[emm]

I have been viewed by some as a heartless woman who gave her baby away. I have been told that I had no control over my physical needs and could not accept the consequences and the responsibilities of my actions. This means then that as a birthmother I am heartless have uncontrollable physical needs and I am irresponsible. Is that what being a birthmother means?

[wanttobeparents]

Emm,

I'm sorry you were hurt by someone else's words. Being a birthmother means that you gave birth at a time in your life that you were not ready to be a parent. Nothing more, nothing less. You did what you felt was right for you at that time.

Heartless, no. But you may have felt that you tore your heart out when you made your decision.

Uncontrollable physical needs? Not unless you were in the produce aisle of the grocery store when your child was conceived.

Could not accept the consequences and the responsibilities of your actions? I thought you did accept them and made a responsible decision.

Evidently you need to listen to a better class of people.

[shirleyville]

Oh, Emm......I hate that you are feeling this way. I feel sad for all the people in this world who strike out in their own anger and pain, to hurt others.
I am an adoptee, so I surely can't speak to what being a birthmother is...but I can tell you what I , as an adoptee, think a birthmother is.
In January of this year, my CI, appointed by the state, at my request, located and contacted my birthmom, on my behalf. I am 38 years old, and I have waited for that moment all my life....and when it came, along with it came the reality that she was unable to emotionally accept contact with me. She couldn't even bring herself to speak to my intermediary, and said that she had lived in dread of this phone call for 38 years. She immediately turned everything over to her sister, and refused to even give her own home address to receive the paperwork from the state to close my files. My aunt had to handle everything.
I must admit that I was terribly confused by the entire thing. I had such a different "outcome" in my mind, and her reaction was something I certainly not prepared for. During the course of the search, I learned my birthmother's name, quite by accident, and I set out to find her on my own. I wanted to understand what she was thinking.
It took me a couple of weeks of non-stop work, and a lot of Grace from God, but I finally found her.....and she was right here in my own back yard all along -- living less than 10 minutes from me. My aunt, who handled all the "arrangements" for her was someone I knew when I was in high school, and her daughter played on the same volleyball and basketball teams with me. It was quite a shock, considering that I always imagined them in another state or somewhere half way across the world....never in my own community, and quite certainly not people I knew.
It took me awhile to process it all, and ultimately, I decided to contact my aunt, with a letter......a letter that was VERY well received! My aunt was thrilled to know who I was, and that I was okay, after all of these years....but at the same time, she felt she had to honor her sister's wishes to not have contact with me --
BUT , she never promised that her DAUGHTER wouldn't have contact with me, so she called my cousin, and let her in on the "big family secret". Within a few hours of receiving the letter, I was talking to my cousin -- a girl I knew in school!
It was thru my cousin that I came to understand what was going thru my birthmother's mind.
While one might preceive that my birthmom's comment about "dreading that call all her life" and the fact that she denied contact with me, as a cruel, painful situation for me.......I now feel as if it was the kindest, most unselfish, loving thing a mother could do for her daughter. My mother grew up in a home with an alcoholic, abusive father......her mother died when she was only five years old. Her father refused to allow his daughters to date or have a social life.....and one might imagine what kind of pain she endured, in 1964, when she found herself pregnant.
Life didn't get any better for her after my relinquishment....she ended up marrying a man much like her father....alcoholic, abusive and addicted to gambling. My sister and two brothers were raised in that kind of environment....and have subsequently gone on to perpetuate the cycle, yet again. My two brothers are alcoholics -- in and out of trouble with the law -- and my sister married an alcoholic abuser, who never works to support my sister and their three kids. My brothers rarely work and all three siblings rely totally on our mother for support...both financial and emotional. The lives of my entire birthfamily are frought with turmoil, pain and disfunction.
The reason my birthmom lived in dread of my one day contacting her was because she was afraid for ME . She didn't want me to be exposed to all of that. She felt as if I was the only one of them who "escaped".......that I had gotten away safely, and she didn't want me to get drawn back into that environment from which she protected me, all those years ago.
What is a birthmom? A birthmom is someone who never stops wanting to protect the child she relinquished, no matter how many years go by. A birthmom is someone who wants what is best for the part of their heart they cut out and send to some place safe. A birthmom is someone who never, ever forgets.
It would have been easy for me to have taken the information from my intermediary, and spent the rest of my life feeling that my birthmom lived in dread of hearing from me because she hated me......or that she denied contact with me because it was too painful for her to face her past......or a million other scenarios that I could create in my head....but I couldn't believe that. I am glad that I followed my heart, and found out the true reason.....I had to follow my heart, because I knew that my heart was a part of hers.......and now I know it will be forever.
There are a lot of adoptees out there that harbor a lot of pain because they were relinquished -- it's a very real pain. I just hope that in some way, hearing my story will make folks think twice before they are so quick to judge the parents they have never met or know nothing about. There are as many circumstances as there are adoptess and birthmoms, and I am certainly not saying that everyone who is denied contact is denied for the same reasons I was.....or that birthmoms aren't searching for their children because they are all in abusive situations......I'm just saying that juding others blindly is a mistake. There are three sides to this triad that we are all involved with, and we all need to show the same compassion to one another as we would like to receive in return.
What is a birthmom? Maybe someone will have a different perspective now.
Hugs and Love!
Sally

[jmisaacs2003]

Don't let people make you think you are heartless for your choice. I think any woman that gives up her child has a lot of courage. That is one of the hardest things a woman could do. I could never do it. Unfortunately I took the cowards way out and had an abortion because I was forced to. Now I know people will say you can't be forced into doing something like that but in certain circumstances and everybody's are different it can happen. Good luck and please know that I think you are a brave person for doing what you had to do. Take Care!!

[dpen]

Emm, I KNOW you are not heartless!!!!I truly value your input here as a bmom, I know its become really crazy, with some of these discussions....the point is respect....I know that you must have been through alot with your pregnancy and adoption experiance. Did you say you were from Ireland...I have talk to some of my friends from Irleand and they told me hair raising stories about how unwed moms were treated. It would take alot of self evaluation and alot of positive reinforcment to get through that. I am sure it must be still a struggle, anybody who is on these boards who tries to minamize that is not being realistic, I would like to think that everybody try to put themselves in your shoes.

But also what I hear from your posts is that you put your daughters feelings first. What I object to is people trying to minimize my relationship with my a family. They are my family, I don't know any other. We have our negatives and positives, but they are my family warts and all. What I need from bmom and dad is repect for those feelings. I do want to here about my bmoms situation, but if all I hear is about HER pain and anger, I will run like heck. I would want to know that she cared about my well being,and how she would be able to positively be intregrated into my life. Emm, I think that is the impression I got from you, am I right?

The first people that are judging someone about thier lifestyle is usually hiding something. I have learned in my "old age" is that there are so many good people from different situations...I truly try not to judge on silly things. You had a BABY...that is a wonderful thing, wether you had sex to concieve that baby, or you hatched that baby, YOU did nothing wrong. I truly wish that you have healing and peace in your life. Donna

P.S. How id the reunion going with your daughter?

[sspete]

emm--If someone said this to you, I believe they should examine their own self. Truly this is a person who does not understand the ultimate sacrifice for LOVING a child. Please don't let rude people undermine your courage. Hold your head up high and know who you are. spete

[emm]

Thank you for your kind words. However, all you need to do is read other threads on this forum to realize that bmoms are thought of as second class mothers. I thought I was dealing with my own situation quite well until the last bout of “down with bmoms” attitudes from some posters.

The years of holding my head up and being accountable for giving my baby away obviously is not enough. Perhaps I am supposed to say I am happy with the choice I made. I am not. I am not happy because at no point did anyone in my entourage explain what adoption would mean to me - Marie.

The emphasis was placed on the happiness of others. Whatever the reasons for giving up my baby were if someone had asked me why, offered help or counseling with the problems I had at the time (not drug or alcohol related I hasten to add before they become other stigmas I have to bare unjustly) perhaps I would not feel so desolate now.

I am truly thankful that my daughter has bonded closely with her parents. At least that was not a lie. They told me she would. I am truly thankful that her parents are kind loving mature people who gave her what I could not at the time of her birth. I am not at all thankful for spending the last 27 years wondering if she was ok, wondering if I could have done something to have changed my emotional circumstances at the time of her birth. I am not at all thankful for the condescending advice from the social worker our “go between” who is treating me as if I am someone my ex-daughter should be afraid of.

Perhaps that’s the point. If I, to use the favorite word of the adoption professionals, relinquish my birth mom title and admit to everyone that I was a bad person and my daughter did not deserve to be raised by me I will be at last forgiven for wanting the cycle of emotional pain broken and for being 18, unloved and afraid.

If being a birthmother means that I cannot understand the love my once daughter has for her family then call me Marie. I give up the title of birthmother willingly. If it means that I cannot have a friendly relationship with her Mother, then call me Marie. If it means that I am to be condemned incessantly, please just call me Marie.

My name is Marie and I am a recovering birthmother.

[sspete]

I truly do not want to step on toes here, but as a birth mom myself I have never experienced condemnamtion. I don't know if it is just my strong personality or what, but I have never felt less of a woman, because I choose adoption for my baby. In 19 years I have never been put down only praised for the decision I made to give my baby the best life possible!! I do not understand who makes you ladies feel the way you do. I am very curious about the derogatory remarks you have experinced. Things like this truly do not bother me. I consider the source, and knowing they have never experienced the pain and hurt it causes to place a child. It has never been easy being without my bdaughter I have grieved for her often, and have wished many times I could hold her in my arms. The pain there will never lessen. With this being said I DO NOT CARE what other people think of my decision. It was for my child not for me!! Please do not let other people's opinion effect you. I wish each of you peace that can sometimes be hard to find, but is within your reach! spete

[shirleyville]

It makes me so sad that you ladies feel the way you do. (((WARM HUGS))) I am an adoptee, and I can honestly say that I have never in my life had one ounce of ill-feeling toward my birthmom -- why in the world would I? Even before I learned the reason that she denied me contact when I searched for her, it never crossed my mind to think of her as "second class" or "less".
I've been involved in many forums and support groups and I can say with all honesty, no one I know harbored ANY ill will or bad feelings for their birthmom....most of us, as adoptees, are in these groups dealing with the fact that WE feel like "second class" or "not good enough".
I guess it just goes to show that all three members of the triad are feeling like "less"......I know many adoptive parents who feel like "less" because they can't conceive naturally. I know my own mom went thru a lot of personal pain at the hands of my paternal grandfather who used to remind her, regularly, that she was "less of a woman" because she was infertile....and I have heard it time and again in other groups.
We ALL have a lot of pain to deal with.....but it sure doesn't give anyone a right to put ANYONE down with their words or actions.
I am truly sorry! (((MORE WARM HUGS)))
Sally
PS...I am with SSPETE -- I would like to see some of these threads and posts where this kind of thing is going on, because I would certainly make a comment if I witnessed it. You are wonderful women, and I applaud you!

[emm]

The letter from my estranged daughter was very friendly with no recriminations. She sent me several photos of herself and her family and they all look like wonderful people. Her mother and father have beautiful open smiles that express generosity and kindness. My moroseness is caused not by contact with her, it is the result of being anxious and sad for more than half my life, wondering if I did the right thing for her and knowing it was the wrong thing for me.

I have closure, no need to be anxious anymore. The sadness is overwhelming because this beautiful lady come from my body and I know nothing about her. She has been molded by a society of which I know nothing. I fear that we have nothing in common except our love for our dogs. How to build friendship when we seem so different (yes I know the dogs).

I care a great deal for all the birthmothers who are unable to hold them selves above the criticism as previously mentioned. I care that certain societies or groups do not wish to acknowledge the mistakes of adoption professionals in the past and I object to the continuation of those mistakes today.

The people who have been talking with me via this forum for the past three months should know my position and know that I believe the issues are not with adopted people or their adoptive parents in general, my “issues” are most definitely with the system as it was 27 years ago, and the system as it stands today.

Thank you for talking the time to reassure me.

[sspete]

Emm-I can so understand your anger at the system! It does need to be improved greatly! In my personal opinion everything involving the "system" needs work! I myself had a private adoption through my church, and everything went beautiful. I was treated with nothing but kindness. However, I do realize that this is not the case with all bmoms, and for this reason things need to change. I hope that you will find comfort in the fact that your bdaughter is doing so well, and that in time you can come to know each other and develop a really special relationship. This is my hope and prayer for my bdaughter and I. Right now she is chosing to wait it out, and make decisions concerning our reuniting. I am okay with this. I know this is all going to take time for her. In the meantime I continue to love her and be patient. My prayers are with you!! spete

[emm]

I am very happy that - really cant get my head around what to call her, for the purpose of this post I will call her Paula.

I am very happy that Paula has the life I wanted for her. I am very sad that I could not give it to her. I am truly happy that she bonded with her family. Why would I have given her up if I thought she would not?

I thought everything was clear to me and my role in her life would be, if I was lucky, that of reunited birthmother. Paula's social worker has put me in such a state of flux I no longer know
what to call myself or her. Add to that the spate of negative comments from some poster here - I am one unhappy and confused puppy!

I go back to my original question. What does it mean to be a birthmother?


Please only reply to this thread if you have something constructive to say. I accept constructive critisicm just dont need any more trite or bitter comments. Thank you for letting me ask the question.

emm

[aspenhall]

A birthmother is defined differently by every member of the triad. I feel that most birthmother's are partners with God and I revere their strength. I also would assume that in the later years of an achilds life, that the bmother is defined as another relative looking out for the achilds well being, much like a (good, like mine) mother-in-law. She may not have had input on the formative years of her childs life, but that does not mean that she is no longer needed. What you have in common with Paula is deeper that the Dogs anyone who is a dog person has tons in common with other dog people.(I am an AVID Dog person myself) To her, you are her beginning and, at some level, her future. Your one choice made as much impact on her life as all her aparents choices. Your prayers for her were heard as loudly as her aparents prayers were. You may have been the answer to many peoples prayers. I think the reason you feel undefined is, that your Paula may still be trying to find her own definition for you.

[emm]

Thank you.

My dogs thank you to.

Good luck in finding your children.

[joyce madeline]

i am an adoptee, and i was interested to find out what birthparents feel about having given up a child.i never got to meet either of my birthparents as they have both now died.i grew up thinking that my mother was evil and dreamt of the day i could meet her and slap her face.but when i reached about 18, i started to wonder why she had not kept me, and started to accept that sometimes women may not feel that they are capable and have no choice.recently i found some of my birth siblings and met my mothers sister also, i found out some things about my birth mother and realised that she led quite a hard life, i still am angry at her for dying, angry that she had many children and did not care for them, that she gave some away and kept some.i read that in the hospital she had said that she had no maternal feelings for her children.i dont think that all birth mothers are heartless, as much as i am angry and have many personal issues in my life, i feel very protective of my birth mother, i dont know why i just do.it sounds a bit of a cop out to 'let her off the hook', but i kind of feel sorry for her, even though she and my birth father died with so many secrets.i think what im trying to say is that giving a baby away is responsible in a way, but will leave a child with problems, probably, depending on its upbringing...etc, etc, birth mothers shouldnt all be pigeonholed as being heartless, some may be, but some who care need support too.whats done is done, its all about accepting and trying to find some kind of inner piece in the end.i suppose i am finding it hard to write back to you because i have never been in contact with any birth mothers before and am interested in finding out how they feel, why they gave away a baby or felt they couldnt cope, or maybe those are the questions i would have asked my mother had she been still alive.