[DeniseM]

I was just wondering if anyone had some insight to a question that I have. We are in the process of adopting our 4yr old AA foster son. He lived with bmom for 2 years before the state intervened. We are entering in an open adoption and I was just wondering if any of the adoptees out their or aparents knew if this would help his possible future yearning for his bmom. He will have the oppportunity to know her but he will always remember what she has done to him. We will always let him know that his bmom loves him but she just didn't know how to be a mom at that time. Believe me, we will never remind him of his life prior to being with us....but his scars are hard to hide and he has a clear memory of what happened. This has been bothering me alot lately.

[Rainbow mom]

We have adopted four times. Our first two where 4.5 when we adopted them, however they were 2 when they were taken by the state. They had abusive parents that couldn't handle the stress of raising a child.

Our boys are now 10 and 12, they handle the effects differently. They both have attachement disorder, one remmebers the lady (his birthmom) crying at the goodbye visit they had. He remembers nightmares of spiders. He remembers less and less as time goes on. The other of our son's chooses not to remember things that happened. He was the most abused of the two of them.

You may want to watch for attachment disorder some of the signs that our son's displayed are:

Lying, stealing, rage, not being safe being alone, nightmares, afraid of the dark, clingy, defiant, inability to allow another child to win at games.

[DeniseM]

Hi Rainbow mom,
Thanks for the info. When did your sons start showing the signs of attachment disorder? We have had our little guy evaluated by a pyschiatrist and they say that he does not show any signs of that now...but who knows what the future will bring. Do you or your sons have any contact with the bmom? Any advice you could offer me would be greatly appreciated!

[tc122196]

denise~
I am almost in the same type of situation as you are. My husband and I have legal guardianship of my cousins daughter. She will be 4 at the end of this month. She was not physically abused, but neglected in other ways. Her parents shipped her to whoevers house would keep her for how ever many days until she was almost 2. At which time my parents kept her pretty steadily until she turned 2. At which point my husband and I became her legal guardians. We also took her to a therapist because of her clinginess and her crying all of the time. A lot of the crying has stopped, until she is very tired, then it is really bad. We talk to her about her biological parents though, and she has recently seen her dad after almost an entire year of not seeing him. Her mother she has not seen though. And now, her mother has filed for visitation rights. What a shock that was to us let me tell you! We are going to try to work with her though and keep this out of the courts. Anyways, I am getting off of the subject. I too, would like any help with emotional problems that I can get. My daughter like I said has started to overcome some of the things that she was so bad about at first, but now that the biological parents are somewhat back in the picture, I am afraid of her withdrawing back to the baby that she was when she first came to our home at the tender age of 2.

[DeniseM]

Our son still sees his bmom every 3rd week(supervised) at the dcyf offices until the adoption is final. After that they will see each other 3 times per year. It seems that we are climbing a ladder with him. He gets very high up and then the visit day arrives and after the visit he slides all the way back down again and we need to start from scratch. He always says that he doesn't want to go on these visits and is very withdrawn during them.. The bmom just had me sit in on the last visit to see if it would help him and he did seem to act a bit better knowing I was in the room with him. He says that he is afraid of her and always asks why she did the things to him that she did. I find the answers to these questions very difficult and I am not sure how to answer. He always asks my husband and myself if we are going to keep him safe.

[vicrose]

It just seems like such a disgrace that these children ever have to see they're abusers again. This juducial system is for the birds. My son has a friend whose mother and father had really abused him for several years, and then the grandma stepped in and took over his care, and now the SYSTEM wants to give him back to the abusers, it's terrible that these children have no say in the matter. Just terrible. I really think that after the adoption is finalized you shouldn't allow any visitation whatsoever unless the child specifically requests it. And also, I wouldn't talk bad about the birthparent, but I wouldn't bring her up either unless the child wanted to hear about her. Sincerely, Brenda....

[debsdone]

I agree with vicrose 100% Love, Debi

[DeniseM]

The system does have many problems and it seems as if the children have no rights at all. For any judge to contemplate even sending any child that has been abused back to the abuser is unimaginable to me. But as we all know it does happen. I would love to set up something where people actually became advocates for the children and fight for the childrens best interest(and not the abusers rights, they shouldn't have any). I realize that each case is different and I can only speak about ours, but it just seems to me that most foster kids are not fairly represented in the court systems and keep getting pushed aside or put on hold. Thank God that our little boy will never have to live through any abuse again (I am sure he will never forget, sometimes emotional wounds run deeper than the physical scars that were left on his precious body) but it certainly took a very long time and a lot of fighting and heartache.

[Rainbow mom]

The Children have no rights. I don't think you could be required to continue physical contact with birthmom after the adoption. That is when you get to act in the best interest of the child. I would however send her pictures and letters about how he is doing. You never know when you will need information from her. I wish I could ask my son's bio parents about themselves and medical/familial traits.

Lucky or not our sons were involved in severe abuse and sexual abuse so our kids do not have to visit with bio-parents. Our son's showed signs of attachment disorder right away. They would not look you in the eye, they did not want to be held, our oldest wouldn't even attach to a toy he ran from one to another, our younger son would go with anyone, He also lied constantly. Of course we thought give it time they just need to adjust, how wrong we were. Of course with love and a very strict household (they thrived on structure)they have come along way!

Best of luck!

[ladyjubilee]

In defense of the system, often children are very loyal--even to an abusive parent.....and the fact is all of us can cross that line. Child abuse happens for a variety of reasons---and sometimes it can be stopped. I think if you talk to social workers who deal with children, you'll find that they talk to children all the time who *want* to go back---good bad and ugly, it is home. Where I live children over 12 have to agree before an adoption can occur---and a lot of them say no.

Finally, I disagree a little. While I don't think its appropriate to badmouth the birthparent, I think it is appropriate to validate the child's reality. When children suffer abuse it doesn't just go away--they don't just forget. Instead those memories often become shadowy fears which never quite come into the light where they can be faced. I think we need to talk to children about what has happened to them---because it first shows that this isn't some dirty secret (meaning they did something wrong), next because it shows that you the parent are strong enough to challenge those shadowy demons and it teaches them how to handle those fears, and perhaps most importantly it shows these things *did* happen; they were real and that he/she can share that reality. Let's face it, we'd all rather face our greatest fears in a brightly lit room with as many family backing as possible...........finally, for the long term it offers the possibility for a future relationship with the birthparents founded in reality. The fact is, we all remember things in a way that shows us in the best light. Its not lying so much as a coping mechanism. When it comes times for reunion 20 years down the road, its not going to be "I had a date so I left you sitting in the car all night"; its going to be "The system took you from me. I didn't do anything wrong. No one would help me." You child needs to be able to have both sides of the truth so that there is compassion for the man who left his child in the car, and understanding for the man who remembers the cruel system.

[Rainbow mom]

Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. If my kids wish to talk about their past I have NO problem talking to them about it. I pull out the paperwork for their social service case and we talk. I NEVER have put down their BParents! I would never make them think they came from a bad or "ugly" parents because they would turn that reflection upon themselves. Kids would automatically figure if there were somthing wrong with their birth family it must have been because of them.

On the other hand I do not force them to speak of them either. It is like pulling a scab off and letting it bleed some more. Sometimes you need to let it heal. I would never allow my son's birthmom, who had sex with his five year old brother visit my son while he was still young (I have never talked about this to him since he is still so young). He need's protection until he is old enough to understand what happened and protect himself from her if need be. I have promised both of my kids when they are of age I will help them find their Bio-parents.

I am sorry you thought I was anti- Bparent If I gave you that impression I am sorry.