[soulquest81]

This may sound strange, but I had a son five and a half years ago that I did an open adoption with. It has been very difficult for me since then because his adoptive parents are very protective and will not allow me to have any contact with them at this time. However, there has been a huge hole in my life since then, and now I'm a bit older and more financially secure. Nonetheless, I am still single.

I want to understand what unconditional love is and I want to view adoption as a beautiful thing and not a selfish thing. In another year or so, I am seriously thinking about adopting a child from overseas, perhaps from Guatemala. Have you ever heard of a birthmother who winds up adopting babies and never having anymore of her own? Should I just consider becoming a foster parent instead? Or should I wait until I'm married because that was the primary reason I placed my son in the first place (I was single).

I think that adopting a few babies over the next several years may really help me heal, even if I'm still single. It will help me to understand the unconditional love that my son's adoptive parents must feel for him in a way that having more of my own biological children can never do. Does it sound strange that I want to be a birthmother AND a future adoptive mother?

[kakuehl]

I don't think you would be the only one to be a birth parent and an adoptive parent. Please understand that having other children whether by adoption or "natural" birth may not help you heal. I married less than a year after the adoption of D. My arms were so empty... I just wanted to have another child. What I have discovered is that my two other children did not bring me healing. Sometimes they made me miss D more. Today, I hold D's newborn son and feel the ache of loss!

That said, I don't think there's a problem with being a single mother, as you say you are older and more financially secure. This child would enter a different family! There is a saying that every child is born into a different family. Even if the parents are the same, the second, third or fourth child creates new dynamics - the relationships, the financial situation all change.

Unconditonal love is a great thing to practice - with our children and with our children's aparents (or bparents).

Maybe some others will have more practical answers to your questions!

[SchmennaLeigh]

I think that adopting a few babies over the next several years may really help me heal,

Having children in order to foster healing is not the best reason. It's just like we advise couples not to have a children just to save a marriage.

I encourage you to seek out a therapist that could help you differentiate the need to heal from the want to parent.

[opalwench]

I'm going to agree with what Jenna and Kathy have said. While the birth and placement of my daughter awakened a large desire to have children and raise them in my heart, I've been trying very hard to seperate that desire from what is going on with our adoption experience.

There have been a few times where it seemed that it would all be easier if I just had a baby in my arms, but I really don't believe that is the truth.

I feel that one of the best preparations I can make for my future children is to heal as much as I can.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by soulquest81

I think that adopting a few babies over the next several years may really help me heal, even if I'm still single. It will help me to understand the unconditional love that my son's adoptive parents must feel for him in a way that having more of my own biological children can never do. Does it sound strange that I want to be a birthmother AND a future adoptive mother?

It is not strange, but you cannot look to a chil or children to "heal" you or for the experience to help you understand. First, no child can replace another. Parenting, whether biological or adopted children, does not take away the pain of not parenting the child you placed. For many, it brings new challanges. For many, there comes a deeper understanding of what has been lost with every new phase a child goes through.

Also, everyone experiences things differently. You may find that you have a deep love for the birthmoms of the children you adopt and want contact with them. You might not be able to understand how adoptive parents can cut birthparents out. Adopting needs to be done for the right reasons. Children should not have the burden of healing their parents losses, whether those losses occur through infertility or placing a child. Children require so much of us... as is their right. They deserve parents who are as healed and whole as they can be, before they come into the lives of their parents.

[soulquest81]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. After having thought about it and overcoming another battle of mental anguish, I've realized that it is better for me to wait at least another few years before having more children. Also, I think that being a foster mom may be a better thing for me in the long run than adopting, a little later after I have worked through a few more things. Most of all, I can deeply sympathize with parents who can't care for their kids but just can't go through with permanently giving them up without regular visitation and still being called Mom and Dad. Looking into foster parenting after a few more years could likely be a very healthy thing, any thoughts? Thanks and be blessed.

[lovemine77]

After I placed my son I struggled for a very long time before having another child. I was not in any way financial or emotional able to have another child. I have been married for 7 months, my hubby and I have been together for 10 years, I have a 4 yr. old daughter with him. When I found out I was pregnant with her I went through a lot of emotions. Guilt mostly, I wondered if he would understand, I wondered if he would hate me for having another child, and not keeping him, I wondered if he could ever forgive me. But after having a very long talk with my sister, my father (who regularly see's my son) I knew it would be ok. My daughter (13) absolutly loves my 4 yr. old, I am also raising my step son and have been since he was 2. He calls me Mom, my 13 calls my hubby Dad, we are our own little family, I know some day my son will understand the choice I made and that it was right for him at the time. I can say it didn't help with the healing process, I did grieve the loss all over again, with my family and in private. Just wanted to share my story, maybe some food for thought.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by soulquest81

Looking into foster parenting after a few more years could likely be a very healthy thing, any thoughts? Thanks and be blessed.

Kudos to you for thinking about fostering. Fostering is a tough job, but IMHO, nothing else makes such a HUGE difference in the life of a child.

One thing you should be prepared for, though, is that fostering also carries a huge component of loss. No matter how supportive you are of a child's family, no matter how much you know deep down that the kid is going to go home at some point, you still grieve enormously each and every time a child leaves your home. I think if you weren't attached enough to grieve the loss of the child (and it is a loss, from the perspective of the foster parents), you probably didn't give that kid all you could.

Fostering is a wonderful way to help children heal. It's not a very good way to help yourself heal. Fostering has lots of rewards, but freedom from loss is not among them.