[Happy2Bhere]

Hello!
To make a long story short- we adopted our precious daughter almost 3 years ago. Her birthmom is wonderful!
We have two issues- I thought maybe other birthmoms might be able to help us with some insight.
1) We are adopting again, this time from China. Our daughters birthmom wants her to have siblings, but never really says much when I talk about the next adoption. (Our daughter will be 4 & the new sister 2 at time of placement) Is this a sensitive subject?
2) Our daughters birthmom is pregnant, about to give birth. She's married, happy, and deserves to be able to have a pregnancy with a supportive husband, and be able to be happy about being pregnant. This child is a boy. The only things she has said were "I think inside I am glad this isn't another girl, so I won't be sad or comparing the two" and "I am 100% going to keep this baby, this is forever, and it's scaring the crap out of me"
When you've placed a child for adoption, and give birth, are there extra emotions? Anything I can do to help her out? We consider each other good friends. (She is 21, I am 37) We email several times a day, talk on the phone quite often, and see each other whenever possible. She said she wants me to bring our daughter to visit her in the hospital when Isaiah is born, but I worry that other visitors might give her a hard time, or that it might overshadow the wonderful, exciting birth of her son, but I want to respect her wishes.
Ok- I've rambled on here- and I don't know if this is exactly the right place to post this. I spend all my time in the China adoption room, so I don't have much experience outside of that forum.
Thanks in advance, and best wishes to everyone on this forum!
Melissa

[michellesnook]

Melissa,

My son's birthmom just had a baby in Jan, and I understand what you are saying. The last time I spoke to her, I apologized for not taking my son to get "professional" pics done lately (we still send her regular pics) and she said "It's ok I'm a mommy now, I understand" Several times during the conversation she said basically that...I wondered too if she was having extra emotion about the situation at this time.

Also, when I mentioned we were adopting again her response was "It's about time, H needs a sibling!" LOL, so I guess I don't have to worry about that subject!

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know that I understand!

Michelle

[SchmennaLeigh]

When you've placed a child for adoption, and give birth, are there extra emotions?

All I can say is OMGYES.

The extra emotions can be overwhelming. The only thing you can do for her is to let her know that you are available to talk if necessary.

Best of luck in your next adoption and congrats to your daughter's firstmom.

[hippichik413]

Melissa,
I placed my son for adoption at birth in a closed adoption. I had my next son 7 years later and it brought back all the feelings of giving up my son. It made me really see what I missed out on. Being pregnant and giving birth has your emotions all haywire as it is. Add on top of that.. there's a child out there that you want but cant have. It's almost too much to handle. Just give your daughters bmom alot of support and understanding, I know that is what I wished I would of had.

[Birth4Mom3]

Well, as far as the 2nd baby for you goes, I was delighted that the adoptive parents we chose already had a child, so my little one would have a big sister.

My first post-adoption baby was born 2.5 years after my adopted baby. The keeping part didn't scare me as I had a child who was 4.5 already when my little one was adopted...

The baby born after the adoption WAS a girl - like my adopted baby though - and I had a terrible time bonding with her both during and after the pregnancy. We still have issues today and she is 9 - but I think some of that could be the typical mother-daughter headbutting.

I just had another baby - a boy - who is 8 mos now, and I still catch myself staring at him in wonder and thinking of all I missed with my little girl who was adopted.

There is definitely difficulty there - every 'first' reminds me of what I missed. There's joy in it all, don't get me wrong - but underneath that is a sort of grief that I don't even know how to describe.

[banjo]

Hi Having my second child was a mind blowing revellation of what I had lost and would never regain with my bchild. It's so weird to be someone's mother - having given birth to them etc and then you're not and never will be their mother in the normal sense of the word. It's unnatural and took me years to come to terms with it all.

AS an aparent I would acknowledge your child's biosibs as well as their adopted sibs. Because she's always going to have these sibs whether she choses to have anything to do with them or not. It's just a fact that she has bsibs and adopted sibs. My bdaughter is struggling with this at the moment and wants nothing to do with my kept children. This makes me and them sad esp as both her and her bsibs are innocent parties to my decision to adopt her at birth.

[Happy2Bhere]

Thanks ladies for your honest & sincere replies.
I was hoping I wasn't stepping over any boundries by posting that here.
Want to know something funny? Here we're talking about birthmoms, and what they are going through, and part of me CHOSE to do an international adoption, because I love the relationship I have with our daughters birthmom, and felt I couldn't duplicate it, and wanted that to be special- if that makes any sense.
Our daughter knows her birthmom very well- they talk on the phone all the time- we joke that she's the "Cool mom" cause she gets all the fun with Annabelle, and I am the disciplinary- has her 24/7.
I think she is in a good place with the adoption- she has always said she is, but I just want to be sure with the new birth, and not cross any bounds, or do anything or not do anything. We've already had fun baby shopping, and having fun together & we talk about her baby all the time- I just noticed that she seemed relieved it was going to be a boy, and the fact that she says NOTHING, totally silent when I talk about adopting again- which in the beginning she said she definetly wanted siblings for her-
Thanks again, I admire you ladies so much- I had to have a hysterectomy at age 26, which was so devestating, and I could not be a mom without the courageous step our daughters birthmom took.
Best wishes to all-
Melissa