[BeckysMoM]

I have been reading the posts on here and first of i wish i would of had this 16 years ago when i put my little girl up for adoption..As a Natural Mother (BirthMother) myself it breaks my heart to read of all the moms strugglening on here with the decision ...And wow what a decision it is a decision we have only 9 months to debate on yet it lasts the rest of our lives .. and trust me on that.. No matter what you decide you will deal with it for the rest of your life ..Not a day goes by that i dont wonder about my little girl who is now almost 16 years old and the heart ache it has caused me over the years ..I was 16 when i had her so my parents had alot of say in her adoption out ...Its amazening actually how many people are there giving you advice when your pregnant how supportive people are to you till those papers are signed ...Trust me on this one .. But 10 years later you have to deal with this on your own .. Now i have gone on with my life been married 11 years now have three beautiful children .. but that doesnt mask the pain of loss of what if ..but you go on but you never heal ...Dont let anyone tell you you will get over it or heal or time will make it better .. you learn to deal with it , you talk to people about it , but you never forget ..so make your decisions wisely .. ask for help talk to mothers who have done it.. the ones who are searching 16 years later frantically for closure of some kind ...there are some great web sites out there too if you need to talk to anyone .. feel free to talk to me .. i belong to some wonderful birthmother support groups online ... =) And remember the decision you make will be tramatic and you will deal with it for the rest of your life ...

[missingmyboy]

Women need to be educated about adoption in order to make an informed decision yes. However you make adoption sound like it could never be good. Most of the women who place today hopefully won't have to search 16 yrs from now as that is what open adoptions are partly about. I am well aware that not all "open" adoptions stay open so please don't throw that one at me. I am a birthmom who is university educated (before I ever placed my babe). I have had 2 unplanned pregnancies in my life and I dealt with each one differently. My first child is now almost 16 and I have raised him alone since day one. My second son was placed in an open adoption.

You know there is much pain for young single moms who struggle with their kids for yrs and cannot provide the kind of life they wish for their child too. I do not mean only financially. Especially when the child's "father" cannot bother to "be a father" to his child.

I dislike the kind of post that is above as it attempts to scare women into parenting their babies. We should not parent out of fear. We should parent bc we feel that is the best for our situation or place for adoption bc we feel that is best for our situation. If we let fear guide all our decisions then we would never leave the house bc God forbid you could get run over and die today.

Shelley

[BeckysMoM]

Oh I wasn't saying it to scare anyone it is to make them think. Now i agree with you that thank Gof there is open adoption today and the ** can work with the AP.. My post and let me be clear on this is the straight truth Not all parents will take it so hard .. And if Adoption works for you then so be it .. there are alot of great couples out there waiting for a child ..But ** need to know because many are told that the pain will go away or they can't do it .. or they have no one to talk too .. You jumped to quick on my post .. Are we as ** not allowed to say hmm maybe it was wrong maybe it was the easy way out what if ?? We give the most beautiful gift in allowing our children to be adopted .. But facts are that many mothers dont have a choice or dont think they do ..And its not always the right decision ...for everyone involved ..

[missingmyboy]

I didn't "jump to quick". I gave my honest opinion as you did. I totally agree with you that if your parents made you place then you didn't make the decision and that so sucks! The decision is hard enough to make and live with when one does make a fully informed decision, let alone if you don't. I also totally agree that adoption is not for everyone. Just as parenting is not for everyone. I think that anyone with half a brain can figure out that "nothing" is for everyone. I like chocolate ice cream and you like strawberry ~ so be it. That is the way the world should work. I also believe that any women who considers adoption for her baby has "thought" about it a great deal. I just like women to know all the facts and not just make such huge decisions based on fear. Yes, adoption can be absolutely wonderful for us and our children. Yes, adoption could be a living hell for us and our children. Just like anything else in life. I assume the women who are on this site are educating themselves just by being here and that is a good thing.

Shelley

[Missy M]

Sorry but I have to agree with Shelley on this one. It isn't fair to assume that women, especially women in this forum aren't making informed carefully thought decisions before placing. Yes there are some who are being forced/pressured to place by the influence of parents and others in that role, but I doubt their are many who will read your post and have a revelation that says there might be a better option. Open adoption has helped reduce the "wondering" and "what-if's" that B-moms like myself were forced to endure years ago. The system is by no means perfect, but it is better.
BTW: I for one never expected to "go on and heal" or have the pain completely "go away" just as I don't expect the pain of loosing my Mom to cancer will ever completly "go away." I loved her; its OK to hurt over not having her but I don't spend hours grieving like I did the week or even the first year of loosing her. Time and life goes on and it does in fact "get better." Obviously you did "get better," in time since you were able to marry and have other kids. I am more confused than anything by your post.... what message are you trying to convey? Surely you don't propose that pregnant woman NOT consider adoption because of the pain are you? I for one didn't select adoption because it was the least painful option, or the option I'd be most likely to forget, I selected it because it was in the best interest of my daughter. I did it for her. IMO
the "healing" you speak of having "never happened" did in fact happen; but healing doesn't mean forgetting. Its not a situation that you can walk away from unchanged.
You posted:
"We give the most beautiful gift in allowing our children to be adopted .. But facts are that many mothers dont have a choice or dont think they do ..And its not always the right decision ...for everyone involved ..

I want to respond that I didn't give my daughter as a gift; I am not that generous...I didn't "allow her to be adopted" as a charitable act; I was a pregnent teenager unable to parent her so I placed her with an agency that located parents who could. It wasn't about a couple needing a baby it was about my baby needing parents and food, shelter, security, education, and all the other things that I at 16 couldn't offer her. Despite what you believe, it wasn't a beautiful gift-giving moment and I didn't do it to make some P-A-parents that I didn't even know happy. If that in fact is the way you veiw adoption then why would you be so heart broken for 16 years? Hello, reality check....
Adoption was without a doubt the best decision for my daughter and thats what mattered to me. Even at 16 I realized the seriousness of the situation and I weighed my options and made the best choice based on the needs of my daughter; I didn't base it on what would make me worry less and heal faster. MissyM

[FL_GirlByProxy]

Hi everybody,

Can I put in my 2 cents here? I am a birthmom of a 19 year old son, closed adoption, not yet reunited. I pray that someday we will know each other again. I was coerced into giving up my son, was not given the option of an open adoption, and thus I have no idea if he is safe, healthy or happy. For this reason, I am overjoyed to see open adoption, and more overjoyed when both birthmoms and adoptive parents honor the open agreements that were initially worked out.

I'm going to make some assumptions, if thats okay. Beckysmom, I believe, is in a similar situation, closed adoption, and for some reason her grief over the loss of her child is hitting her intensely at this particular moment. Also, I believe that the pressure from her family was so intense that this was not her decision. (I was pressured so much to first abort that I was afraid to eat at home, afraid someone would put something in my food.) Then, the pressure for adoption was levied so hard, it was really insurmountable, and the adoption was not truly my decision. I also married and I have 2 more children. I decided that I needed to be happy, that I deserved it, and I've tried my best. As I've watched my other children grow before my eyes, I realize I am truly blessed. However, there is a sense of heartache that hits me like a bullet. This growth and love is something I have not had with my first child. The simplest thing, such as going out for a family day, can trigger these feelings of intense grief.

Right now, I am 38 years old, and dealing with grief that is just unbelievable. I am on antidepressants for the 1st time in my life, and will be starting therapy next week. After all this time, why is this happening now? I'll find out, I hope.

I can understand the biggest point that BeckysMom is trying to make. Her advise is for anyone considering adoption to really think and be sure of her decision. I wish that I had been stronger and more able to stand up to my family. I did not want to give up my child.

I've read the posts following hers from Shelley and MissyM. It's great that you are at peace with your decisions. That's the way adoption is supposed to work. I am truly happy for your peace of mind.

BeckysMom, hang in there. PM me anytime, and I'll respond ASAP. I think our situations are quite similar. I hope that my assumptions did not offend you, I just felt the need to speak in your defense. I hope you find a way to deal with this pain, and yes, I was also told it would go away or decrease. I think everyone from the closed adoption era knows that this is not the case. I sure do.
Peace,
LeeAnn

[snow princess]

MIssing -

Women need to be educated about adoption in order to make an informed decision yes. However you make adoption sound like it could never be good

Wow I have read and reread Beckys post and didnt see where she was telling anyone to NOT place their child for adoption - the only thing I saw was a woman posting her feelings and letting others know what is out there for assistance and information. Placing a child for adoption is tough as all bmoms know, but not all Pbmoms are aware of the programs out there for assistance in raising your child instead of placing. I dont see a thing wrong with noting that fact in the forums.

MissyM

Obviously you did "get better," in time since you were able to marry and have other kids.

I dont understand that comment at all - I went on the get married but I dont understand the reference to "obvously you did"get better" - I dont see where getting married and/or having other children constitutes getting better. or what "getting better" in reference to placing a child means !

Women need to be educated about adoption in order to make an informed decision yes. However you make adoption sound like it could never be good

Leann

I can understand the biggest point that BeckysMom is trying to make. Her advise is for anyone considering adoption to really think and be sure of her decision. I wish that I had been stronger and more able to stand up to my family. I did not want to give up my child.

I am sorry for your emotional grief and totally understand - my son is 25-1/2 and I never "got better" , the hurt, the missing, the worry and wondering NEVER goes away. I pray for peace of mind for all bmoms !

As Seacritter2 put it :

We may sail in different directions, but we're all in the same boat.

my best wishes for all of you !
mary

[condetti123]

Thank you Leeann and Snowy. I was wondering when someone was going to come to defend Beckysmom a little. I cannot believe the assumptions that the other two posters have posted. Although, now realizing that they both most likely have open adoptions and were given more options to consider and most likely have updates on how their children are doing. It upsets me to no end when I see people who have been offered and blessed with open adoptions criticize and assume what us birthmoms with closed adoptions feel and have dealt with over the years. I do not know how anyone could make the assumption that people have moved on with their life and forgot or even gotten over the pain and guilt just because they got married and had kids. I guess that is really all that I should say right now as I am not sure that I should get more involved in a conversation with any birthmoms that definitely have no idea what it is like to have a closed adoption and know that you were forced to make the decision with no other means of help for you to even consider keeping your child. And to not know that open adoption even existed or be told of other options other than just giving your child away and never knowing if you will ever see or hear about them again. Thanks Leeann and Snowy for standing up for us birthmoms that did not have a choice. Hugs to all birthmoms who understand and even the ones that have totally different situations that do not have insight or understanding on some of our relinguishments of our children that keep us in pain, guilt and concern over the years.

[seacritter2]

Quote:
“I can understand the biggest point that BeckysMom is trying to make. Her advise is for anyone considering adoption to really think and be sure of her decision. I wish that I had been stronger and more able to stand up to my family. I did not want to give up my child.”

Quote:
“Wow I have read and reread Beckys post and didnt see where she was telling anyone to NOT place their child for adoption - the only thing I saw was a woman posting her feelings and letting others know what is out there for assistance and information. Placing a child for adoption is tough as all bmoms know, but not all Pbmoms are aware of the programs out there for assistance in raising your child instead of placing. I dont see a thing wrong with noting that fact in the forums.”

Leann and Mary: You echoed my thoughts and feelings. I am a birthmother in a closed adoption, my son will be 27 this month. Yes, I too have gone on to live a productive, happy life. I do not sit around and wallow in grief. I have been blessed enough to be able to reunite with my birthson through phone calls, and one photo. But for 26 and ¾ years, I suffered. I ached. I longed. I wondered. I worried. I cried. I grieved. Again, I have led a very productive life, I am successful by most people’s definition, most importantly my own, but my soul has never been same since being forced to place my son.

MissyM, and Shelley, with all due respect, please, please understand, and take notice, Beckysmom is new here, and is in pain. Support and understanding is what she seems to be looking for and needing. I am chastised enough in the “outside” world about how placing my son was the “best thing”. Here, on these forums, is the one place I come, and truly learn to heal. And my healing is due in large part by other women, amom’s and bmom’s alike, who understand and validate my pain, not chastise me for feeling it.

Beckysmom, I’m here for you. I understand and feel your pain.

Love, Sandy

[Decision]

I completely understand BeckysMom's outlook I to share these feelings.
There is no "getting better" after an adoption loss/relinquishment.
I went on to have three children after the loss of my first son.
I in no way "got better". It was more that I was trying to replace the one I lost by having more. It was not until my fourth child that I realized that you cannot replace something so precious.My first child reigns supreme in my heart and soul and will until the day I die. Yes my life does go on because I am a strong woman, one who now understands the grief and trauma associated with the loss of my son.
Yes single mother hood is a terrifying and often painful experience.
I would change my status in a milla-second if this would allow me to raise my first son.
With any loss there is a need to grieve. The majority does not allow for natural mothers to do this. Often adoption is portrayed to be benificial to all parties. The pain of loss/relinquishment is not voiced and we are left to deal with the pain on our own.
Abeit adoption laws are changing and there is counceling available most times. Still many of these councelors are using the same old coersive techniques...though subtle now.
losing/relinquishing a child for adoption is trauma in the first degree. Our mind and body was equipped to deal with the woes and joy of motherhood at the birth of our children, when denied this the mind suppress's these thoughts/feelings until such a time were we can better deal with it.
Yes there is pain in life, it is through this pain that we learn. Pain through adoption is almost always avoidable, with the right support systems in place most mothers would be able to raise their children..even at young ages.
I lived with suppressed memories for 12 years of my son life. I thought that adoption was the most wonderous thing, I truly believed that I was a savior in the eyes of his adoptive parents.
That is until I had a full emotional breakdown and was able to recover all memories of my sons birth and subsequent adoption.
The grief does last a lifetime.
I completely disagree with the statuates and laws involving adoption. A mother considering relinquishing her child should first be allowed to try mothering. in the event she still feels incompetent then the child can be placed in adoption.
An expectant mother does not have the ability to make an informed decision (unless the expectant mother is already mothering)
Adoption should not be an intellectual proccess. Mothering is about emotions and feeling. An expectant mother is not fully prepared until her child is born and he/she is in her arms.
Adoption does cause trauma, in the natural mother and in the child. You cannot seperate one from the other without understanding the cause and effect first.
If one has the ability to understand this cause and effect they are better equipped to deal with the adoptee, in the case of the natural mother her mind will have the ability to understand the trauma.
We do not live in a perfect world, there will always be mothers who cannot parent and children who do need homes.
Adoption does need a sever overhaul. Everyone involved in the adoption proccess must strive to learn the cause and effect, saying this is not going to happen to me or happen to my child is ignoring the facts,denying us the ability to grieve. ALL parties involved in adoption ( besides the brokers) must allow themselves to grieve, the adoptive parent for the biological child the will never have, the natural mother for the child she will never raise, and the adoptee who has suffered before he/she could speak, the loss of his/her mother.
JMHO
Hugs
Melissa

[RiverGal]

I am a birthmother who elinquished in the early '70's. I can't honestly say what I felt over the years was "grief," but more like a longing for someone gone from my life. There were periods, or moments of grief, and somewhat of an impending sadness that plagued me on certain dates...still does...but I think of grief as what I felt when I buried my young husband, or what Missy felt losing her precious mother to cancer...something with no happy recourse...ever. If anything, I felt anger at a system that just doesn't "get it."

While adoption might not have been the best thing for ME, I have never doubted it was the best thing for my child, which was the objective. I never "put it behind me," as I was told to do; rather, I "put it in front of me." I found great comfort in knowing that one day I would be able to find her, to assure myself that I did the right thing for her.

Missingmyboy ~ with all due respect, your adoption is a dream next to the years of not knowing squat about your child. It's like comparing apples to oranges...both are fruit, but the buck stops there. Sometimes a little gentleness cn go a long way when someone is in pain, as BeckysMom certainly appears to be.

There is much happiness in my life, but still a piece of me is missing. When I came here, I was still very angry. Through the right "education" I have worked through the bulk of that...it was through understanding and sharing thoughts with like minds that I have a much healthier outlook.

BeckysMom, there are many people here who understand. You seem to be searching for a place where you can ground yourself and start "healing'...I hope this will be the right place for you

(((HUGS))) and welcome!

~Deb

PS~this may be as clear as mud...it's hard to express 32 years of morphed feelings in a mere few lines.

[missingmyboy]

Ladies I never said that I do not understand the pain of adoption or the extreme pain of women who placed in closed adoptions. I know I could not have placed in a closed adoption as I would not be able to live with the not knowing and wondering where and how my child is doing. That would incredibly painful and I imagine that it would intensify the grief in some ways. I am so sorry for all the women who have to live with the unknown. I am also so sorry for those women who were forced and not able to truely make the choice of adoption or not for their child. I did say that in my other post that it is awful that beckysmom was forced. I do feel her pain.

My point was the i would think that any women considering adoption would have thought about it a great deal before actually placing their child for adoption. It just seemed to me that Beckysmom was basically saying that women need to "think" before placing, like that isn't already happening! I have not made an assumptions in my posts but I dislike when people assume that pbmoms are not in pain or wouldn't realize that placing a child for adoption would cause great pain, which seems to be implied in the first post.

I would be the first to give Beckysmom a hug if I was with her. I am in no way bashing her. I was just stating that not all adoptions are the wrong choice or are negative.

It is correct that my son's adoption is a dream come true compared to many others. First of all, it is 2004 and part of what I was trying to say is that adoptions do not have to be closed anymore and this helps bmoms with their grief in some ways. Sure we still grieve and in some ways open adoptions prolong grief too because every visit is a vivid reminder that we are not the parents of our babies. It hurts when we see that we cannot comfort our baby but his amom can instantly. However I would not pass this up for anything because at least I don't have to wonder where is my baby and is he well and who are his parents? I am so thankful for this. Women who place today, for the most part, have the opportunity for open adoptions so they really cannot be compared to closed adoptions because they truly are not the same.

However my son's adoption did not turn out to be all that it is without much work and education on my part and on the part of his aparents. My first match fell through and at the time I was devestated. However looking back I am so thankful that it did and that I knew what I wanted for my child and heeded warning signs that scared me. During my second search I went in search of a couple who REALLY really really wanted an open adoption and were not just giving mouth service to this concept. I thank God that I did find such a couple. Both my children and myself are very blessed to have our situation be all that it is.

This does not mean there is no pain. I have cried myself to sleep and woke up crying the very next morning. I have experience the grief that is paralizing.

I am in no way saying placing your baby for adoption is easy or pain free as it is not. As I stated in my other post, adoption is not for everyone. I also stated that women need to make fully informed decisions and this means knowing the good and the bad. I believe women on this site see the stories on both sides. They see even more of the bad stories as many women who have wonderful adoption stories to tell often don't seek out such sites. Believe me I was absolutely terrified when I was pregnant that the aparents I chose could go back on their word and close the adoption on me. I spent my entired pregnancy researching adoption and talking to many many bmoms. I was in more emotional pain while pregnant then I am now as I really struggled with the "what ifs". What if I chose the wrong couple and they close the adoption on me? I was in pain that I felt the best choice for my baby was for him to be adopted and not raised by me. It pains me that my sons will not grow up raised in the same home and truly have the kind of relationship they would if raise togehter.

Sure I still wish I could have parented him and I could have but he would not have had the life I wanted for him. I am so thankful that I get to see that he now has the life I wanted for him. It warms my heart. I agree with Missy that I did not place my child as a gift for anyone. I didn't go in search of people I did not know to give them a gift. I placed my baby for adoption because that was what was best for him. It is an added bonus that I have come to love his aparents and that I can smile when I see how overjoyed they are to have the opportunity to be parents after 12 years of marriage and dreaming for years for a child. This does make me happy but it is not why I chose adoption.

I don't think we need to be "fighting". As I was not jumping on Beckysmom. I was just saying that there are two ways adoptions can work out and they are not all bad. Open adoptions that are truly open are also very different then closed adoptions.

(((Beckysmom)))

Shelley

[missingmyboy]

I also want to say that I never chastised anyone for feeling their pain. I feel that pain too. No one who places a baby for adoption goes without pain. Somehow I think we all know that.

Shelley

[missingmyboy]

Melissa I absolutely love your post! Very well put.

Shelley

[seacritter2]

I’m not fighting… I was only trying to point out that looks to me like Beckysmom just joined this site today, that was her second post and she posted under the birthmother SUPPORT forum. I guess chastised wasn’t the best word… Condescending? Self-Righteous?

“I am well aware that not all "open" adoptions stay open so please don't throw that one at me.”

“I think that anyone with half a brain can figure out that "nothing" is for everyone. I like chocolate ice cream and you like strawberry ~ so be it.”

“If that in fact is the way you veiw adoption then why would you be so heart broken for 16 years? Hello, reality check.…”

I second Deb, gentleness can go a long way. I’m not trying to spark a debate. Pain is pain. However, if I had started a thread that had obviously good intentions, and was discussing how much pain I was in placing my child, and the first two people who replied basically said, “duh”, I doubt I’d post again. Not all of us heal at the same pace, nor do we find our peace at the same pace. And if I were a perspective birthmother on these forums, I would want to hear every birthmother’s experiences, the good and the bad. JMO

Respectfully,

Sandy