[birthmom i am]

well its me again i tryed talking to the agency and adoptive mom about the email not working and they told me it was because she didnt check her email and it closed her acount. okay i bought that stupid me believed her. so i emailed her and it worked but she said she was worried about me well if that was true she should have checked her email sence thats how we comunicate.but she didnt check it at all in like 3 months or she would had known she didnt have email.but any ways her email said that and they had a great chirstmas and its been almost five years and it whent very fast she is such a blessing THATS IT NOTHING MORE AND SHE NEVER WROTE ME BACK WITH THE QUESTIONS I ASKED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO MAYBE IT TIME TO JUST SAY GOODBYE AND NOT TRY ANY MORE CAUSE IT IS JUST KILLING ME I AM NOT FEELING SO VERY STRONG ANY MORE.

[emergence]

Dear Birthmom

Why not ask the agency to contact on your behalf. Explain to them that amom is not giving you info and that is all you are asking for. Are you supposed to have regular letter, pics etc.? If not perhaps now would be a good time to talk about it with the agency. If amom is uncomfortable giving info directly to you she might accept going through the agency.

I am sorry you are so low. Really just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and we are here for you. Maybe see you in chat sometime.

big hugs and all good wishes
from this bmom

[birthmom i am]

i did call the agency but they said not to worrie they beleave its like the amom said about the whole email thing and to give her time and when i said why doesnt she tell me the questions i ask they just say maybe she is not comfortable with giving any info its just the same old thing i hear over and over again. i think the agency could care less about how i feel i mean even in the week after i gave her up they said they do have some type of councling but nobody really goes. and the one month pictures and letter didnt come i called over and over and it wasnt until my husband called and told them they better call the aparents now and tell them thats the least they can do is make sure those pictures are on time.we got them one month later.

[JenDoane]

I don't really have any advice for you, but I totally understand what you're going through. I've gone through the same thing. The agency that I went through acted the same way. It's been 10 years since I surrendered my son and they closed the adoption for no reason after 7 years. Email me if you ever need to talk!

Jennifer

[RiverGal]

Reading so many posts on how bmoms are left on the fringes feeling alienated and powerless to get the smallest cooperation from agencies and afamilies makes me livid! Being a left-for-dead bmom myself, I can relate to the frustration and disgust you must feel that the minimum "promises" made to you are not being met.

During the pending adoption, what would the agency had done if the prospective family had continuously ignored their attempts to contact? Easy answer...they would not have been blessed with a child. I'm sure the case manager would not have made allowances for email malfunctions where they are concerned, however, it seems to suffice for the greiving bmom.

I am so sorry that you, and many of us, have to endure the lack of empathy and understanding. I'll be willing to bet that amom had no problems emaoling pictures to friends and family members across the country...how easy to forget who made it all possible for her. URRRR!!!!!!

Don't give up...keep rattling those doors and complaining. I suggest you keep a journal so that when the day comes that your child seeks you out to ask why you were not part of his/her life you can say, "well, I tried here, and here, and again here...."

Sorry if I sound angry, but I am! Until I found this site, I thought I was just a "duck" and it didn't happen to other people. How wrong was I! This seems to be the rule, not the exception. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope things get better.

Sending best wishes and ((((HUGS)))),

Debra

[Sharon]

" Until I found this site, I thought I was just a "duck" and it didn't happen to other people. How wrong was I! This seems to be the rule, not the exception." ~ Debra

I'm another "duck", lol.
Birthmom-I-Am, it's obvious that the adoptive parents are not going to be able to handle the level of contact they originally agreed to. The way I see it, you have one last chance here. Get word to the aparents through your agency. Have your agency relay this message to them: that you have changed your mind about the level of contact you desire. That you've thought it over, and you really feel like the best thing for everyone would be if they just sent you a photo and a health update once a year. See if they will agree to these new, modified terms.
There is no fighting them on this. They hold all the cards. If you continue to pit your will against them, trying to hold them to the original agreement, you will lose contact with them permanently and entirely. I'm sorry to sound pessimistic, but that is the road you are on. There is a possibility, however, that if you offer to modify the terms, to accept the very minimum of contact, and if you can make them believe that this is in fact what you want... then maybe they will attempt to comply. It's an awesome deal for them, really... they still get to feel good about themselves, and they only have to think about you once every twelve months.
I'm sorry it has to be this way, but some sort of compromise is going to be required on your part. From your description in this and other posts, the aparents in your situation simply are incapable of giving you what they promised. Maybe they are capable of sending you one photo a year. I suggest you propose this to them as soon as possible, before you lose them completely.
Best of luck, ~ Sharon

[birthmom i am]

thank you i will think about it i guess i have been for awhile it just makes me so mad that we need to feel that lieing is our only option see i did that after the first vist i told them i was happy with my choice that i was doing fine with the adoption because i had a very hard time letting her go my husband ended up doing it but you see the adoption agency had the aparents in a waiting room were they herd every thing and the agency told me i scared the a mom to the point she might not take the baby and my husband told me to write them a letter and lie and say i am just fine

[ruabakerwi]

Wow, reading you post makes me so mad. I cant believe that people who want to have your baby are so selfish and inconsiderate. I would think they would bend over backwards to do whatever you want. I am a lurker of these forums, but decided to speak up here, I am looking to adopt and actually wanted to view some posts from adoptive mothers to see what emotions you are going through. It has got to be hard.

I am just starting to look into the adoption process and would sincerely hope that yours is not a standard case. I hope the best for you, I know that there are plenty of parents wanting to adopt that would never treat you as badly as you say you are being treated. I wouldnt apologize for anything. There are plenty of us other mothers out there who you could place your child with that would be as open and honest as you need them to be.

Dont give up, you have a precious gift to give. Please keep your spirits up and hopefully the mother will shape up or maybe this is your queue to find another more wanting parent.

I guess I am not in your shoes, but being in my shoes, I would give anything to have a wonderful child and would work with the adoptive mother however long or short it takes.

Hang in there, I will be praying for you!

[Jackiejdajda]

birthmom i am wrote..but you see the adoption agency had the aparents in a waiting room were they herd every thing and the agency told me i scared the a mom to the point she might not take the baby and my husband told me to write them a letter and lie and say i am just fine

You matter.. Your feelings matter..

You behaved normally.. IMO

Jackie

[shnoogiepoo]

We had a baby for 5 months, while paternity was figured out and what not. The papers were in working stage. We insisted that she stay in contact and be a regular part of his life (she was very young and we felt it important for him to know that she loved him enough to give him a life and a future) to make a long story short, because of her involvement in his life and paperwork being dragged out she got to take him back, to rip him out of our life and home. We have not had any contact with him since then. We were the "exception" as you put it and got scrwed.

[Big Dreamer]

Birthmom I Am,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I must say that not all adoptive families are like this. I am an adoptive mom and I would never be able to look at myself or our baby if I went back on my word.

I can understand how an adoptive family might be scared but they made a promise and they need to stick to it. If they are that scared they should write you a letter and at the least let you know why.

I must say shame on the agency; they have a responsibility to help keep the lines of communication open on both ends. If the family is afraid of direct contact one solution could be the adoptive family can write you a letter along with pictures and mail it to the agency and the agency can forward it. In my opinion they have dropped the ball in a very bad way! Keep calling and write a letter to the director of the agency if you can’t get anywhere with that go out to www.adoptionguide.com and see if they will allow you to post a complaint.

I don't think that you should lie being honest is truly the best policy let them know that you understand their fears and you have no intention of "taking the baby" that maybe the key to all of this.

In my opinion….the family needs to be reminded that you kept your word and placed the baby with them believing that they would stay in contact. At the very least you would like X number of pictures or a web site so that you can see your darling baby. Let them know how hard it is for you not being able to see, touch or even hear about her.

I can't imagine how an adoptive family could break a promise and go on with their every day life.

For me everyday life includes thinking of our birth mom a dozen times a day and wondering what she might be doing. Each time I kiss our daughter I am not only showing our daughter I love her but I am sending thoughts of love and happiness to her birth mom. In our case I am the one who initiates the calls and the sending of the e-mail. As a matter of fact I send an e-mail every month letting her know what her daughter did last month. It isn't part of our “agreement;” to me it is a courtesy and a gentle reminder of how much we appreciate and enjoy having our daughter.

All birth moms deserve gentle reminders, because of wonderful women like we have the families we have always dreamed of.

I really am sorry that you are going through this. You deserve to be treated better then what you are getting. I know it is hard but keep trying. Some day you will be able to tell your child that you did everything that you could to keep the lines of communication open.

Here are a few special hugs from me to you…HUG HUG HUG!
M

[Big Dreamer]

I also want to mention that I know what it is like to have a family reclaim their baby, as a result I feel that I understand both sides of the issue.

A few years ago we were in another open adoption where I worked hard to keep the lines of communication open. After a short time the birth family changed their minds.

Granted we were crushed, and couldn't even consider adoption for two years however...that babies family decided they wanted to parent and as much as we loved our daughter we knew that she had every right to be with her family. It was hard but we had to LOVE and LET GO!

That birth mom felt she needed to keep the lines of communication open as a courtesy to us because we loved her baby unconditionally. She sent us periodic updates. Believe it or not we still stay in touch and last Christmas we had the little girl with us for two weeks.

Even though we went through that nightmare we still chose open adoption because we believe it is important for a child to know who they are and where they came from.

For all of you adoptive familes reading this please let your birth families know that their children are ok. The love from a birth mom (family) is a terrible thing to waste!

A promise is a promise!

M

[birthmom i am]

thank you very much it means alot to know someone knows how i feel and is willing to share this forum is such a healer
birthmom i am

[KellyStacy]

I feel for your situation.I want nothing more then to adopt,however adoptive parents make a choice when they apply for an adoption.With domestic adoption you have either open or closed adoptions. Personally, i find it very upsetting that the agency will not help you.I also think its horrible that the adoptive parents had an agreement they apparently had no intensions of keeping.I myself know an open adoption would not be for me.It can be kind of frighteneing the threat of a biological mother intervening in an adoption situation.But once an agreement is made all parties should respect and honer that promise.You have every right to have contact with your baby especially if you wanted an open adoption situation.There are differences in an open adoption some biological parents just want letters and pictures while others want some visits.My opinion is letters and pictures are fine but I could never agree to visits.Everyone is different but I feel the bottom line is no matter how much you want to adopt a child respect the wishes of the biological parents.I cannot pretend to know what or how you feel because I have never been in your situation.I have however seen on television heart-wrenching stories of true brave and amazing biological mothers who want only what is best for their baby--I see the pain the biological mom must have in her heart and yet she hands over her baby.I have sooo much respect for a biological mother who has the courage to know that adoption is what is best for their child.I cannot imagine EVER an adoptive parent just completely ignoring and turning their backs to a biological mother who just gave them the most precious gift they could ever receive a child.I hope you find peace .I hope the adoptive parents come to realize that they are wrong and should most definitely respect your wishes.You have a heart and you love your child very much they need to realize just because you give your baby up did not mean that your feelings could easily just turn off.Just know not all adoptive parents disrespect the biological mother's wishes.May God Bless you and hopefully you will be able to commuicate with your child one day soon.God Bless