[lisa191]

I'm starting this thread to ask other bmothers there reasons for giving their child up for adoption. When I first was considering adoption I kept saying the same phrase: I can't take care of this child and so I will give her up. Then I looked around at other young birthmothers and realized that if I REALLY wanted to there would always be a way to take care of this child. Even if it meant delaying college for a few more years, or not doing the things I used to enjoy, like traveling. I knew that no matter what I COULD definately take care of this child. This made me feel like the worst person ever. That I was only thinking of myself and my future. So then I thought about all my options if I kept my baby. Like living in a group home, living with my sister. Something was possible. Now I realize that it is possible and that my age nor education have anything stopping me from keeping this baby.. Then I thought.. well, I still don't want to take care of this baby. I imagine myself in 18 years when she will come find me and ask the question WHY? I'll have 18 years to have thought this over, but I almost feel like nothing will be able to come out of my mouth that could sound like a "good enough excuse." So many people say things like, oh man, all my excuses seemed so lame and superficial after I actually gave my child up. I totally regret it because now the only thing that is important is my baby, and having her/him in my arms. So now I wonder if my excuse is reasonable. Will I go back and say, wow, I was just scared and now I made a choice out of fear, the fear that will drive me for the rest of my life. Whenever I tell people that I am giving my child up for adoption they always ask why? I always wait for awhile to reply because I'm not even sure why I want to. I guess my "exuse," or "reason" is because I AM scared. Being a mother is soo much responsibility and you can not perform it at only 50%. If you are going to be a mom you have to do it at 100% no matter what. Children don't deserve any less than this. I guess I am so afraid I'll be responsible for ruining a child's life, MY child that is. I was reading some threads on how adoptees feel depressed and unattached from the rest of the world.. If I place my child up for adoption then I could be ruining her life that way too.. The closer it comes to my due date the more I start to think like a mother and less like a selfish teenager.. however, I am so afraid that I'll make a decision and realize afterward I was only making excuses. I guess I'm wondering if there is a "good" or "reasonable" excuse. If we are making our decision truly for the wellbeing of the child or if we are still thinking in terms of not wanting to be a parent. Also... this is kind of off the topic, but to any adoptees out there.. I was told by a friend of mine that because I was 19, meaning young, that the adoptee will of course not feel saddened by being adopted because they'll understand that because I was young I obviously was not as prepared as any aparents. I kind of disagree but am still wondering from the adoptee perspective if age plays a part in your acceptance of being adopted. In comparison between someone who is 25 and 19 for example...
ok, thank you so much, I hope I made some sense and I would love to hear from people!

[hoping4one]

Hello Lisa,
I am a mom (3 grown daughters) so I cannot give you the perspective you asked for - but your post was so full of questions - and love - that I felt compelled to give you my 2 cents. My youngest daughter gave birth 9 months ago. She is single and could not support her little girl for 5 months - so I stepped in and took care of her baby while she "got her act together." My daughter lived about 1/2 away and her baby lived with me. I do not regret it - but I can see that she is not prepared for motherhood. Did I want her to give her daughter up for adoption? I think not - but that is the grandma in me talking. Should she of? I think so. While my gr-dtr is not neglected and is loved - she'd be far better off with 2 devoted parents instead of a young mom who hasn't learned the full scope of patience yet. (I'm not saying you are patient). But raising a child is SERIOUS SERIOUS business. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently now (I raised my daughters by myself after divorcing their father).

I probably could have kept my little grand-daughter indefinitely had I wanted to - my daughter was "hot" and "cold" about caring for her full time. One night in my prayers I realized that I was not helping my daughter out at all. I may have been helping her baby by providing the security and necessities - but I wasn't making my own daughter responsible for her actions. I packed up the baby and her things and drove to where my daughter lived and turned everything over to her. I cried for 3 days. But it was what was best for my daughter....because she made a choice not to put her up for adoption right after birth.

My daughter is learning how difficult parenting is - but I believe she is coping and managing the best way she can. I don't believe she regrets keeping her daughter but then she has me to run over and pick up the slack for the weekends she wants to party or do her own thing.

Do you have family very close by that could support your decision to keep your child? To me that is they key reason my daughter is able to survive. Otherwise I would wonder if she was capable of parenting at all.

ALL OF US make decisions we end up regretting - it is the bigger person who picks herself up and moves on in spite of what we feel are errors of judgment. So to keep your child - or give up your child - no one can answer but you. I believe every one of your feelings are legitimate.

My husband and I befriended one of the young men that my daughter dated. Even after their relationship ended, this young man continues to be close to us. He was adopted. When he turned 21, I helped him find his birthmother. In his deepest feelings, he did not hold anything against her for giving him up. In fact, he loves her more for it. He has a great set of adoptive parents and now enjoys a relationship with is bio-mom and 1/2 brother.

My husband and I realized that we have so much left in our lives to give another child so we are looking at international adoption. Primarily because domestic infant adoptions won't consider parents who already have children - especially since my husband is so much younger than me. We cherish the times we can spend with our grand-daughter.

I hope you find peace. Knowing your child is in good hands with a set of parents who have only been able to DREAM of having a baby is a gift that only God can provide....through you. OR - deciding to keep your child and worrying about what mistakes you will make .... well, even 2 parent families worry about those things. Smile....you have life to live...and give. God bless you always. --gwen

[michellemartin]

I knew I "could" parent if I chose to. But I was thinking about the baby's life if I did. Even though I will always love her, I didnt want to be her mommy. I didnt want to put all the effort into raising a second child. I have a 6 year old and definitely know how rough and wonderful it can be at the same time. I wanted her to have parents that wanted to be there 24 hours a day- I only have my daughter 4 days a week and her dad has her the other 3. So with my older one I dont have her all the time so when I do I devote all my time to her. I dont know if I would have been a good mom even for her if she were with me every day. I fear that some day I will have to find a good reason for why also. I think I will say that I couldnt do my best at that time for you. Even though placing was the best thing for you at that time in my life it was the best thing for me also. I wasnt ready to be a mom again (and dont think I will ever be ready to be a mom again). I dont think you have to say I was to young or not enough money, just not being ready is enough.

[kay_b]

Lisa,
I am a bmom who gave her son up 26 years ago. I was 17 when I got pregnant, and I just want you to know that I feel your pain, your indecision, everything you are feeling is what I felt. When I gave my son up, it was a closed adoption, and I felt that I had no right to look for him. I have wondered about and loved him for all these years. Your options and your rights are so much more with open adoption than at the time I had to make that decision.
Do I feel that I made the right one? It is a question that I have and will continue to ask myself everyday.
He contacted me recently, and it has been a wonderful reunion, and he loves his aparents very much, but we are starting a wonderful relationship after all these years. He is a awesome caring individual that did have some issues with being adopted, but most of those from what he has told me is in the NOT KNOWING.
For me, it was the not knowing as well. If you decide that you do feel that giving your baby up is the best decision for your child, again your options are so much greater than mine.
No matter what anyone tells you, I agree that the decision is truly yours. Any bmom that reads your message will relate to everything that you say, and all I can say is that my thoughts are with you as you make your decision.
Kay

[KeepinTheFaith4]

Lisa,
I am not a birthmom, but I was seriously considering it when I was 17. I got pregnant with my son at 17. His dad and I were both so young and I didn't know what to do. My friends were all going to go to college, do traveling and I didn't really know if I wanted to be tied down at home just watching them do the things that I wanted to do. Actually, I had planned that I was going to form an adoption plan. I felt what everyone else has said... it's what's best for the baby, what kind of life can I offer a baby at 17, I just want the baby to have a better life than I can provide. I prayed a lot about this. I just wanted to do what was best for *me* in *my* situation. Everyone is different. Everyone has different comfort levels, family support, etc. In the end, I decided to parent. I have no regrets. I wanted to address wha you said about not being a mom 50%, you have to be 100%. When I decided to parent, I made a promise to my son that I would do whatever it took to give him the best life I could. I knew then it was my lifelong committment to my son, and that was something I could handle doing.. even if it meant that my life would change. I worked my butt off to get through school and graduated in half the time. I did everything that i needed to do to give him the life he deserved. I still had my friends.. yes, some did blow me off after the baby but I was able to see who my *real* friends were. I was still able to have a social life, but it was just a different social life. My friends would come and watch a movie with me and the baby, or I would go to their house with the baby and some days my mom would babysit so I could get out. You learn to adjust your life and make sacrifices. Please don't think of what you are feeling as excuses... it's what your heart is telling you. I am a strong believer in following your heart. Ironically now I am on the other side of the adoption triad now. After having our son, I married his dad a few years later after we were able to get our lives in order, finish school, get our careers, buy a house, etc. We used to laugh about how easy it was going to be to have a sibling for our son... yeah, the laugh was on us. Here we are 7 years later, many infertility treatments, 5 miscarriages, etc and we are adopting. We are just waiting for our match. I often think about if I would have formed an adoption plan for my son if I would have had regrets since we are dealing with infertility now. Hey, you know what they say.. what's meant to be will be. Good luck to you!

[Coley]

As a birthmom, I don't think that I was "making excuses." I had valid reasons (at the time) for placing my son. I knew that his adoptive parents could provide for him things I could not at that time in my life. It wasn't that I didn't want to, didn't try hard enough, or wanted an easy out. Choosing adoption for my bson was the hardest choice I have ever had to make - but it was the best one for him. And putting your child first is what a good mother does, whether she does it while parenting or placing!

~ Coley

[spitzlvr]

I am a 36 year-old adoptee and just found my bMom on May 17th. She was 18 when she had me. She told me she gave me up because she could not give me the kind of life I deserved. I am so thankful to her for 3 reasons...

1. She gave me life.
2. Her unselfish act allowed me to have my parents.
3. She put herself out there so I could find her if I wanted.

Now, from reading this thread, I feel some of you would want me to change #2 to say "selfish". And I won't. She was 18. She deserved to BE 18, not a parent. Note I said 'parent' not 'mother'. She is a mother, and was one when she got pregnant. She made the biggest sacrifice a mother can - she entrusted her child's welfare to another. She knew (at the time) she would NEVER see me again - never know ANYTHING about me. And yet she did it - for me. Not for her!

Now I am lucky enough to get to know her. I don't know if I would have had the courage that she did, as a child of 18. But I am forever grateful she did.

BirthMothers make an impossible choice. To me it is a catch 22 - whatever they do, they will always wonder about the other choice. But that doesn't invalidate their choice. It just shows the love.

BirthMothers - Don't beat yourselves up!

Mary

[blankenb4]

SPITZLVR Thank you for your response. You have put my mind at ease with the choices that I made as an 18 year old and the second guessing that I am now doing at 51 years old. I am a birth mother in search of her birth daughter born June, 1971. I have just recently begun my search. I just want to put my name out there in case my birth daughter may one day search for me. I think about her all the time and I hope that she has the wonderful life that I could not provide her at the time.

[lisa191]

wow, thank you so much for all your responses in such a short time! Your stories help so much. I was thinking about how young parents usually have a bunch of support. If I kept my baby I would not have the support of my mom because she lives so far away from me. However, she does love babies and little kids. My dad has already specifically told me that he would not be in charge of raising my child. I told him that I did not want him to anyway.. which of course is not true.. but definately if he's going to feel this way. I love my dad so much but sometimes I wonder if he even wanted kids of his own. I can tell that even he thinks about what life would have been like if he did not have kids and instead focused on his own goals in life. I never felt this in my dad until recently. He's always been a wonderful father to me but now that I'm old enough I can read through some of his "depression," and find reason to it. I think about my baby and how, if she were to live with me and I showed regret throughout her whole life she would definately feel unwelcomed in this world. When, if I gave her up for adoption she may feel like she was so unwanted that she was tossed away. This IS a catch 22 in so many ways. I was so comforted by the second to the last message on how an adoptee felt years after being adopted. I just wish all of them could be this positive. anyway, thank you again!

[EZ2Luv]

Lisa, first of all I would like to tell you that I can only imagine how torn you must be in having to make this decision. I was adopted as an infant in the days of all close adoption. I grew up in a wonderful, loving, stable, two parent home. I do not know what these other adoptees feel or know about their issues because I was one to never have experienced them. Last year I was faced with a medical situation where I was in need of medical information, so I began to search. Unfortunately my birth mother was deceased so their was no reunion, but had there been I would have thanked her with all my heart for giving me a life she could not provide for me. I was never angry about being adopted because my aparents always made me feel like I was wanted and that my birthmother loved me enough to allow me to have two parents that could give me what she could not at the time. She simply was not in a position to be a parent at the time of my birth. The irony of my situation is that I found out that my birthmother was my amommas younger sister and I knew her all my lifeand was able to love her as an aunt. But even if she were a total stranger, I would still love her or putting what was best for me first.

EZ

[kirst30]

Hi Lisa,


You are doing the right thing by asking all the hard questions now before baby is born. I'm an adoptive mom and sometimes wonder if my son will go through feeling rejected as he gets older. Some adoptees brush right through adolescent years without a hitch and are perfectly happy and totally understand the loving, selfless choice their birthparents made. Other go through a real brooding time. I truly think it depends on the level of openess in the adoption AND how the adoptive parents explain the decision the birthparent made. My son is only two but we already talk about his birthmother and I show him pictures. I like to tell him, "H" would be so pround of you" or "H" would love to see you do that!" I think of her every day even though I haven't heard from her in a while. SHe has since gone back to school and has gotten married.
You say:
I]Being a mother is soo much responsibility and you can not perform it at only 50%. If you are going to be a mom you have to do it at 100% no matter what. Children don't deserve any less than this.[/i]


When people ask you why you are considering adoption, tell them exactly what you stated above so eloquently. This is so true and you are a very insightful person to understand this. That statement shows so much maturity--not lame excuses!

I wish you all the best in your decision.
Kirsten

[79nic]

Lisa,

Hi. I am a birthmom-- my bdaughter, Marie, is turning 3 this month.

I have asked all the same questions you are asking. They are hard questions. There is no definitive answer.

I went through a period recently where I sort of "beat myself up" over placing. I recently had my second child (also a girl). She is 4 months old. She was planned. I started saying to myself, "Why did I give Marie up, only a couple years before getting pregnant with Elise? Was I being totally selfish?"

Know what I decided? That I was looking at it all wrong. Whether or not there were some selfish motivations mixed up with my decision doesn't matter. Marie has a GREAT life. She is loved bucket and buckets by her aparents. She has a little sister. She will grow up knowing me (I chose openness, hoping that this will make her feel less "abandoned").

You said that you can't be a mother 50%. That is so true. I was only ONE YEAR away from graduating college. I was in a committed relationship, and in fact got engaged the summer I placed Marie. Why did I place, when I was SO CLOSE to making it??

I just wasn't ready. Close is not enough. Babies can't wait... they need love and security and commitment RIGHT AWAY, from day one. Yes, I could have kept her. And I would have been a darn good mommy, too-- I know it. But I wasn't QUITE ready. And Matt, my boyfriend (now hubby-- not Marie's bfather) was even less ready to be a father. Marie deserved two parents who were both COMPLETELY ready.

Like I said... don't beat yourself up. If you choose adoption, do your best to find the BEST parents out there for your child. Then, if you have a good life and benefit from placing... don't guilt yourself. Congratulate yourself. And look at your child, and remember that your baby is having a GREAT life, too.

Hugs to you,
Nicole

[AmyRae613]

Lisa,
Hi there! i am a birthmom of 4 months. when i was pregnant...i knew that adoption was the way for me. i didn't want to raise kaylee up on welfare. it was not fair to her for my own selfish desires. i wanted to give her a life that i was not able to provide. i have a very open adoption with the aparents. i see kaylee once a month. whatever you do...it is your descion. like you i went back and forth for awhile to see what i really wanted to do. i wrote out a pros/cons list for both options, then made my descion from that. if i would have kept kaylee...i would have not of met her aparents who are just the two most amazing people in the world.

if you have any other questions...please e-mail me and i will get back to you ask soon as i can. i wish you the best!

[michellemartin]

Whether you decide to place or not I believe you will do what you feel in your heart is best for you AND your child. It can be such a difficult decision and I am so glad that you are thinking about how your choice will affect the future for both you and the baby now. Also try to think about how much openness you want before meeting the aparents so you can find a better match for you if you decide that route.

[emiliesfirstmom]

(((LISA))) - You are in a difficult place, and I know how hard that can be. I was a little older when I placed my daughter in an open adoption. She will be two this summer. Could I have made it work? Probably. Would it have been the best situation for me or for my daughter? No. She would not have had two loving parents who love and adore her and love and adore each other. She would not have had a mom who could stay at home with her. I would not have been able to go to law school. But could we have somehow managed to scrape by? Yes.

I am reminded of an old Chris Rock special I saw not long ago. He was talking about single mothers and how some women see nothing wrong with choosing to become a single mother, stating that they can do it alone. He said, "just because you can do something doesn't make it a good idea." I think that is such a true statement. I could have kept Emilie, but it would not have been a good idea.

Will SHE think adoption was a good idea? I hope so. I'll find out years from now. I hope that when she is older, she is able to tell me that she agrees with my decision and that she's had a good childhood. Whether she ends up happy about the adoption or not, I have to tell her - I made the decision I thought was best for both of us.

For the record, I have no regrets about choosing adoption. I love my daughter, and I love her adoptive parents.