[Archive]

Originally Posted By Trista Onyon

Eighteen years ago I placed my daughter up for adoption and not a day has gone by that I haven't wondered if she is happy, healthy and, most importantly, loved. I know that I made the best decision for both of us because I was only 12 years old at the time of her birth. Now, I need to know that she's okay. I haven't really talked to anyone about this and
I'm so afraid of what I'm going to find. She turned eighteen in September and I haven't started to really search. I don't know where to start and everytime I do begin I start to cry and then I can't continue. It seems like I'll never STOP crying. Is it this overwhelming for everyone? I don't even know where to begin my search. I really need for someone to understand how painful this is for me and not be afraid of my emotional response.

[Archive]

Dear Trista,

I am a birthmother who really understands your feelings and pain in giving up your child. You are not alone in your reactions and emotions to giving up a child. Most birthmothers have experienced what you are describing. I spent many days and years crying for the daughter I gave up 27 years ago. The crying is a natural part of the grief process, and it can be very depressing to have to deal with emotions that many people do not understand. And most people do NOT understand what a birthmother goes through all of her life. Being 12 years old when you had your daughter does mean that you would not feel for your child like other mothers who were older and perhaps more mature when their children were born. Perhaps it just took you a few more years of growing up to get to the point of understanding exactly what had happened to you and to your child when you gave her up to adoption.

May I suggest that you become a part of a support group of birthmothers so that you can share your experiences with them. I am a member of an online support group where lots of birthmothers share their feelings about their experiences. You do need some support to help you through this painful time. Also, I would suggest, since you are crying a lot, that you may need to have some help from a professional who might feel it helpful to put you on some kind of antidepressant drug. Many of us birthmoms have had to take such medication to help us.

It is a very hard road that you are going down right now and I wish that I could reach out to you and say things are going to be okay very soon. But I know that you have to work through all of this within yourself before you can have any kind of peace with this. Please know that many of us have gone through this before you and are out here to help you.

Please feel free to email me, if you would like.

Hugs from a birthmom, Judy jejones3@bellsouth.net