[julz12-13]

i found my bd 1 yr ago this past july. we have had our ups and downs. we really connect, but her aparents are very threatened by our relationship. i have tried everything to let them know, i am not trying to get in the way or take over. i back off, i've opened the door for them to get to know me.
on top of everything, they are christians, her dad is a minister. i asked for that in the adoption. and it was by chance, they were adopting thru my atty. at first, they were open when bd and i first started contact. as time went on, and bd was having issues with a bf and then sleeping with him. the aparents, actually started blaming me! saying i changed her, and condoning it. she is an only child. i have 3 other children. one being a dd who is 3 yrs younger. the girls have gotten along well for the most part. but my dd does feel neglected at times from my attention to bd.
now my bd got pregnant, then married her bf, she and bf are 22. the aparents didnt want her to invite me to the wedding. which she wanted my dd as her maid of honor, and my 4 yr old son as a ring bearer. but she heeded her parents' wishes. then after the wedding, the amom told the new son in law, i didnt like him. which started an arguement between bd and i. now we are not talking at all!!!!
i emailed the amom and told her that was so messed up. and how she sabatoged my relationship with her dd. (yes, i have always refered to K as their dd...not my bd or child.) i know i was wrong for sending that email...but i am sooo angry and hurt!!! by all of them. and i just need some prayers, support and advice. i know the real advice is to let it go. i know bd feels guilty to everyone...wants everyone to be happy. but i am a very loyal person...i dont condemn ppl so quickly. this isnt the first time this has happened with the amom. she twists things constintly. there's so much more i could go into. there are issues in this family as a preacher's family i could go into that just isnt right. and my father is a preacher too. and i know preachers are human too. but the actions of this couple are not someone who is practicing their faith.
sorry i sound judging...but i am soo disappointed and hurt right now. please just help me!!!!

[sstuart]

I am sorry for your difficulty. I am sure that your dd is feeling very torn due to her mother's insecurity. She is also still very young, so her mother will influence her much more. It is sad that often negatives get blamed on the genetics. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Jackiejdajda]

How difficult for you.. my first thought is accept what we can not change..
I think what you are going through is definetly a consequence of adoption.. a bad consequence..

Miss communication and people getting involved where they should not be invovled..

I don't know how to handle it.. but I have heard about this happening through the years so you are not alone..

Keep posting because someone may say I have gone through this as well and this is how I handled it..

Jackie

[julz12-13]

thank you girls...its nice to have a place to vent it. and ppl understand...or at least sympathize. my friends and family are supportive. i just never thought it would go this way b/c we had all prayed about it thru the years. at least thats what i was told, and i know i did.
i know she's young and immature...and at the same time, i look at her and think...i had had her at this age...and was not this immature. i guess even my own children arent very mature compared to how it was back in the "day".
i feel bad, but there is some relief of not having the chaos of her family hanging over my head. it brought back those feelings of how ppl looked at me when i was pregnant with her. being the preacher's dd who got pregnant.

[JustPeachy]

I don't have any real words of wisdom here, as you are in a tough spot and I'm not sure there is really anything you can do. Your daughter is stuck in the middle, it seems, and her mom is just plain out of line, but that won't change unless and until your daughter can start to stand up to her. I would let your daughter know you are there for her when/if she needs you, but you can not be dragged into the family drama. Can you still maintain a separate relationship with your daughter that doesn't include family events and such? I'm sorry your daughter's mom is causing this trouble for you and stirring up so much b.s. It is totally wrong for her to tell your son-in-law that you don't like him and to blame you for your daughter's pregnancy. Your daughter is a grown woman and makes her own choices. Sounds like amom is looking for a scapegoat and she has chosen you, rather than have it be a reflection on her parenting (when, in fact, it wouldn't be a reflection on her parenting anyway!). Sorry you are going through this.

[julz12-13]

after the first run in of her mom, we did have a relationship that K would not tell her parents she was with me. it felt awful to be together and if her parents called her cell phone...my family would have to be quiet so they wouldnt know where she was. i felt like a dirty secret. but i went along with it. i think the big mistake we as bmoms do is telliing the bchild its up to them how the relationship goes. when things didnt go her way, she would throw that up at me. you know i think in the begining thats works...but in any of my other relationships...whether my children,dh or friends...even my parents...its a 50-50 work together kind of thing. things always were on her terms. so that would be the one thing that i would advise against in telling bchildren. which that advise was given to me. some ppl have control issues. and even if this is immaturity...i was never this way...and i'm still not.
i guess its just time and prayer thats the only answer. she pretty much wants me to leave her alone. some of that makes me relieved...and then the other part of it, makes me feel bad.

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I don't have any real words of wisdom here, as you are in a tough spot and I'm not sure there is really anything you can do. Your daughter is stuck in the middle, it seems, and her mom is just plain out of line, but that won't change unless and until your daughter can start to stand up to her. I would let your daughter know you are there for her when/if she needs you, but you can not be dragged into the family drama. Can you still maintain a separate relationship with your daughter that doesn't include family events and such? I'm sorry your daughter's mom is causing this trouble for you and stirring up so much b.s. It is totally wrong for her to tell your son-in-law that you don't like him and to blame you for your daughter's pregnancy. Your daughter is a grown woman and makes her own choices. Sounds like amom is looking for a scapegoat and she has chosen you, rather than have it be a reflection on her parenting (when, in fact, it wouldn't be a reflection on her parenting anyway!). Sorry you are going through this.