[MissSarah]

II am pregnant. It is as you may of assumed from the website, an unplanned pregnancy. I don’t even know where to begin. This isn’t something anyone plans for or even dreams will happen to him or her. I am 21 years old and for the first time in a few years am scared to death of what my parents will think of me.

When I first found out, I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was my boyfriend and family cannot find out about this. I’ve always hated inconveniencing other people. I called the local Planned Parenthood and made an appt for an abortion. I’ve always been politically liberal, so why not? However there was one problem. I couldn’t do this alone. I finally told my boyfriend. He was very supportive. He doesn’t view abortion in any light as a good thing, so when I told him what I wanted to do and was ok with it, that meant a lot even though I know he was still against it. As the day approached, we both started to fight about little things, things that didn’t matter. The night before we both freaked out on each other. He was still opposed to the abortion and I it turns out was too. I couldn’t abort this child because it was unplanned. It was my fault not its. So we made a pack that night. We were going to not go ahead with the abortion and instead we were going to look at adoption.

I knew right away, I was going to have a ruff time. I had a job that paid ok however there were no benefits. I had left my past job, a job with excellent benefits, for a job that paid more because well I don’t go to the doctors office all that much. So was something I was going to need to fix… and fast. I eventually, meaning just now found a job that has benefits and pay excellent. So as of Monday I will have benefits that I can use and will go see a doctor. So everything should be fine right??? Nope.

I haven’t told anyone but my boyfriend. My father and Stepmother are very judgmental. My twin sister had an unplanned pregnancy about two years ago. When she called my dad from the hospital, he didn’t take the news well; in fact to this day he hasn’t really forgiven her for “ruining her life”. I have already disappointed my Dad when I left the university. I wasn’t ready for college, however that was a blow to my Dad. He took it personally. I’ve worked so hard to have a “good” relationship with this man and yet I’ve done something again that will end it. My boyfriend and I were planning on saving our money and moving, so we would have to tell anyone. He doesn’t care what his family thinks however I come from such a large family that keeps tabs on everyone’s business… that something like this would cause me to have a scarlet letter forever. My family doesn’t forget….and they make that known. However with the poor economy and find a place to live… I’ve come to terms that moving is not possible. I am scared to death… my Dad is going literally freak out.

So now I am back at the start. I will finally be able to see the doctor. I am now living in baggie clothes until the due date and I need to find a family. I want a family that wants an open adoption. I am unable to find a website that fits what I am looking for. I don’t want this child to ever think I didn’t love them. This is the hardest thing I will ever have to do and even though my boyfriend is great, he just doesn’t understand. I don’t know what to do.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well when I first started thinking about adoption, i looked on line and it was very overwhelming....there were SO many people... I got out the phone book and chose an agency with a Local number. It was a very small NP agency. I felt a lot more comfortable dealing with them face to face...than trying to pick from pages on the internet. You may want to try that....choosing a local agency.

In the mean time ((HUGS)) for what you are going through. And whether you parent or not...congratulations on your baby!!!!

Christine

[cynthia900]

Hi Sarah,

I am not a birthmom so I cannot know what you are going through but I am an adoptive mom so maybe I can help with some of your stress.

I am sorry that your parents are not more supportive of you - If you were my daughter I would not be happy about your unplanned pregnancy but I would be proud of the mature way you have handled it so far and you should try to feel good about that yourself. Since your twin sister has been through this already maybe she can be of some support and help to you. And it sounds like your boyfriend is there for you too - that is great but I know what you mean about how he doesn't understand.

You seem certain about adoption but you might want to get some counselling if there are any doubts in your mind or just to help you think through your adoption choices objectively. I would be happy to help you find someone if you would like.

It must be overwhelming to try to pick the right parents for your baby - maybe if you think about what is most important for you (and your boyfriend of course) it will help in narrowing the field. For example what are the five things that the family must have for you to be comfortable. You mention that you want the baby to always know they were loved - so your choice of open adoption is a good one. And that is an obvious place to start your list - but what else are you looking for ?

What is it you are looking for in an agency that you can't find. I have researched lots of agencies so maybe I can give you some suggestions....

If you want to talk more, just pm me and I'd be happy to help you.

Cynthia

[Kindreds]

Sarah - It sounds as though you are living your life for your family. This is your life, not theirs. You can live your life any way you want to. If you love this baby, then consider parenting her. It is time that you take some responsibility for your own life. You have created a child. She only wants to be with you and no one else. Any other person will only be second best to you. You have never been able to satisfy your father, now you are going to offer up your baby to try to satisfy his needs as well! Girl - start some soul searching right now. You will never "get over" giving up your baby. Your life is forever changed. You will always be your child's mother whether you raise this child or not. You sound like a very intelligent woman - why you found a job with benefits becasue you had to. Quite a feat in my mind.

[LouiseT]

Sarah-
i think you are handling your situation in a very mature manner. I just wanted to respectfully comment on something Kindred said. Kindred stated that your baby only wants to be with you and no one else, and that any other person will only be second best.

My intention here is not to pick apart anyone's comments - I just wanted you to know that IF you decide on adoption, do not feel that your child will never be truly happy without you parenting him or that he will view his adoptive parents as second best. Of course you are always his mother, but in the right home, he can live a happy and full life. Adoption can be a wonderful experience for everyone involved. I just didn't want you to feel guilty if you did choose adoption.

Best Wishes-
Louise

[Robinsmom]

Sarah,
The last post is right, if you are alreay doubting adoption, don't do it. Even with an open adoption, you will not be this baby's mother, someone else will. They will get the honor of seeing first steps and first words. Follow your heart, if you don't want to be a mom, then by all means, find your baby a good home, if you do want to be a mom, then forget about what your parents want, and love your baby. Your family seems like they only want to deal with perfect children, there is no such thing. They either love you for who you are, or they don't really love you. I can not imagine not loving my grandchild, and she was born out of wedlock, to my 19 year old daughter. Her life has been fine. Please, don't make up your mind, until you hold that child, I really think that you want to keep it, and it will brake your heart, if you don't at least give it a try. I am telling you all of this because, I like you had an unplanned pregnancy, I ended up giving my daughter up, I never got over it, and it took me 28 years to find her again. I know its not easy, and it seems like your whole world in turning upside down, but a baby is always a blessing, no matter how they came about. Don't you ever let anybody tell you any different.

Colleen

[Drewsmommy]

Hi Sarah,

First, take a deep breath. I don't know if you realise that you don't have to decide if adoption is right for you until AFTER you have your baby. Your situation may change. I can't imagine a baby ever 'ruins' someone's life.
Lives change paths EVERYDAY. You have options, look further into them.
If you plan to keep your baby, plan in that direction. Breast feeding is cheaper than formula, get on the WIC program, find friends who have had children and get hand me downs, etc...

Now, if you come to a point and you feel adoption is what you feel is best, ask yourself why? And ask yourself if you are ready to be separated from your child for those reasons. Like someone else said, you will still be your baby's mother whether you raise her or not.

After all of that, if you still think adoption is for you, by then, you probably will have looked into agencies, been getting links and advice from many different people.
You are in one of the most difficult positions one can be in. I truly wish you the best on whatever you decide.

I was once in the potential adoptive parent position. LONG story, but I learned SO much about what a potential birth mom goes through. As much as I wanted a baby, I felt horrible being the one to seperate a mom from her baby. By the grace of G-d, I gave birth to my son. I will tell you that a baby is ALWAYS a miracle, even though some would have you think a baby will ruin your life, or be an inconveinence.

Angie