[skidoolady]

Hi, Like many of those who are about to read this, I am a birthmom. I hurt inside on a daily basis from the piece of me that is missing. I have a severe dilemma and need some sound advise. 11 years ago I released my daughter to her adoptive parents.... It was the hardest thing I have and ever will do. Three weeks ago I jumped on my computor and found this sight. I found out that my daughter had posted a reunite search for me... it was dated Jan. 13 2003. The Adoptive parents told her I was from North Carolina.. I am not and they know it. Also to make matters worse 3 years after the release they stopped sending me the once a year picture they had promised me... these pictures helped me get through one year at a time.
Anyway the problem I am having is that I want to contact her back. It is obvious she wants to know me and is ready. What should I do? Do I have any rights at all and if so what are they.....?????????
Scared, lost, and want so bad to reach out to her.... I love her so much....Diana

[tobeafamily]

Legally, you have no rights whatsoever.

I'm guessing from this that she's not yet 18 years old? If so, then my best advice is to contact her adoptive parents first. You may want to do so through a mediator - counselor, religious leader, attorney, etc.

If she is 18 years of age or older, then she is legally an adult. Contacting her directly may have emotional ramifications. Legally, it has none. Contacting her as a minor - i.e. under 18, even if she posted on a 'reunion' board has legal ramifications if contact is against her parents' wishes.

If she is a minor and you don't work through her aparents, you can cause more harm to yourself and her than good. I gather from your post you feel anger towards her adoptive parents. That can be destructive or you can work to diffuse it. If you haven't talked to her aparents then you don't really know what they told her, only what she posted (if it is indeed her post you read), right?

IMHO

[Nina24]

Hi Skidoolady~

Your situation poses quite a dilemma. On the one hand, your daughter has posted the desire to contact you. On the other hand, she is a minor. It appears that her adoptive parents may not want you to make contact with her now (just an inference). They are responsible for her and her mental wellbeing. Many parents of teens have very little notion of what their children are are doing on the internet (as evidenced by the cyberbullying problem) so I would hazzard to guess that they do not know of her posting looking for you.

I am only a hopeful adoptive parent, so I can not speak first hand of emotional implications of a reunion, but having been on the boards here for a while, I think it can be an emotional roller coaster. Maybe you could read up on some of the old posts on reunioins. Even for mature and stable adults, it can be emotionally trying and have a significant impact on their lives. Your daughter is just a young teen. Research has shown that some teens, due to their cognitive development, have a reduced ability to make adult/rational decisions. What I'm saying is that she may have posted that she wants a reunion, but she is not developmentally able to make that decision the way an adult could nor able to handle the ramifications of such a meeting as an adult could. (For instance, what if she says she 'hates her parents' and wants to come live with you? When I was 14, I deeply wanted to go live with my older sister when she first got married and I said I 'hated my parents' etc. I look back and chuckle at what wonderful parents I had and how absurd this all was, but you could never have convinced me of this at that time. You see what I mean?)

Maybe you could try to contact her adoptive parents and let them know that you came across her posting. You could explain that you are not trying to disrupt their lives, but would like to know how she is doing and were making yourself available to answer her questions, as they deem appropriate. If you take it in baby steps and find a way to slowly work with them, then perhaps when she is a few years older, you will be able to meet. If that doesn't happen, I think you should wait until she is no longer a minor, as terribly painful as that may be. This is just my opinion and I'm frankly curious as to what other posters will say. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that eventually you and your daughter have the reunion you both desire.

~Nina

[Jensboys]

As an adoptive mom, I think Nina makes some EXCELLENT points! Her approach might be the best if your daughter is really only 11-13. However, I also do think that when adoptive parents have broken contact agreements for no reason and openness has been disregarded - birth parents do have a bit more leeway to find out some information on their children. I am so sorry that you are in this position.

If your daughter was placed as an older child and is in fact now 19, I would contact her directly.

Jen

[skidoolady]

I am positve that it was my daughters reunite request. Everything was correct except birth mothers home state. I would never do anything to hurt Kristin. I have lived only 15 minutes away from her for the past 11 years and have never tried to contact her. I have spoken with the amother and she has promised me everytime that she will send pictures. When the adoption was in process that was the only thing I had asked for. The pictures have helped me breathe and deal with the day to day emotions. Because the amother has not sent the pictures since Kristin was 3 this leads me to believe that she is feeling pretty insecure. I have given her a gift of life and I feel pretty betrayed. I feel that a picture a year was a very small want. Maybe all I really need from this forum is to know that I am not alone. I dont have anyone to talk to about how I am feeling when a birthday goes by, or the extra presents under the xmas tree every year that go unopened. Or the dreams of being able to see, smell and feel her in my arms when we were in the hospital together for 5 days. I have 2 other daughters that know about Kristin. My oldest looks so much like her in so many ways. Sorry I am rambling on. There are just so many feelings that are bottled and jumbled at the same time. I want to thank you for your honesty. And I hope there will be more for me respond to. Thank you again. Diana PS Kristin has known that she is adopted since she was 5 years old.

Originally Posted by tobeafamily

Legally, you have no rights whatsoever.

I'm guessing from this that she's not yet 18 years old? If so, then my best advice is to contact her adoptive parents first. You may want to do so through a mediator - counselor, religious leader, attorney, etc.

If she is 18 years of age or older, then she is legally an adult. Contacting her directly may have emotional ramifications. Legally, it has none. Contacting her as a minor - i.e. under 18, even if she posted on a 'reunion' board has legal ramifications if contact is against her parents' wishes.

If she is a minor and you don't work through her aparents, you can cause more harm to yourself and her than good. I gather from your post you feel anger towards her adoptive parents. That can be destructive or you can work to diffuse it. If you haven't talked to her aparents then you don't really know what they told her, only what she posted (if it is indeed her post you read), right?

IMHO

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by skidoolady

Because the amother has not sent the pictures since Kristin was 3 this leads me to believe that she is feeling pretty insecure. I have given her a gift of life and I feel pretty betrayed. I feel that a picture a year was a very small want. Maybe all I really need from this forum is to know that I am not alone.

You are not alone..

I worry about your birthdaughter.. She is very young and you have resentments IMO with her adoptive mother..
Do you think she will be able to cope with contact?
Do you think she will be able to deal with all the emotions and the conflicts?

Jackie

[skidoolady]

Only because I know people that know my Kristin, can I honestly say that she is interested in contacting me. I also worry about her emotional state if it comes to a reunion. She has my blood running through her and she is quite strong and bull headed. Yet the knowing that she is an adoptee since the age of 5 has brought alot of questions to her. I will not do anything that would harm her in anyway. She will be the one to make the choice in meeting or not meeting. This I have known for a long time. Love is strong and the pull between she and I is very clear. Someday we will meet and it will be good. My heart tells me this. I have had discussions with the Birthing Councelor who arranged the adoption, and she cannot understand the reactions of the amother. I have lived up to the rules and regulations that surrounded the adoption. The amother (not the afather) has built a wall up and is totatally paranoid. Why this had to be this way I have no idea, but I want to be fair and say that the afather has been a great influence on my Kristin. He is a great man. I just wish that he could get through to his wife and let her know that I am willing to wait but the lying to Kristin is only going to work against her in the end. This was an open adoption and Kristin is a very smart kid if she can go online at the age of 10 and do a birth mother search. The amother has to take the future in to light and remember that she already knows the truth and it will set her free..... Diana

[banjo]

I know all the aparents are going to hate me for this but what's wrong with dropping her a reply simply saying that you love her, think of her everyday and also want to meet her when she's 18. Then if nothing more comes of it at least she knows that you do love her and a reunion will happen. It might be all that she needs to know. i think the amother broke a very basic agreement (how hard is it to send a photo once a year?) and that you have been honorable keeping your distance. What's a few loving emails - it's not a kidnapping!!!! If she can't cope with it then she will not reply. I took my then 11 year-old bdaughter to the movies and out shopping - just the two of us. It was not a big deal and we just talked about clothing labels etc. innocent, nice stuff. It was fun. A message sent with love is not going to scar her for life. lol banjo

[FauxClaud]

I don't think that you should ignore it and leave her hanging. If nothing else, it would hurt her to find out later that she reached out to you, you say it and then didn't deal, or then, you'd have to keep it from her forever to not hurt her.
I like the idea of telling her that you do love her, think of her, and can't wait to see her again. I would also explain the reasons why you cannot forward her direct contact info at this time..explain it to her. If she is doing this independently of her parents then they can go ahead and get a restrainer order against you, truth in all relationships, etc. But, that you will contact her parents on her behalf and see if they would be open to contact and if they do not agree, you will be waiting for baited breath for her to turn 18.
Then do that..explain that you found her on a site, tell them what you did, and see if they are willing to work with you.
In essence, it puts the responsiblity on her aparents where it HAS to be for now. You are truthful and honest, yet still reassuing her of your feelings and intentions. ANd you cannot be accused of being unethical or going behind the aparents back.
Isn't it lovely to know that she wants to know you???
Good luck. I'd love to know how it goes.
Claud

[skidoolady]

Originally Posted by banjo

I know all the aparents are going to hate me for this but what's wrong with dropping her a reply simply saying that you love her, think of her everyday and also want to meet her when she's 18. Then if nothing more comes of it at least she knows that you do love her and a reunion will happen. It might be all that she needs to know. i think the amother broke a very basic agreement (how hard is it to send a photo once a year?) and that you have been honorable keeping your distance. What's a few loving emails - it's not a kidnapping!!!! If she can't cope with it then she will not reply. I took my then 11 year-old bdaughter to the movies and out shopping - just the two of us. It was not a big deal and we just talked about clothing labels etc. innocent, nice stuff. It was fun. A message sent with love is not going to scar her for life. lol banjo

I wanted to thank both of you from the deepest part of my heart. Love doesnt stop or go away when you release a child. It is a deeper love for the child at that time that makes it all clear on what you have to do. When I released Kristin I felt that it was the absolute best for her, NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!! I am just shaking as I type this. Also for the Aparents it was a gift from me that they could not give eachother. Medically the amother could never produce a child and I gave her what her heart was missing, I gave her a part of mine. In a sense I thought that the amother and I would connect to a level beyond comprehension. Unfortunately this did not nor ever will happen. For this I am very sorry because it would never get messy. I am going to email Kristin back using the site provided and leave it up to her. I dont want her to feel that I never looked or cared. This would be the farthest from the truth.

Thank you both for the support and caring enough to sway against the common thoughts. It has helped me immensly. God bless both of you and thank you again. Diana

[banjo]

I'm so pleased you are going to send her a message! Leaving her hanging is not a good idea - we all know how that feels. I hope her contact address is still current. best of luck! Remember to keep it light and loving and do NOT critizise the amother!!! let us know if you get a reply. lol banjo

[skidoolady]

Originally Posted by banjo

I'm so pleased you are going to send her a message! Leaving her hanging is not a good idea - we all know how that feels. I hope her contact address is still current. best of luck! Remember to keep it light and loving and do NOT critizise the amother!!! let us know if you get a reply. lol banjo

I emailed Kristin and unfortunately it was too late. The amother had must have received it and completely wiped out all of Kristins information. I did not bash the amother in the email I sent. I just told Kristin that I am here in Wisconsin and close by. I also told her that I am here for her then,now and forever and when she is ready that I will be waiting. I have always known where she lives and goes to school so unless they just pick up and move suddenly there is always hope. Thanks for being there and listening to me. It has really helped and I will never give up the faith that someday we will be togther again. Love and appreciation to you Banjo Diana