her exhusband is going to walk her down the aisle. While I know that such a situation is rare, I believe that some divorces are for the best.

Knowing this, should I ever have the opportunity to meet my birthson, I will still feel the same feelings of betrayal that you feel if his parents have divorced.

[DavidKed]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I have been thinking a lot about this. It simply doesn't matter to me what their reasons were. Maybe they just grew apart or maybe there was adultry. I don't know and I just don't care.

They hurt my son greatly and my son didn't grow up in a stable two parent home. They broke the agreement.

I wish we never placed our son with them. We chose terribly.

I am REALLY angry.

[VKH]

David,

I could analyze and try and give you the "benefits" of their choice and try and reason with you and try and defend their choice, but what it really comes down to is this...

I would be pissed, angry, regretful and feel just as betrayed as you.

My heart goes out to you and your son, and his bmom.

Sincerely,
Vanda

[Kitti]

Divorce is horrible under any circumstance and children suffer the most, but I try not to be judgemental because divorce like adoption is different in every case. I am not an amom, I am a bmom and I have raised 3 children as well. My divorce was caused by alcohol abuse and violence, my kids were young, 3 and 1 and abuse is not acceptable in any home. I explained to my kids as well as I could that their daddy was very sick and needed help to get well and until he did we would not be seeing him. After an extensive amount of rehab(that until the divorce he claimed he did not need) and lots of time away my ex was able to become a part of the kids lives again. It was slow, from surpervised visits to small times together until they were finally at a point they could go overnight. Now the girls are older 18 and 16 and they have a good relationship with their father. They also have a good relationship with their step-father who has been with me to provide a good loving marriage/relationship model for them. There was never any "bashing" of the other parent and my kids understand that divorce was the best and safest choice for us at the time.What kind of adults would they become if they grew up watching that behavior and thinking it was ok or normal? Parents of any type, adoptive or birth have the number one responsibility to take care of our children and keep them safe and sometimes that means removing them from a dangerous situation. If we take the time to put children first even in divorce we can soften the hurt for them.
I am sorry you are angry and hurt because of your sons aparents divorce, I am sure they did not plan to hurt your son(their son) and were saddened by that fact as well. Its to bad we do not have a crystal ball to tell us our future, it would really help our decision making skills.

[scarlet52698]

(((HUGS)) David

[paigeturner]

David,

How is the reunion going?

[cathy102]

David...Sorry about your pain and the sad news ... Your son will be in my prayers and thoughts...And also for his adoptive family...

Take care..I am sure it will get better in time...

Cathy