[SchmennaLeigh]

For those who have had a child post-placement, please please give me some input into what holding my son is going to feel like. Because I'm on all sorts of freak-out levels right now.

The nursery is almost finished. (If the blasted changing table would just get here.) And it feels WEIRD to sit in the nursery, rock in the chair and think, "In less than two months, there will be a child here with me. Not only will there be a child; he will be mine."

I'm having trouble grasping the fact that he will be coming home from the hospital with me/us. Don't read into that as I'm not excited: I am ecstatic. I can't wait until he can kick me from the outside. But there are moments/days when it feels kind of surreal. A very "been-here-done-this" type of feeling, as though a part of my brain just simply expects that I will go to the hospital, give birth and come home alone again.

I know these feelings aren't completely off the wall because I've heard some of you speak of them before... and I guess I'm just looking for support.

[crayons]

I'm so excited for you, putting a nursery together is so much fun, bringing your baby home is WONDERFUL! And feels like a dream, a great dream that you don't want anyone to wake you up from. Even more so, when you didn't get to raise your first, I remember when my son was born, (a few years after my first baby being adopted), I cried and my heart was pounding so hard, I kept thinking someone was going to come in and take him out of my arms.... I didn't want to take my eyes off of him, on the way home, I held on tight. I wish you so much happiness with your baby on the way and look forward to seeing some photos hint hint :0) You are a very sweet person and the MOM thing, will fall into place, already sounds like a LOT OF LOVE is just waiting for you new baby! Lots of Happiness-your way!

[coco46]

Jenna,

First, it's great to see you.

I guess you and I are in the same boat here, so I really can't offer anything concrete, but...I think I know what you mean.

It's sometimes hard for me, too, imagining the coming home part. I feel the little kicks, I see the little pictures. I talk to the tiny baby currently trying to punch me into semi-consciousness from the inside. But when actually he gets here, you're so right, how will I feel? After quite a bit of thought, I concluded that what it may feel like is a weird, wonderful combination of "What do I do NOW?" (shock, panic, nervousness) and "At LAST." (he's home! he's staying! finally, finally, this is real!)

Maybe some tears, too. Tears of joy, of course, and perhaps a few of sadness, because what I have with him, I never had, and can never have, with K. I waited so long for this moment, and I had almost given up hope that it would ever be here. Yes, a tiny voice inside my head told me that I did not deserve this. Mostly I can ignore it. Sometimes it still makes itself heard. Yet I stand poised on the brink of it, the brink of this crazy leap of faith into parenthood. Part of me is still really scared, but most of me is filled with awe and love and anticipation. Half the time I want to shout for joy, and half the time I am frantic, wondering how I will ever be able to measure up to the challenge.

I don't know if this helps at all, or if it even makes any sense, but I'm always here if you need to talk.

[lisaann57]

I have been where you are, I had 2 children post placement, and it is a very surreal feeling for sure. It took me a long time during my pregnancy to really feel like that this baby was actually going to come home with me and be in my arms. It is probably a little different for me though, I had 2 closed adoptions and with yours being open, Im sure your feelings are a little different than mine. I felt after the birth, an almost desperate feeling to leave the hospital as quickly as possible, with a totally irrational fear, that I was going to wake up and realize that here we go again, Im going home empty handed again, and knowing that I couldnt stand it. But once they bundled her up and put tme in the wheelchair to go to the car, I finally found my tears of joy, and could relax and enjoy her, my little miracle I had waited so long for. So enjoy every moment. You are blessed. Congats again on your precious baby boy.
Blessings
Lisa

[MMC66]

First of all CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Your post just made me think about my first baby. It was a relatively easy delivery, I was happily married, my life was in order, I was a nurse and had tons of experience with little babies.

AND STILL

I couldn't believe I was going to be a mommy, it was very surreal. When it came time for discharge, I just couldn't believe that they would just hand me this baby and let me take her home. How did they know I was a good parent?? I have never done this before. It was just plain weird. So having placed or not, your feelings sound a lot like new mom feelings to me

Oh and since I'm here I'll give the same advice I give all new mom's to be. And you can't stop me!!!

Go out and buy ourself something new to wear for after the baby comes home. Not something fancy to go to a party in but still something you can feel pretty in. Try it on while your pregnant - you should be able to pull the bants up over your thighs but not (obviously) over your belly) with a stretchy waist and a top that goes over your lovely "maternal" boobs with a little room to spare. It's really nice to have something nice to wear that's new. Your old stuff won't fit for a while (or in my case....EVER ) and it's a little depressing parading around in sweats and maternity clothes that youre certainly tired of by now.

Hang in there!! You're on the home stretch!!!!!!!!

Martha

[Kitti]

Hi Jenna! It can be very emotional having a baby post-placement. It is also the most wonderful feeling in the world when your child is placed in your arms and you are beginning the journey together as mother and child. I have had 3 children since the closed adoption placement of my daughter in 1983. I had a little of the irrational fear that lisaann57 had and wanted to get home as quickly as possible with my babies before someone could take them from me. I knew it was not a real worry but it took a long time and some counseling before I was really confident that these children were mine forever. I had a little bit of guilt with the birth of my 1st daughter post placement because it felt strange to think of raising a little girl after placing my oldest girl. I am sure its different in an open adoption like yours but I was never sure what happened to my oldest daughter and I hoped her aparents were giving her the same enormous love I felt for her and her for her siblings.
I know you will be an awesome mother and you will find amazing joy in your new son. I bet that the first time you hold your son you will feel like for the first time in life everything makes sense.
Kitti

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by lisaann57

But once they bundled her up and put tme in the wheelchair to go to the car, I finally found my tears of joy, and could relax and enjoy her, my little miracle I had waited so long for.

I just got all weepy. (Which isn't uncommon for me at this point. Hormones!) Like you and Kitti both said, I also have that irrational fear that someone is going to take him away from me in the hospital. In fact, when I watch shows on Discovery Health, I get panicky when they take the baby away from the Mother to do the normal tests and what not. I'm calmed to know that others have felt this way. I have a feeling I'll be crying as they wheel me out... just like last time... but for different reasons. Or maybe the same? Hmm.

Coco, thanks for writing that reply. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings at the current time.

Originally Posted by coco46

Half the time I want to shout for joy, and half the time I am frantic, wondering how I will ever be able to measure up to the challenge.

I couldn't have said it better myself. I get so nervous sometimes. But on other days, I just want him to be here! (Healthy!) It's a weird mix of emotion, really.

And Crayons, thanks for the reassurance that the MOM thing just falls into place. It's a good thing. Because I feel clueless at times.

And MMC66... why is the home stretch SOOOOO LONG. lol

[spaypets]

Hey Jenna,

I was JUST thinking about you and wondering how you were! No advice, just can't wait for little Nicholas to be born! (Sounds like you'll have a lot to be thankful for on Thanksgiving Day!).

[kiwi]

Jenna, I can't relate to the specific point of your post, but there is at least one thing we have in common: Awesome Husbands! Tell yours now that the whole part of the baby being away from your side for those few moments for the normal testing makes you nervous/panicy and I'm sure he'd be happy to "glue" himself onto the baby for those minutes so you know that at least Daddy has a close eye on him.

It's SO good to see you!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Oh, he all ready knows that I want him to stay with Nicholas at all times. I will also be discussing with my nursing staff my "unique" situation and how I'd like him to be with me at all times possible, etc.

I'm around. I'm just very quiet as of late. Which is weird, no?

[carolynppk]

Jenna, I don't know what your plans are for your son, but I even insisted on going down to have all my sons circumsized. At first they were like you can't go, but when I explained all that I have done medically with how sick my husband was and I wasn't the squimish type, they allowed me. My kids were with me all the time. Although I am not a birth mother, as an adoptee, I have always had a very irrational fear of losing my children, whether it be death, a stranger, courts, whatever. So when I had them they were with me at all times. I think it very wise, like having a birth plan, for the staff to know of your situation so they can be sensitive to your needs. Good luck!!!
Carolyn

[Volfe]

I remember consciously thinking about how wierd it was. My daughter (Caitlin - born after my son) would be mine and I so appreciated it more that time around. I treasured being the one to hold her most, and really had goosebumps that we were packing her stuff for US, to go to OUR home. Every difference was felt in a big way.

Maia

[cathy102]

Just, hugs to you!!!!!! I think about you all the time...
You will be the greatest mommy to your baby! Prayers going your way!!!!

[FauxClaud]

I think your freak out is perfecty normal...of course that is assuming that I am perfectly normal and that is a big strp to take..lol, but yeah, I can totally relate.

Garin was born less than 4 years after Max. I knew before his conception that "the next one would be mine". I remember clearly warning his father..that if perchance a child was concieved..he could do what he wanted, but I was having that baby. It did come to pass exactly as I forwarned.

I don't know if I was able to let the previous birth of Max impeed on my current feelings..I had an awful time with my, by then, husband. He was a bit too concerned that it was not a shared first experience for us both, that I had been there before. So, looking back, I can see how I spent so much time convincing him how glorious and and great it was going to be. He felt that the revious birth took away from the experience, but to me it made it all the more special.
I do remember just sitting and thinking " mine, mine, mine"
Becoming pregnant with my daughter was more feaky for me as she was the only child that I purposefully concieved. THAT felt terribly alien..actually deciding to get pregnant as I had spent oh so many years making sure I did not again. I did rejoice again in carrying her, but that was my surreal time. I felt tht I had no right to make that decision.
And the last one, my other blued eyed boy..knowing he was the last, but being more in connection with how adoption continued to effect me...With him, I was able to allow myself to remember much of his oldest brother, that pregnancy, and feel what what lost. Maybe because he was a pleasant "surprise", not that we were really trying either way..to have or not have..but again, due to timing and circumstance, I felt we had no right having another baby. It brought back alot for me.
I think that it is normal to have all kinds of conflicting emotions. And another birth can bring up many of the emotions that were present during the first, whether realized or unrealized.
It's weird to see how people do process it differently. I now it has been documented and discussed that so many moms are almost over protective of later children, but for me it has always been the opposite.
I have always been able to remove myself emotionally..not necessarily in a bad way, but probably beyond a normal way. Never had trouble letting my kids go to school, go to sleep overs, have the oldest kept weekends by his dad and his family, send the little ones, even as babies to grandmas..even my oldesty huge surgery...I could separate and break into a denial zone..not really feel.
I think our brains, our bodies, do recall the separation and pain and do go into a weird protective mode.
Plus, I think that it is normal for any almost mom to feel freaky about the impending ball of love coming in the near future.
Rejoice when you can, enjoy, embrace..freak out when you must..just keep feeling what ever comes your way...and "mine, mine, mine" can really, really feel good.
Wishing you a wonderful birth and a joyful start at this new chapter in your life.

[jessmc420]

I agree with what I have read, especially the feeling of surreal. I forgot who said it, but the feeling of wanting to get out of the hospital as soon as possible with my son because of some unexplainable fear. I wanted him close to me at all times. I just had this feeling that I never wanted to miss one moment. Because when I was in the hospital with my daughter I only had a couple of days with her, and I didn't sleep because I wanted to spend that time and burn it in my head. I wanted to remember everything, the smells, the noises she made, the gas smiles she gave, the sensation of finally holding her, and I knew I only had a short time. I felt the same urgency with my son, infact it took awhile for me to "realize" he wasn't going anywhere, he was home with me. Hope that makes sense.