[Guylaine]

I am 38 years old, single, and unexpectedly just became pregnant for the first time. The father is very caring, supportive, and sweet, but his life is a mess and he can barely support himself, never mind take on the responsibility of raising a child.

I'm torn between wanting to keep this child and knowing how hard it is for a single parent to juggle the demands of work and parenting. I'm also concerned that the father will influence the child in a negative way, since his judgment is not great in some important areas.

My questions are:

1. Since I am over 35, this pregnancy is high risk, even though I am healthy and take no medication. Does this make the baby less desirable for adoptive parents?

2. The father is hispanic and I am anglo. Does this make the baby less desirable for adoptive parents?

3. Are there any other obvious factors that would make adoptive parents hesitant?

I want to do the right thing for this child and I do not want to go through this if the baby is considered substandard in some way.

Thank you for your comments.

[HappyTwinsMom]

As an adoptive mom, I can say that, for us, your age and the fact that your child is of mixed race would have been no issue. I could see, however, that because this is your first pregnancy, some adoptive parents might be more nervous about your ability to place your child...if that's what you decide to do.

I would whole-heartedly recommend counseling no matter what you think might do down the road. If you choose parenting, you want to be sure to explore all the issues surrounding that and, if you choose adoption, you will have a lot to deal with...grief and loss, etc.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide for your future and your baby!

[Wingless]

Guylaine,

First let me say, welcome to the hardest journey of your life. Regardless of what path you decide to follow, you will have some pretty tough decisions to make.

I too am a soon to be "older" birth mom. I'm 31 with four children, and two highrisk pregnancies under my belt. When I first found out I was pregnant, I became terribly ill and swelled like a blow fish in a matter of just weeks, causing us to think we might be carrying twins. My first thought was.. who would want a high risk baby - let alone two?!

The answer is .... MANY! We were so surprised (after finding out it was only one) when talking to couples waiting to adopt, that they didn't care in the least the deal could have included endless hours in a hospital to start... and even longer sleepless nights once home.

Your child's gender, race and even physical limitations are all things adoptive parents are asked to commit to when starting their adoption profiles. Your overall health will be important for you not only physically but also mentally as you progress through your pregnancy, but you will find it will not exclude many from their desires to start or complete their family with this child. Just like there are many different types of birth moms.. there are equally as many options in adoptive parents. There are some families that only want to adopt a specific gender, some that don't want to raise a drug effected child... and many others that are looking for a child regardless of any of these factors.

You can start gathering information about waiting couples online from one of numerous adoption profile sites. There are agencies all over that are willing to help you start your search, offer education on your rights, and help in the emotional support to get through this. If anything, you can take comfort knowing you do not have to go forward alone on this journey.

I wish you all the best on what ever you decide.

Hugs!
Wingless

[Guylaine]

Thank you for your replies, this is a good forum.

I have been asked why I would consider adoption. The answer is that, although I do want to be a parent and would be financially capable of supporting a child, I grew up with a single mother who had a disastrous marriage, a nervous breakdown, went off to graduate school to "find herself" (leaving my sister and I alone for days at a time when we were young), used drugs, had affairs, was an alcoholic, never went to church, etc. etc. and I always swore that I would not raise a child in that kind of environment. I don't use drugs or alcohol and am unlikely to have a nervous breakdown, but I have never learned how to find a good man and I think it's important for children to have 2 responsible parents in their lives who can teach them how to live a good life.

This decision is really not about me, it's about what is best for a child. If there is agony and anguish in giving up a child, then I brought that on myself. A child shouldn't have to suffer a lifetime because of my selfishness.

Since this may be the only child I ever have, the decision is really difficult but I thank you all for your encouragement and support.

[Lili]

You are doing the right thing if youfeel that way about raising a child. I was adopted in 1963 and have always considered myself the luckiest person to have had the wonderful caring parents I have. I was blessed with two wonderful parents who really wanted me. It made a difference when I strted to know that not all children are wanted like I was.

Good Luck with your journey.

[Jennifer]

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and want you to know you and your baby are in my thoughts & prayers. I know you will do what is best for this child and only you know what that is.

As a still hopeful adoptive mom, I say still hopeful even though we were finally blessed after almost 3 years, with a son in early Nov., through an open adoption we are having a major problem with his bdad who is fighting it all out of spite and because he knows he can, he has no interest in his son and intends to sign his parental rights to his mom to raise, which mom already tried to take his older brothers first child and lost that custody case so she moved on to grandchild #2, thank God his bmom is behind us and supporting us, but we still could lose this baby.

The only concern as someone else stated is your age and this being your first, but other than that race should not matter, I know to us it does not and others to. Please do get counseling regardless of what your decision is, is the birthdad in agreement with the option of placing this precious baby for adoption?

There are different types of adoption plans and you CAN make the choice of which one you want. This is your decision and your choice. Follow your heart.

You both are in my thoughts and prayers and wish you all the best.

Jennifer

[georgiagirl]

There is nothing substandard about you.

Some adoptive families would consider your age a plus due to maturity. Get plenty of counseling and realize that even if you choose to make an adoption plan now, you will need to reconsider the adoption plan once your child is born. Take plenty of time to make a decision. Your child and you are most important. Even if you don't have very positive feeling about your child's father, nontheless, your child will want to know about him whether you choose to parent or make an adoption plan.

I am a single adoptive parent of a three year old and he is fantasic. BTW, the great guy came after the adoption.

[tobeafamily]

Just echoing what everyone else is saying here - none of these issues would make your search for paparents particularly challenging.

There are many options out there for you, so take your time and explore them. A good resource is Open Adoption Insight. You can google the name on the web. Brenda Romanchik is an adoption educator and birthmother in an open adoption. She cannot help you find a family, but she can provide you with good information on your choices.

Best of luck,

Regina, Amom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Jennifer]

Just wanted to add that I agree with georgiagirl, there should be no reason why if you decide on a certain plan now should you choose adoption that you cannot change it later. I know in one of our failed attempts when a 16 yr old bmom decided to parent within days of our leaving to fly out to Texas for the birth she had wanted a closed adoption and I said that would be ok if that was what she wanted BUT had also left it open to the point that I would still send photos and updates to her grandparents since she lived with them this way they had them if she had decided to look at them.

Your child does have the right to know their birth families and you also have the right to know that the choice you made out of love for your child was the right one.... for all of you.

Jennifer

[mckenna]

as i read your post, i realized that my son's bmom was 36 when she had him. i adopted my son from the fostercare system, so the situation is a little differnt. it is an open adoption, though. and of all the things i considered about his bfamily situation, his bmom's age was never even a factor. i am 8 years yonger than my son's bmom. if adoption is right for you and your child, you will find the perfect parents for him/her.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm not an older Bmom, but I did want to let you know that my highrisk pregnancy and multirace child did not send the Aparents running in the opposite direction. Actually, considering all of my complications with the pregnancy, they were unbelievably supportive, though I can't imagine that it was wasy for them.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

[beckypie1979]

for my husband and i it wouldnt matter the race of the unborn child or the birthmothers age we take really good care of a friends two kids at least 2 days out of the week and they are biracial and we arent able to have a child and we are looking into adoption and we are open to any race and sex because we just want a child to love and protect for the rest of their life

[Guylaine]

As expected, the bfather is now coming to grips with reality, saying "this was not on my agenda." He had a bad experience with the mother of his first child, who took the boy away, prohibited all contact after his son was age 4, and then raked him through the child support system, so I understand his sense of panic and fortunately have never envisioned him as a pillar of support. I'll just let him express what he needs to say and hopefully he will realize that I have no intention of trapping him. My goal is to embrace his positive contributions and leave the rest aside.

I have to admit I feel privileged to experience something I never thought would happen in my life. Guilty in some ways because of all the happily married couples who are unable to conceive. They really deserve this experience more than I do. For some time, I was imagining that I would become too old to have children and would eventually adopt, so this has really turned me upside down.

In some other ways, although obviously not ideal, I'm feeling like this was supposed to happen. A couple of months ago, I just happened to commit to building a house in a new child-friendly development, and the church then announced it is building a large new elementary school down the road. I bought the house because I liked it but now all the child-friendly aspects are coming into clearer view and I'm not feeling so overwhelmed.

I ran the idea of adoption by the bfather and he rejected it outright on the basis that his impoverished extended family would never countenance the idea. They appear to view it as a kind of betrayal or abandonment. That does not mean it is the end of the idea but I do put some weight on it and certainly would not want aparents to be dealing with a bfather who does not want to give up his rights. I would consider only an open adoption, hopefully playing the role of a distant "aunt" who stays in touch but also stays out of the way. "Uncle" is the role I foresee for the bfather in any case.

I hope you all forgive my lengthy posts but I find that writing these things down is quite helpful. It's very comforting to know that we are not alone in these journeys and I appreciate all of your perspectives.

[MELANIE_SWORD]

I AM AN ADOPTEE WHO HAD 2 PARENTS THAT WERE OKAY. MY FATHER DRANK WAY TOO MUCH AND MY MOTHER DIDN'T AT ALL. SOMETIMES I WAS I WAS ADOPTED BY SOMEONE ELSE, BUT I ENDED UP WITH WHAT I GOT. THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT PUTTING YOU CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION. I WAS 19 YEARS OLD WHEN I HAD MY 1ST CHILD AND EVERYONE SAID, PUT HIM UP FOR ADOPTION. I DIDN'T AND HE'S A GREAT KID. I'M GLAD I KEPT HIM. I'M LOOKING FOR MY BIRTH MOTHER RIGHT NOW. I'M 41 AND HAVE 4 BOYS. AGES ARE 19 MONTHS,4 YEARS OLD,11 YEARS OLD, AND 21 YEARS OLD. THINK BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING. YES IT CAN BE VERY HARD AT TIME TO RAISE A CHILD, BUT THERE ARE THE GOOD TIMES. I'M GLAD I KEPT MINE.

[swimbabe]

I was also a high risk pregnancy because of my age. But I was not over 35. I was 15. You are considered high risk under the age of 16 and over the age of 35. My son was born as healthy as can be. Now, at 19 months old, he is a very smart child and even learning much faster than other children his age. I also didn't have prenatal care until i was 20 weeks along because I was afraid to tell my mother I was pregnant. But like I said, he was born very healthy and still is. I did not have the race problem because my child is 100% white, but the agency I went through to place him had many parents who did not care the race. There are some families that do care, but they will tell the agency that from the very beginning. It shouldn't be a problem for you though because of the large number of families that are willing to adopt a child regardless of its race.