[soultube]

Hi I'm an adoptee and i have been reading through a lot of the posts in this section. I am a little surprised to hear bmothers saying they have a 'Great' or 'successfull' adoption when their child is still very young. You won't know if the adoption has been successsfull until your child has grown up and then THEY can tell you how 'great' their adoption has been.

Having loving aparents does not take away the pain that many adoptees feel and being in an open adoption where you watch your birthmom go home with her 'own' children after a visit is very painful and confusing.

You may feel your adoption plan has been great for you and the afamily but perhaps you should wait until your child is old enough to decide for themselves before you go around telling everyone how great you think adoption is.

[Sharon]

I understand your feelings (I also posted on the archived thread that you resurrected).
One thing you must realize is that we (forum members) are constantly learning, growing and evolving through our interaction with other triad members. The thread you posted on was not recent. I don't know how old it was, but it was already consigned to the archives. These days, I think most of us are a little more objective about adoption than some members were in the past. Most of us are now aware that there are three sides to the adoption triad, and an adoption cannot be called an unqualified success until all parties involved have been heard from. Ultimately (at least IMO), the success or failure of an adoption hinges almost entirely on how the adoptee feels about it. Even an adoption that was a total nightmare for the birthmother or aparents could be tentatively labeled "successful" if the adoptee grew up to be happy and well-adjusted. I mean, that's the whole point, right? And even an adoption that made the aparents and birthmother joyously happy would not be successful, in my eyes, if the adoptee grew up to be an unhappy and maladjusted individual as a direct result of adoption-related issues.
Read on, my friend. I think you'll find a great many people on this forum who feel positive about their own adoption experiences, but at the same time realize that not everyone's experience is equally positive, but that their feelings are still equally valid. Most people I've met on the forum are sensitive to and supportive of the experiences of others, both good and bad.
~ Sharon

[soultube]

Yes you are correct that i responded to a post from a number of years ago. However there are posts here made over the last few months from bmoms, with infants they have relinquished very recently, saying how wonderful adoption is for everyone.

Excuse me if I'm wrong but isn't adoption meant to be about the child and what is best for them.

Adoption is not a success story unless the adoptee tells you it is.
And they can't do that until their an adult. I'm not saying that some of these adoptions don't work out just fine. But when the child is still a child I think it is a little premature to start saying how wonderful it's all been.

[dl]

I believe that when bioparents or aparents post that the adoption is going well they are referring to the baby/child appearing to be content and adjusting normally to the family environment and the bioparents and aparents working together and keeping all agreements made that were agreed to in the adoption agreement.

There are many factors that can influence how a child matures, whether raised in an adopted family or biological family. There are some adoptees that made poor choices ~ influenced by their peers or society ~ just as young adults raised with their biological family may make poor decisions. The difference is that an adoptee can turn around and blame their poor decisions and the resulting problems on the fact that they were adopted. I don't think an adult adoptee's opinion is the only factor in whether the "adoption" was a success.

I am an adult adoptee and yes, I do feel my adoption was a "success", as did my aparents. I have recently been in contact with my bioDad and he has been very happy that everything he wished for me was given to me ~ a stable life with two parents ~ so he feels it was a "success" also. Does that mean I never made poor choices or my life was perfect? Of course not.

I'm not sure if you are speaking from your own perspective and feel your adoption was not "successful" or what point you are trying to make. This is just how I look at this topic.

[lcowley]

I think that situation might me the exception rather than the rule. I envy anyone who has had an open adoption. My son was born on mother's day 1985 and all the "colosed" adoption agency wanted from me was him.
It was the hardest thing that I will ever have to do but I did it because I love him so much and not because I did not want him.

Unlike the others you speak of, I have never been married and never had any more children. I am thirty five and it saddens me to think that I have given up the only child that I will ever bare.

I only want EVERYONE to be educated in adoption, the risks, the hurt, the lifelong sorrow or counseling that is needed and the knowing that you did what was best for the child. That is what is most important.

Please respond.

Lisa

[KZacharyC]

i am a birth mom and I don't think your wrong in anyway.. You have eveyr rightto have those feelings and my son is only almost 2 years old and things are great in my adoption but when I say that it is more about my realationship with my sons adoptive couple... I worrie greatly that as he gets older things will not be as good but only time will tell.. But I think that your qeation and feelings on it make a veyr good point... i hoep that you your slef find peace in your realationship with you birth family, and in you post you said how sad it was to see your birth mom leave with there kids and not you the one who is adopted, but she has that same thouht and feeling eveyr time eshe walks out the door...

HUGES!!!!!!!!!!!!

KZacharyC (LDS open adoption)

[bwinks]

I know that we are looking forward to having a semi-open relationship with our birthmother with hopes that it will grow as our child grows. I know that as the parents it is our job to help our child have the best life possible and if we can have the birthmom as part of the child's life then that is a successful adoption. We are still waiting but I know there is a birthmom who feels the same.
Barbara

[AMom2Two]

Wow, only an adoptee can consider an adoption a success??? I thought there were 3 sides to the triad. I agree completely with Dlouis, the adoptee's opinion is not the only opinion.

As parents we make choices for our children, those of us in open adoptions, feel that we are adding to our childrens life, not taking away from it by providing them with their hertiage background. The picture you described of watching your bmom go back to her family and that hurting you is sad and of concern to amoms in fully open adoptions with other children present. I would never want my daughter to feel like you. I wonder what has happened to cause you such sadness. Were you never close to your amom? Where you treated differently?

In my situation, the desparity between what I can offer and what the bmom can offer is huge. Her bmom currently does not have a home to call her own. Her other child is placed with family until she can provide. SHE and I are thankful that this child is not involved with this and is spared the pain her son is feeling. SHE has peace that her daughter is sleeping in her own bed at night, safe and sound. She has peace in knowing she can pick up the telephone and call anytime, day or night. She can declare this adoption a success. I can declare it a success, because without it, our daughter would be in Foster Care at the age of 2. I am sure our daughter will say the same one day, when she is able to speak for herself. In the meantime, please remember there are 3 sides to the triad. Bye

[soultube]

Ah Mr louis, i was awaiting your reply. your assertion that adoptees are looking for somewhere to place blame is indeed an interesting theory. I am glad that you are a well adjusted adoptee, although your habit of pouncing on any post that may hint at a negative attitude towards adoption could be interpreted in a number of ways.

I am what is considered in western society a successful person. Highly educated, i own my own business and make large amounts of money. however I did not enjoy being an adoptee and it has brought much pain to me in my personal life. I have trouble forming relationships, especially with women and i feel isolated from people and society in general.

I do not blame my aparents or my bmom. they made choices in their lives within the scope of knowledge, maturity and position in the world they found themselves in, at the time. In other words they did the best they could.

Rather than search for blame, a fairly obtuse argument in my humble opinion, I have honestly appraised my life and sought answers to some of the emotional problems i have experienced.

It would appear from your line of thought that you believe that no adoptee is affected by being adopted. I think you might find that you are in a serious minority with that opinion. I don't believe that every adoptee is affected, but to negate the personal experiences of others in order to define your position on this topic, is, once again, in my humble opinion, unhealthy to say the least.

I hope your relationship with your bdad continues to go well.

[debsdone]

I can echo Dlouis feelings on my adoption being successful. I am afraid I find you rather hostile in your reply to Dlouis, why would that be? You seem well acquanted with dlouis, yet your profile has you as a new user. I believe, if you hang around long enough, you may well find your perceptions about what the majority feel is not represented on these boards. Nobody is putting another down, although your reply to Dlouis did just that. What exactly is your agenda here? Thanks, Debi
PS I personally don't believe that loading the birthmothers with guilt is a nice way to introduce yourself.

[BrandyHagz]

Nice post Debi, I couldnt have said it better myself. This thread is worth watching, for sure

Good questions deb!! I would have asked them myself but you beat me to it.

I don't think that dlouise was refering to ALL adoptees when she posted that she had a good adoption experiance. She was refering to her own and maybe thise thats she knows have gone well. Most of us in any part of the triad are quite sadded when we hear about adoptions gone bad. As always they are very many different situtions and many different personalities...some children may take a bad situation and become stronger and another may not. It is impossible to take one situation and proclaim adoption bad. Adoption has been a life saver for many children....myself being one!

[soultube]

I have said in each of my posts that adoption does not have an impact on all adoptees. I never said that there were no successful adoptions. But Ms (i stand corrected) louis would like to assert that no adoptees are affected by their adoption. In fact it is their fault if they are experiencing difficulties. I am at least open to the idea that in some cases it works out just fine.

I find dlouis hostile. I have read many of her posts. she seems to take great pleasure in telling adoptees in pain that it's their fault they have problems.

[BrandyHagz]

But Ms (i stand corrected) louis would like to assert that no adoptees are affected by their adoption.

I don’t read anywhere in any of her posts where she states that adoptees aren’t affected by their adoption...I read where she says not every adoptee is affected NEGATIVELY by their adoption, and I agree with her.

Hmmm....no soultube ...she did not refer to all adoptees at all!!! Knowing dlouis as long as I have, she appears to be averse to blanket statements. Whats w ith the hostlity towards her anyway?

Can we discuss without becoming personal?