[VKH]

My son was born 5 days ago. His aparents desperately want an open adoption (as do I...I think) and together, along with my whole family, we have really bonded. I love them so much and I know that my son was meant for them.

For the most part I'm doing okay. I'm happy with my decision and have no regrets. But there have been lots of thoughts on my mind.

He is not even a week old and already I think about shutting the door. It seems like it might be easier to just not be involved. It hurts knowing that he doesn't need me anymore. My greatest fear is that he will grow up and never see a need for me in his life, never love me, and never care about the sacrifice I made for him.

It seems better (to me) to shut him and his aparents out completely. To put my walls up before I get hurt again.

I know it's not healthy and I know it's not right and I know that I can't do that to the aparents. They would be so devastated. But I just want it to be over. I just want it to be done. And yet it will never be over and done. There is no closure to a situation like this.

I thought each day would be easier and easier but it seem like it's getting harder and harder.

*sigh*

Vanda

[calriver]

((VKH))
How is the physical recovery going..?

I haven't given birth yet, but I already know I will feel the way you do.
I'm so sure, that I have already warned bfather about "too much news", too many pics of baby, etc. My son will be adopted to his sister so there will be a lot of reminders. All I can say is you have to give yourself time--now is probably a good time to let the aparents know you need a little space and take a break. If they can't understand that, have them read some of the pertinent posts here!
That's probably going to be hard on you too, but you need time for you. YOu may already be doing that, I don't know. Hang in there!
As for him "not needing you..." all I've read on this board and others tells me the more you close off the relationship, the more you stay out now and always, the less he will need you. You will still feel a loss later so if you want to be a part of his life don't close. JMHO!

[blankenb4]

Part of the ambivalence that you are feeling may be exaggerated by "post-partum" blues. This is perfectly normal. I relinquished 33 years ago in a closed adoption and I still think about my daughter. For the first 32 years, I shut it out only remembering when I chose to. I always hoped in the back of my mind that she would show up at my door one day and I could welcome her with open arms. I have found out in the last nine months that she was adopted into a loving family who afforded her the opportunities that I could not. At this point she does not want contact, but she and her aparents sent me a copy of her wedding portrait. So I am at peace with the fact that she was raised well and is happy. But I would like to meet her and hear her voice. I would not make any definitive decisions about shutting out right now. I would talk to the aparent about how you are feeling and maybe they can offer some words of advice.

Best wishes!

Barbara

[Jensboys]

Vanda - sorry for butting in on a birth parent thread, but I hope I can offer you some words of comfort. I am the adoptive mom of two sons (bio mom of two more). My boys are now ages 9 and 8. I think those first few years of an open adoption are VERY hard on birth parents because of exactly what you said - there doesnt seem to be much payoff for you or the child yet. But I want to encourage you about HOW IMPORTANT contact is to my boys now. Their sense of self, knowing that they are loved, knowing that their birth family never forgot them, knowing where their smile comes from, knowing where they got their talents from (which really begin to show over the age of 6 or 7).

If you need a bit of time to heal because your loss is so fresh - thats ok, but PLEASE dont ever, ever think that you arent important to your son. You are. And you will be payed back one day because your son will know and love you and what a greater reward is there? I know of nothing!

[FauxClaud]

Vanda,
I'm sorry, but you aren't going to be able to make it go away. Shutting out the reality and trying to deny it all will not help. Yeh, you can bury it, you can bury it for a long time...but it's still going to be there, always, festering.
It was the "thing" to just "move on with your life and forget it ever happened"..I know so many natural mothers that were told to do so and they did because they knew no other choice. And they did go on, stuffing down their pain and trying to forget. 10, 20, 30 years...and then when it could be stuffed down no longer..the pain and reality of their loss ripped into their lives with the force of an atom bomb. Often it was brought on by reunion, when the reality of their grown child made them feel their loss. So yes, you can close it now and try to walk away and procrastinate it all, but it will find you..maybe when he does. Whether you deal with it now, and everyday in little bits, or have it rock your world in 20, 30 years is your choice. But know that every mom that I have known who has lived denying it talks about how they felt like their whole lives have been shams, with living feeling "numb", walking and talking shells of real people, never really feeling because if they felt one thing in their life..then the walls would come tumbling down. And after, even if it ment letting the pain in to their lives, life with pain was at least a real life and all the more worth it.
Add to that, they did not have the choice to be able to see their children as you do. And I know from natural moms now who do choose not to have contact, that the guilt of that is huge. They feel selfish and weak for not being able to be there as planned in an open relationship. Our children will always need us. We are their links to their past. We are the line to their heritage. You have what no one else has to your child. He will grow, he will prosper, he will love and be loved, but you are always his root and foundation. They want, need to know us. Read what the adult adoptees say...see their need for thier natural families. It is not deniable..it is real. To fully embrace and love themselves, they need to know love and embrace us too. You are part of your son, you cannot cut that part out.
Pain cannot be hidden. It will come out in other ways if you don't met it head on. I know that nothing can convay what you are feeling now. It is deep, it is merciless, sometimes you will drown in it and feel like you can not live on like this. The more you fight it, the stronger it will be. How I wish that we really could just take the happy logic of adoption and make the feelings go away, but it is not possible. There is just no way of losing, placing a baby and having it feel good all the time. We can think about how right it is, but it still hurts like hell. I can tell you that you will never hurt like this about anything else again. And after living through this dark vortex, nothing in life will be able to bare your soul to such and extreme. But for now, you have to get though this first.
And it is so new to you. You are still recovering from birth. The shock is wearing off and the feelings are beginning to surface. It will keep coming..good times and bad, dark nights alone, days of feeling ok..and then-Bam!- back to sqaure one again. I won't sugar coat it...it doesn't go away, it lessens, the good times between get longer, but you are not ever immune to it, ever. Sometimes..out of nowhere..a song will hit me..and I cry for my lost child as surely as I did the first night alone. I don't fight it. I give in to my pain. I let it take me where it needs to and I come back again to my life. Right now, it will feel like if you go there, to that dark place, that you will be lost forever but, you will know the way back. The path will get familier and you will know it by heart. Don't be afraid of it. It is your pain. It is your journey. You need to feel what is there so it will not posion the rest of your life. But it is part of your life now....this is the life of a natural mother.
Don't make any rash decsions now..just get use to it. Take care of you.
Claud

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Vanda.

First of all <<HUGS>>

These first few weeks will be the worst that you will have....if you are like me. I was in tears for no reason practically the whole time..

Now it comes in waves....although I think of my daughter daily. There are good days and a lot of bad ones.... but never as bad as the first ones. Even the first birthday was similar but not the same.

Hang in there. Take time to regroup. Give yourself six weeks and then re-evaluate.

In the mean time... we are here! Vent anytime you need to!

<<REHUG>>

Grieve all that you need too......

Christine

[michellemartin]

Claud is right, you need to deal with your feelings now and not shut him out. It'll all come back sooner or later anyway. I had a relatively easy time adjusting. I was expecting to feel as you do. Talking about it really helps. Keep talking about how you feel and let us each carry a bit of your pain away.

((((hugs))))

[VKH]

Physically I'm healing very well. In fact during the whole pregnancy, it was the physical part that was the easiest.

It is only the emotional that is difficult. I think I will take everyone's advice. I'm sure lots of this is post partum emotions. After all, he is only a week old and my body is still adjusting to everything and my hormones are trying to get back on track.

Also the aparents are still here in state waiting to be cleared by their home state. So that makes it all the harder because I've gone to visit him every day. It is hard having them so close because they are so easily accessible. As much as I want to see him ever day I also don't because I feel like it's holding me back. I have decided to not go visit today. I need a day to just not be immersed in his new world. I need to just step back for a day and not have it thrown in my face.

I don't want to shut the door completely. My sane self knows that. I love him too much and I would never want him to feel like I didn't want him.

I think I will just take time to let myself heal and feel every emotion and just face my grief. I can reevaluate in a few weeks and by then I might have a different perspective, especially as the aparents will be back in their homestate by then.

Thank you guys for your support. It has been so great to have the ability to talk to people that I"ve never even met about all of this. You all understand so much better than even my closest friends.

Vanda

[whispers]

I placed my twin boys with a family that lives in the same town as me. I went to see them every week for the first month following the placement. It was good at first to be able to see but I found as time moved on I was unable to. I finally decided that I need to take a break from seeing them in order to move on with my life. I was so caught up in seeing them that I still felt like I was mothering. I needed to take sometime to care for myself. I have also thought about closing my adoption at times but I have come to the conclusion that I need to have access to my boys. I need for them to know who I am. Right now the pain in so fresh. It has barley been two months since I placed. I think that I wanted to close the adoption because I thought the pain would go away. I have come to relies that the pain is not going to fade that easily and that I need to work through it.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by VKH

I don't want to shut the door completely. My sane self knows that. I love him too much and I would never want him to feel like I didn't want him.
Vanda

There is nothing more painful to an adoptee than to know that their birthparent had the opportunity for contact and walked away from them. It feels as if they have been doubly abandoned.

Your son does need you. The first few years are the hardest. Once your son knows who you are to him things get infinately better. You have a place in his heart.

I think the most important thing to remember the first few years is that you are working on a foundation with his adoptive parents that your son is going to rely on. Work on your relationship with them. Build trust in each other so when your son needs you you are all there for him.

And certainly, allow yourself to fully grieve. It is not an easy thing, but it is so much better to do it now, than later.

[missingmyboy]

Hello Vanda. My bson is 10 months old today. He is in a open adoption and I now see him monthly. The first month I saw him weekly then the second month bi-weekly and monthly since. Like another poster, I found weekly was way too much for me. I couldn't see beyond the next visit and I couldn't think of anything but him every waking moment. I too posted once about wondering if closing the adoption would be better.

Thank God I didn't. Just express your need for some time to the aparents. They will understand that. There is nothing more painful then placing a child for adoption and it will take you some time but you will be okay. I personally didn't find the first month the worst as I was still somewhat "numb". I had to get myself through that first month so I would follow through with my plans and I could change my mind until my baby was a month old. After that, it got harder for me. Although I still think of him every day and several times a day, I am not in the same kind of pain. I still cry once in a while but for the most part I am happy as I know my baby is happy.

As others have said, closing the door won't make the pain go away. In some ways it may even make it worse. If you close the door, you may never be able to open it again. Don't do that to your son or yourself. I promise it will get easier with time. You need to go through that pain to come out okay.

You son does and always will need you! His parents know that and that is why they wanted an open adoption.

Although my babe is only 10 months old today, I have seen him smile so many times and seen how happy and well cared for he is. He is comfortable with me and his older brother now. He benefits from seeing us already as we are building a strong foundation that will only benefit him in the future. If your son seeing you from the beginning and know your love from the beginning, how can that not be a benefit to him?

Keep going Vanda and know that we are here any time you need us. Know that it will likely get worse before it gets better but you will get there.

Shell

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by missingmyboy

Although my babe is only 10 months old today, I have seen him smile so many times and seen how happy and well cared for he is. He is comfortable with me and his older brother now. He benefits from seeing us already as we are building a strong foundation that will only benefit him in the future.
Shell

A wonderful thing..

Jackie

[Ragnarok]

Vanda, you do not have to visit to keep the door open. I will say that maintaining a relationship where you visit early on will probably make it easier on you in the long run when it comes to visits, but you do not have to visit right now. My wife and I waited two years before we were ready to see our son in person. My wife is the one who maintained the relationship the first two years. I wanted to close it and pretend nothing had ever happened. She exchanged letters and phone calls regularly with our son's family, but at first did not feel strong enough to visit.

Now we visit yearly. He is four years old, and I am just now starting to see why open adoption is such a good thing for everyone involved. I do not think he entirely understands the relationship yet, although he knows who we are.

So, if you do need a break, take one. But I think most everyone here would strongly advise you to keep the door open. I suspect there will come a time when you are ready.

[A.Lynne]

I had a visit in December. My last one was in August. We met at a resturant. Jamie sat Cam's car seat next to me in the booth while she ran to the bathroom. I unhooked him and unzipped his little sweatshirt and said "Hey Cam how are you doing?" He got the biggest smile on his face like saying "I know that voice!"

My point being that he will always need you. It doesn't matter that you aren't parenting. You will always be his mom and he will always be your little boy. It doesn't really get easier just more bearable.

Hope things are getting a little better!!

[AMom2Two]

((Vanda)))

Now is the time to think about yourself and what you need. Your son is young and this is new. As an aparent who had an open adoption with my daughter's bmom who disappeared, I can say that it has brought me much sadness and sorrow. I think to myself, did I do something? Did I say something? Did I make it harder for her. Was it me???? Part of me blames myself for her leaving. I wished she could have just talked to me, told me she needed time, allowed me to understand what she was going thru.

We understand that open adoption is hard, especially the first years. But because something is hard doesn't mean that you have to shut the door completely in order to deal with it. Talking and honesty is the only way to make these relationships work. I have lots of speculation as to why my daughter's bmom left, but nothing in her own words, nothing that I can say for sure to our daughter. I don't know if she will return and that bothers me every day. Each time the phone rings, I wonder if it is her. What do I tell my daughter? My daughter see's her bfather, how much longer now until she starts to wonder about her bmother? How do I explain to her that she could have had contact with her but she choose not to. I agee with Brenda that this could be very hard for a child to handle, knowing the door was open yet the bparents choose not to use it.

No one is a superwoman. If you need time now to heal, come to terms with your feelings and get on your feet again, then please tell the aparents so. They will understand, they will support you and most important they will respect you even more for having the courage to talk when the going got hard and not walking away and leaving them hanging.

Wishing you all the best.
Hugs,