[hpoleon1]

I'm new to this message board, and hoping to get some good feedback. I am 25, 6 months pregnant, and a single mother of a 5 year old. I am in no position to take on the responsibilities of another child. I'm really scared about this decision. Anyone else out there, who has been or is in a similar situation?

[hippiechick]

Welcome to the forums, hpoleon1! You are not alone in your situation--far from it...

I am the birth mother of twins who were born 11/14/01. I placed them in a private adoption (meaning there was no agency involved). It is also an open adoption, which means I get letters, pictures, phone calls, etc. from the adoptive parents.

I'd be glad to chat with you about what it is like to be a birth mother.

Best wishes to you

[mock5jhlab]

I was a adopted child, my mother was only 15 when she had me, I had the opportunity because of her unselfish act by giving me up, to have a most wonderful and loving home. With parents who supported me and cared very much about me. She gave me a wonderful gift and home. I thought I would tell you that. Many of us adopted ones, feel not only happiness and gratitude from this act but get to experience a very awesome life. Don't worry about thoughts that may be bothering you. I will be thinking of you. Good luck, Holly

[lucky17186]

Hi There,

I wanted to drop you a line and tell you that you are certainly not alone. My 19 year old niece found out she was pregnant and has decided that she does not want to keep the baby. This is very difficult for the entire family......and especially difficult for myself because I am in the middle of an adoption. You are probably thinking to yourself, why wouldn't I adopt the baby? Well, it would make things very complicated since my niece does not want to have anything to do with the child and we are very very close. My niece is due on November 11th, 2003 and this weekend we are going to meet a couple that is interested in adopting the baby. I do believe that this is what is best for the baby, but it really hurts to even think about giving it up. I think that only you will know what decision is right for you and your baby.

LZ

[BMTexas]

You are the one that has to live with this decision, not anyone else. Of course there are plenty of people who will tell you how wonderful adoption is, and there are many birthmothers who agree fully with adoption with all it's
twists and turns, good and bads. I'm not against adoption, but I don't think
it is for every unwed mother, even for those who are financialy disadvantaged or already have another child.

Wait. Wait until the baby is here, then you can decide if you *really* want to loose this child, if you really want it to be.....
" someone else's baby."

There are other options beyond just and adoption. There is temporary custody. There is temporary legal
guardianship. Is there some relative that would temporarily take the baby? I would fully look into all my options for life besides adoption.
Even try keeping the baby for a while. Why? Because the pain of losing your
child is beyond comprehension. It will be the most difficult thing you'll ever do. And it lasts a lifetime. And there is no guarantee that you will ever see this child again. Many Aparents disapear soon after the birth, or don't live up to what they agreed.

Just two yrs. after I relinquished my first born, I was pregnant again. I could not deal with the emptiness anymore. It was too much for me. Although my child went to a "good" home, I was lost those first yrs. and I didn't know who I was, until I became pregnant again. Then I discovered, "Hey, I'm MOM."

It's not selfish to think of you. Give your child yourself, even if yourself is all you have to give because in doing that, you *are* thinking of your child too.

Rhonda,
birthmother for 15 yrs., to one
mother to five other children

[hpoleon1]

Thanks for all your support and caring words! I'm sure I will not know for sure what I want to do until after the baby comes, but as of right now, my heart REALLY is telling me that this is the right decision. I am involved with a local adoption agency in my town, and have just started with choosing what type of parents I want. Hopefully within the next month or so, I will get to meet someone. I am planning on an open adoption, with pictures and letters, but I am also keeping in mind that the aparents may not go through with what they say. I will just have to deal with that if the time comes.

So for right now, I am just taking it one day at a time, and hope that I make the right decisions. Thanks again for your stories and I will post again soon!! --Heather

[Bogie]

Heather,

I'm wondering how you are doing, and what has happened since your last post. I hope all is going well for you, whatever decision you made.

Sincerely,
Heather

[Sarah0518]

I found this thread yesterday when it was reactivated, and lo and behold a story I found today that seems so closely related to it. I hope this helps:

'I love my baby, but I had to give her up'
(Filed: 19/05/2004)


Cassandra Jardine talks to a mother who realised she couldn't cope, and the foster carer now responsible for her brain-damaged child

In the gardens of Helen House, a children's hospice in Oxford, two women politely ask each other who wants to hold two-year-old Imogen. In a benign version of the judgment of Solomon, both have the child's best interests at heart: one is the child's biological mother, Julia Hollander, an opera director; the other is Tania Beale, Imogen's foster carer.


Looking forward: Tania Beale is foster carer for two-year-old Imogen
Once upon a time, Julia, 39, would have been horrified to be told that she would hand over the care of her second child to another woman. Two years ago, she and her partner, composer Jeremy Arden, were living in a Cotswold cottage with their two-year-old daughter, Elinor. While working part-time, Julia would potter about with her little girl, waiting for the birth of the baby. "It was bliss," she says.

That all changed with Imogen's birth. When, at 38 weeks, Julia began to haemorrhage, Jeremy rushed her to hospital. The baby was born soon after: her heart was beating, but she had to be resuscitated. Although Imogen appeared healthy, when they took her home, Julia had a terrible time.

"Imogen was either asleep or she was screaming," she says. "She would scream for four or five hours every night, and I was exhausted. I remember hating her, but that was very confusing because I also loved her. Really, I was hating myself for not being able to make her happy. I didn't seem able to communicate with her as I had with Elinor."

The endless screaming soon had an impact on the family. Jeremy withdrew from Imogen; Elinor was unnaturally quiet for an extrovert two-year-old and Julia was very envious of other mothers.


Fostering a perfect relationship: Tania Beale, left, with baby Imogen and Imogen's natural mother, Julia

"I became obsessed by the size of other babies' heads," she remembers, "because Imogen's wasn't growing." She did not know it then, but Imogen's head was small because there was very little brain left in her head to grow.

When Imogen was six months old and suffering fits, a neurologist told Julia that a scan showed "a black hole" where the baby's cerebral cortex should be. Before the birth, the placenta had come adrift causing her brain to dissolve. "She will be doubly incontinent," he said, "and she will never walk or talk."

"Mourning begins from the moment of diagnosis," says Julia, who was desperate, not knowing how to cope with her unresponsive child. A retired paediatrician friend told her many mothers of severely disabled children handed them over to social services. As she toyed with this, she watched Panorama, which reported that many parents soldier on until a child is seven or eight and too heavy to lift – and then beg social services to take the child.

Julia didn't think she could last that long and the retired paediatrician told her that if she wanted social services to take over, she had to show that the child was in danger. "I don't think I am the right parent for this child," was the form of words that he advised her to use. When the time came to pick Imogen up from a stay in hospital, she used it.

Instantly, doctors, nurses and social workers gathered to meet her. She told them, without exaggerating, how at 5am one morning, as she swung the screaming Imogen to soothe her, she had thought about swinging her a little harder and smashing her head against the wall. "Do you want someone else to look after her?" they asked. She answered: "Yes."

"If I were to stage that scene," she says, "I would be weeping, but, in fact, I was very cool-headed. I think I was in shock."

Everything happened very fast. Imogen was sent to live with Tania Beale, a 30-year-old already caring for an older, disabled girl. She came home to Julia one night a week to give Tania a break. Able to sleep again and re-establish other family relationships, Julia began to recover, but she was torn. "The rational part of me said that it was right that Tania should look after her, but the physical, visceral part of me needed her."

She saw counsellors who made her feel less guilty: she had bonded with the baby, she said, but she couldn't care for her. Social services tried to persuade Julia to take her back, but she was convinced she had done the right thing.

"Tania has always been incredibly professional," she says. "She would hold Imogen out to me when I arrived and she never kisses her in front of me, but she is better with her than I am.

"For her, Imogen is Imogen. She brought a joyfulness with her, while I was mourning the loss of the child I had expected."

Tania is a remarkable woman. Her mother was a social worker who specialised in Down's syndrome children and, from her teens, Tania knew that she wanted to spend her life caring for disabled children. "There is more time to celebrate every achievement than with able children," she says. "Every little improvement is a miracle."

Even so, the first six months with Imogen were hard because she screamed continually. "But I knew she would be demanding," says Tania, "and I didn't have another baby to compare her with, so I just got on with it. It wasn't as if I had to go out and do a job. And, when she went to Julia, I could recover."

She brushes aside the description of sainthood. "We all have different skills. I couldn't work in an office. If parents can't cope with a child, the most loving things they can do is make sure the child is cared for by someone who can."

Imogen is doing well. Her relentless screaming has stopped and she is learning to roll over. She responds to her mother, whom she sees each fortnight, but Tania is the main figure in her life. It is expensive to care for her, but the £280 a week Tania receives from social services covers the costs, and Julia helps. What makes a difference, though, is that Tania, as a foster carer, gets all kinds of help from social services, whereas for Julia not even respite care was available.

"Foster parents come top of the list," explains Tania. "The rationale is that the children have already known one family break-up. If birth parents had the support I have, when they needed it, a lot of children wouldn't now be in care."

Sad though that is, Julia and Tania are looking forward. Tania is planning a camping trip in the New Forest with Imogen, and Julia is expecting a baby this summer.

[DKENDRICK]

I am not saying that adoption is right or wrong because each case is different. But, I do wish that you would maybe consider how the child might feel 15 or 20 years down the road. Even though adoption is suppose to be very positive ,and it can be, there are sometimes innocent victims involved. I have a connection to the mother that I have never met. I am 28 years old and wish for nothing more than to meet her. Unfortunately, my adoption was closed and I have not been able to find her. I feel as though it is might right as a child to meet my siblings even if she doesn't want contact.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally posted by hpoleon1
Thanks for all your support and caring words! I'm sure I will not know for sure what I want to do until after the baby comes, but as of right now, my heart REALLY is telling me that this is the right decision. I am involved with a local adoption agency in my town, and have just started with choosing what type of parents I want. Hopefully within the next month or so, I will get to meet someone. I am planning on an open adoption, with pictures and letters, but I am also keeping in mind that the aparents may not go through with what they say. I will just have to deal with that if the time comes.

So for right now, I am just taking it one day at a time, and hope that I make the right decisions. Thanks again for your stories and I will post again soon!! --Heather

Be sure to do some reading too... see what you legal options are in your state with open adoption. There are only seven states with laws on the books and not all those states will enforce the law.

Open adoption is great, and when it works it is wonderful for everyone. It eliminates the questions of who I look like, or is my child still alive.

But once the adoption is final the ball is in the adoptive parents court. If they are frist time adoptive parents they won't really know if open adoption works for them. In many states the adoptive parents can close an adoption at any time and there is no legal recourse for the birthmother.

It isn't that they are bad people, they just find it sometimes too overwhelming. Or it isn't what they really want after they try it.

Adoption can be a wonderful option. But it is a permanent answer to a sometimes temporary problem. You will also have to explain to your 5 year old why you are not bring baby sister or brother home. Some children will think if you don't like them you will give them away too. So watch for some changes in your 5 year old after the adoption takes place.

Good luck with your decision.

[Dublin]

Only you can make this decision. Althought adoption affects many people very differently, in my heart I truly believe that adoption is a good thing.

My husband and I adopted our daughter 6 months ago. We are involved in an open adoption with both the birthmother and birthfather and think the world of them. We discussed with them prior to the adoption why they wanted to place the baby for adoption and they both stated it was not because of money, but because they both felt they were not prepared to become parents. They were not prepared to provide her with all that she needed. They placed their trust in us to raise this beautiful little girl as our own.

I am praying for you. You will make the decision that you think is right.

[dl]

hpoleon1 started this thread last September of 2003. She last posted in January 2004, 2 1/2 weeks after relinquishing her son.

originally posted by DKENDRICK
I am not saying that adoption is right or wrong because each case is different. But, I do wish that you would maybe consider how the child might feel 15 or 20 years down the road.

To anyone that is considering "how the child might feel 15 or 20 years down the road" you might want to read the thread
“Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee”. Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee

Many adult adoptees shared their adoption experience on this thread.

[brook55]

Hi, My name is brook. I got pregnant at the age of 15. I have a 7 yr. old now. I thought about adoption but it wasn't right for me. I am now married and we have 2 other children. Jordyn is 3 and Zachary is 1. I can't pretend i know how you feel..
Much Love,
brook rhinehart

{Edited for TOS Violation}
Community Websites are NOT places for adoptive parents or adoption professionals to solicit birthparents. So many people visit the Community Websites that birthmothers get "pounced on" from dozens of different people if this rule is not strictly observed. Adoption Media is committed to making the Community Websites places where birthparents feel safe. It is not appropriate for adoption professionals or hopeful parents to post "I can help" messages, or Internet addresses for birthmothers to visit, or to send this type of e-mail to birthmothers.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Brook-- First this thread is VERY old so there is NO child here to be solicited.

#2 It was WAY against the rules to solicite someone's child on these boards. I wanted to be sure to put that out there before you post again! These boards are for support and learning and talking to other people in the same situations.... but not to solicite children.
Welcome and I hope that you learn a lot here!

Christine

[smurray]

Hello, I was 17 and did not know what to do, I placed my baby up for adoption at that time I knew it was the best thing for her. Now I believe she is trying to find me, she is 28 yrs old now. Anyways, you will make the right decision, you sound very mature, if you need to talk I am here.
Take care,
Sue