[SchmennaLeigh]

I need some good words, folks. I'm have a down-day. I think I could blame it on clouds and rain. Who knows.

I'm feeling guilt. Every time something awesome happens (like hearing Butterball's heartbeat for the first time on my birthday - http://www.thejhatfields.org/sounds/4.25(loud).wav ), I'm left feeling guilty about being happy. It's not that little things from Munchkin's pregnancy didn't make me happy... but everything was so different. Upon hearing Butterball's heartbeat, I was immediately transported back to that awful doctor's exam room where I got to hear Munchkin for the first time. I remember what I was WEARING. I remember how the happiness was short-lived as I told my friend-slash-coach on the way home that I was seriously considering adoption.

Memories are flooding. I don't know what to do with them.

So, someone, tell me what to do other than eat leftover birthday cake. I don't even LIKE cake.

[mroot]

Jenna - I have followed your story and cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. All I can say is you deserve guilt-free happiness and joy over this pregnancy! You already are an awesome mom and have already shown that you are capable of unconditional love for Munchkin and now for Butterball.

The only remote way I can identify is kind of in reverse - I experienced three miscarriages before the adoption of our perfect son. The first pregnancy we were so excited! But after losing that baby I found it so hard to get excited about the next two because I was so guarding my heart and I felt guilty for not letting myself be excited about them. When those two pregnancies also ended in heartache, I felt guilty thinking that somehow my guardedness caused the miscarriages. It was a nightmare that took a long time to wake from.

Please don't allow yourself to feel guilty for being happy. You so deserve it! And Munchkin will know, if not now, then someday, how much you love her and how happy her birth made you! My son's birthmom wrote that he was "her greatest accomplishment" and it's important to me that he read that someday! If you journal, maybe you could journal some of your feelings.

I know this probably sounds like meaningless blather, but I want you to know that I am wishing you the absolute best!

[spaypets]

Aww Jenna, you did for Munchkin what you thought was the absolute best thing for her. The fact that you remember all the details of hearing her first heartbeat is testimony to how much you loved and valued her.

You gave her parents--and it sounds like really good ones. Your circumstances are so different now -- your choice had nothing to do with how much you loved Munchkin but everything to do with the circumstances in your life.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Savor these wonderful times with Butterball.

[Montraviatommyg]

Jenna,

Thinking of you, I can imagine it's a difficult time but the important thing is that you did the best for Munchkin and you've got a lovely future to look forward to .

Anyway if you don't like cake pig out on something you do like .

Philippa

[michellemartin]

Jenna, I'm following your story, too. You've got a big bunch of stalkers here. One reason I'm stalking your pregnancy is because I, although not unhappy about my last pregnancy, didnt fully enjoy it either. I'm following your pregnancy with the joy that I didnt have for my own. I guess I sort of did it in reverse also. I was very guarded emotionally about my last pregnancy, and I was sooo young for my first, that I cant say I've ever had a pregnancy that I've been able to enjoy. Likely, I never will.

Maybe write down on a notecard a few joy filled moments in your pregnancy with Munchkin. Even if it was short lived (like in your example above) it was still joy. Carry those joyous moments on a notecard and when you're feeling guilty about feeling joy for this pregnancy, pull out your notecard and remind yourself that joy was there in your last pregnancy and that you're entitled to feel joy in this one too. Or get a few colored notecards, decorate them with flowers and hearts, then write down a few joyous moments from your pregnancy with Munchkin so you can cherish each of them individually. Maybe even put a "matching" joy card in from your pregnancy with Butterball... just suggestions, I've never tried it so I cant say if it would work or not, but if you try it, let me know if it helps at all.

(((((hugs)))))

[SchmennaLeigh]

Michelle,

I love the 'joy notecard' idea. It made me weepy. Hormones.

It makes me sad to know that you've never had a totally joyful pregnancy either. *hugs* I'm hoping I get to the point of full joy so that you can continue to experience this joyfully with me.

I'm getting there. It's just taking me some time, I think.

[michellemartin]

I'll keep hoping it's full of joy and less sorrow for you. Pregnancy is emotionally draining!

[79nic]

((((Jenna)))),

I'm coming out of forum retirement every once in a while just to keep up a bit with your story.

Having Elise is what really brought out a lot of feelings about Marie and the adoption that I didn't know I had. (Actually it was Elise going through separation anxiety, not actually giving birth.) So.... I think I understand, at least a little.

Please let yourself feel whatever you're feeling. Be honest about it and don't stuff it. That doesn't mean you have to FOCUS on the negative feelings all the time, but don't bury them.... work through them.

Not sure if this is making any sense... pm me if not, and if you wanna talk about it any more, at any time. (((Hugs))).

Nicole

[jessmc420]

I am pregnant with our second child, my 3rd. I have such issues, and I related so much to what you posted. It's really funny how your mind functions when you place a child and have more. I want to be done having kids after this one, but I can't help but feel like I need "more". I have all these mixed emotions and it's hard for other people to understand when it has to be something someone went through to truly grasp the feelings. Somehow we all make it through.