[keb25]

I have posted a few times on these forums since I found out I was pregnant back in September, and the insights of others have certainly been a source of comfort. However, here I am now six months pregnant and I still feel very torn. As my baby has grown and started to move inside me, I have begun to feel very attached to her. Now I find myself feeling that I dread the day I give birth. Not because I want to be pregnant forever, and not because I fear the pain of childbirth (though who doesn't), but because I will have to let her go. I don't think I am ready to be a mother, but I'm afraid I'll never be able to pull myself back together after she's gone. Even if I got letters and pictures from her parents every week, it still wouldn't make up for not being there. The babys father feels very strongly about our going ahead with the adoption though. I do understand where he's coming from, but selfishly I also know it's not his choice. I have always regarded this child as a blessing and a positive event in my life, but I fear her birth father does not. Recently we were filling out paperwork for the adoption and I found out that the only members of his family that know of my pregnancy are his parents. He hasn't even told his brother and sister. Words can't describe how much it hurts me to know that he is treating this baby like some dirty little secret. We have known each other for five years and I have met almost every member of his immediate and extended family. I just can't understand why he is so ashamed. I know part of it is surely pressure from his catholic parents who even suggested I have an abortion early on, but a part of him must also not want people to know. He told me that it didn't seem fair to him that if we keep the child he will be forced to be just a weekend dad at best. It's true that I would want primary custody if we were to raise this baby, and in light of my being the mother (not to mention the more financially stable of the two of us), it seems likely that this would be the case. We live in Florida now, but he wants to move to California after the baby is born. I, on the other hand, have a year left of graduate school and then hope to move to Virginia. He is unwilling to compromise on location, and to a certain extent , I am too. I know we are going to have our own lives, and therefore, we can't provide the most favored family situation for this baby, but is that reason alone for not even trying. I am too far from trying to work out all of the problems and questions that might come up in the future if we raise this child, because I've learned the hard way that you can't predict what the future will hold. However, I also feel that the potential challenges don't have to scare us into thinking that we are incapable of being parents. Can someone help me understand why he would rather choose not being a father at all over being the best one he can.

Kendra

[Kindreds]

Kendra, if you are in graduate school, you are old enough to know and have witnessed via friends and family that sometimes men, even thought they love us, do not stay in our lives for a lifetime. Children do however. You are blessed to have great potenetial via your educational pursuits. If you are in grad school you have already attained a bachelors degree. If you are in grad school, you have passed tough exams to gain entry. You have a lot of potential. Realize that any financial set back for you may be a maximum of 5 years. You do not have an inkling at this point in time as to the pain and suffering you will endure by relinquishing your child. It is a lifelong sentence. Please dig down deep within your self to listen to your heart and soul. You will be giving away a piece of your soul you will never regain. I am witness to this as I relinquished my daughter 33 years ago. We reunited last year but we will never regain what we lost, reunion is bittersweet for us - we love each other so much, but what is done is done, lost forever. Please listen to your heart, it is calling out to you as is your child, listen to her.
Wishing for peace to come to you.

[stonewolfe74]

Kendra, Are you recieving any type of counciling? If you are with an agency/facilitator they should provide you with it before and after birth. I know this can't be easy for you and may God give you strength and wisdom during this time.

[Jackiejdajda]

Kendra wrote..Can someone help me understand why he would rather choose not being a father at all over being the best one he can.

Because he is weak? Because he bends to the will of others?
Because he really does not have a clue as to what he should do?

But its who he is..

You are going to have to live with your decision and he is going to have to live with his decision.
I think it becomes an individual thing.. Who wants to keep and who does not.
My parents did not want me to keep.. And there are times when I really worry that I made my decision on terms of their wants..

But that was who I was at the time.. I was someone who wanted to listen to my parents..

I say decide for yourself.. If he wants to stick with you.. great..
If he does not want to stick with you.. his decision.

Jackie

[tracieinalaska]

Kendra,

I would really encourage you to do a lot of research of the affects of adoption on children. I placed my daughter 15 years ago for adoption. I was 18 when she was born. I placed her because I wanted her to have a stable two parent family. A year ago I got a call from her adoptive parents telling me that she was running away, using drugs, suicidal and cutting on herself. Talk about a shock. Although my daughter is not angry at me and we are forming a wonderful relationship, she acknowledges that a lot of the problems she experienced were a result of feeling like she was completly rejected by me...an outcast. That was light years from the truth, but sometimes childrens minds cannot wrap themselves around the concept that "she loved you so she gave you away". For some children that translates to rejection no matter how you put it. There are some adoptees who don't seem to be as affected by being adopted, but there are others who are greatly affected. I had NO IDEA when I placed my daughter that I would be hurting her by doing so. I truly thought that I was the only one who would hurt.

With that said, I am not saying adoption is bad. Even with the struggles my daughter has had, there have been some very wonderful things come out of our adoption experience. I am wondering now with open adoption being so common that much of what my daughter experienced won't be such a huge problem. I have wondered if we would have had an open adoption from the beginning and I could have reassured her of my love over the years, maybe she wouldn't have struggled so much??? Anyway, just want to encourage you to learn as much as you can before you make your decision. I pray God gives you wisdom. Tracie.

[LegallyKim]

My heart goes out to you. It is a very difficult decision, to say the least. I do not know why the biofather does not want to be a father. Its not about him anyway. Its about you and the child you are carrying. I think the best advice I have ever heard, is educate yourself as to ALL of your options, and choose what you feel is best. I placed my baby for adoption almost 16 years ago. 3 years later, I gave birth to a little girl. The biofather told me he didn't want to have to tell anyone. I was unsympathetic as my 8 foot belly did not allow me to "hide" it! I had already been forced into adoption once, I was determined it would not happen again and I have raised my daughter. Biodad sends a check once a month through the State and has never once seen her. When my daughter was 2, I met a man who I eventually married and he has been a wonderful father to her. My point is, don't base your decision on what HE wants, base it on what YOU want for yourself and your baby. Do what is right for you, and your baby, whether it be adoption of keeping the child. Big Hugs to you!

[enerad]

Focus what you want regarding everythings, graduate school, places to live, adoption, etc... See if the agency, a church, or school (if you are in graduate school, they should have councilor at the health center) and find a professional to talk too.

You need to sort out your feelings, and the best people who can do that are professionals, they focus on you and your feelings.

I fear in these adoption forums, that too many of our feeling, experiences, etc... might muddle your thoughts.

Let your heart.... make the best decision for yourself.

BIG HUGS

[emergence]

Dear Keb

I think you know that "he" is selfish and immature. I also think that he is overcome with fear. I do feel for you, you can only rely on yourself to find the best thing for you and your baby. My personal thoughts are that babies should be with their mothers.

I have found my daughter after more than 25 years. We have a good relationship but my word it hurts when I think what I have missed. When I think that a few years of hardship (perhaps) would not have been the end of the world, I would have had my beauty in my life for always.

Good luck

[1stmom]

Three words: Keep your baby.

[billysmommy]

Most of the responses here seem to be from women who have been in the same shoes - I am the opposite. I am an amom in an open adoption. The first thing that came to my mind as I read your post was that if I was the potential adoptive parent for your child, I would be wondering why you are even considering adoption in the first place. Sorry, but that was my honest to G-d first thought. It is clear that you love your child ( not that mothers who relinquish don't love their children), you have the education and what sounds like the means to raise this child. And most important, you seem to have the desire and need to parent this child. I am all for adoption - in the right circumstances. These days single parents are as common as two parent families. Perhpas the father of your child is afraid? Perhaps the baby is not yet "real" to him, since he cannot feel it, etc., like you can. Perhaps being a part-time father is not what he dreamed of when he thought of becoming a father one day? Life throws all of us unexpected curves, and we can only make the best of them. My son's bmom didn't have any means to raise her child - no education, no support, no financial resources, and honestly, no desire. And yet, she STILL struggles with her decision. That child is a part of you, and if you relinquish, even if you are certain about your decision, it is not something that you will just "get over" I would definitely suggest intense counseling and much thought before making an adoption plan.
And one funny about your post was that I just moved from Va. to Fl. It's a whole lot warmer here, LOL
Best of luck in whatever you decide..............
Hugs
Stacy

[1stmom]

Ditto everything Stacy said.

[LegallyKim]

Stacy, I am amazed at your compassion and understanding of the birthmother considering you are an adoptive mother. Your advice sounds more like it is coming from a birthmother. Although there are many adoptive parents who want to understand and see things from the birthmothers perspective, I think there are not that many that understand as well as you seem too and I think you offered the original poster of this thread some very good advice. Just wanted to tell you that.

[creed_04679]

Stacy: Just wanted to tell you what a wonderful Amother you must be, your advice was from the heart in favor of the bmother. God Bless You.
Also, I must say to Keb: Keep the Baby, your life will never be the same if you relinquish the baby, adoption is forever.

[keb25]

I want to thank all of you who have posted here. It always makes things a little easier when you have the support of so many wonderful people. It is often difficult to discuss my pregnancy with family because everyone has their own personal agenda in giving advice. From my incredible mother who I think would grieve just as much as me if I placed, to a sister who is jealous that she has had to share her own pregnancy with her baby sister and consequently pushed me toward abortion first and now adoption, to my grandmother who offered to adopt my baby (but she’s 85) just to keep her in the family, and then back to a birth father who has stuck around but can’t wait to leave me after placement…I have all sorts of biased voices ringing in my head (some with better intentions than others). I think my struggle with my pregnancy stems not from sorting out what all of the people in my life want for me, but what I want for myself and my baby. I know it’s up to me, but my heart feels so many conflicting emotions that they seem impossible to straighten out. There are so many women out there who choose adoption because they truly have no other loving choice. I wish that my situation were black and white, but it is not. I am capable of raising a child, but there are so many wonderful adoptive parents out there who are so much more prepared than I am. Part of me is ready to shed the selfishness and immaturity of a typical young adulthood and embrace motherhood, and part of me wants to go back to being a “normal” 22 year old single woman whose career goals aren’t defined by the limitations of single parenthood and whose social life is not limited by finding a reliable babysitter. Anyway- I just want to thank everyone for their responses as I think everything through. This is the most difficult decision I think I will ever face.

-Kendra

As a birthmom to a 13 yr old bson and a Mommy to 4 other wonderful children I learned this little saying 11 years ago when I gave birth to my son whom I kept..... ADOPTION IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO WHAT IS USUALLY A TEMPORARY SITUATION, Think long and hard about the decision you are about to make. If you need to talk, I will always be here.

Michelle