[beth1965]

Kendra,

You are educated, mature, compassionate and love your child. The decision to keep your child should be based on the parent you can be. From what you've written, it seems you would be a wonderful mother. If you place your child for adoption, you have no way of knowing whether he will be raised in a two parent family which seems to be the only thing holding you back.

If you want to keep this baby, you should do so - with or without the babies father.

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by keb25
I think my struggle with my pregnancy stems not from sorting out what all of the people in my life want for me, but what I want for myself and my baby. I am capable of raising a child, but there are so many wonderful adoptive parents out there who are so much more prepared than I am. Part of me is ready to shed the selfishness and immaturity of a typical young adulthood and embrace motherhood, and part of me wants to go back to being a “normal” 22 year old single woman whose career goals aren’t defined by the limitations of single parenthood and whose social life is not limited by finding a reliable babysitter. Anyway- I just want to thank everyone for their responses as I think everything through. This is the most difficult decision I think I will ever face.

-Kendra

PLEASE do not base any part of your decision comparing yourself with prospective adoptive parents. What YOU have to give, no adoptive parent can give. Remember that adoption should only happen as a last resort because seperation causes trauma and loss for both the birthparents and the baby. One more thing. No matter what you decide you will never be able to go back to being a "normal" 22 year old. You may very well find that your career goals and social life mean little in the face of the loss of your child. I have seen that happen much too often. You may find that you welcome the limitations children bring. A wise woman once said, "As a woman you can have it all (meaning a high powered career, children, etc.) you just cannot have it all at once." Read The Complete Single Mother by Andrea Angber and Leah Klugness. It covers a lot. Also Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year by Anne Lamott is a great, funny, realistic book on single parenting an infant

[KellyStacy]

Kendra,If there is one thing I would advise you to please take your time and make the decision you feel is right.Your the one who will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life.Maybe your boyfriend is not ready to be a father,but maybe you are ready to be a mom.Reading your message seems to me that you are leaning more towards wanting this baby and because of your boyfriend you tend to just have mixed feelings.I feel for your situation and I can only imagine the heartache you must feel.There are plenty of single moms out there I am not saying it would be easy because sometimes it might not,but its possible.A friend of mine had a baby and the bilogical father had nothing to do with the baby until the child was around one and then for some reason he became interested in his child.Nobody can actually say why your boyfriend is not interested maybe for him adoption would be the right choice,however I feel you feel differently.I am not at all against adoption I myself want to adopt.Adoption can be a wonderful thing,but I feel only if that is the choice that in your heart you know is the right one.I am very much concerned for you because i would not want you to regret ever giving your child up.I don't know your situation with your boyfriend but he might not always be around.You need to decide if you could be able to care for a child without your boyfriend.You need to voice your opinions and how you feel at this time.A baby is not always something you plan,but I feel sometimes it something that happens for a reason.You need to be honest with yourself and how you truely feel. I would imagine its hard for any biological mom to hand over her child for adoption,but if your feelings are so strong then i think adoption might not be the right answer for you.I can only imagine the hurt you feel especially since your boyfriend did not tell many people,but everyone handles things differently.Please if you need a friend to email and just tell things to you can email me Jones3513@cs.com Prayer sometimes helps -meanwhile I will pray that the choice you make will be the right one for you.God Bless

[melon161]

Kendra, I am not an adoptive mother yet but hope to be soon but reading your thread I just want to say that yes, there are many wonderful adoptive parents out there that can't have children but do not put your child up for adoption based on that. If you feel you want to keep your child then you should. It is your right and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Follow your heart. God Bless Kendra.

Stacy

[sls_93]

Kendra,
I know you are having all these doubts because of your age and social life but, think about it long and hard. I mean most adoptive parents have no experience in raising children and the child turns out just fine. You know my Aunt was in the same situation you are in when she was 21 except the Bio Father was very abusive and she only had a GED. That child now is 25 and has a gorgous wife and nice house and a good job. She backed out of the abortion when she got there to do it. Then decieded she couldn't live with giving him up, so she kept him. Well, yeah the first 5 years was hard because she was single then she met the man she married and has raised the child. That child now is more like the "step-dad" daddy than the mom. He is very close to them both but his ways are just like his Dads.
Another, experience I have had is that a girl we were going to adopt from decieded at the last minute to keep the baby, and that baby is now fixing to be 3 and the birthmom has another one. That birthmom has no education but has a "ok" job and is raising both of those girls by herself. Yes, she goes out and between her mom and I we babysit for her.
My point is you have so much to offer you unborn child and with or without her dad you can do it.
Just give it to GOD and he will see you through it and help you deal with whatever you do.
SLS
Advocating Awaiting Adoption
Home Study Approved

[tinazimm]

I'm also a single mom of two little girls 3 and 9 I just bought a new house and a barbershop in Breckenridge. It can be done. It is hard I won't lie to you but I come home to these little girls very night and thank god for them everyday. Emily is in daycare 4 days a week and hannah in 3ed grade and no man in sight but by god we are all doing great. Placeing 12 yrs ago was hard and I was in collage also but it left a hole in my heart that really never closed. It's an open adoption and I get to see her but I also see what I've missed out in those 12 yrs. Everyone here has given you the best advise I have done it all had an abortion adoption and now single parenting. You are strong believe in yourself. You can parent. http://www.picturetrail.com/tinazimm my adoption story Best of luck Tina

[l-thompson]

You love this baby so much already. Imagine how you feel when you hold your baby in your arms.

You seem to be a very educated, sensible young woman.

I agree with another poster...regardless of the decision you eventually make, you will never again be the 22 year old woman you once were.

Best Wishes

[maryjanek]

I don't think anyone has mentioned one very important part of making your decision -- you can't know for sure what you want to do until after the baby is born, because until then you don't really know what motherhood means. By all means search your heart, look into alternatives, and educate yourself about single motherhood and adoption. Just remember the biggest factor of all in your decision has yet to see the light of day

My very best wishes for you and your baby, whatever the future brings.

Mary Jane

[willow birdlady]

Please keep your baby. Your situation will improve I promise you. I was forced to give up a daughter that would have had a good life with me. Keeping your baby will not stop you from reaching your goals but give you a bigger reason to go on. The pain never ever goes away. Don't be bullied like I was. If I could go back I never would have given her up. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. I also though about how the a parents would feel if I kept my daughter. But of course I kept those feelings to myself. This baby chose you for a reason you will not let her down. You will be a great mom of that I have no doubt. Keep us informed.

[Sharon]

"• That motherhood is one of the most sacred and beautiful things that can ever happen to a person, even though it seems sometimes that society does not hold it in very high esteem or give it the respect that is due.
• That other people wanted me to decide on adoption for their own reasons related to their own self interest, not the best interests of my child
• That the time may never be “right” to enter into motherhood. That you simply make it right when you become a mother.
• That I was already a mother once I decided to carry my pregnancy to term.
• That I would continue forever to be a mother regardless of whether or not my child was adopted. But that if she was adopted, I would be a mother without my child.
• That there is no loss greater than the loss of a child
• That my baby needed me
• That I would lose such a big part of myself and my heart and my soul when I lost my daughter
• That the experience of losing my daughter that way would affect my feelings about my future pregnancy, parenthood, other people’s babies, relationships with men.
• That one day I would have to tell my son that he has a big sister he has never met, and hear his hurt gasp when I tell him.
• That even finally meeting my daughter does not erase my losses. She already has a mom. I can not be mom to her even now. It’s forever. It still hurts. I am 41 years old, and it still hurts.
• That my concerns about how my life would change after having a child are concerns that ALL expectant first time parents have. That those concerns are normal.
• That all the concerns I had about being a young single parent would present themselves to me again 5 years later, when I became pregnant again in even less “favourable” circumstances. That I would be a single parent anyway, and that it would be a challenge, but also a great joy. That being a single parent in very difficult circumstances (on the run from an abusive marriage), would not be nearly as hard on my psyche as trying to go on living without my precious firstborn. Because I had my baby, and my baby had me."
~ Moxie

This is incredibly well-stated, and so very true.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.
~ Sharon

[Southernroots]

Mary Jane made an really important comment that is so important for you to hear. Until you hold your baby in your arms, you can not truly know how you feel about your baby. Many mothers fall head over heels in love with their babies from the first second they hold them, if not before birth. If you can hold your baby and still feel it will not break your heart to relinquish it, then, and only then consider adoption for your child. Give motherhood a chance first though.

As you can tell from all the emails from birth mothers who have responded, most of us regret relinquishing our children, and wished we had known how terribly losing our children would affect us, not just for awhile, but for the rest of our lives. Relinquishing a child also affects your whole family. We also did not know that our children could be affected as severely by their relinquishment as many have been.

I am a reunited birthmother of a son who is almost 35 - though we have been reunited 2 1/1 years - the pain continues - I will never completely "get over" losing my son - he has another mother - he will never think of me as his mother - I lost my chance to ever be his mother in his eyes. I am fortunate though - he and I now have a strong relationship - but it will also hurt that he calls another woman "mother" and gives her the respect and love she deserves as the woman who raised him. No matter what I do now, she has a 32 year headstart on mothering him - I can never "catch up".

The mothers who have relinquished want to spare you the profound pain and regret we feel - that's why we write to you. We know how relinquishing a child feels 5, 10, 15 or in my case 34 years down the road. Raising a child is never easy, but, like Moxie said, we have to take them when they come to us. Even if you are lucky enough to have other children (and some birth mothers do not or can not) - it still does not make up for the one you lost - nothing can or does. Moxie's email was terrific and thanks to the caring adoptive moms who chimed in as well.

I hope that you decide to give your baby a chance to be raised by its mother - no one else is better suited to raise your baby than you or can love it better than you.

[creed_04679]

Birdlady, Moxie and Southern Roots:
I totally agree with your comments to Maryjane. Please listen to all of us that have put out children up for adoption, the pain never ends and forever changes you as a person and your child. Like Southernroots, I also am reunited with my 34 yr old son and we finally have a good relationship, He just left today after spending the weekend with us, but my guilt of leaving him behind to let someone else raise will forever haunt me. creed

[beth1965]

Kendra,

I'm an adoptee and can tell you that the pain doesn't just stay with the birth mother. Your child will carry this with him/her forever as well. Many of us do not "fit in" with our adoptive families. And, even in reunion, do not really "fit in" with our birth families. I would rather have been raised by a single mother who loved me, wanted me, and had things in common with me, rather than having feelings of rejection and a lack of connection. Keep your baby!

[creed_04679]

Kendra: I know where you are coming from. Although my sonhad a wonderful upbringing with very specil parents, he has said many, many times that although he loves and respects his aparents, he never has felt a part of them. It breaks my heart. Don't get me wrong, he loves them but is so very different from him. Genectics play more of a role than most aparents are willing to acknowledge and accept. So Sad. I wish you nothing but the best and hope that you can maintain an equally balance between the 2 famlies. Until someone has walked in our shoes (bithmothe and child) they will never fully understand the pain that goes along wth parting with our children. Its not normal for us Bmothes to think anything different. Peace be with you. creed

[heathernwolf]

As an adoptive mom, I did not want my son's birthmom to have any doubts about her decision. I don't believe that any adoptive parent would. We have a semi-open adoption by the birthmother's choice. I love my son so much and I thank God every day that we have him. However, my heart also breaks every day for the beautiful, courageous young woman who gave life to him. She missed his first smile (that turns you to jelly when you see it), she will never know the feel of his little arms around her neck, the pure bliss it is to snuggle him when he is cuddly. She missed the elation I felt when he stood up for the first time and took his first hesitant steps. She will never get to hear that pure, unabashed, hilarious giggle. She has missed it all. The letters and dozens of pictures we send every few months just don't convey all those things. Any potential adoptive parent to your baby would love him or her very much, but they won't know what they missed if they don't adopt your child--you certainly will.

It sounds to me as though the baby's father is bullying you into making this decision. You put it rather well yourself when you said that you think that other people are giving you advice based on their own agendas. You are right, they have their own agendas and no matter what they may be telling themselves ("it's for your own good," etc.) the bottom line is that they don't have to live with your decision for the rest of their lives. YOU are the one who has to live with your inner voice and whatever it tells you about your decision.

Please seek counseling. You are entitled to it under the law. It should be figured into the adoption fees for the adoptive parents whether you are working with an agency (which I personally recommend) or if you are working with an adoption attorney. You are entitled to it, free of charge, and the adoptive parents gladly pay for it to have the peace of mind that comes with knowing that their birthmom is sure of her decision and has come to it on her own terms--not someone else's. Just a note: If you feel that your counselor is pushing you in one direction or another, request to be assigned a new one (they can have agendas too).

If you do decide to make an adoption plan for your baby, know that for every horror story you hear, there are thousands of adoptees that are healthy, well-adjusted individuals who know they are loved by both their adoptive AND biological parents.

If you decide to parent your baby, also know that all the doubts that you have now will disappear as you get to know and fall in love with your baby.