[Free_to_be_me]

Hi all,

I'm a birthmom in an open adoption. I'm also getting closer to being ready to start t.t.c. and finally, I'm taking a class on attachment, loss, and grief. So, with all that going on, I have a few questions.

Primarily, I am wondering if there are any birthparents who have gone on to have children after the adoption who can talk about any issues that came up when their child (after the placed child) was born. Do you think your bonding and attachment to the parented child was affected by placing the previous child? Did things go the way you expected them to or did some unexpected emotions or issues come up?

Thanks a lot...

[taramayrn]

Thanks for posting this. I am currently pregnant with my second child, first parented though and am quite worried about how we will do after the baby is born.

[paigeturner]

I gave birth to my first daughter 22 months after I placed and I can honestly say that I had no adoption related issues. The experience was so different; I was surround by my family and it was a happy joyful experience. I bonded with my daughter immediatly and honestly didn't think about the adoption much during that time.

Interestingly enough, it was years later when my neice gave birth to her first son, on my birth son's birthday, that I really struggled.

Congratulations Tara! You'll be a wonderful mom!

[browneyes0707]

I'm curious as well, as my husband and I are planning to start a family sooner rather than later, and this topic is always in the back of my head. I feel like some emotion may come and bite me in the behind!

[JustPeachy]

I cannot speak for myself as I did not have other children besides the one I placed. However, I have a good friend who is also a birthmom who went on to have children after she placed her first child. She had no issues at all with attachment/bonding, and no unexpected emotions that came up as a result of being a birthmom with her first child. Her situation is a bit different, as she is not in an open adoption, but things went well for her when she had the children she is parenting. Good luck to you, but I think you'll do just fine, and if unexpected issues come up, you will work through them.

[bromanchik]

I spent a lot of time before I got pregnant preparing for motherhood. I really felt unworthy to be a mother, since I had "given up" my first chance at motherhood. I did about six months of intensive counseling. When I got pregnant I was really ready to be a mom.

[Jensboys]

From my perspective (I was the first parented child after my mom placed my sister for adoption) I think it DID affect her. This was back in the day when adoption was a huge shame, and certainly not something she would talk about or get help or support for. She over compensated for her own perceived failure for losing my sister by being the PERFECT mother to my younger sister and I . She was super protective, super involved, super human in her mothering for the first 12-15 years of our lives. About that time -- when we started to individualate from her, she panicked and replaced us with a very disfunctional - highly needy - partner. And essentially, because we became independent, I think she emotionally responded by viewing it as rejection, or loss again.

Its severely affected our adult relationships with her. HOWEVER, strangely enough, because she WAS such a great mom when we were younger, I really think it resulted in my younger sis and I having the emotional skills to deal with it. If that makes any sense at all ...

From what my mom has told me -- she was VERY protective of us as babies. Didnt want or let anyone else to hold us. Was extremely sensitive to any criticisms of her parenting and as such appeared to be perfect to others. Huge pressure on herself to never lose her patience etc.

[SchmennaLeigh]

For me? Yes.

I have a tendency to be WAY too over-protective. I really have to work to NOT be the mother that is hovering over her child at the playground, hindering his exploration and stuff. I don't want anyone to watch them. I don't want them out of my sight, ever. It's very, very hard for me.

I bonded, just fine. I love them so deeply, so dearly. But placing has totally affected my parenting. I never thought that this is who I would be as a mother. But it's my reality and I struggle to make the best of it.