[banjo]

Please, please take your time about this and don't be rushed into signing anything by anyone! If you want to take your child home and spend important time saying goodbye to her/him do it - don't let people talk you out of doing what your heart feels is best. I took my child home and spent three weeks with her. Don't let people rave on about how you will bond with your child and not be able to let her/him go - if you truly feel adoption is the best then you will do it anyway. Plus most bmoms will bond with the child no matter what and many feel totally miserable for years then have to deal with unresolved grief. Then end up trying to reunit with this child and find that difficult because of all the rejection/abandonment feelings over the adoption. I'd personally advise pregnant woman not to do it - but I don't know your personal circumstances - everyone's story is different - and it could be right for you. All this aside I feel there will always be a need for adoption but I want it child focused and open to change rather than parent focused. If you go ahead please consider open adoption. If you can handle it ensure you get plenty of visits, letters and photographs and videos. Also please make sure you always turn up for visits or else explain to the aparents why you can't . If aparents are keeping up their end of the agreement, bparents should at least acknowledge that and keep in touch. Also Always send birthday cards and Christmas cards, at least, to your birthchild for the rest of their childhood.Best of luck it's such a difficult time.

[ptlyons]

bmdyer-

I've heard similar comments from other people who gave children up for adoption around that same time (1969). Also, I've been told it was something that women wore more as a badge of shame than a badge of honor. I'm saddened to hear that.

Anyhow, the only effort I've made in the direction of finding my birth mother is to register with several of the larger reunion registries. I guess that only works if she does the same. But, I don't want to be aggressive about this. I don't want to find her if she doesn't wish to be found.

I heard that in the State of Oregon, adoption records were opened by the courts. I think that was a shameful decision, openly in violation of the agreement the state had to protect the privacy of birth mothers (and adoptees, for that matter). Even if Illinois did the same thing, I would not request my records.

I'd like to meet my birth mom, but I don't want to violate her privacy in finding her.

Peter

[mrgreen]

it's great that you're looking for support. your pregnancy will most likely be the most important time in your life, as you will never forget your child. i released for adoption over two years ago and I'd be happy to offer you any support I can. however, there's so much to say, I dont' know what to say. so, I guess ask me any questions that you might have--i'd be happy to answer anything or even just identify with the hardships!

[bmdyer]

Originally posted by ptlyons
bmdyer-

I don't want to find her if she doesn't wish to be found.


I'd like to meet my birth mom, but I don't want to violate her privacy in finding her.

Peter

Peter,
if you ever decide to find your mother, use an adoption locator. They help through the whole procedure. Kim used one and she called me and we talked. Her first words were Kim doesn't want to violate your privacy.
I was so excited and yes, very nervous but oh so happy. Kim and I talked the next day and now are very close. I am not her mom and never will be. Yet I am her best friend - (her words).
I have met and talk with LOTS of birthmoms and all of them would love to have contact with the child they relinquished. None that I know have felt or feel there would be an invasion of privacy. Most were like me never had registered with any registry because we were told NOT to do that. Think about this and if you feel you can add more family and LOVE to your life, then go for it. I was told recently that only 3% of birthmoms do not want to meet their children, or babies as we think of you.
When the time to really look comes around, you will know. And begin talking to other birthmoms and see how they feel.
B

[irish11970]

Jenny,
As a bmom myself, I can identify with all of your emotions right now. I relinquished in 1987 and it was the hardest decision I have made in my life. I wish I had gotten counseling during my pregnancy to help me deal with the emotions I was having. I strongly reccomend this and keep going after the birth. You are very lucky to have this site for support as well. I wish I had this then. I also agree with getting an outline together with the aparents regarding just how open the adoption is. I was supposed to receive pictures for the first 5 yrs. and only received 1 at the time of her christening. This was all done through the agency I went through. At 17 I was very niave to the ways of the world, and my parents were too shocked to be of any help. We were all so very uneducated on adoption.
God bless you and please feel free to contact me if you just need to talk. Jenn11970@msn.com
You will know in your heart what is right.
Jenn

[Lady-C]

My name is Carol, I am an in-family adoptee. I actually wish that
I hadn't been kept in the family. Whatever trauma my bmother
went thru she buried it deep and she will not acknowledge me
as her daughter. By the time I was a teenager I was a chronic
runaway and at 16, in 1960, I had my only child and I gave him to adoption. I know it was best for him, worst for me. I walked
around with a big HOLE in my heart. It stayed there until 1996
when we were reunited. It is very hard to give up your baby.
Are there any alternatives for you? Of course you will do what
you deem to be the best choice, for the baby, you and your
family. My heart really goes out to you. I just want you to be
aware, that bmothers do not forget and go on with there lives
as if nothing happened. There is much pain. This is the truth as
I know it and I have heard from so many other bmothers I have
met online.
I really don't know which is harder, being a birth mother or
being an adoptee.
I will be thinking of you.
Sending many hugs your way.

[Terry607]

Hello, the decision you are making is a hard one. I had to make the same decision when I gave up my little girl on 1/6/84, just remember that no matter what your baby will always be with you. In your heart. You need someone to talk to email me OK

[tgif41]

Hi Jenny,
I am also a bmom who placed 27 years ago. It was the best decision I could have ever made. It didn't make the pain go away any quicker, time helped that, but just knowing she was going to a loving home and parents who were ready for her was what kept me together. It was a closed adoption so I didn't have any info on them, I could only ask for specifics-nationality, catholic, etc.
Know that all of us birthmoms are there for you. It won't be easy-I won't try and kid you, but you are doing the best thing for your baby and your other children. You are doing what so many people are afraid to do-they assume since they are raising other children that they have to also raise additional children. You have to be realistic and I truly believe that you are being realistic. I will say a prayer for you.
Teresa

[jswing]

Hi Jenny,

I'm a birthmom also,I gave my son up for adoption 28yrs ago,I truly remember those feelings I also feel for you,but know you are the best mom.For doing the right thing.All your feelings are normal.And you are giving someone else a blessing that no one could compare.You are in my prayers.

God Bless
jswing