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Originally Posted By Anne

I hope that someone can give me adivce or insight. My birthmom found me, but I am the one who always calls, writes, visits, etc. Lately I have had some huge problems in my life (not related to her) and I've stopped initiating contact because of dealing with the problems. I tried to explain to her that I still care about her, but she said she feels pushed away. When I tried to suggest that she look for support from other people besides me, she attacked me and said some awful things.How could a mother attack her own child? I am so sad because I really liked getting to know her, but I just have to solve these other problems in my life too.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Issues Forum

Hi Anne,
You don't say how long you've been in reunion .. it does make a difference.
This is a time of tension and insecurity for birthmoms as well as Adoptees, and your's is being led by her emotions right now. When you go a long stretch not making contact, our imaginations take over and we feel the approach of the dreaded, but expected, REJECTION. I guess some of us tend to take it out on you, the adoptee. Don't suggest she get counseling, send her a good book on Reunions and Recovery. There are quite a few of them available through the Adoption Reunion websites.

Check out the Top Ten Steps to a Successful Reunion: http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html and heed the advice in it and the following article.

Sort out your problems, but give her a call once in a while and tell her you're thinking of her.

These things happen in Reunions ... especially during the early phase while we are both feeling insecure and want MORE than we can realistically get insofar as our connection with our birthdaughter/son.

Don't be concerned. She was probably sobbing with regret when she hung up the phone. These things happen, but they pass.

Hugs, Carol Bird

READ ON:
Ronni, one of my Birthmother Regulars forwarded this to me recently and
I feel that it can be very helpful to all of my readers. Read on. Hugs,
Carol

Reunion Socialization (author not identified)

The journey through reunion is not unlike traveling to a foreign country where one
doesn't speak the language or know the customs. Immersion into a new culture presents
adjustments to climate, food, clothes, mannerisms and social rules. The experience carries
imagined "should haves" that are markedly different from the often awkward reality.

Reunions hold the possibility of joy, hope and healing. These
expectations and their resulting grief, however, can lead to
misunderstanding, hurt and confusion. Each person must learn to adapt to
the other's-as well as their own-perplexing, vacillating emotional
changes. Each person must rise to the challenge of bridging the lost
years as well as possible. We are severed from-but profoundly bonded
to--each other. We come together as "Familiar Strangers." Familiar in
many ways because of the inherent genetic traits that are expressed in
physical and emotional mannerisms and thoughts and actions. Unfamiliar
in as many ways because each person has survived the sudden, abrupt
truncation of a primary relationship. Each has developed different
coping styles within the context of their own unique life path.

What happens Why and How Can we Overcome the Challenges?

Traveling between the familiar and the unfamiliar requires resilience because the
traveler will experience the roller coaster effects of elation/deflation as pent up emotions
and years of buried grief and anger begin to spew forth. It is important to recognize
that reunion is an intensely emotional, highly complex and unique phenomenon. Emotions
are energy in motion, they are the tools of growth and serve to warn, protect and teach us
about ourselves and the presenting situation/relationship.

What happens when these worlds converge? One must learn to read between the
lines. Be an observer of subtle cues, allow the other person to move at her/his own pace,
put aside needs and expectations and "musts" for the reality of what it is. We need to
develop an understanding and appreciation of one another's cultural and lifestyle
differences.

Reunion emotions are high and conflicting feelings such as: joy. sorrow,
anxiety, impatience, fear, anger and bewilderment. The person entering
into a reunion is shifting gears from being a searcher with some measure
of control, to a totally unknown situation, craving acceptance but
anticipating rejection. The seat of the power now shifts to the
contacted party. The searcher now must transition from the fantasies
that filled the years of void and longing to stark reality.

Search is usually initiated by a strong internal drive to resolve the
original issue of separation and loss (adoption). One thirsts to resolve
unanswered questions. The emotional pressure to come full circle
sustains what is often an arduous journey. The searcher's momentum
increases as information is gathered. The emotional pressure to connect
continues to escalate, while other life routine issues and obligations
may be neglected because the searcher's focused journey is toward the
truth, and he or she is expending a lot of emotional energy defending
the need to search.

The searcher is not unlike a truck traveling 90 m.p.h.. The person who is found and
who has not yet moved toward undertaking the search is taken by surprise and does not
have this momentum. When these two different energies meet an emotional collision
occurs. The searcher can barely slow down, while the person found can barely gasp for air,
for the wind has been knocked out of them. They need time to adjust and may have
concerns about the meaning behind the contact There may be stress regarding the
implications of meeting and forming this new relationship.

Each party is bewildered by the other's actions. Each has different
needs. One may be well versed in adoption issues with adoption, having
support group exposure, ~while the other may not have even begun to
contemplate adoption and reunion issues. Both parties have set their
roles, rules and emotional commitments to others in their lives.

So many feelings flood forward, there may be bouts of crying or
free-floating anger as these feelings flood forth. There is chaos and
confusion. How can one be filled with such joy, anger, sadness.
frustration, indifference, disappointment, fear and elation
simultaneously?

Our identities are challenged. We will NEVER be the same as we were
before contact. Issues of loyalty to respective primary relationships
may impede the ability to enfold the other party. One's previous history
of loss, coping skills, ability to identify and verbalize feelings, and
capacity to mourn affect the person's ability to empathize and relate to
one another. Perception about the adoption experience--shame/openness,
conditions during the pregnancy, success of integrating the adoption
experience, issues of inadequacy-- all impact the manner in which the
reunion may unfold. It is a process that often leaves those involved
bewildered and exhausted.

Unanswered Questions...Possible Challenges

Who knows the story? Does the reality match one's previously held beliefs? Who sets
the pace? What are the expectations? What are the family rules, social rules-- i.e. holidays,
gifts, telephone calls, letters, e-mails? How does one sign off correspondence? Will previous
relationships dissolve? How does each person identify the other? How does one handle
social instructions? What type of relationship is desired: casual, nurturing. answers only,
close? How much emotional support does each person have? Are we open and respectful
and non-judgmental of each other's needs? Will either birth parent be hurt if there is
communication with the other birthparent? Will the adopted person want to merge their
dual family connections or keep them separate? Will the birthparent desire acceptance by
the adoptive parents? Will the adoptive parents want to embrace the birthparent or request
that the adopted person not discuss the reunion? Will the birthparent's family welcome the
adopt!
ed person or will rivalries surface? Can we let go of the fantasy of the reunion for the reality
of a real relationship with a real person, flaws and all? Does one try to bridge the two
different worlds? Does one become emotionally exhausted trying to travel through these
worlds separately? What happens if well-intended or misguided family, significant others, or
friends attempt to steer the relationship? What about "genetic attraction"? Has the
birthmother/father shared the existence of their child with family? Has the adopted person
shared the search and contact with her/his adoptive parents? Does anyone have to "lead a
double life" by keeping this reunion separate from other primary relationship! How does one
deal with still being "a secret"? How do life changing events (i.e. marriage, divorce,
childbirth, death) impact one's ability to incorporate this new relationship? How do physical
or emotional health problems influence reunion?

Possible Phases of Post Reunion Relationships

"Falling In Love" This is similar to a dating experience, when
everything is running smoothly, energy is high, similarities are
highlighted. Each party puts out a lot of effort, there can be a lot of
sharing pictures, stories, exchanging gifts. Each party is open to
accommodating the other's needs.

"Pull Back Phase" The momentum of the relationship changes as one or
both individuals may step back; one or both individuals may become
confused, angry, frustrated, nervous, depressed. Problems may develop
because of mixed messages or misread signals.

"Establishing Boundaries" The relationship may be reassessed,. There may
be need for ground rules. Both parties fear rejection by the other. One
or both parties may be involved in a push-pull relationship driven by
the need to connect, but governed by the fear of becoming too close
(only to lose the person again).

"The Relationship Dwindles" One or both parties shut off communication.
This may bring excruciating pain to one or both individuals. This may
occur because one--or neither-- party is flexible or because pressure
from the other primary relationships have created too much anxiety.

"Acceptance of the Relationship" Both parties are willing to commit to
the relationship, issues still need to be resolved, reality overrides
fantasy and unmet expectations, each party is willing to grow.

Reunion Survival Recommendations

*The other person cannot heal you! Reunion is a healing process that
takes time, patience and a lot of effort.

*The reactions you see, hear, and experience can say a great deal about
the other person's level of development, emotional makeup and coping
skills. These reactions ARE NOT about you. Try not to take them
personally.

*Develop and seek emotional support OUTSIDE of ANY primary relationship.
It is very difficult to receive objective advice from persons who have
specific role expectations of you.

*Each person has her/his own pace.... Respect the differences.

*There is no right or wrong way you must recognize and follow the cues.

*Seek out other adoptees or birthparents impressions when you get stuck.

*All relationships evolve over time.... Your Reunion Mantra should be
"We have the rest of our lives to resolve this."

*Remember "E=mc2": for every action there is an equal and opposite
reaction. If you push too hard the other party will resist with equal
strength.

*Flexibility is the key.

*Honor your psyche's need to grieve, seek appropriate therapy with
someone who is familiar with post adoption/reunion issues, or educate
your therapist if you are comfortable with her/him.

*Don't panic ... take deep breaths.

*Don't act impulsively or out of fear or anger.... Most of us
unintentionally hurt each other when coming from this place., Remember
your reunion mantra.

*Get reality checks from a trusted confidant.

*Don't stifle your feelings! That's what you've done for years and that's when we snap and say or do things we usually later regret.

*Perhaps try your feelings out with several people who are experienced with these issues first

*Let go; let the flow take its natural course...

*It's natural to grieve losses; honor your passage.

*Please remember...REUNION CAN BE BOTH DIFFICULT AND ECSTATIC AT THE SAME TIME. BRACE YOURSELF FOR A FLOOD OF EMOTIONS. TRY TO ENJOY THE JOURNEY SELF DISCOVERY AND HEALING. "WE HAVE THE REST OF OUR LIVES TO RESOLVE THIS."

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Anne

Thank you, Carol, for your insight. I sent her a book as you suggested and received a very nice note back. Hopefully we are back on track again.