[tiabear82]

hi all,
This is Tia. It is my first time on this site, but I really like what I have seen so far. I think this could really help me out alot.

I am 20 years old, and I am 7 months pregnant with my first child.
The father is 19 and has 2 other children he doesn't see or pay child support for. His children and their mothers are struggling alot trying to get by.

He has been gone for about 4 months now, and I don't have any way of contacting him. Don't know if I even want to.

So I have decided to give my child up for adoption to my aunt and uncle who cannot have children of their own. They have a 10 year old, but he was concived by artificial insemination. They don't have the money to do that again.

They are very excited about being able to have this baby, and are prepareing for him more every day.

The thing is though...I was ok with this, and have been ok with it for quite some time now. But my way of coping was to not feel connected to the baby I am carrying. And to not think about the actual human life inside me. It was easy to ignore for a long time, and even when I would feel it move, I just put it in the back of my mind.

But, just 2 days ago, we went in for a sonogram, and found out that it was a boy. They are going to name him Landon Ray. But now that the "it" in my belly has a gender and a name it is more like a real person, and it is starting to take it's toll on me.
I have been very emotional for the past couple of days, and I don't really have anyone to talk to that I can just break down in front of, and release my emotions to.

Everyone wants to give me the advice that "just think that you are doing the right thing, and it will be ok"
Well, I know I am doing the right thing, but they dont understand that there are still many emotions involved it in.
I guess my heart just feels really heavy right now, and I just need someone I can cry to who won't judge or give advice that just makes it worse.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and reply. Any birth mothers sharing thier emotions and fears and helpful hints are appreciated greatly.

Love,
Tia

[momacedone]

Hi, I am an adoptive mom of 5 children and have counseled several birthmoms including the birthmom to our last child. I would suggest you check around and get some counseling before you deliver. It is best to have someone who is not directly involved in the situation to talk to. What you are thinking about doing.... which is placing your child for adoption........ is not easy to do.........there are also lots of books in the library which can be helpful in guiding you to whatever is the right decision for you. Our last birthmom had a very hard time adjusting after the placement even though she KNEW that there was no way she could parent the child. We spent everyday talking for several mos with my sending her lots of materials on the post placement adjustment. If you need someone to talk to contact me.....JHMmom1234@cs.com

[tiabear82]

thank you very much for your message. I have been reading all kinds of threads on this site, and they are really informative. I have found that I am not alone. And that my feelings are completely normal. I have already made my decision...no turning back, it's just now I have to start dealing with the grieveing process that comes along with my decision. A big hug and a prayer for me might help
Love,
Tia

[momacedone]

keep talking about your feelings to others.............After the birth, you will go through all the grieving process all over again as well as different times throughout the year.especially during the holidays. Kep doing your homework.... by reading all you can........ there are also birthmoms out there that are terribly angry about their decision, so moderate the thinggs you read and make the best cedcision for you and your baby. Cherese

[tiabear82]

once again, thank you for your help and reply. The good thing with this adoption, is that I know I won't be angry with my decision. I have known my childs parents my entire life. They are the most wonderful parents in the whole world. And, even though I can't have my child back at any time, I can always see him...or choose not to see him, depending on how it tolls on my emotional state. But I will always know what he looks like, how he is doing, I can be a part of his life. Just not as the mother figure. I know I won't ever have to look far to find my birth son once he turns of age either. He will already be close by...
I don't think there is any way I could give him to a total stranger that I just read a few things about, and only recieve pictures and letters every 6 months or so. I think that would drive me crazy, but with it being in the family. I can make the choice to be around him or not. Depending on how my emotional state is. I can't of course be around him all of the time, I wouldn't want his parents to feel like I was intruding into thier life that they are trying to make with him. But I know they won't keep me away from my son either. I feel good about the decision I have made for my son. I know he will have a beautiful life, and will have the best daddy and mommy in the world. I just now have to deal with the emotional process of healing from this, and since it is just starting and no where near finished yet, it is kinda wearing me down.
I know me and my son will both be fine...even though it hurts very much to give him up.
Thanks again for your reply....
Tia

[emiflee]

whoa. that is a brutal website. There are truths there, though. You just have to assess the fact that many of these activists were spawned in the years of closed adoptions. Like you said, you don't think you could cope with the not knowing. Also, if you don't truly evaluate all your options and choose adoption, you may end up feeling the way many of the women contributing to that website do.
I am emily, I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 21 (i am now 23) I remember the last few months were so difficult. I buried myself in school work and my job, trying to distract myself from the fact that she was in there. I, to, had many doubts. I can also see many of the influences that went into making my decision. (hindsight is 20/20) The main one is that I was always the good girl, the one my parents didn't have to worry about. until my daughter was conceived. My first reaction was "how can I fix this?" redeem myself.
I wonder if you have scrutinized your own motivations? I, myself hid behind the old, "it's best for the baby" I don't mean to patronize you if this is your reason, but I don't believe it is ever as simple as that.
I, to am in a very open adoption. I can see my daughter as often as I like. I am close to her mom, she is a daddy's girl for sure.
My advise is to GET COUNSELING.
Really look at why you wish for your son to be raised by your Aunt and Uncle
Don't feel like you need to redeem yourself in making your decision.
You can write me back privately if you want to talk to someone around your age that is in a very open adoption.
emiflee@hotmail.com
-emily

[tiabear82]

no, no, no. I have no pride at all, that I am trying to keep. I am also not hiding behind any reason. I would love more than anything in the world to keep my son. And I am not ashamed of being pregnant. I just honestly have seen the mother's of this man's children struggle very much. I have seen his older son ask his mommy, " why won't daddy call me?? I miss him" and once when he was gone out of town for a year and didn't call, write, or anything. His son asked his mommy " do I have a daddy? tommy has a mommy and a daddy, why don't I have a daddy?"
I think that is absolutely horrible for a child to go through. As well as the struggling mothers who haven't recieved a cent for child support. I have his papers from the attorney general stating he owes 25,000 dollars in child support.
My child deserves to have a wonderful daddy and mommy who are ready to take on that responsibility, and give him the wonderful and stable life that he deserves.

I heard a saying the other day that just made me break down in tears because it is so true.

"I can be the best mommy in the whole world, but I can never be a daddy too."

I love my son very much, and I want what is going to make his life the easiest, and happiest. And with the way my life is right now, and his father is. It is best if he never has to deal with or know his birth father. And he will have everything that he needs without having to see me struggle for it.

Not to mention, the fact that my aunt and uncle can't have children and have been wanting a baby for some time. And could never afford to adopt. The family adoption is 10,000 dollars less than one through an agency.
They are the best people in the world. And Landon (my son) cannot ever ask to be with a better couple.

Thanks for your input though. I do appreciate it, I just think that our situations and true reasons for doing what we did are a little different. But we can still talk, I am sure the emotional parts of giving up a child are the same, no matter what the circumstances behind it are.

Thanks...
Tia

[momacedone]

That site is very brutal........ As you can see, some birthmoms are very angry, as I said, about their decision to place. You sound like you are being level headed about this and are thinking about all aspects and outcomes of your decision.It is very true what you said about children having to have a Dad in place to really be a happy individual espcially in the world today where it is so hard to live a good life . A child does need the support and love of both parents.....whether they are bio or adoptive parents. Have you done any research into the effects of placing within the family??????I am glad you are checking things on all sides. You need to know the good with the bad.. Good luck,,,,,,,,,

[emiflee]

I am not trying to attack you, it seems that you are very intelligent and grounded. I appologize for asking you to justify your decision to all of us. I did probe because I have found that the hardest part of healing for me is when I see the influences that other people's needs and opinions took over my own. You do mention in both of your posts how much your aunt and uncle wish for another child. I just want to make the point that it is not your responsibility to fulfill their wish. At the same time, I identify with your reasons for considering adoption.
I to visualized my future, and that of my daughter, if I were to parent her. I saw myself dropping her off at day care at 7am and picking her back up at 7pm. I saw myself working to make ends meet and not being able to be the mom I wanted to be, the kind that can wake with the sun, fix breakfast, go to the park, do art projects and play with her. The reality of it is, this would not be possible if I were to parent her. Perhaps years from now I will be better able to be that kind of parent. Perhaps not.
Sorry for being so ambiguous. This decision is based on so many unknowns - what your life will be like , your child's life, if you raise him, if your aunt and uncle raise him. All you can do is project. look at all of your options and do what you feel is best, not only for your son, but for yourself. Thinking of yourself is not being selfish.
I don't mean to be all doom and gloom. You do have an ideal situation if you do place your son with your aunt and uncle. That is something that is so so important to how this will affect you. My daughter's mom has been SO great and has truly made an effort to make me feel peace with my decision. THere is hope!
-emily.

[Courtney Frey]

There have been some amazing posts written to our dear Tia, thank you all so much for being such a great group of supporters for her!

Tia ~ no matter how you make this choice you must do so with your heart. It is yours alone to make and it takes great courage and will to make the decision to relinquish, even if it is into a family situation.

There are many things ahead of you that you should begin to prepare yourself for now. Relinquishment, even if decided on with grand reasons and with a peaceful heart, is still difficult.

I encourage you to seriously consider getting counseling. I know that you really don't want to burden your Aunt and Uncle with any expenses, but it is SO important that your emotional needs are validated and nurtured right now - more than you know. Please check with your local county department of human services and ask them if you have any counseling programs at low or no cost to you. Any kind of counseling is better than no counseling at all.

You have begun the grieving process, yes - but this is just the beginning Tia - and it gets rough. Very rough. Please, I encourage you to find someone unattached to the situation, someone who can truly just listen to you and help you work through the initial grief.

And remember ... your decision isn't about blessing an infertile aunt and uncle with a baby - this decision is about blessing your son Landon with great parents. You are not indebted to your aunt and uncle - you are doing this for your son. Do it the best you can, do it right - know what you're doing, and don't do it alone. Even though it is ideal that he will remain in the family - the seperation that will occur still needs to be validated.

You are not alone and if you do choose to go through with this, we are all here. Please, get some local help and make sure you've recieved all the information you need. This is possibly the most important decision of your life - don't make it uninformed.

We've all been there and know how you are feeling - please come often, if just to vent! You are loved.

Courtney

[schervinskis]

Hi, 5 years ago I gave my daughter up for adoption. It was the hardest thing to do but deep in my heart I know I did the right thing. Just yesterday I recieved some pictures...I cry every time I get them. I was talking to my husband about it and was telling him that as much as I would love her to be with me, there are no regrets. She is happy and loved...I could not ask for anything more. It has not been an easy road but things work out. I am now married to a wondferful man, we have a big beautiful home and I am a stay-at-home mom. I would hope you would get some counselling...it helps to talk about it.


ps I also nursed my daughter for three days in the hospital... I wanted to bond with her...I would would do it all over again!!!!

[tiabear82]

thank you guys so much for your stories and support. You all have been wonderful. I feel much peace to be able to talk with people who understand my feelings. Noone in my family has ever done something like this, so they don't understand my feelings of pain.
The thing that makes it the worst I think, is that when I express my feelings of saddness, my aunt and uncle get all scared that I am going to change my mind. And they start freaking out. They don't understand that, even though I won't change my mind, I still hurt a lot, and I have to deal with that.
I am willing to sacrifice my emotional pain to make sure my son Landon has a wonderful life.
Thank you all for your posts you have been great. I love you guys.
Tia

[lafrisch]

Tia,

I too gave up a baby for adoption, 18 years ago. And lately I have been listening to my adult friends who are adopted. I don't know why but several (who of course did not know about my child) poured their hearts out to me and it was really sad. You should consider your childs feelings and see what people who are adopted are saying and look at how desperate they are to find their parents when in a weird way they never really will because of all that time lost.

My question is, why don't your aunt and uncle help you out, instead of you helping them out?

And, finally, I would like you to consider asking people if they would be willing to help you - my mother waited until after my baby was gone and then cried and cried and said she would have helped me. She just thought it was the wrong thing to try to influence my decision earlier!

[Zee]

As a birth mother I who gave her son up 28 yrs ago.
It has haunted me for 28 yrs it never left my heart.
I just got his records Monday an now I am awaiting him getting his so we can meet. This is my dream an has been all these years as he is confused. But when he gets the records and see''s how many notes i have in his file over the years an the gift i bought him an the letter i wrote that day he was relinquished the state told me he would get but they lied. there in the sealed records.
he will get them then. I am with the other mother why can't they help u instead of you helping them it is a little selfish i think on there end. but i am speaking from a broken heart of a mom who did what ur thinking of doing. Please think long an hard when u see that lil boy the day he is born. It will be hard to face him while he is growing up. It was hard for me an he wasn't adopted by family. I think there asking allot of a young girl to do. If you would like to talk I am here. I regret giving my son up. My parents had me brain washed but if i knew my god mom would of helped me i would have kept him .. I was stupid as 2 months after his birth i left an never went back to my parents .. not coz of my son but that was part of it. I am happy now to know he is only 80 miles from me. but i wont intrude on him till he gives me permission to be part of his life..
just a mom who knows how it feels to give up a son..

[tiabear82]

I appreciate your posts ladies.
In response.

I am not helping them out... they are helping me and my son out, by taking on the responsibility of his life which I cannot do.
I had already decided to give my son up for adoption, and had thought long and hard about it...and I went to them, and asked them if they would adopt him for me. I wanted the chance to at least still have him close so I would know him as he is growing up, even if I couldn't be his mother...I wouldn't ever be far.
If they had said that they couldn't do it, or didn't want to do it, then I would have gone to an adoption agency more than likely.
But, by the grace of god, they love me and this child, and they wanted to have him close by also, so they decided that they would tell me yes.
I think it is absolutely wonderful that they are doing this for me.
And most of all for my son. He will have a daddy now, someone to teach him to tie his shoe and ride a bike...and he won't always have to wonder about why his birth father didn't care. And one day when they decide to tell him who is birth mother is, I will have all of the records showing how much I cared. Letter's I have already and will continue to write him, and all of the police documents about his birth father.
I belive that once my son talks to me about the reasons behind my decision, he will tell me thank you for thinking about his feelings as he is growing up. And he will say he had the best parents in the whole world.
I think if I kept him, and he saw me struggle, and wondered where his daddy was, and didn't have a man in his life to help him learn how to stand up to pee. and all of those things.... that he would be very angry at me for putting him through a lifetime of hell.
I belive I am doing the right thing for me and my son.

Oh, and my family....mom and dad... won't help me out with this child if I were to keep him. They think this is my responsibility, and I should do what it takes to make sure he is taken care of.
So, by giving him the best parents in the world, I am making sure he is taken care of for the rest of his life.
And since he is still their blood...they will love him that much more than just an adopted family would love their child.

I hope you can understand my point, and realize that this is what is best.
Thank you guys again for your posts, opinions and concerns are always welcome.
Love,
Tia