[BrandyHagz]

Nine years ago, I placed my daughter for adoption.

Last night, my families true colors shown.

I had been reluctant to say anything to them about our decision to adopt and our infertility issues because of their lack of support…last night I let my guard down with my dad, and boy do I regret it!

He called on Easter to wish us a happy Easter (even tho we don't celebrate) and talk to Jerrett. After talking to Jerrett he asked me if I would allow them to use their Airline Miles to fly Jerrett down to Texas for a week for a visit. Naturally I had reservations about that, and explained to him that John and I would need to talk about it.

We decided that provided that he understood he had to follow some strict instructions, we’d allow it, so I called him to tell him.

I went over everything with him and he agreed, and then said, “Maybe you and John could go on vacation or something just the two of you.” I knew his heart was in the right place, he’s really tried hard since Thanksgiving to put a little more effort into our relationship…so I let my guard down and explained to him that we’d elected to forego any vacations or extra’s in order to have the money for either infertility treatments/childbirth or adoption. That’s when the poop hit the fan!

He said, “Childbirth? Adoption? Why are you doing that? You already gave one kid away, why do you think anyone is going to let you have another?”

Arf!

Now, I’ve really tried to keep in perspective that although my dad is an adoptive dad, he is very uneducated on the feelings of adoptees and birthmothers…not only that, he is about as disconnected from the whole adoption scene as I have ever seen a triad member…

I said to him, “Do you really think that someone who places a child for adoption should not be allowed to have more kids at a later time?”

He said, “Well, no, I don’t”

Floored, I said, “You know, there are many birthmothers who place because they are very young (not me, but he knew that) and they place because they are young…so you think that once these birthmothers get older and marry, they shouldn’t be allowed the opportunity to become a parent?”

He said, “Ya, that’s right, there is something wrong with a system that allows anyone who places a child for adoption the ability to get pregnant again!”

Still floored, I said, “What about adoption, I guess you are against that as well?”

He said, “No, I guess if someone wants to give their kid to someone who already tossed one aside, then that’d be ok.”

At this point, I’m trying VERY hard not to hang up…I know that his opinions are based on ignorance…but it doesn’t make it any less painful.

He did go on to say that he thought Jerrett would be served best as an only child and that I should be happy with the one I have. I explained that we were happy with Jerrett and love him to pieces…but that we would like more children. He refused to listen…

Now, going into this, I had ZERO preconceived notions about how my “family” would react to all of this. I had, in passing, mentioned adoption to other family members (my mother, namely) and she explained that I should be really weary of bringing “someone else’s kid” into my home, because they destroy lives…(she told his to her adopted daughter…) What I didn’t expect was the seething hurtful words said by an adoptive father to his adopted daughter who also happens to be a birthmother. I mean, I guess I kinda always knew they viewed adoption as second best (obviously) but I never knew they had such vile opinions about it…

I guess at this point, my father feels I should not be able to conceive a child, which has been the case already anyway, and that I should have been sterilized after placing M nine years ago (Yes, he said that, I’m not freakin kidding)…although if “some woman” wants to “give her baby to someone who already gave one of her babies away” that’d be ok…

How do I talk to him…I didn't get mad last night…I was to dumbfounded to get mad…but I do think there is hope…how can I make him understand that his words hurt me.

Almost two years ago, there was a big family feud over some words that were said about me to my son…my dad, while agreeing with me over the phone and explaining that he understand, would turn around and contradict himself to others…it was hurtful, so I sent him a very long letter explaining that it hurt…and we didn’t talk for 18 months afterwards, because I guess I cant have a voice.

I’m not ready to “wash my hands” of the relationship…but given the dynamics of it all, I worry that voicing my discontent will result in the loss of an already strained relationship.

Any advice? I’d love to hear it!

[spaypets]

((Brandy)), your afather, frankly, is an idiot. I wouldn't waste my time trying to explain to him or get him to change his mind or anything. You really drew the short end of the stick when you got relatives, didn't you? Why the system ever allowed those two people to have a child is astounding. I am amazed that you have turned out to be such a warm and giving person despite the appalling number of horrid adults in your life as a child.

So does he think your husband shouldn't be allowed to have other children because he married you?

Look, if you really feel motivated to do something, get him a book. He won't read it, but you won't feel as if you didn't do anything to change his mind.

I'm so sorry.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Wow. Just wow. I actually have no response.

My advice? What Spay said. UGH!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Brandy,

I've been quiet on my dealings with this in the same fashion. Though nothing quite as harsh has been said to me, a few people have said some insensitive things. I've tried to shrug them off.

As for what to say to your Father, I am not quite certain. I do not know your Father, but from this post (alone), he sounds rather unreasonable, not logical and definitely insensitive. Again, that's what I glean from this post, standing alone, with no other knowledge.

However, as you also have said it has basis in his lack of education on the matter, I feel that there are ways to discuss this in a manner of which he may be able to learn.

I would start by giving him different scenarios: you all ready used the young one. Use the woman who placed her child to get out of an abusive relationship (along with the child) as her only course of action. Use the woman who was raped and placed because she felt her heart wouldn't be able to raise a child conceived of rape. I'm sure you can think of others. Remind him that your child wasn't taken from you: you were never proven to be an unfit mother. (So often, those who lack education on the topic of adoption tend to believe that birthparents are all unfit. Certainly not true.)

I'm certainly sorry that your Father is acting like this and that you have been shown before that you can't have a voice. I wish you would be able to say to him, "I am a Mother. I am an adult. I will be making my own decisions, with or without your support. Of course, your support results in your interaction with ANY of your grandchildren." But that's just me being a haughty hothead.

Do you think he will respond to the scenarios?

[BrandyHagz]

Jenna,

Something I forgot to mention in all of this, but posted on the other thread (I cross posted) is that my adoptive mother is also a birthmother, she placed girl/boy twins in 1959...I wonder why he didn't feel that she should be able to have kids after they married...its just so odd.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Brandy,

Can you bring it up to him? Your Mother? Be prepared for either silence on that one or anger. When I brought up to my own Mother (with my previous pregnancy) that she was younger than me when she got pregnant (as she was initially very angry), she was quiet for a few minutes before she got really, really loud.

Would bringing that up help? Not in condescending manner. Simply put.

"Dad, can you please explain why it was okay for Mother to place a child and then go on to have kids in your marriage but it's not okay for me to do the same? I'm just confused."

I don't know if he'll have a response. Or, my bet is, he'll say something about times changing/openness changing it/etc.

Guh.

[bromanchik]

Brandy, as you know I work with birthmothers all over the country. I have met hundreds of birthmoms, listened to their stories.... but I am speechless. I can hardly believe what your father said to you. I am not easily flummoxed, but I am flummoxed.

I am so sorry you have to deal with such prejudice in your own family......

[crick]

Still speechless....

I'm sorry your dad isn't more supportive and well...just an ignorant man. I'd call him something else but that wouldn't be very supportive of you either...

I'm really curious to know why it was okay for him to adopt and put you through everything he did but not okay for you adopt and actually parent? Seems to me one should not judge when one's own life decisions were so poorly made....

HUGS!!!

[BrandyHagz]

Crick,

I’ve given it a lot of thought today…here is my thinking…

He feels incredibly guilty for the decisions he made as my parent…he is worried that if we adopt (not sure about the pregnancy thing) that I will repeat those mistakes…maybe his harshness was to spare me the guilt of doing what he did. I honestly don’t have a freakin clue, right now, that’s the only thing that’s making sense.

The comment about having a baby wasn’t an unexpected one…honestly, you’d be shocked about some of the uneducated opinions out there about birthmothers giving birth and parenting later…When I speak locally, that’s usually one of the biggest topics…coupled with the “second pregnancy and entitlement” phenomena.

Like I said in my first post, I totally didn't expect them to be supportive…I mean, why start now but I certainly didn't expect the reaction I got.

One word comes to mind in all of this: Hypocrite

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Would it be out of line to invite him to dinner and then put ex-lax in his food??? ROFL.

May not get him to wise up... but may make you smile... (Of course that would be as long as he waited to leave your house when it hit -- wouldnt want to stink up your own bathroom.....)

[BrandyHagz]

ROFL Christine...They come within 3 hours of my house three times a year and have never been here...I doubt an invitation to come eat Take-out Chinese will entice him

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well it was worth a shot....

[crick]

ah well, that's easy...just send him some chocolates with the ex lax inside....

Seriously though I was thinking about what you said in regards to his guilt. You might have something there...if he's still feeling guilty and a lot of regret, he might not necessarily be thinking about you & a "possible 2nd mistake" but more along the lines of "am I ever going to get away from this?" kwim? Like when he sees what a great mom you are and accept the child as your own, he'll be constantly reminded just how much he messed up... Not saying it's rational or fair to put on you...just wondering if that might be something he's feeling.

[coco46]

Brandy,

I've been musing over your posts all day, trying to think of what to say. All I can come up with is I'm so sorry that he is such a putz. Ignorance is really no excuse in this case, IMO.

I know what you mean about not expecting more out of him, but I can't imagine ever speaking to a family member again if they'd said those things to me. You're a bigger person than me! but again, I've been pretty lucky. Even my mom (who heretofore had held the crown for "least tactful, most likely to say the wrong thing", til your dad snatched it away from her) has been very, very careful with me.

UGH. For the record, though I know you already know this, he's dead wrong. And crick had a great idea about the chocolates with laxatives. It'll give him a chance to clear out his head. (Wait, was that mean? )

[sugarbabysmommy]

Brandy, oh dear, I am sorry. I second everyone else, on all points including the ExLax. While reading, another thought occured to me, your own birthmother and his feeings toward her and the relationship you two have. Is he really talking about her in these blanket statements? I would have a hard time not wanting to cut off all contact if my father said this to me. As far as books go, can you make his reading it and discussing it a conditon of his continuing a relationship with you and your son?