[live2bhappy2003]

We were placed with our baby upon birth about 6 months ago. We had initial contact with the birthmother for the first two months then some legal issues pertaining to the adoption process got in the way, and she got scared of being "exposed" to her family about the birth. Fortunately, that did have to happen thanks to my good attorney. Anyway, it's a long story, but the birthmother is a little angry at either the agency and/or us for that mess and we have not heard from her in months. I sent her a Christmas card anyway with pictures of the baby and told her we loved and supported her. I have been advised by my agency to lay low for now, that maybe she isn't ready to get more pictures, etc. However, this woman, a very loving mother already to another girl, just has the upmost interest in how her baby she allowed us to adopt, that I'm so concerned as to why she's stopped communicating.

We really want to keep the lines of communication open mainly for our daughter's sake, but also so she knows her baby is being very well cared for and that we love her so much.

She has NO ONE to talk to and lives in a very remote area so I know she's grieving and suffering through this loss alone and we love her and care about her. Anyway, it's hard for me to "back off". Since the adoption isn't finalized for a few more months, they thought it would be best to wait until after then in fear of her possibly wanting to contest it or something. I don't know. I am very, very sad that she didn't send a Christmas card or letter. She's a very Christian woman, and I'm surprised that with all the love in her heart, she has suddenliy disappeared from our lives. Maybe she just needs time?

[Lewey]

There could be several things going on, but I personally feel that she is grieving and her only defense is to distance herself from you and the baby, I think she just needs time, but we all handle grief in different ways, I think you should write her notes and cards, date them, but wait to send them and then maybe when the adoption is finalized you can mail them, this way she'll know that you were thinking of her during this time.

Lewey

[live2bhappy2003]

Lewey,

Thank you for that great advice. I think and hope your right about her needing time right now. It's so hard because we are so grateful to her, and I want her to know we're always here if she wants to see our child.

Thanks again for a great idea, I will start writing!

[matri]

As a bmom who did something similar, I would say don't stop trying. I know right now it may seem kind of unfair that you are bearing the burden of communication but she is going through a tremendous loss right now. I know after my daughter was born I kept up communication for 2 months and then they must have thought I fell off the face of the earth for a good 3 months. I just couldn't take it anymore and I needed some time to grieve. They sent little notes and pictures every now and then and I decided whether to look at them or not. It gave me a sense of contol in a situation that felt totally out of control and at the same time was somewhat comforting that they still wanted to talk to me even after they had the baby.
I would say, don't pressure her but gently, send little notes or a couple pictures, nothing overwhelming, and give her time.
God's healing and peace will come to her and she will probably apologize for dropping communication but at this time I think she needs to know you still want to talk with her but that she has the option to retreat and heal.
Good luck and God bless, you will be in my prayers!
Jesi

[live2bhappy2003]

Jesi,

Hi, thanks for your advice. I know for a fact she's really having a rough time, and that's why I'm hurting. She is a wonderful woman and mother to another child, and due to financial and other circumstances (family) she could not keep this one. I know, however, she is dying to know how the baby is doing. I really do want to send her something, and maybe you could recommend some words I could say to her, something brief along with some recent pictures. I just don't know what to say that would be of comfort to her.
Thanks for your support and prayers, we pray all the time for her and that our relationship becomes healthy again at some point.

Warmest regards
Lei

[matri]

Lei-
to be honest I don't know if any of your specific words will comfort her, but I do think you have the right idea. I would just let her know that the baby is doing well, and I would suggest when you do this to keep the focus on the baby and letting her know that you love this baby but try and avoid gushing too much (if that makes sense) Try letting her know that you still feel blessed by her decision and that you are praying for her. Just take a little time to reaffirm in her mind that you want her to be a part of your family's life and that you still care for her. I would also suggest telling her that while you can't understand what she is feeling, or the loss she is experiencing that you do acknowledge it and there is no pressure for her to put on a happy face right away to make you feel better. Let her know that you are willing to talk, or listen, or just follow her lead. I would also leave her a way out, let her know that you will be sending photos and little notes and if at any time she doesn't want them or just wants photos or whatever that if she will let you know then you will be willing to ammend your correspondence.
As I read this back I'm thinking that it may appear that you are bending over backwards for her and in some ways maybe it will be, but I believe the strong help with the burdens for the weak and right now she needs a little time to be weak... Whatever you decide, however you approach it I know that if you do so prayerfully and seeking God's will that He will bless you, your family and the birthmom. This situation may take time, and it may be disheartening at times but I'm sure the blessings outweigh the burdens. May God give you strength and wisdom.
Hope I was of some help and didn't just confuse you more!
Please feel free to ask more question and I would really like to hear about your progress!

Jesi (matri_520@msn.com)

[Cheerio!]

As a BMom, I agree, that she probably needs some space to grieve. And it is probably a good idea to still send a note or so, and a few pics "nothing overwhelming", and if she chooses to set them aside until later - at least she has them.

I say that I agree to not put any pressure on her to reply. Letting her know that you care and will welcome and encourage contact whenever she is ready.


Glad to see you're looking for advice and are open to input. That is awesome!