[drealynn52190]

my name is andrea, i am 20 years old. i am a single mother raising a 2 year old girl named natalie. i love being a mom and love everything that comes along with being a mom, even though im doing it all by myself with no support from the father. however, last october i found out i was pregnant. i decided right away i was going to go with adoption because i knew there would be no way i could raise twooo kids by myself, especially with my financial situation but luckily i knew a couple who couldnt conceive and theyre family friends and i know they are great people. they agreed early on and were very involved with the pregnancy and doctor visits. i just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at 12:59pm on 6/9/10, so not even two days ago. even though everything was planned and in place early on and i thought i was for the most part emotionally detached, i now am finding that isnt the case when i first saw him, i thought he was the most perfect little boy i have ever seen. i love him so much. but i obviously had to say goodbye and was discharged from the hospital today. im now at home and feel like theres a huge hole in my heart, and ive been crying on and off all day. i know i made the best choice for him and gave this amazing couple a great blessing, but right now thats not stopping the tears i know i had no choice, but still i would give anything to just cuddle him to my chest again, but i know that just wont happen if anybody out there has words of encouragement, advice or anything, i would appreciate it greatly...

[Juliana13]

My heart goes out to you. Just because something may have been the right decision for you and your son, does not mean you won't be devastated. You are going through extreme grief and loss. Do you have a grief counselor? Do you have supportive family and/or friends who can help you get through this time? Can you take some time off (and have someone take your daughter for chunks of time) so that you can have some alone time to process your emotions?

I wish I had better answers for you, but hopefully you will get more responses from those who have been there to give you support here.

It is tough. It is heartbreaking. It does get better. Not gone, just better. Wish I could just put my arm around you and give you a hug, because words just won't do for tonight.

[bromanchik]

These are very difficult, dark days, for sure. How well I remember them....

Did you talk at all about post adoption contact? Many people have open adoptions where there are visits, etc. Did you get an pre-birth counseling? Do you have a counselor now? Please feel free to pm if you want to talk. I

[drealynn52190]

thank you to the both of you for your responses. to answer your questions...no, at this time i do not have a counseler and havent through the pregnancy, but am definitely going to get into therapy of some sort as soon as possible. i do have support through my family and friends, and do have a few people who can take my daughter for a little while so i can be alone. luckily i am staying with my dad and he watches her when i need to be alone or need to rest while i heal from the delivery. so i am certainly fortunate for that. and we did discuss visitations and such. its pretty open for the most part. i just didnt specify how open i would want it to be before he was born because i wasnt sure how id feel. and still am not sure if having contact or having any visitations would make it harder for me. theres a part of me that wants to see him again of course, but the other part of me is scared that it will allow me to become attached and make this whole process even harder. i guess i have a lot of confusing emotions to process through. i think ill wait until i talk to a counseler and see what they recommend. again, thank you for your responses and advice, i really appreciate it. i know this is going to be a long hard road, so im really going to need it

[ae2694]

Hi,
I don't usually do this but I read you post and feel so much for you. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling at this time in your life. I am an adoptive parent and our baby girl came from a young woman who has a situation almost identical to yours. I know it was a hard step for her to take and when we got our daughter it was bittersweet for us as we felt so much for the birth mother. It sounds like you could definitely benefit from talking with someone. These are intense feelings and sometimes we need someone to sit with and cry with. It sounds like you know your adopting parents well and that you trust them. When and if you are ready maybe you should talk with them about a visit. We see our birth mother often and communicate a lot through e-mails and pictures. I know it is hard for her at times but she seems to enjoy playing a role in her child's life. I want to try and give you some hope. Our birth mother struggled for some time but she is now married and has had her third child, this one she has kept like her first. I know it doesn't remove her pain but her life has moved forward. It is such a huge act of love to give your child what you feel is best for them. What a wonderful thing to do as a mother! If you knew in your heart that it was the right thing to do then trust that and trust that things will get better and a little easier. Find someone to talk with, you must get these feelings out and keep writing, that always helps. If our birth mother was in any emotional pain I would want to do everything I could to help her. Anytime she wants to see this child we have met together. And the wonderful thing is through those visits we have also become very close and I believe that reminds her of why she chose adoption. She knows her baby is loved and cherished every day. You will be in my prayers, my heart breaks for you. Don't give up hope.

Originally Posted by drealynn52190

thank you to the both of you for your responses. to answer your questions...no, at this time i do not have a counseler and havent through the pregnancy, but am definitely going to get into therapy of some sort as soon as possible. i do have support through my family and friends, and do have a few people who can take my daughter for a little while so i can be alone. luckily i am staying with my dad and he watches her when i need to be alone or need to rest while i heal from the delivery. so i am certainly fortunate for that. and we did discuss visitations and such. its pretty open for the most part. i just didnt specify how open i would want it to be before he was born because i wasnt sure how id feel. and still am not sure if having contact or having any visitations would make it harder for me. theres a part of me that wants to see him again of course, but the other part of me is scared that it will allow me to become attached and make this whole process even harder. i guess i have a lot of confusing emotions to process through. i think ill wait until i talk to a counseler and see what they recommend. again, thank you for your responses and advice, i really appreciate it. i know this is going to be a long hard road, so im really going to need it

[GraceMay87]

My heart goes out to you dear.
But let me tell you one thing. 20 years from now, when you come across your child you gave away and see how happy he is, that hole in you heart that is causing you so much pain will seem like a little mole compared to the happiness you will feel when you see how happy he is, how far in life he has achieved and will continue to thrive.
No matter if you have an open adoption, closed or semi open...you will always be that child's mother, because you did what most women cannot do. You put your happiness and wants aside, and first thought of your child and his needs...I truly salute you.

God bless you....and your family

[PRAISEMom]

Drealynn, how are you doing? I just read your post and my heart goes out to you. You are a brave woman, and one day that little boy will say "thank you" because you made the choice to give him life, and he will know that you acted in love. You are his Mama, your love for him will always be real and important, and you did what a lot of us were too cowardly to do.

Is there a possibility you can have some contact with him? We have an open adoption with our daughter's birth parents (especially the Mama). Even in a closed adoption there is hope -- a friend of mine even met her daughter sooner than planned. They are getting to know each other, and there is a bond there, even though the daughter also still loves her adoptive family very much. God bless you, dear one. Hold on, because it gets better.