[cyndi1969]

My 16 year old step-daughter is pregnant and looking at all her options. I am looking for birthmothers and their personal experiences - good or bad. I feel that she needs a lot of information so that she can make an informed decision. Any stories of post-adoption would be helpful!

Thanks! Cyndi

[Jensboys]

You are going to find all sorts of stories on the net ... good and bad.

I would suggest one site however as being really good and that is Lifemothers.com.

Take the time to look it over and maybe contact the site owner. Skye is a wonderful woman and its worth looking at.

[pjinokeechobee]

I am a bmom and I don't know where to start in the reply. I relinquished my rights 21 years ago. It has not been easy. I don't regret my choices I just didn't at 17 years old realize the strength and length of the pain involved. This is a very hard choice to make and you have to in depth consider, talk about, research. I made my choice because at that time in my life all I had to offer her was love! Unfortunatly that is not enough. I was still a child myself. This is an unselfish choice for me I loved this child so deeply my thoughts were of her and her future not my feelings. I knew that this was the right choice. You need to be of full support to her no matter her choice now during and after. There are many books available and support groups you might want to look into counsling either way for her would be a good choice. I wish you all the best of luck in the road ahead.

[pjinokeechobee]

I am sorry put in the wrong name.

[alicia hunter]

Through lots of thought and prayer I'm sure she will make a decision that is good for bothe her and her child. Whatever she chooses, if she has given lots of time to deciding, will be the best for them.

[alicia hunter]

Through lots of thought and prayer I'm sure she will make a decision that is good for bothe her and her child. Whatever she chooses, if she has given lots of time to deciding, will be the best for them.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Cyndi,

I just placed my Munchkin in an open adoption in December 2003. While it was the right decision for me in my situation, it may not be the right decision for all.

Here are some questions for your daughter:

1- Will she have the help and support of family if she keeps her child?
2- Will the family (or a babysitter) be available while she finishes high school?
3- Will the family (or a babysitter) be available if she wishes to continue her education?
4- Will she have the means to pay a babysitter if she gets a job?
5- Is she willing to be tied to the father for many, many years to raise this child. While she may not choose to marry the child, she should realize and consider the best thing (if keeping) would be for the father to be involved in the child's life.
6- If she relinquishes, is she prepared for the onslaught of questions by those in her high school and family who simply do not understand adoption? (The "WHY" questions can hurt.)
7- If she relinquishes, can she handle an open adoption? Or would it be easier for her to have a closed one? (please research)

There are so many more things to consider. I did not have the advantage of being young enough to still be at home in my parents' care if I was to keep the child. I was out on my own and it was the best decision for me.

If you would like, feel free to contact me via PM or email. I would be happy to talk to your daughter or you.

Hang in there. *hugs*

[IndigoEyes]

I have been fortunate in that my open adoption experience has been very rewarding and I have no regrets.

I was a young single mom when I got pregnant. I had the loving support of my mother, grandmother and sister.. we're all very close. I wasn't in love with the bfather, we were only dating. I was worried about the impact my successes or failures as a single parent would have on my first son, let alone another child. I looked into adoption.. probably just as you are now for your step-daughter. I saw an ad in the newspaper.. "Loving couple with adopted 2 yr old would like to adopt a newborn.... call etc etc"

The woman who answered the phone and I almost instantly bonded just in the first phone call alone. She was so curious about me, my life, who I was, what I looked like, was I showing yet, have I felt the baby move.. etc. I was more than happy to tell her everything. We talked for 4 hours!!!

I knew this was the couple that deserved my baby. They were so wonderful! The amom and I went to lamaze together. The bmom of their first ason lived out of state so she never got the chance to get close to her. I'd get together with my 4 year old and their 3 year old. We'd all go to Chuck E Cheese. I went to their home, most of my family had the opportunity to meet them.

I kept a journal through out my pregnancy for Adam to have and read one day. I gave them pictures of me, my family, my history. Even Adams bfather's parents gave me pictures. All so Adam would never have to guess where he came from.

Since his birth, I've been on tv, I've seen Adam.. he's 12 now.. he know's I'm his bmom. I go to his hockey games. He's the most wonderful kid. Adams amom said that Adam recently asked about my journal.. and said he'd like to read one page out of it every night. Awww.. he is so sweet. I wrote a poem to him, had it done in calligraphy and it is hanging on his bedroom wall.

The hardest period for me was the few months following his birth. I had a c-section, so when they took him home from the hospital, I still had a couple nights stay at the hospital alone. But the aparents even came to visit the very next day! She and I became so close.. at one point during my pregnancy.. she said "Jennifer, how am I gonna be able to take this baby from you?" I told her.. "Don't you dare change YOUR mind on ME! This child belongs to YOU, no one else!" she and I both cried together.

I say.. if this ends up being the route for your step-daughter.. make sure you BE there for her. Just listen to her.. that's the best thing you can do.. just listen.

That's my story... I hope it all works out for the best.

[antifloyd]

Having been touched by adoption 3 diff ways, I can say, yes, I would recommend it. But absolutely it needs to be your step-daughter's INFORMED decision. Make sure she does have access to all her options.
I have never regretted the decision I made at 17 to place Amanda. The way I put it is: "I regret the circumstances but not the decision." I don't think it's anybody's goal to place their first (in my case only) child for adoption. But it was absolutely the right choice.
My only other regret is that there was not open adoption in 1981. I envy these women whose stories I read in the forums who chose their aparents, receive pictures and letters and even visits.

[bmom2isabel]

Hi Cyndi.

I feel for your family. I am a birthmom to a beautiful, healthy, vibrant 5 1/2 year old girl. I had just turned 21 when I gave birth to her, and had finished just a few months of college. I knew without an education, with only forgotten dreams and unmet goals, I knew I would not be the mom I want to be to her. Her birthfather wanted to get married. I was not ready. My parents offered to help me, but I knew that between holding a full time job and full time school, they would become her parents, in essence. I would never see her, and we both deserved more.

Now, 5 1/2 years later, I am proud of my decision, proud of my beautiful little lady. Her bdad and I chose her new family, and they are the best people we could have asked for. There are sad times, of course, but the life she has is so much better than what I could have offered her, married or not.

Adoption can be a very positive experience. Open adoptions allow bmoms to select the baby's parents. She can put together a list of all the qualities she is looking for, all the things she wants for her baby but is not prepared to provide. She can decide if she wants contact after the baby is born, and to what extent - pictures and letters, visits, phone calls, etc. There are so many options for her - she can feel and be as involved as she needs and wants to be.

I used to be in an adoption support group, and it broke my heart to see the teenagers there. They were all forced into adoption - the decision had been made for them. While I am all for adoption, the choice must be your daughter's. Be as supportive of her as you can, and be honest. Talk with her about her goals, her fears, and your own fears, as well as what you have hoped for her. But let the choice be her own. If she feels forced, she can resent that. She has been adult enough to have sex. Let her be adult enough to make a lifelong decision.

Best of luck to all of you!

Hugs,
Shannon

[Jacki Feemster]

Hi Cyndi

There are so many different situations, its hard to just TELL someone what is best for them.

My best advise (by my own experiences as a birthmom) is to be open and talk with the whole family about this decision!!!!
Make sure she knows ALL her options at ALL times.
Dont let her make a decision out of fear!!!!
Be supportive no matter what she decides, but offer her any help in making the decision.

At 16 you dont realize how much of a bond there is between you and your child. Or on the other hand, all the work its gonna take to raise her. But the benifits always out weigh the hardships.

My prayers are with your step daughter and your whole family. This is gonna be the hardest decision she will ever make, and its not going to be easier after the decision is made cause she has to learn to live with it (in whichever she decides).

You or she can email/PM me anytime to talk or ask questions.
Please read MY STORY i just put in the birthmom forum/room.

[bryankrol]

I myself can relate to your situation. I became pregant a few short months after I turned 18. My mind was going in a million directions at once, in panic, not knowing what to do- if I make a wrong decision, it could cost a little someone their future,what is right, wrong, will they resent me like I do my own parents if I raise her/him incorrectly?...etc. There was MUCH turmoil in my family about this. My stepfather wanted the pregnancy ended & kept quiet or a quick adoption (he said I was shaming HIM in front of MY family) and my mother was pushing for the adoption route as well. The birth father was a young troublemaker who split. I became angry with my mom & sdad for trying to force ME to make THEIR decision. I wanted time to think and they wanted to stuff me in a closet and hide me in the meanwhile. I made the decision to raise my child on my own. "Sure Im young, but if I buckle down and keep focused, I can DO this..." NOT what the parents wanted to hear. They felt I only made the decision to raise my child on my own because it was the opposite of what they wanted and that I was trying to make them mad! When this all came to a head, my mother screamed in my face, "WHAT?!

[bryankrol]

(SORRY, hit enter!) WHAT?! You dont think that a family with more money could raise her better than you can?! You think you can do a better job?!" I replied quietly"Well, you kept me, and I think someone ELSE could have done a better job..." After that I had all the room I needed. (BTW-her & I have NEVER had a relationship since I was a young child, Neglectful) Theres been rough points, but today I am (just turned) 25 years old with the most awesome 5 &1/2 year old daughter there is! Not to mention that her bfather finally got his junk together 2 yrs later and has been a really good part of her life since. I am also married now to a high school friend of mine (he IS adopted & we r searching bcuz he has Leukemia) I also had another daughter 2 1/2 yrs later (shes 3 now) (That was another tough time LOL).But I stood solidly on what I felt in my heart was right for both of them, and that was to be with me. I can honestly say that I have raised them both a million times better than I was-everything wrong that was done to myself & little brother as children feels like its been rectified. I KNOW I am and will continue to provide the type of life and love for my girls that I'd always wanted, that we never recieved ourselves. They are loved, cuddled, wonderful (slightly spoiled LOL) little ladies (brutes!)! But this was a choice appropriate for what I knew deep down that I was capable of. Every young lady is different though. My maturity level was high above where it should have been due to our upbringing-(or lack thereof)! The ONLY advice I could give you is to PLEASE let her follow what SHE feels is best -No matter WHAT it is. She will deal with pain, hardship, grief and possibly even depression no matter WHAT she choses.(Comes with the package) What is best is to make this as happy of a time for her as possible, a baby is coming into this world!Celebrate his/her coming! God has his own plans for this little beauty no matter where the angel will go!!! A child is going to be born and will bring an UNIMAGINEABLE amount of love with them, to WHOMEVER will be with them!! I wish you all good luck & happiness! Love each other! God Bless! Katie

[cyndi1969]

Thank you for your words of wisdom! I am so glad that things have worked out for you and your children. We are absolutely behind whatever decision Leah makes. We give her our opinion and give her others to talk to about other options and are always here for her to talk to. But we strongly feel that this needs to be HER decision! It is amazing how many people don't agree that it is her decision. Even in our family, there are those who feel that we need for force her into adoption, but we WILL NOT do that!

I am sorry to hear about your husband's leukemia. (SP? ) My brother passed away from it 12 years ago and I know that they have made amazing strides in treating it! Good Luck!!!

Cyndi

[stacyone]

Cyndi, I'm really glad you updated this. It sounds like you're supporting Leah really well.

Here's just a few thoughts I had while reading this:

- Open adoption is legally enforceable in very few states. If she chooses adoption, choose the agency VERY carefully. Make sure they really counsel her on ALL her options. I'd be cautious about any agency that tried to shove any one option down her throat.

- While I wouldn't necessarily advocate finding adoptive parents on the internet, the web can be a great tool. Besides looking up the website listed above, try openadoptioninsight.org

Hope everything goes well!