[Seeking_Answers]

Can some birthfather tell me what its like not to have any contact with your child for 24 years. What goes on in your head. What goes on in your heart. I know everyone will think/feel differently. I just want to understand what my birthfather may have been feeling. He seems so regretful now. (I was not adopted - raised by my mother with my grandparents but never knew anything about my birthfather. Only found out his name at 16. Contacted him in May and met him for the first time straight away after initial contact.

I feel very confused right now. I feel disloyal to my dad and mam even though my mom says there is no reason to feel like that. She is scared and hurt but supportive of everything i do.

I have to meet the rest of my birthfathers family and it frightens me to think about facing them (facing him i was not nervous or emotional, i was expected rejection and had prepared myself for that but found the opposite was true). He also wants to meet my mother but to me that's a terrible idea

Birthfathers what goes on in your heads/minds?

[Sharon]

I'm a birthmother who placed my first child for adoption 13 years ago. After the adoption, the birthfather and I married and later had another child. We are divorced now, but since we share custody of our youngest, we remain in close contact.
My ex-husband reacted very differently than I did to the loss of our first son (yes, it was our choice to place him, but his absence from our lives was still a loss; I don't know any other way to describe it). He did not like to talk about it much, whereas I wanted to talk about it all the time. I don't think it affected him less, just differently. He never asked me to STOP talking about it, but as I grew to understand him better, I could tell from his demeanor and body language that listening to me talk about our first son was difficult and painful to him. So gradually, I stopped. Although he didn't talk about our first son, my ex-husband carried a photo of him in his wallet for many years. It was tucked behind a bunch of other stuff. I never saw him take out this picture and look at it, but every so often I'd snoop through his wallet to see if the picture was still there, and it always was. One day, his wallet went through the washing machine by accident, ruining the picture. I was surprised at the intensity of his reaction... it was the closest he ever came to crying in my presence.
"I can replace everything else, but I can't replace that picture." was all he said.
I think sometimes men tend to be less open about their feelings, less able or willing to verbalize them. But that doesn't mean they don't have them. I believe that despite his reluctance to discuss it, my ex-husband has thought about our first son often over the years.
Although we've grown apart in many ways, I still call my ex-husband every year on our oldest son's birthday.
"Today's his birthday." I tell him. "He's ___ years old now."
And my ex-husband always says, "I know."
In many ways, he's been able to get past the loss and move on with his life more successfully than I have, but he has never forgotten our son, and I know he never will.
~Sharon

[weaselfred]

My birthson is 19 and we have not met. He was placed for adoption soon after his birth. I experienced the adoption as an immense loss. My grief reaction was intense and lasted for years. When someone dies, you know they are gone and you can remain close by embracing the memories. When my son was adopted, he was gone, but he was still there.....and there were no memories to comfort me. I am very aware of my son. He is a part of me although he and I do not presently have a relationship. He enters my thoughts on a regular basis. Until I meet him there will be an unfilled hole in my life.

I hope that he is happy and that his life is satisfying.

[Seeking_Answers]

Hi Ellie.

I can relate to some of what you say. My BFather too was pleased initially but now seems to have backed off totally and i rarely hear from him.

[tlee70]

every b-parent responds differently, my hope was that mine would be like all the other positive b-parents i read about.

It so hard to judge how they respond if they keep everything to themselves ellie. IMHO I think often times they are just in so much denial about what happened earlier in their lives that they cannot deal with it. In the beginning it's great when there is joy and happiness but when the tough stuff starts to surface in the reunion many don't want to face it. Somedays reality sucks..and most times people hate dealing with reality.

I guess we all should be thankful that we even got to meet our bfathers though....many do not even know who they are, let alone get to meet them. I don't know about you guys, but some days I really wish I hadn't sent that letter....it would have been so much easier to just walk away and leave things alone.

tlee

[rotax]

I think of my daughter every day, i was not allowed to to keep her and not allowed to tell anyone including my family, that was in the 80s, i visited my girlfriend every week who was put 100miles away in a
mother and baby adoption agency , i was not told anythink about adoption ,they basically wanted me to disapear as they new i could stop the adoption , but i did not no, by accident i was visiting my girlfriend when she went into labour and was there at the birth, wich has haunted me for years , i have only just found out that my daughters name has been changed ,wich has made me realyangry as i chose her name, my girlfriend and i went on to marry and have a whole tribe of kids who no about there older sister and want to meet her as do me and my wife, so 2 fingers up to my wifes familly and the adoption agency ,when 2 people want to be together nothing you do can keep them apart.

[Ellie-michelle]

tlee,
I agree with you, we are very fortunate to have met our fathers and visa versa!

I feel at times also that it would be easier for me to live with the 'dream' of what he is than to deal with all the rollercoaster of emotions.. ect...maybe its just how I feel today eh? LOL!!!

Ellie x

[tlee70]

Hey Ell

I agree with you about the rollercoaster...getting tired of being on it. I find it very amusing that this thread is in the "just for Birthfathers" and the thread title is "do birthfather's think of thier child"..yet there is very few responses from them...I guess that gives us our answer.

Seeking answers, sounds like things are not going great with bfather Have you even talked to him recently?? I never see you on msn anymore?? Maybe sometime..you me and ell can chat via that method (I have ell on msn too)

tlee

[Seeking_Answers]

I don't know about you guys, but some days I really wish I hadn't sent that letter....it would have been so much easier to just walk away and leave things alone.

Tlee, i feel exactly like that at times. I wonder why when i was happy enough with life that i went and opened all this can of worms and new emotions and old emotions resurfacing. I honestly feel at times i had left well alone! But i know that i am better off KNOWING now than the not knowing. I know i would not change finding out all i have but at times i just wish i had left my bfather alone and just got to know his family instead.

Ellie, I hope things works out for you!

[Ellie-michelle]

hey tlee,
That's sound like a great idea! what do you say Seeking answers?

Ell x

[Seeking_Answers]

No i haven't spoken to him for a few weeks. I was meant to meet up with him but he never contacted me to finalise details after i called him asking when would suit. Guess that gave me my answer. He did contact me a couple of weeks ago telling me i meant everything to him and that he loves me. Excuse me now but actions speak a lot louder than words and it certainly does not feel like that at ALL! I have sent him an e-mail basically saying it's time to lay the cards on the table and see where this is going if anywhere. It's been going on too long now and i can't deal with all the extra emotions it is bringing. It's not that i need regular contact, it's i need to know how often the contact would be. If i knew it would be a year before i heard from him again that would be fine... as long as i KNEW!

I don't turn on MSN too much. Laziness of typing in my password? ;-)

[tlee70]

But i know that i am better off KNOWING now than the not knowing. I know i would not change finding out all i have but at times i just wish i had left my bfather alone and just got to know his family instead.

I agree with you on the KNOWING part seeking answers. I feel sometimes that it is better just leave and to walk away for my bfather's sake....and his family. They are happy and have had a good life, the last thing they need is someone that is screwed up to enter their lives. My father's life is way too busy to have to contend with me and all that I am about. I know both of you feel that same way as well.

I know that deep down all of our fathers probably care...but none of them really seem to want to dedicate any time to really getting to know us. Maybe our expectations were just too high.

*shrug* who knows...we certainly don't...they don't seem to want to take the time to tell us

tlee

[weaselfred]

maybe I'm a strange egg: I'm hoping to maintain a relationship with my birthson. We have not met...I'm hoping to. For me, maintaining a relationship with my birthson means coming close to the pain that used to be on the surface. If he and I can tolerate the uncomfortable emotions that come with our reunion then we have a chance to continue a relationship with each other. Having a relationship with my birthson is important to me.

Sometimes I wonder about other birthfathers. Few seem to post messages or join chat conversations. Where are they?

[Seeking_Answers]

I know that deep down all of our fathers probably care

I wish they could show it just for reassurance sake if nothing else. They think they are making an effort, and in many ways they probably are, but lip service is so different to actions!

[weaselfred]

I agree: actions speak loudly.