[wendy65]

I am 28 years old and last August 5th I gave my beautiful baby girl up for adoption. She was 7lbs 13oz. Ever since then I have felt a empty spot in my heart. I try to put on a fake smile everday to my family acting like everything is ok, but its not. I don't feel that I can tell them because they where very hurt by what happened and I don't want to cause them anymore pain. My friend are hard to talk to because many of them have children of there own and couldn't understand why I made the decision I did. I wanted to be able to give my child a mother and a father and seeing the dad left me I couldn't do this by myself. I remember the morning that I went to the hospital my mom said to my father " make sure that baby knows its grandmother loves her" Does the pain get any easier? I want to have a family of my own one day but I don't know if I can ever trust anyone ever again. My life feels hopeless right now. I need someone to talk to, I don't think anyone I know truley understand how I feel!!!

Thank you,
Wendy

[GinnyBinny]

It has been 2 yrs. since my son's adoption. It does get better. What really helped me was to think of all the positives (thinking about all that he has with his adoptive parents, thinking about how happy he is) that I can think of whenever I start to feel sad. Another helpful thing I did was I talked about everything. I Talked about the pain and talked about all the good things. I really encourage you to find someone that you can really talk to and/ or go to counseling. Hang in there. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk. best wishes
-Ginny

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I agree with the talking about it. My birthdaughter just turned four! It does get easier. But it also comes in waves.... the first two years were 100x harder than the second two.... I went to support group and it helped A LOT to hear that other were feeling the same and for the couselor to say that it was normal and explain why....this way I didnt feel alone. It also helped tremendously when I came to terms with my own guilt and reasons for placing. I recently faced the bfather and realized that I was beating myself up for nothing....that it truly was in her best interest...and nothing that I could have done would have changed HIS part of the situation and I certainly can't change it now. It was what it was. Support group and even the aparents and fellow bmoms in the chatroom here were a big saving grace during very hard times! - - - And still are! (because times sure do get hard....) <HUG>

[kristy79]

Hi Wendy,

Oh dear, you sound just like me. I placed my twin daughters for adoption 11 months ago, they turn one on April 17. I know exactly how you feel. I put on a smile, somtimes I even feel happy, but under it all I am missing something, I am missing a part of me.....and that piece is my two little girls which I placed. I hope it gets easier, I mean it already has. I am 24 and I too want to have a family some day, but can not trust anyone. My family was not supportive while I was pregnant and were very heart broken with my descion....so we can't talk about it, as they hurt and I feel as though I have done something to hurt them. I can't get the babies out of my dreams and out of my heart, but one day I thought about that.....and I came to the realization I want them to be in my dreams and in my heart. I need this to hurt, other wise it would be kinda scary.....if I hurt I know I love them, if I hurt I know I did the right thing for them. I try to look at the positive....and to be realistic. Honey, you did what you did for some really logical reasons...try to remember them and hold on to them.

Are you in an open or closed adoption?

I am always here to listen!

-K

[RiverGal]

Wendy...As the other posters have said, it does get easier. There will always be an empty spot, but GinnyBinny has the right idea...just fill that empty spot with all the positives that you child will have through the a-family.

Find someone to talk to that understands the special issues surrounding adoption. You are on the right track by coming here to the forum. There are many of us out here who really know how you are feeling, and understand the emptyness you are going through right now. Still, some counseling, or perhaps a support group might help a lot. Also, journaling can be therapeutic...helps get your thoughts and feelings in line.

Hang in there, sweetheart. It's a bumpy road, but it truly does get easier as time goes on. In the meantime, we have your hand...

((((((HUGS))))))

Debra

[bmom2isabel]

Hugs to you, Wendy.

I am also a birthmom, and released 5 1/2 years ago. It is hard, especially the first year. There are moments when the pain is so great I thought I wanted to rush back to the agency and say no, I made a mistake, I want my daughter back. Luckily for me, and for Isabel and her adoptive parents, the laws in my state don't allow for changing your mind.

It is very hard to go through this feeling like you cannot talk to your family. My mom and I would sit up nights, just crying in each others arms. After a while, I decided not to talk to her about it anymore. Not in sad terms, anyway. I would share the good things - the pictures and letters we received, stories of our visits (once per year). This also forced me to see the brighter side.

I still have my moments of sadness - usually comes for a short while about this time of year, the time of year I made the decision to release, and just before her birthday. Last year was probably the worst, but I had more ability to express what I was feeling, since my closest friends (who I have met recently) all know about her. Support groups have helped me, too, and I go back every once in a while to the group the agency hosts.

As for being able to trust again, that will be a long term struggle. I suggest finding a support network for the placement first. When you feel like you have made some good progress in healing, then maybe it is time to tackle the trust issue. And maybe you won't even have to deal with it too much - if you meet someone who can be your friend first and foremost, and the romantic feelings come later. This is what I have had to do to trust someone - trust him as a friend first, as a lover later. Not that I have found Mr. Right, but it has made life easier not to put romantic pressure on every potential guy friend. (I think they like that too)

Best of love and luck to you Wendy. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me! I'm here.

Shannon
Birthmom to Isabel, age 5 1/2

[Odee]

Yes, it does get better. I relinquished my son 8 years ago. The 1st year was awful. I often wondered if I would always hurt. When he was 3 months old, I had a crying fit for several hours. I thought it might be a nervous breakdown.

Now, I rarely cry. But yes I still do occasionally. Especially on Mother's Day. I'm married and my husband is very understanding. I have no kids of my own, but my hubby has two sons who are 15 and 12 and we get along great.

I know you are hurting, but it will get better. My son is always close to my heart and often in my thoughts, but I can smile now. I imagine him as a happy 2nd grader who is loved and treasured by his adoptive family.

Hugs to you!

[eek40]

I am not a birthmom, But I wanted to give you an internet hug.

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))


Also I am an adoptee, just found my birthmom after looking for 16 years. I love her very much and always have, I never have been upset with her, just always wanted her in my life and now I have her

Hang in there!


Aimee

[Judy Ann]

Dear Wendy

I am so sorry you are feeling this way but I know what you are feeling because I am going through the same thing right now. The father of my baby girl called the cops and told them that I was going to hurt the baby but of course I wasn't going to. I had to leave because we just were not getting along the state came in and took her but she is with family thank god for that. I left Florida thinking I would get more support from my family but I was wrong. I also feel so alone. My thoughts are with you and if you ever want to talk I am here.

Judy Ann

[Coley]

Wendy,

Hugs to you hon!!!! As others have said before, it DOES get better. The pain never completely goes away - but it gets better and your able to function and make it through the day without faking it every moment!!

The support group is a great idea! Do you know if there is one in your area? You can also try journaling or scrapbooking - many bmoms find both of those healing.

Making friends with some bmoms can also be helpful because you have people who understand - who have "been there, done that." The forums are a great start - also check out this site that I am the co-founder of - www.birthmombuds.com The Buddy System would be a great way to possibly connect with someone in your area. Also another great site - www.lifemothers.com There is a list of support groups by state there.

Take care and if you need anything at all feel free to private message me!

Coley

[staciehamann]

Wendy it does get easier, the pain never goes away just gets easier to live with.I gave my daughter up almost 16 years ago=( A couple of years ago I designed a website for her (www.katelind-nicole1988.com )
This was great I put a message board so when I missed her I would go on and post , it was my little space for her and I , only she didn't see it. It was really a great place to go and miss her.My daughter just found me a few weeks ago, and wow it was worth all the pain. I know how you feel ,I missed her so much sometimes I thought I couldn't live in my own body! It get's better=) If you need to talk contact me. And check out my site, it may be a helpful place to go. ((((((HUGS))))))