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Originally Posted By Yvonne

Losing one's baby is the most painful thing that can happen to any mother. It doesn't matter whether you lose your child to death or to adoption - it all hurts the same, except with adoption there is no closure, it goes on forever.

Make your decision and if your decision is to relinquish your child for adoption, do it with your eyes open. Know that this loss is going to hurt more than anything you have ever experienced and that it will continue to hurt for the rest of your life.

You will go on, you will survive. And so will your child. But both of you will be effected permanently. Separation of mother and child is a trauma equal to that experienced by veterans of war. Survivors of both exhibit similar symptoms years afterward.

And the bad thing is that it is not only the mother who experiences the trauma of separation. Her child suffers also. The child's grief is pre-verbal so has rarely been recognized as such because the child has not been able to artiuclate what feels so bad. Did you know that traditionally babies who were being relinquished were given phenobarbitol in the nursery to quiet them because they cried so much, because they were inconsolable?

There are indeed a few situations where a mother really is unable, even with assistance, to parent her child. But those situations are few and far between. Most young mothers only need a little encouragement and support and they make fine mothers. Relinquishing one's child is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Most often it is only the timing that is off and the young mother is soon able to parent effectively.

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Originally Posted By yvonne

Unfortunately we don't know what hell we condemn our children to by relinquishing them. Deep inside they forever feel like the baby that even their mother couldn't love. And all the love and all the being wanted by a substitute set of parents doesn't change that. Inevitably they grow up desperately trying to please their adoptive parents so that they won't be abandoned again or they become the acting out adoptee who knows he's going to be abandoned anyway so does everything he can to force the issue and get it overwith.

I'm sure that you were well intentioned and you meant to do the "best thing" for your baby when you relinquished. So did I. But as I've become more aware of what happens psychologically to our children after relinquishment, I've become convinced that the "best thing" isn't always relinquishment and adotpion.

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Originally Posted By Do you hear the child ....?????

Yvonne, while my heart goes out to you for your pain, I can't agree with the child being "inconsolable" as you so put it. I don't know why you placed your child, you obviously did NOT think it all the way through and didn't take the time to seek the help and counseling you needed before making your choice. And that is really sad! Now you have to deal with your grief and you may never get over it. BUT..... as far as the baby goes.... there is NO such thing!!! I do not know who's been filling your head with this garbage but it just isn't so. I know of several families that has adopted and there was "peace" and "smiles" on the babies' faces like there is on any other child held by bmom. They grow up and learn to talk, walk, eat, smile, play, laugh, and some have very fulfilling lives. As in all cases, rather a child is raised by it's bmom or adparents, child turns to adults and then they have to make their own choices in life. Some on both sides will grow to be good,kind,respectful,striving adults, and some won't. It has NOTHING to do with rather they are adopted. I can take you to several adults that I know that has been adopted, and they loved their life and family. They feel NO regret (but happiness) that they were adopted by the family they had. Some even is so content with it, that there is NOT a desire to actually meet their natural parents. If they ever do ..fine! If not,...fine! they are happy! And then I can take you to a niece of my husband (and others) that was brought up by the bmom, just because (in her words) she didn't want her child to grow up wondering why she was given away. But what she is not considering (inher little selfish world) is that she has consistly gave her child from infant to who ever would take her for a day or two so she can have her fun and parties, smoke dope and drink. Many times the child would go unfeed and her diaper would barely be on her because she hadn't been changed in hours. If it wasn't for others buying the clothes, food, toys, and given the child a bath (every now and then) the child wouldn't have had anything. I am suppose to say< "yea mom!!! You are wonderfull...you didn't give your child up!" ??? that child would have been so much better off placed with adoptive parents that would have provided stablity, love, support, encouragement, and some kind of stuctured life. Now she is 12 and think she is 18. She thinks she can do what she wants and sleep where she wants when she wants too, because that is the leason her mom taught her. And you know what??? It doesn't matter what grandom, aunts, uncles, or anyone else says...because mama says it's ok and she is proud of it. When the child shows up pregant at 14, guess what??? mama willsay to her, don't give up your child.. raise your child like I did..get on welfare and bleed it dry. Take advantage of all our relatives, and then history repeats itself all over again and again. So does children cry??????? Yes, if you listen close, you can hear them. It is not when they are small enough to be held and wrapped tight in a blanket, but as they start to grow and they become neglected because they are no longer small enough to be held tight and wrapped tight (and they start to get in the way of the parent's LIFE......be it bmom or amom)
Sorry this is so lengthy but I am sick of hearing that form you Yvonne. The baby will NOT grive for the BMOM as you put it. There is NO proof of that, to support that in any way!!!!!