[Mattie]

I gave my little boy up for adoption over 11 years ago now. Part of me died that day, for I never wanted to give him up. I wanted him to have everything, and if he stayed with me, he would of had nothing but my love. However, I knew that if I TRULY loved him, I knew what I had to do. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in life to date.

I cried for years, I still cry. The pain never goes away. But here is what is really bothering me. 6 years ago, I started dating a wonderful man. Got married 2 and a half years later and started trying for a baby immediately. Went to the OBGYN and he stated that I had PCOS, which explained alot going on with my body. So he put me on Metformin and started me on Clomid. For 3 months we did this. Only for the 3rd month, for him to look at me and say... "I'm sorry, your not producing eggs. No, eggs, no babies." Then he said the knife stabbing statement... "Look on the brightside... you at least have one child!" It wasn't his fault, I hadn't told him that I gave the child up for adoption.

At the time I was 315 pounds. He suggested I have gastric bypass surgery to lose the weight and that may help. The only thing I could think of at that time was I GAVE UP MY ONLY CHILD, SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME NOW!! What part of me that didn't die that day I gave Drew up, the rest died that day.

Well to make a long story short.. because this is already long enough... I got therapy help, I went and had the gastric bypass surgery, and it's been over a year and a half since surgery. I'm down to 200 pounds now.

Today I go to the Fertility Group, today I sat down and talk to the doctor. Today, I'll start the process to truly find out if I "have" given up my only child. I am sooo scared, I set here crying now, fearful of what I may hear. I don't have much life in me left to hear it, if it is bad.

I know people have told me... well you can adopt... but I can't. I've been put through so much. It's one thing to not be able to have your own and adopt. But to have your own, to hold him, knowing that you created him, only to watch a nurse walk off with him. You live with the hope that one day you will have another, only to find out you won't/can't.

Like I said.. I could really use some words of wisdom, if anybody has any out there. I would really appreciate them.

[dmca]

I have no words of wisdom for you. LIke you I am a Natal Mother that relinquished her child.
The pain is incredible, I know , I've experienced it too. There will be days where you don't feel it, I promise you that. and eventually, you will see your child again. My daughter and I reunited after 38 years. Yeah, it was a long time, but that was part of the choices made by her and I. Some reunite when the child is 18, so you really have to hang in there for only seven more years. right?
Quit beating yourself up, you did what you thought was right and most likely was. MOST adoptees are happy, loved and well cared for,although we as Natal Mothers worry about that forever.
Now as to having more children? New things come up daily about fertility and how to have more babies. Don't give up. Even if you can't give birth to another, there are other methods available.
And there is NOTHING wrong with Adoption of another child. We both know that the infant will not take the place of the baby you relinquished but that infant will be your heart, just like your first child. So many children all over the world that would give their baby bottles for parents, or even one parent.
Talk to other women in here with fertility issues. By the way, some have relinquished , have fertility issues too. So you are not alone.
You have a peer group here to sound off to, to tell your pain to and get some encouragement from.
so, in a nutshell HANG IN THERE. Things are not hopeless. I feel your pain and share your grief.
dmca

[StacyKelly2]

My heart goes out to you. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel. I wish I could find the right words to make you feel at peace or better. I saw first hand the courage and love it takes to place a child up for adoption. The birth mom of our son was our true angel she answered our long awaited prayers. Please try so hard not to blame yourself...you did what you thought was best for your angel at the time. Pray for strength and I hope God will bless you soon with an angel...the same way you have blessed a couple! You are in my prayers....