[Catherine20]

Right now, everything is starting to hit me kinda hard. My son, Charles, was born on 01-29-04... and up until now I've been handling the decision I made with a smile on my face knowing I did what was best for my son... but now... I'm not doing so well.

As a way to speak out, I'd like to share my sons adoption story. His older sister was placed for adoption in 2001, and it's an open adoption. However, Charlie's adoption is closed.

So here's his story...

A little over two years after the birth of my daughter, I found out once again that I was pregnant. This time I didn't need a doctors confirmation. I knew in the depths of my heart that I was pregnant. I also knew that I was going to be having a little boy. All the doctors did was provide me with a piece of paper confirming both facts! Having just left an extremely dangerous and abusive relationship, I decided that in order to protect my unborn son, that adoption was going to once again be best.

During this pregnancy is when I got in touch with BMB's! And not only did I get in touch with them I was also living less than two hours from one of the founders, Coley! We rapidly created a bond, and I finally gained the courage and asked Coley to be present during the birth of my son. I wanted someone on my side there with me this time. I didn't want to be surrounded by adoption agency people and lawyers... I wanted FRIENDS there... People who were there for MY best interests.

Just eight days before his older sisters third birthday,I remember calling Coley at 230am in the morning on the 29th of January. We all knew this day had been coming, but they had just admitted me into the hospital. I wasn't really having any contractions, but I was dialated to 4+cm. I know I woke her up, but Coley didn't let me down. Within two hours thanks to her wonderful friend Holly *Thanks Holly!*, she was walking in the door of my hospital room with a smile on her face ready to get this show on the road. I grinned back, and we settled in for what we thought was going to be a long ride.

The doc had came in around 6am, and told us all that it was going to be a long day, and he expected that we would probably have a child by the end of the day. The first thought that came into my mind was "OH NO! Not another LOONNNGGG labor!" However, I told the doctor that it would be great it my son arrived before 3pm. He laughed and told me if I was lucky.

FINALLY around 1030am my labor actually started. I was a little uncomfortable and they gave me a shot... I fell asleep and woke up at 12pm to some pretty dang strong contractions. By this time, the director of the adoption agency was walking in the door with a smile on her face also... We laughed and talk for a few minutes... and as she continued to smile, suddently I wasn't smiling any longer! In fact, rapidly my contractions became less than a minute apart almost instantly. They jumped from being 6-8 mins to 1 minute apart with no warning.

They called for the epidural, but by then I already knew it was too late. They actually had me preped for the epi when someone suggested they check me. And once again, I was right... it was too late! That's right... I was informed that at 12:34pm I was going to deliver naturally! The epi guy smiled, wished me luck, and with a grin on HIS face, walked out the door. (And you wonder why I hate men LOL)

A nurse ran out to call for the doctor, and ran into him in the hall. They said "Catherine's delivering in room 7." The doc said great, he would be in the room within 30 mins. That's when I heard the panic in the nurses voice as she told the doctor, NO the baby was starting to crown. I've never seen a doctor and room full of nurses and other people move so fast! He told me to do a practice push and was suddenly yelling for me to stop. (What was that about practice as baby emerged to his shoulders with that first push??) Another push... and I had a son.

So after two short hours of labor and two quick pushes *aren't I lucky* at 12:45pm, a little boy named Charles was born. There with me was Coley and the director of the agency to take part in his birth and to witness this wonderous event. Unfortunatley because we did a closed adoption, his adoptive parents were not there to witness the birth, and they didn't find out until afterwards that he had been born.

I know that they called to check on the "mom", because the agency said into the phone "The baby's here, but there's problems. I'll call you back." I can't imagine the terror that must have raced through their minds hearing those words and then being hung up on. Especially since they weren't even allowed up at the hospital during my delivery.

Just like his older sister again, Charles was born six weeks premature. He even weighed the EXACT same weight! (Yet showing off, he left the NICU to go home ten days later, while his sister was in the NICU for almost a month) At first he was okay, but he quickly started having trouble breathing and needed to be rushed off to the NICU.

Having made the decision earlier that day, Coley was given the second hospital band, and as Charlie was wisked away to the NICU, Coley went right along with him. Coley was able to give me reports on how he was doing, as I was also having trouble. I was bleeding much more than normal and they were having some trouble getting the bleeding to stop. Yet, all I cared about was if my son was ok.

Coley stayed by my side as drastic decisions were made and papers were signed (She wasn't in the room at the time the papers were signed because she wasn't allowed to be and because I did it without warning. I knew that if I didn't sign the papers right at that time, I wouldn't have) ... She took pictures, was there for the first time I got to hold him... and she was a friend that I needed. Coley will never know the depth of my gratitude for her taking time away from her family and friends to come be with me... a person she had never met before and had only chatted with online.


However, with all the happiness and joy, there is also a sad and heart breaking ending to this story... Unlike his older sister... when I decided to place Charles for adoption, I made the decision to do a closed adoption. The only time I got to and ever will get to spend with Charles was during the week he was in the hospital. I made this decision because I knew that if I didn't know where he was that he would be safe from the person who sought to harm me and harm him when I was 15 weeks pregnant.

Unfortunatly there will be no pictures, letters, videos, or visits. Yet, due to the circumstances surrounding Charles's birth... It was the best in order to protect him. However, I am lucky enough that I can always call and ask for information on how he's doing from the agency at ANY time... Though it was an extremely hard decision to do this... I just had to do what I felt in my heart was best for him no matter how much it hurt me.


~I've attached the only photo that I'll have (At least for the next 18 years) of the two of us together.

[sspete]

Catherine.....

Your baby is Beautiful!!!! My heart truly goes out to you, as I have been in your shoes. I chose adoption for my baby 20 years ago, and I knew in my heart I did what was best for her. My heart still aches for her 20 years later, but we have been reunited for a year, and I have found a little peace knowing that she is a happy, healthy, beautiful young lady. I wish you all the best in your adoption journey. You are a brave lady to put your son's safety ahead of your own pain. This is the most difficult thing you will ever do, but you can heal. It will take time and patience with much heartache, but always remember why you chose adoption for him. It was for his well being and safety!!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers, and so is your little guy. I wish you much peace in your decision.

Staci

[lovestory]

Cathrine~ My heart goes out to you. Charles is a beautiful baby. I am sure the decision to make this a totally closed adoption was one of the hardest decisions you have ever made. I pray for your safety, also...from the guy you spoke of.

I have spoke (via e-mail) with Coley a couple of times. She DOES seem an incredible individual. I am so glad that she was there for you. Thank you, Coley, for you.

My heart goes out to you. I pray for you, Charles and his Adoptive Family.

Prayers,
Stephanie

[michelleb]

Catherine!
I am praying for your peace of mind!!
You did what was best for Charles and that is a HUGE and SELFLESS decision!
Jesus put a jewel in your crown the day you signed those papers!
Charles will always love you for your decision!
God Bless.
PM me if you want to chat!

[Catherine20]

Originally posted by lovestory
Cathrine~ My heart goes out to you. Charles is a beautiful baby. I am sure the decision to make this a totally closed adoption was one of the hardest decisions you have ever made. I pray for your safety, also...from the guy you spoke of.

I have spoke (via e-mail) with Coley a couple of times. She DOES seem an incredible individual. I am so glad that she was there for you. Thank you, Coley, for you.

My heart goes out to you. I pray for you, Charles and his Adoptive Family.

Prayers,
Stephanie

Incrediable doesn't even begin to describe her!

[Juscuz]

Catherine - the tribuations we go through as bmom are unspeakale. NO one will ever know. I truly wish you and you baby a wonderful peaceful life. As a bmom, I know exactly the feelings you hold dear to your heart.

23 years later I wait again, for the gratitute to hold him yet once more.

God be with you! You made the right decision for you and your family.

[swtluvr069]

Catherine my name is also Catherine but I go by Cat I also belong to birthmombuds.

I am so sorry for all that have gone through. I am sorry you had to place in a closed adoption but I can also understand your needed to protect your child. I have talked to Coley many many times and you are very lucky to have her and if I may I would like to add something here for Coley this only tells a little bit about what she is to me. Your baby is beauiful I am so glad for you that everything turned out good..

Coley, You really have no idea what you have done for many many girls. You are the light at the end of a very very dark tunnel. You have showed me what a true friend is you are a very caring, strong and wonderful women. I don't know what I would have done without you I have never and will never met another women like you. You are so strong to help others in their pain while you are going thru the same pain.
Coley from me and every
birthmother I would like to say Thank you for your friendship thank you, for caring, thank you for being there whenever we need you THANK YOU!!!!

Cat

[bromanchik]

I am so sorry for your pain. What a difficult position you are in. I am so glad you have Coley by your side.

Can I suggest something that might help down the road? Think about creating your own "traditions" for him. Times of the year where you can honor his emotional presence in your life. Maybe set a time to get your updates, or start a plant on his birthday, writing him a letter at Christmas, buy him a small gift to put away. It will honor the both of you. And when/if he comes to find you as an adult, you can show him he was never not loved or forgotten by you.

If there is anything I can do to help you feel free to e-mail me. I know I deal mostly with open adoptions but I have worked with birthmoms from closed adoptions too.

brenr@openadoptioninsight.org