[birthmom i am]

this is the rudest , meanest thing any one could do to a b mom who wants to bond with amom and child at first i was confused couldnt figure out why just when i think we are starting to bond the amom stops all contact with me my husband and i were talking about all the times the amom has done this its like she is trying to prove that has all the control she can start or stop contact at any time and the agency i hate even more for making me beleave they wrote what i wanted in the open adoption and making me sign it while i was on pain meds and so very dizzy i couldnt walk by my self in fear i would pass out which i did after i left the hospital at the bank of all places i told my acouncler i wanted pitures and letters at 2 4 6 8 and one year and two visits the first year and one vist every year there after and when i got home and saw the paper work and read that it wasnt at all what i asked for and called my acouncler told her that the paper was not right she said it was just a nicer way of making contact she put the letters the way i wanted but the visits were to be a the request of me or amom and dont worrie the want a open adoption too well that worked untill they didnt want me to see them any more then THEY HAD ME REFER TO THE AGREEMENT AND BECAUSE IT DIDNT SAY WHAT I WANTED IT TO SAY I DONT GET TO SEE HER i wish every girl thinking of puting a child up for adoption should have to look this forum up and find out this happens all the time im sorry i just had to vent

[keb25]

birthmom i am-

I am so sorry to hear all of the deception that you have been subjected to since relinquishment. As a pregnant woman considering placement myself, it horrifies me to hear that there are people out there who can be so cruel. It is very disheartening to know that even today so many agencies and even the legal system fail to protect the interests of birthparents so often. I pray that things get better for you, and that the adoptive parents realize their responsibility to honor your verbal agreement, regardless of what that piece of paper says.

-Kendra

[birthmom i am]

the amom told me we would have picnics in the park and go to the zoo and would never keep my other full siblings away from them well my 9 year old son hates the amom he misses her i think yust as much as i do and my 7 year old kind of runs off her brother cause she was only 2 when i gave the baby up and now i have a 2 year old who has never seen her

[Jennifer]

I too am very sorry to have read a post like yours and for the heartache you are going through and the way things were changed with your paperwork. I am a hopeful amom and I think it is a disgrace to the ones out here like myself who honor all the promises we make to a birth family and something like this happens that makes the rest of us look bad. It is so important for everyone involved in adoptions to develop a relationship based on trust and honesty. We as adoptive parents and hopeful aparents place alot of trust and faith in the birthmoms that they will not change their minds in the end and a birthmom places alot of trust in us that we will all follow through with the promises and commitments we make to each other. Promises made and commitments made should not be broken or changed once a baby is placed in the arms of an adoptive couple. That is my feeling and I will never change the way I feel or the way we do things. We were recently placed with a beautiful baby boy and I cannot think of how many rolls of film I have had developed with doubles and sent the second set to his birthmom. We do not know how our journey will be because his bdad has been playing a game of spite against his bmom because she wants nothing to do with him, so he has decided to challenge us in court with a custody hearing, even though he has NO intentions of raising his own son as he plans on passing him off to one of his family members, he still palys the game like this baby is a football or some other object.

Anyway, let us all remember the promises we make and the commitments we make to each other during our journeys should always be honored, of course with exceptions of it not being in the best interest of the child, but that is not why things were changed in the plans between birthmom i am and the adoptive couple she chose to raise her baby.

I wish you all the best and hope things get cleared up and your wishes are honored.

[banjo]

I can't understand why mums considering placing are relying on trust and not the law when they place their children. Surely there are other laws available where you can ensure your rights to a true open adoption are respected. I don't live in the US but I found a way of avoiding our country's adoption law which sounds the same as the US. I remain my daughter's legal guardian and the aparents are also her legal guardian and they have legal custody of her. Our visits are written in a separate contract which was accepted by the court. I wish there was an adoption support group that could suss this out and advise pregnant women considering adoption to find an alternative way to protect their rights.

If prospective aparents refuse to accept this type of arrangement then I don't think they are truly ready for open adoption...

Sure in some cases of violence, neglect, drugs etc - the horrid cases where bchildren and aparents all need protection - closed adoption will still be necessary but even then I think it should be open to change - ie a druggie violent bmum gets clean and deals with her anger etc - this does happen and I think then she should be entitled to have contact with her children. We have to start thinking of what is best for the children .

[KGreenT]

I usually browse these forums in hoping to get a glimpse of our how sons birthmother feels. We have a very open adoption but she doesn't really talk about her feelings of loss with me.

When I read your post, I literally had tears in my eyes. I am so very sorry that your sons adoptive parents have not honored the promises they made to you. My heart is breaking for you.

(((hugs)))

[birthmom i am]

thank you for caring and its good to know there are some good adoptive familys

[itsdmob]

Okay, I am about to say somethings that I know I am going to catch a lot of grief for, but I can not hold my tongue any longer. I am a birthmom, I relinquished my child nearly 21 years ago and have never regreted my decision. I apparently do not share the views of the vast majority of bmoms. I am tired of seeing postings of bmoms argueing for their rights. What about the rights of the aparents to lead a normal live. What about the rights of the child not to have to process who is who. I am sure some families are able to pull this off, but no one knows how a child is going to react 2, 3 or even 5 years from now. It must be terribly comfusing for them. Put yourselves in the aparents position. How would you feel about having to go throught the scutiny they have to go through, being checked and rechecked only to then have to "co-parent" with the bmom. I could not imagine having to share my child with someone else. I realize that most aparents enter the process knowing that the above could be a very strong possibility, but I am sure they would agree or think they would agree to anything just to have a family. And as far as the bmom's rights to later contact the child, I think that it is not your choice. You made your choice, I made mine. That poor child was thrust into a situation which was totally out of their control. Major decisions were made about their lives and they don't get a say. It is time to put some of the power of life decisions into the hands of the children. I knew that there was a possiblity that I would never see that child again and though the thought of that pains me to the core, I knew that could happen. What if the child is not mentally prepared to reunite with you? In my case, I am a full grown adult with many live experiences. She is still a young woman trying to find herself. If I loved her enough to let her go then, why be selfish now and interupt that process? I understand the strong pull to find and reconnect with a child, that is what lead me to this forum. I hope that she is looking for me but I would never assume that what is right for me is right for her. Maybe she is like many adoptees that have no desire to find their bparents ( we do not think there are many because we do not hear of them, but we wouldn't because they would not be here looking) so who am I to once again make a life altering decision for her. IMHO, it is time to let the families be families and not complicate the situation any further. Embrass the choice you made, honor the life that you gave up. Allow them to have some resemblence of normalcy and instead of grumbling about your rights, think about the rights of these babies. These little human beings that we all loved so much that we knew that what was best for them was to let them go.
I hope that I did not upset anyone too much, but there are times when someone needs to speak the truth. Adoption is such a delicate situation that people are afraid to speak how they feel. Some people are afraid that if harsh words are spoken, the bmoms will crumble under the pain. But anyone that has ever been in our shoes knows that we are not a timid bunch, that were are stronger then most, that is why we were able to make such a difficult decision.
Well, I have rambled on and spouted off enough. I will end this thread to give all of you the chance to bash me. I can take it. I am strong.
I mean no disrepect to anyone but I do not apologize for my candor.

[Sharon]

"this is the rudest , meanest thing any one could do to a b mom who wants to bond with amom and child at first i was confused couldnt figure out why just when i think we are starting to bond the amom stops all contact with me my husband and i were talking about all the times the amom has done this its like she is trying to prove that has all the control she can start or stop contact at any time and the agency i hate even more for making me beleave they wrote what i wanted in the open adoption and making me sign it while i was on pain meds and so very dizzy i couldnt walk by my self in fear i would pass out which i did after i left the hospital at the bank of all places i told my acouncler i wanted pitures and letters at 2 4 6 8 and one year and two visits the first year and one vist every year there after and when i got home and saw the paper work and read that it wasnt at all what i asked for and called my acouncler told her that the paper was not right she said it was just a nicer way of making contact she put the letters the way i wanted but the visits were to be a the request of me or amom and dont worrie the want a open adoption too well that worked untill they didnt want me to see them any more then THEY HAD ME REFER TO THE AGREEMENT AND BECAUSE IT DIDNT SAY WHAT I WANTED IT TO SAY I DONT GET TO SEE HER i wish every girl thinking of puting a child up for adoption should have to look this forum up and find out this happens all the time im sorry i just had to vent." ~ birthmom I am

I see from your profile that you live in Oregon. If that is where the adoption took place, you may have some legal recourse. It is my understanding the state of Oregon does recognize open adoption agreements as legally valid. If you feel that the adoptive parents are violating the terms of your agreement, I would suggest you contact an attorney. Consultations are free, and in the event that the case goes to court and the judge rules in your favor, it is my understanding that the adoptive parents will be required to cover all court costs and legal expenses, in addition to being ordered to comply with the original contact agreement.
If they think it's fun to play games with a mother's heart, let's see how well they like it when their money is on the line. If their motive is, as you suggest, to "prove they have all the control", then they need to be shown who really has all the control; that would be a judge. I agree in theory that open adoption should be all about relationships and compromise and blah blah blah, but obviously in your case it's not, it's about non-compliance, power struggles and ridiculous game-playing... and you are fortunate enough to live in a state where you have legal recourse. So go get em.
~ Sharon

"I am tired of seeing postings of bmoms argueing for their rights. What about the rights of the aparents to lead a normal live. " ~itsdmob

If adoptive parents' definition of "leading a normal life" includes not having any contact with their child's birthmother, then I agree they have every right to that; it's called "closed adoption" and it is one of the many options available to prospective adoptive parents. What they do not have the right to do is enter into an open adoption, make promises they have no intention of keeping, and procure an adoptive child under false pretenses. I'm just about sick to death of this scenario, and it's preposterous to me that anyone still has any sympathy or patience for it. I'm tired of hearing excuses! Nobody forced those aparents to agree to an open adoption. They did it so they could get a baby quicker. Period. They knowingly deceived this birthmother, deliberately making promises they did not intend to keep. The people who adopted my child did the same to me. Unlike the thread-starter, I was not fortunate enough to live in a state that recognizes open adoption agreements as legally valid. Since she lives in Oregon, I would suggest she bring this matter to the attention of the court. I'm sorry that you're "tired of hearing about birthmom's rights", but I suggest you get used to them, because they aren't going away. Quite the opposite.

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by itsdmob
What about the rights of the aparents to lead a normal live. What about the rights of the child not to have to process who is who. I am sure some families are able to pull this off, but no one knows how a child is going to react 2, 3 or even 5 years from now.

Actually they do have some information on how children react. Kids in closed adoptions actually have more questions about who birthparents are than those in open adoptions. There is less confusion in open adoptions because they know the facts and the people that gave birth to them.

Originally posted by itsdmob
It must be terribly comfusing for them. Put yourselves in the aparents position. How would you feel about having to go throught the scutiny they have to go through, being checked and rechecked only to then have to "co-parent" with the bmom

Birthparents in open adoptions do not co-parent. Period. It is a major myth. The vast majority of birthparents would not even give any advice on parenting because we know it is not our place. I have some things for you to read if you are interested in how open adoptions really work.

[creed_04679]

Sharon: I am in complete agreement with you. If aparents enter into open adoptions, then they should and must keep their end of the bargain, if this isn't going to happen, they need to do a closed adoption. I have heard of this so often in open adoptions that once the child is placed with the aparents, they break the contract. Its wrong. Birthmom I am, do as someone else suggested and contact whomever you must in the State of Oregon to regain your rights. Good Luck

[Mary Anne Y]

RIGHTS what about the child right to know whear we come from who we look like our rights to med histroy No one has the right to take that a way from all adoptes........ Just as my amom dont have the right to hold my info and tell me that idont have a right to search becouse she is my mother well yes on papper but I do have a mother who gave me life Just as birth moms dont have the right not to meet us and at the verry least give us our med histery if my bmom dont want anything to do with me that it fine but I have the right to know my med history ........ it is time all adoptee take off our masks.......... If aparents make agrement they should keep it no matter how hard it is for them we are still our birthmoms CHILD dont bach me BUT if you buy a car and it bracks down you would want that agrement to stand ........ all adoptions should be open as well as all adoption info May we all find peace with our selfs

[Missy M]

An agreement is an agreement is an agreement is an agreement...and every agreement written between a-and-b-parents during a placement needs to be either respected and honored and if it isn't the adoption needs to be recended. Until such laws...not rules, not handshakes, smiles and signatures, but actual legislative LAWS WITH PUNITATIVE ACTION are put into place this stuff will continue. A-parents who ignore or break the written contract guidelines need to be held accountable for their actions. Rules without consequences are simply harsh words....if and when the threat of having an adoption recended becomes a part of the contract this behavior will end.
I get so sick of people bowing and grinning and buying cute maternity clothes and party favors before the birth and doing a complete turn around afterwards, as soon as the ink dries. As long as "baby" is in utero the hopeful couple can't get enough of interacting with the mom-2-be; oh Dr.'s appts. lunch at Red Lobster, nightly phone conversations anything she needs is ok ....but as soon as Jr. bursts out of his protective enviorment she becomes yesterday's newspaper; simply part of the after-birth.
As I said on another post I have an employee whose open adoption was closed shut because the a-parents felt her dating a black man was inappropriate behavior and not something they wanted "their" son exposed to. I say it shouldn't matter if she dated Kermit the Friggin' Frog AND Miss Piggy they had no right to do this. How can they be concerned about the child when at age 3 they make the decision to end all contact with his mother? It all came down to what "THEY" felt with no regard for her or the child.
The above poster mentioned "co-parenting" well it was OK for them to accept the b-moms input into the birth process so they **** well need to be prepared to accept her involvement now.... and for those who can't agree to this is type of legally binding contract that includes having the adoption recended as a possible consequence...oh well see ya.' UGH UGH UGH>>>MissyM

[Missy M]

Originally posted by itsdmob
Okay, I am about to say somethings that I know I am going to catch a lot of grief for, but I can not hold my tongue any longer. I am a birthmom, I relinquished my child nearly 21 years ago and have never regreted my decision. I apparently do not share the views of the vast majority of bmoms.

*You got that right; you certainly don't Thank God.*



I am tired of seeing postings of bmoms argueing for their rights. What about the rights of the aparents to lead a normal live.

*A-parents do not become parents in the "normal" way; its an alternative method and it requires alternative methods of response.*


What about the rights of the child not to have to process who is who. I am sure some families are able to pull this off, but no one knows how a child is going to react 2, 3 or even 5 years from now.

*WHAT??? The child can easily be told who is who...and more importantly who HE is. As far as knowing how he/ she is going to react 2,3,5 years from now how would knowing its true identity harm a child? it seems IMHO that the lack of knowledge seems to be the problem.*


It must be terribly comfusing for them. Put yourselves in the aparents position. How would you feel about having to go throught the scutiny they have to go through, being checked and rechecked only to then have to "co-parent" with the bmom.

* Its not like b-moms are asking to come over nightly and provide the 2am breast feeding; they simply want some type of involvement in the childs life, and BTW: the baby isn't a prize offered for passing the security check.*

I could not imagine having to share my child with someone else.

*AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A B-MOM????* What exactly did you think the adoption process involved??


I realize that most aparents enter the process knowing that the above could be a very strong possibility, but I am sure they would agree or think they would agree to anything just to have a family.

*SO we can expect them to lie and cheat just to have a baby, right? Well thats not the family for my child; I wanted good honest wholesome parents, not folks would agree to just about anything to become parents!*


And as far as the bmom's rights to later contact the child, I think that it is not your choice. You made your choice, I made mine.

* But OPEN ADOPTION was the choice she made!*


That poor child was thrust into a situation which was totally out of their control. Major decisions were made about their lives and they don't get a say. It is time to put some of the power of life decisions into the hands of the children.

* OMGOSH....you feel itty-bitty newborns should have the power of making life decisions?? They didn't get a say...HELLO...most newborns are incapable of saying anything. Well perhaps we all should just scrap the adoption plans, just leave a friggin' map. telephone book and a bus pass at the hospital and let the baby decide where it wants to live!!!...Did you proof read any of the stuff you posted or are you simply hitting the keys randomly?*


I knew that there was a possiblity that I would never see that child again and though the thought of that pains me to the core, I knew that could happen. What if the child is not mentally prepared to reunite with you?

* Lets not even address the idea of someone in YOUR triad not being mentally prepared.
You don't rush over and yell "I am your Mommy" at the child you see in the mall one Sunday; reunion is a process and to avoid the shock and trauma you interact with the child during scheduled visits, phone calls, photo's etc.*

In my case, I am a full grown adult with many live experiences. She is still a young woman trying to find herself. If I loved her enough to let her go then, why be selfish now and interupt that process?



* Since when does open equal interuption? In fact open adoption would prevent the need for any type of interuption ever....*



Embrass the choice you made, honor the life that you gave up.


*{Embrace} verb.... to "Hold on to".....*


*By continuing to express your love and explain your actions, by simply being available.*


Adoption is such a delicate situation that people are afraid to speak how they feel.

* Not in this forum.*

But anyone that has ever been in our shoes knows that we are not a timid bunch, that were are stronger then most, that is why we were able to make such a difficult decision.

* I was a scared timid 16 year old when I placed.*


Well, I have rambled on and spouted off enough.

* Yes, finally we agree.*

Wow...you are a peice of work...thank you for posting such interesting crap.....MissyM

[Jennifer]

I think this post may get me yelled at but here goes. I did not mean to imply in my earlier post that aparents do not have rights because we do and one is to raise this child in a loving and secure home and to give him or her the kind of life that his/her bparents were not able to. Aparents should not have to feel afraid or insecure that a bparent is going to come and take back their child but let me tell it is a very scary feeling when you are loving and bonding with a 2month old who has made the same bonds and you have no idea if this child is going to still be in your home in a month, now that I got off topic sorry but that is what we are faced with right now ..... a spiteful and vengeful bdad trying to get even and get custody of his son to only give him to someone else to raise. I do not believe that was the reason why birthmom i am's agreement was changed.

I believe aparents and bparents need to get to know each other before the birth of these precious children that us as adoptive parents are being entrusted with, especially if it is to be an open or semi open adoption, where is the problem with getting to know each other, after all how else is a bmom suppose to be confident and sure of her decision when we are chosen by them. As for open agreements ...... if they are made they should be kept... bottom line!! There are some states that uphold and enforce open adoption agreements that are in writing, verbal may be a little harder. If open adoption is not right for everyone involved than do not agree to photos, visits or whatever unless you are fully confident that you will not change your minds. It is very sad to hear of things like this happening and they do.

Birthmom I am ....... I hope you have a copy or something in writing that states the way the agreement was to be before any changes were made. Who made the changes, agency or aparents???