[thanksgivingmom]

This sunday I returned to church for a service for the first time since I gave birth, two months ago today. Ever since I gave birth I have seen Gods hand in everything far more than I did before. I have always believed, but when you witness a miracle such as growing a child inside of you and bringing it into this world (especially as I did it alone, with no complications, a very special miracle!) it is hard not to have that belief grow exponentially.

Anyway, I went to church and barely made it through the service. I was an emotional wreck, especially through the confession and forgiveness of sins. I felt this huge weight just descend upon me and experienced intense grief in that moment. I want church to be an uplifting experience and this weekends experience was incredibly painful. I felt so much more of the power of church, but I feel like I'm not ready, maybe like I'm not worthy.

I don't know, does this make sense with any of the other birthmothers?

[taramayrn]

I've had similar experiences - and often I have felt that I wasn't even worthy of my own forgiveness so how could God forgive me?
Time and praying and working through my experiences helped me through it.

[kakuehl]

Anyway, I went to church and barely made it through the service. I was an emotional wreck, especially through the confession and forgiveness of sins. I felt this huge weight just descend upon me and experienced intense grief in that moment. I want church to be an uplifting experience and this weekends experience was incredibly painful. I felt so much more of the power of church, but I feel like I'm not ready, maybe like I'm not worthy.

Thanksgivingmom, I think what you experienced was indeed part of the grief process. I never stopped going to church during and after my pregnancy but that doesn't mean it was always easy! I find even today that there are times when I cry through parts of the service. (This is very inconvenient when I'm leading worship!!) I thank God for the Holy Spirit because when I am leading worship the Spirit truly does strengthen me and enable me to worship God in the midst of my tears. It did take me a long time to forgive myself after the birth of D even though I knew God forgave me. Listen carefully to the words we say when we confess that "we are in bondage to sin and cannot free ourselves." and then to the words of absolution (forgivess). To you I say, "..as a called and ordained minister of the church of Christ and by his authority I declare to the entire forgiveness of all your sins." Those words are meant for you. God forgives you your failure to be perfect (Thank God!) Listen to those words and let that burden of pain and guilt be lifted off you.

Sometimes I think we experience that sense of overwhelming grief because our belief in God has been strengthened. We become aware of how much we "have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." The entire liturgy is designed to show us how much God loves us and wants us to experience his forgiveness. It is much harder for us to forgive ourselves.

When we go to church we may also be overwhelmed by the memories of all we've been taught over the years about write and wrong and how we're to behave. I don't know about you, but for me having sex outside of marriage (let alone a baby) was definitely not something a "good Christian girl" did. When I entered the church sometimes I flet like I was wearing a scarlet letter!

Needless to say, I came to terms with who I am as a child of God. I try to practice daily dying to sin a I remember my baptism into Christ's death and resurrection.

BTW, my favorite definition of sin is anything that breaks relationship with God or humans.

Hang in their. Please don't stop going to worship. Allow God to speak to you.

[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks for your perspective Kathy. Unfortunately I work on Sunday's so I don't get to go to church regularly for traditional sunday morning service (I'm episcopalian) but attend when I can get a sunday off and go to evensong and evening prayer occasionally.

I definitely understand the Scarlett letter feeling...I went to church, thousands of miles away from my home and anyone that knows me, yet I thought they all "knew" what had happened. Almost more odd is that I felt this overwhelming desire to "out" myself to these strangers, like I wanted to wear the scarlett letter to set myeslf apart as being not worthy.

Also, I KNOW that God has forgiven me and loves me and it's almost like I dont think he should have, not yet, like I havent earned it.

BTW, I really like your definition of sin, because while I have made some poor choices, my relationship with God has been strengthened through all of this and I'm working on my relationships with the people in my life as I have changed so much in the past year.

Thanks again Kathy!

[kakuehl]

Also, I KNOW that God has forgiven me and loves me and it's almost like I dont think he should have, not yet, like I havent earned it.

I think this is one of the main points! I felt God shouldn't forgive me so easily, that I needed to deserve it. The point about God's love is that it's unconditional! We don't have to earn it (and we can't!) God's grace is unconditional but it's not cheap. Think of the healing stories in the Bible. Jesus healed 10 lepers, but only one came back to thank him. He told that one, "your faith has made you well." You have been healed/forgiven, but you won't be well until you believe it!

I firmly believe you will get there. (Trust me, there is life - and good life - after placement!)

[SchmennaLeigh]

T-mom; it took me some time to feel comfortable in church again, especially due to the way I was treated by my parents pastor.

I can only tell you that time, prayer, involvement with the church and personal involvement in the word on a (mostly... heh) daily basis helped me get through my issues. We're all different, of course, but those things helped me greatly.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about some more of this stuff... perhaps for next Sunday's post in my Faith & Adoption series.

[thanksgivingmom]

well, its ash wednesday and my parents have invited me to go to church with them tonight. part of me wants to decline because i worry about what happening the last time i went to church happening again and it worrying them...another part of me knows i should go, that i want to go, that its important to me. im just not sure that i'm ready...hopefully i'll decide soon as the service starts in a few hours...

[kakuehl]

I hope you go. Let the imposition of ashes and the confession and The Meal remind us that ALL have sinned. And that God loves us no matter what!

[soulquest81]

Its amazing how many birthmoms feel guilt and shame and worthlessness at times, myself included. But we have to remember that those feelings are not of God. Choosing life for your child, and a better life than you feel that you can give her at the time certainly is not a sin. Peace be to you.

-Lindsey

[mrsred]

tgm, did you go? I hope so. this is such a wonderful time for us to remember that we are loved unconditionally.

[thanksgivingmom]

okay, long time away from this forum, but I chickened out and couldn't bring myself to church that day. however, I went yesterday, and I held it together fairly well, which pleased me since I was with my parents, grandparents, and sister.

I don't work on Sunday's anymore, and would like to find a church nearby to go alone for now...