[BrandyHagz]

Thanks everyone for the great responses so far…Sugar, there is no relationship with my birthmom…there really never has been…its been more of a I know who you are, I’ve been to your house and you email me a few times a year type thing…besides, (I think it was this thread that I mentioned my dads unfaithfulness in) my dad was MUCH closer to my birthmom for a time than I was…at one point, there was even a question of whether he was my biodad or not…and from what I’ve been able to piece together…that was an on again off again relationship for them…continuing for many years.

My closeness was with my maternal grandparents…and because my birthmom lived with them, I knew her too.

I keep coming back to the guilt thing…it’s the only thing that’s made sense.

[LisaCA]

wow, what can I say? your dad reminds me of my mom. Really you have to ask yourself if it's worth the effort, esp. since he'll just get mad (that's what my mom does). so we just tell her she's totally wrong and stop there. my sympathies. families are always the first place we run to for support, but they can also be the folks that hurt us the most.

I vote for the exlax in brownie form.

[Ragnarok]

I am sorry Brandy. I have no advice other than maybe confront him about it face to face. There is more likelihood of something actually getting hashed out that way as opposed to via a letter or phone call.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Brandy, I knew there wasn't much of a relationship with your birthmother, but didn't realize how little. I missed the part about the relationship she and your father had. So guilt yes, but also think about your mother and what their marriage has been like, might he also be expressing his undercurrent of feelings about his wife, and her state of motherhood? I may be way off base, like I was before, but I wanted to throw it out there.

Guilt plays on us in strange ways. Guilt coupled with fear makes us do and say strange things. My mom flipped when we told her we were going to adopt. I sat there crying as I told her knowing she wouldn't be on our side. Why should we have to plead our case to our family, why can't they trust us?

His response about bringing someone else's child into your family causing trouble says a lot about his parenting of you and other things you have shared about your youth. Sadly, this is all about him, and it will make him even harder to talk to. Take care, I wish I had some recipe to make this all better.

[melodylubart]

I just wanted to tell you that your dad and my mom had to have been related.

I never could understand some of the things that came out of my mom's mouth.

She actually asked my husband "how on earth could you marry Melody, she's a fat pig".

And yes, I was overweight at the time. I also had realized that my mom was a drinker.

But my dad was the light of my life and never had anything but kindness in his voice when he talked to me. I learned much from my dad. My parents died 12 years ago. I do miss my dad very very much.

Your father is tactless, plain and simple. Has nothing to do with education, ability, or ignorance. Has everything to do with "what's on his mind, is on his lips" Believe me, he will never change.

All you can do is change how you react to him.

I once (many years ago had a friend named Bernice). She was about 45 at the time and I was 22 and we would go to work on the bus together every day. I learned much from her. She once told me "I do not speak to my parents" Of course, I was shocked and said "oh my god, how can you not speak to your parents". She told me the following "when someone in your life is toxic, you do not have to have anything to do with them. There is no law that says "oh, I must speak to these people". If someone continuously hurts you, is spiteful and continues to be so even after you tell them and explain that their words hurt you to your very soul, then you should not have these people in your life, (it doesn't matter if they are your parents). She explained all this to me.

I never quite understood her rationalization of this until I grew up and had one on one with my own mom. I was not adopted or anything. My mother was my birth parent. She should have never had children.

I distanced myself from her for many years. Her bullying and sarcasm made me ill, believe me.

Only when she got older (near 80) did I go to Florida to visit her. She mellowed quite considerably and because I lost my weight, she was much kinder to me.

I have had to distance myself from my own son. He's 25 years old, and is a compulsive gambler who has Aspergers Disorder ( a very very mild form of autism).

I do what I have to do to keep my sanity. You have to survive and to do this you should surround yourself with people who are not toxic to your spirit.

Believe me, I know what I am doing. I have a very good relationship with my husband and I have friends.

This means a great deal to me.

I wish you well, believe me. Don't let anyone put you down or make you feel guilty. You did nothing wrong!!
Melody